In Case of Charles Manson
Yesterday i found a crack in the foundation and called a guy from the yellow pages. He is going to fix it tomorrow or monday or tuesday for a trivial amount of money but he seemed a little strange so just wanted you to know who it is just in case he’s really a serial killer.
I Have Fun Too
Backstory: My mother got a mammogram the same day that I had a quiz in geography, and felt the need to give me an update when I gave her one.
me: aced my geography quiz! i got them all right!
mom: u the bomb! i got my boobies smashed! see? i have fun too.
Way Harsh, Mom
Backstory: I only date guys who are very smart and, in the past, this has equaled NOT the most attractive men out there. I finally found a smart and really hot guy! My mom was clearly shocked!
Me: I just sent you an email with a picture of me and Jeff. Did you get it?
Mom: Yeah. I have your email.
Mom: OMG! Holy Shit! I’m so used to you dating fuglies that I was shocked to see how handsome he is.
How Mom REALLY Feels About Sesame Street
Me: So, the Halloween party I went to was really fun
Mom: Were there a lot of Snookis?
Me: No, didn’t see any Snookis.
Mom: She’s a degenerate.
Me: There were a lot of Lady Gagas.
Mom: I can’t stand Lady Gaga; she should be ashamed of herself.
Me: What? I like Lady Gaga. Oh, the group of guys we went with dressed as the Sesame Street characters!
Mom: I can’t stand Sesame Street.
Me: What?
Mom: They’re obnoxious. I just never told you that growing up.
The Joys of Aging
Backstory: Mom’s response to my email asking how old Dad is turning next week.
He was born in 1950…………….yikes, 62. Don’t say anything about getting old. It is bugging him that we are getting old and he is a little depressed. When he gets depressed, he obsesses about his bowels.
Love MOM
We’re Gone For A Day, We Might Die
We’re leaving to go to South Carolina by plane tomorrow and back on Sunday.
Will call when we get back…love you!!!
Mom
PS: If anything happens to us, coordinate with Aunt Sue and Matt. Matt and you will split everything 50/50.
Butt Dialing, Septic Tanks, Valentines.
Backstory: More irreverence from my mother who feels that all news must be put in to one email, less than 500 words, telegram style. I don’t even know how to respond to this. Where to begin?
Yesterday we went to the barbershop (Dad’s hair covering collar). While I was sitting there waiting for Dad, the cell phone rang. It was your aunt. She was sitting at Reagan airport and didn’t mean to call me, she said. The barber said that’s called “butt dialing.” Septic Tank people called to say they had an emergency so didn’t come to us-coming this afternoon since ours is not an emergency. This morning I had annual mammo. I am at work but have to leave now that the boys are here. I got an email from your sister-just checking in. That’s nice for a change. Still haven’t got the mouse who gets the peanut butter. My colleague says if I bring in a brand-new trap he will show me how to set it foolproof. He says twist bacon around the trapper. I have got to catch this mouse. The dog had a restless night–lots of snorting and sneezing. SHe finally stopped and went to sleep but I got up and did aerobics. I think that’s all the news. I need L’s USPS address so I can send a Valentine. Ciao.
Happy Milk Day
Am in the taxi and watching the crazy tv in the back and I see that we along with mayor bloomberg and many more are celebrating milk day! I am thinking, what the hell, is the recession so bad that we have to say thanks to the cows?!?
I now see that it was MLK day as in Martin Luther King!! I think I am really losing it!
Your mom!
Do You Need Therapy Now?
Backstory: I had been teasing my mom about having a tough childhood, which of course we didn’t, and she gave me way TMI.
Me: Get your panties out of a bunch, I was just kidding!
Mom: Since I met my new man, panties are optional. yes you did have a great childhood.
Me: Oh wow…
Mom: Do you need therapy now?
Me: Yes
Christ in a Clown Suit
Backstory: my mom is religious, I am not.
Me: i got THE CUTEST green dress with bloomers for hopie (my boyfriend’s new niece)
Mom: COOL….I BET IT IS SOOO CUTE
Me: it is! i texted geoff to make sure it was ok
Mom: I’M SURE THAT AS LONG AS IT DOESNT’ HAVE JESUS HANGING UPSIDE DOWN ON THE CROSS WEARING A CLOWN SUIT IT WILL BE FINE
