hi, pooh:

grandma is using the homeopathic remedies you sent, but she still isn’t feeling well.  she says it’s not a cold or the flu, she just feels weak.  i sometimes see her holding on to something like she’s lightheaded and when i ask her what’s wrong, she says “nothing, i’m fine”.  i don’t believe her but she’s hardheaded.  give her a call when you can.

those videos are sent back and forth between me and a small group of people where i work.  they break the monotony of the day.  sometimes i laugh out loud when i first see one of them.

anyway, tell jennie i said “hey” and you two continue to be good to each other.  now, back to church on tv.

love, mom

Backstory: this email is a response from my mother -in-law as to why she broke up with her boyfriend.

Gus is hungarian and was bought up w/gypsy magic. he is too into ghosts, witches and that shit. it all scares me. i just left a message on his phone and wished him good luck

That is very strange.  Do you think the bird’s building a nest and wants hair?  What kind of bird is it and did it draw blood?

Do you call Animal Control for something like that? It’s kind of Hitchcockian.  Do not throw the Coach bag at him. Better to be maimed and sent to the ER.  Be careful in those mean streets!

It’s cloudy and cool today.  A great school picnic day.  I don’t think it will rain but its very overcast.  I prayed for a nice trip home.  Was my prayer answered?  I hope so.  I can’t wait to see the pictures.  I didn’t ask but did you ride on the bridge?  As long as you didn’t jump off then life is good.  Or maybe you’d go to a better life. Probably not because then you’d have committed suicide and are doomed to eternal damnation.  But maybe you wouldn’t if you asked for God’s forgiveness before you jumped.  Who knows.  I’m just glad you’re here and my daughter.  Love Mom

I have a stupid question.  Do you think that I have instant messenger?  Because I seem to get your emails right away.

Backstory: I am the youngest of 4 children, my mother was terrified for me to leave home and live on my own. I finally found a roommate and a place we could afford, this was her answer to my email informing her of our plans. The funny part is, we aren’t immigrants…

Grumble,,….grumble,…. You don’t know this girl very well….she could leave you stranded with a lease……she could stab you while you sleep…..she could pour boiling hot coffee on you at breakfast…….valley park??? It floods there!!!! There are bugs there!!!!! They don’t rent to immigrants like you!!!!

I have to share this Andrew story with you. Your nephew is unbelievable.
Scene: Friday afternoon, 2nd floor den
Characters: Dana, Jack, Andrew, and Sadie (Bubby)

Andrew (seeing the telephone he had left on the floor after answering it): I’m going to put this here, on the couch. It’s very delicate.
Bubby: Thanks, sweetheart. That’s really thoughtful of you.
Andrew: And now I going to show you my butt (he turns around and sticks his butt in Bubby’s face).
Bubby: That wasn’t a very delicate thing to do.
Andrew: Oh yes it was. It’s a very delicate butt.

OMG Now when I move the cursor over your name, this Barbie-doll-ish blong CARTOON pops up!! Very lifelike!! How did you do that, & how can I make one??

my weight watcher coach lauri is fabulous and she has lost about 86 pounds.  she was fat all her life and she is a perfect 6 now!!! …xxoo

Hi – Sunday night was so nice – thanks again.

Just wondering if you are planning a haircut as we discussed.  If so, you might just want them to kind of clean up the sides and back and leave the top alone – it looked really good on Sunday!  Just a suggestion.

I love your new glasses!

Don’t forget to bring sunglasses and your shoes.

See you tomorrow.

The crazy weddding Mom!

hi honey,

the shoes are amazing! they’ll be the answer with a simple black dress. i also adore the beige shoes. perfect with your new h&m dress. did i even get a glimse in the background of a beautiful beige jacket with gold buttons????

baba saw the shoes and said, “pali psila!” [Note: This is Greek for "more high heels!"] i think he thinks that you won’t find a husband if you keep wearing high heels! oh lord!

enjoy eurovision as will we. talk to you tomorrow..

love, mommy

dad needs you’re account and routing number, you’re odometer reading and some other things.  we also need you’re address.

what’s going on?

I just got your e mail Monday 27th on what to send to roommates sister.

Will try to send Tues 28th.  Hope it gets to her in time.  IMPORTANT: Hippo’s kill and eat more people in Africa than anything.  Eric says don’t get between water, land and hippo.  They will charge to eat you because they sleep in the water and when they feed they come up to eat people.  He says this is a fact. MOM

Friday I’m doing something fun as well. Joan and I are starting a club called The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club. Our mascot is Gert Boyle (One Tough Mother) from Columbia Wear. Your stepfather is making fun of us but I think he’s just petty and jealous. I finally told him to shut up. That’s what GAW do when they are confronted with negativity.  One of  our field trips is going to be on a Saturday and we’re going to find those Red Hat Ladies and shove them down. They’re ridiculous and need to be eliminated.

I thought you said you weren’t a good candidate for a tattoo because of the way you scar?  I really am opposed to tattoos.  I guess as your Mom I should keep my mouth shut.  But, you can’t wash them off and they are always there and I don’t think they send positive messages or images.  Plus, just about every criminal has them.  Painful also.  don’t do it don’t do don’t do it…….waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Well, I just got back from an assembly with Timbaland, known as Tim Mosely when he was a Salem High student in the 90′s. He did not really sing, but did some beat-box (I guess) kind of thing and some of his music played during different parts and at the end. He talked mostly and the kids were just going crazy — a good crazy! Anyway, thought I would share what was an otherwise boring morning.

Bye and love,
Love, Mom