Lottery Disappointment
Mom: Did you check our WINNING TICKET NUMBERS?
Me: Yes, we are not winners. Three people won in Illinois, Kansas and Canada. :(
Mom: O i did not know more than one would win but i cant believe it was not us.. I think its cuz i broke my hand mirror last nite& ruined our luck. :( I was going to save the world and have fun
Facebook Is For Learning
Mom: What is q-u-e-e-f? Queef?
Me: Why are you asking?
Mom: Well there is a picture of a gymnast with her legs spread and it says “queef”.\
Me: Well… [insert definition here].
Mom: Oh my god. Why would anyone do that? How could anyone do that? Do you want the picture? It’s a bumper on facebook?
The Dogs Are Catholic
Mom: I hope you didn’t eat any meat on Good Friday. We gave the dogs a vegetarian dinner but the cats had meat as usual because they are Protestants.
Why Are You Giving Me Smiley Testicles?
Mum: I miss you already! Im not weeping honest! Good luck this aft and if u get time email me the details cos im nosy. Love you precious one mx
Me: Haha, aww. Don’t worry, i’ll find the time somehow. Love you! <3 xxx
Mum: Can i just ask…….whats the smiley testicle thing???? Mx
Me: …what.
Mum: <3 ?
Me: IT’S A HEART! wtf mother
How to Impress Celebrities
Backstory: My husband and I were at an event that involved meeting Richard Dawkins. I was pretty nervous about it, so this is how my mom…helped?
I just now drank a bottle of 5-Hour Energy. I feel pretty good!
Don’t fart in front of Richard Dawkins tonight!!!!
More importantly, don’t let DAN fart. Dan would just DIE.
Stop Beastin’, Yo
me: I’m so nervous
what if everything I’m doing is exactly wrong!
mom: A, you’re “beastin”…
isn’t that what L [my sister] says?
me: you are NOT allowed to use that word
mom: beasting with a “g” ?
then?
Jesus Does Not Approve of Melted Bunnies
Backstory: I was giving my mother the play by play on my successful interview for a barista job. This was her response to how I described my latte art.
Mom: A melted bunny? You are melting bunnies now, you heathen?
Me: and they took the time to interview me..
Me: Yes, mother. I am a bunny melting heathen. That’s your daughter.
Mom: oh Christ. and Easter just around the corner…
Your Daily Dose of Total Gibberish
Me: What?
Mum: yo hubbly bubbly
Me: What the actual fuck?
Mum: hahahohoheheyoyo
Me: Get away
Mum: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhaaaaaaane hearties
Me: No.
Mum: ooh mama says yessssssssss
Me: YOU SHALL NOT PASS.
Mum: i will i know the secret door
Me: I’m ignoring you now.
Mum: at ur peril
Part of Your Inheritance
Backstory: I bought my Mum a pen with Moomins on it as part of her birthday present. I received this text the next day with no context. Took me a minute to work out what she was talking about!
You will find this pen when I am dead amongst my treasures. Look hard in all the boxes. x x x
Greek Boyfriends for All
Backstory: I’m studying abroad in Greece this spring. My sister, S, and her best friend, C, are very excited to visit me.
I g-chatted with S and she said C is saving her $$ and has bought Lonely Planet and is spazzing; she wants to come when her term ends in April; so S is now thinking she’ll go too and you guys are all three going to hit the town and find you a Greek bf.
Dad & I are supposed to join you a bit later, like, give the three of you about five days — is that going to be enough time to find a bf? I told her you’ll totally hook up and surprise us when we arrive with your very own Niko with the moped.
so there you have it
