Jonesing for Valium
Backstory: I’m not on valium or any kind of drug.
Hi Honey -
Do you have any extra valium? And I’m not even kidding!! I have run out and am in desparate need of some sleep. I sleep for maybe 4 hours then wake-up and my mind takes off . . . and I can’t get back to sleep. Too many things going on. I really need 8-9 hours to function well. I would prefer not to have to go to a doctor here, so I just thought I would ask. You could mail them to me – 3 day service.
XO
Mom
Real Housewives of New Jersey??
Remember that you are from NJ and that your mom is Italian. If V [former landlord] continues to be a pain ,a hit can be arranged for about $750. When you get your deposit back you will be ahead $550.
Man Up, This Is Childbirth
I read that a woman was awarded $20 million because her baby got stuck in her birth canal for 13 hours. That’s $1.54 million per hour – I think that’s a bargain. I believe the child suffered severe handicaps but that’s nothing compared to what the Mom went through. Although it could be said ”Man up, this is childbirth”.
Love, M
Bad Boyfriends Are Like Expensive Shoes
Backstory: I’m dating a guy who is not liked by any member of my family. He can be crass and uncouth at times, but he can also be charming and charismatic.
Bad boyfriends are like a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos. You want them so bad when you first see ‘em and you end up shelling out way too much money just so you can call ‘em yours. When you finally bring them home, you realize they don’t really go with anything else in your closet (life). You hope for that rare day when you get to dress ‘em up and show ‘em off thinking all the other gals will envy you but when you do, they cause you nothing but pain, they wear out too quickly (if you know what I mean) and they end up sitting around your house, being useless, collecting dust. And those other gals? Not envious. My point? Throw ‘em out of the house and go shopping.
Ready for “Love, Mom” Part Two
Backstory: I gave my mom the Postcards book for her birthday a few weeks ago. It’s really got her thinking.
OK,
Now that I’ve read the book about emails from yo momma, if I think about sending something cute-sy or have some thing hilariously funny to say (which I do have from time to time) I’m thinking someone (not you prolly) would think I’m just staying awake at night trying to think of cute-sy stuff so make I’ll make the second edition of the book “Mo funny stuff from Yo Momma” when really we could’ve been in the first edition if only the authors knew us. Just some randon thinking here.
Yo Very Own Momma
Incoming Text Alert
Lookit! I can now do this 300 times per month! Get ready for text extravaganza!
Accident, Mugging, Gender Transfer…
I just figured that I should make sure you are okay since we got cut off from you yesterday. Hopefully there was not a train accident, mugging, bolt of lightning, spiritual enlightenment, deep hatred for your parents, gender transfer, fall into a manhole, hit your head and have amnesia, or any other general malaise. Again, i tend to go with the “no news is good news” theory but this is the third or so time your father has mentioned it. If you are not dead or buried, I hope things are going well for you. Will talk to you soon.
Love you lots and lots
mom
He Was Being So Damned Chipper
Backstory: My mom and I are on a family plan, and are shuffling around the accounts a bit for boring reasons. My grandmother is not dead.
Mom: I just cancelled the -1043 phone, and the guy asked me in such a chipper voice why I was doing that (“what’s going on?”) that I told him it was because my mother died.
Do you think God will strike her dead? or strike me dead?
Me: whoa
Me: why’d you say that??
Mom: I don’t know. He was being so damned chipper
Me: wow
Me: weird, mom
Mom: yeah, maybe
Floral Distraction
Just got the most gorgeous flowers. All kinds including stargazer lilies–my favorite! My office smells wonderful. These flowers take my mind off of my back fat. :)
Some IUD Confusion
Backstory: I recently started a job as a nurse practitioner at a women’s health clinic.
me: I inserted an IUD today!
mom: what’s that?
me: its like the copper one you had after you had [my sister]
mom: oh! you found someone to have sex with?
me: no mom. I put one into someone else at work. crazy..
mom: Ahh.. I thought you got it and I was happy for you.
