Macho Died With Your Father
Mom: I found a box in the attic full of your Dad’s Fields & Streams magazine collection. They are from 1976 through 1981 and surely are worth something, do you want them? Course some of them are missing pages because he would take these on his fishing trips and would pull pages out to use as toilet paper. He was such a macho man (sigh).
Me: Mom, I don’t even know how to respond to this so I’ll just say no thanks.
Mom: What? I thought his machoness was kinda hot.
Me: Trust me, it’s not and no one say’s “macho” anymore.
Mom: So you’re saying machoness died with your father?
Me: Um, ok, I’ll go with that.
“Sex and Defenders”
Mom: I’ve been getting into law shows lately.
Me: Which ones?
Mom: Sex and Defenders.
Me: ….what? Is that like some kind of warped Judge Judy?
Mom: No, they investigate sex crimes. And they go to court a lot. There are two separate groups.
Me:…you mean Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?!
Mom: No. Every episode begins with a “dun dun.”
Me: Yeah, that’s Law & Order. Here’s a youtube link of the opening.
Mom: Ok, that’s the one.
Something to Tell the Police
Have fun at the beach!!! Please keep in touch with me, I’d like to be able to tell the police where to start looking for the body
Blind Date (Just as a Friend)
Dont call me crazy but a met a hispanic pastor that is 28 and I like y to met him when y come to SA I like y to has a blind date just as a friend I like his spirit is in the right place Think about it Im going to Austin on Friday to a church during the day can we have lunch or a coffee?
So It’s Not the Phone?
Backstory: My mother calls. I have no voice, so I ignore the call and text her back. She responds by text.
Me: Can’t talk, I have no voice. I’m sick.
Mom: Don’t you have another phone?
Me: It doesn’t matter, I can’t talk. I don’t have a voice.
Mom: so why don’t you talk on your other phone.
Me: because I have no voice.
Mom: why is that phone broken too?
Me: the phones are fine, I just don’t have a voice. I can’t talk. I’m sick.
Mom: so it’s not the phone.
Me: no. I’m sick, I have no voice.
Mom: oh. hope your fever gets better.
Old Dog Blues
Backstory: Our 14 year old beagle Snickers is nearly blind, deaf, incontinent, and has a slew of age and anxiety related disorders…this email came along with a creepy pic of Snicky staring off into space, looking like she’s thinking about eating your head.
Here’s a pic of Snicky at the Vet for consult to change all her Meds. The long staring into space like we know her to exhibit are related to decreased cognitive function they say… Or as papa george Says: She Has. The HAMMER.
Snickers would say hi if she could remember who you were!
Love you girls
Mom
Urgent New Guy Questions
Is he nice do you like him what does he do do you have a lot in common do you share mutual friends does he text you is he cute
Million Dollar Idea
We have been saying “people suck” about people in general as you can appreciate. So how would we go about making tshirts that say that on the front and on the back we could just list all the things that have made the news that forced us into saying this. Any info will be helpful. Thanks mom
At Least She Remembered to Wave
Mom: Passed you by the mall, i was driving hearse but i did wave
How to Make a Match
Hi honey,
1. Do you have the first Barefoot Contessa Cookbook?
2. If a guy from Match wants to talk to me, do I give him my cell phone number or land line? Or what?
Love you!
Mom
