Backstory: “Puff” is my mother’s VW Beetle. In this e mail she is talking about what my grandmother did.

Mom backed out into Puff this morning, on her way out with her to do list… so I now have to get an estimate on her bump and scratches. Puff seems to think she had a real “wreck”. There is no dealing with her. She likes Mom to drive her because in doing so, she thinks she is living life dangerously…. and that is no shit. Now of all the people for Mom to screw up and hit, why me? She has an ever-lessening sense of spatial determination… and for me, it is truly maddening.

Hi–I turned on the parade yesterday to be in synch with you, and I saw blue smurf up in the sky. Did you see smurfie? Love Mommy

Backstory: My grandpa is in the hospital and I sent an email asking how he was doing. I got this reply after I corrected her… terminology

I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL CATHETER. SORRY. PEE TUBE SOUNDS NICER.

Sorry for being so blunt.  I certainly don’t want to hurt your feelings, I just don’t think you are taking care of yourself, i.e. putting your best foot forward.  And unfortunately for me, you may really dislike me for taking the liberty, but consider any mother – unless it is a reptile mother – who eat their young – all mothers are protective of their offspring.  I would not have taken the liberty, if I didn’t think you were in jeopardy.  You are shooting yourself in the foot.  Especially if that smoke I’ve been smelling on you isn’t cigarette smoke.   Maybe you should consider what is really bothering you.  Is it really your hair?

This is a gentle reminder to do my match.com pics please  I love you so very much, please don’t wig out cuz I know how  busy you are but I need a man.
love your mommy

When you stop believing in Santa you get underwear & socks.   And when you don’t give your Mom birthday gift ideas you get something she thinks you need.  (And she will need to send it soon)

for the meat stuffing:  You are probably going to wantthree ponds of ground pork.  if you can find common crackers down there….that is what the recipe calls for, but i usually use oyster crackers or even saltines works fine.  just saute the pork with a large or two med onions and crush about a sleeve of crackers (if you use the other kind just judge it about the same amount.  don’t drain the fat from the pork b/c you want it to absorb into the crackers when you add them. (cut the onions very fine too) i usually chop mine or grate them.  while it is simmering just add bells seasoning and salt and pepper to taste.  i would say with 3 lbs you will use at least half a box..but taste it when you add it and just do it the way you like it.  then just thow it in the birds ass and bake the bastard!!!

i love you, sweet one.~Mommy

Backstory: I’m not a 36B and neither is she. She’s clearly in denial that she SHOULD be asking my brother…

Hey –you never called me back!  Do you  know anything about the black strapless bra (36b) that I found in my glove box?  Do I wash it or throw it?

Also, have you found out anything about ComEd or the new apartment?

Love,
Mom

Me: where are you staying?
Mom: in a non-descriptive no chain travel place dipped in hell.

The weekend was fun. We went to a cocktail party on Fri. at the house with the prayer room and dance studio your friend used to live in. I took Gramma to the airport for her Thanksgiving trip. I’m worried she is going to get sick. She, on the other hand is worried about the economy and told me last night that if we needed help financially she would give up her apartment and move in with us and pay us rent. Cute, but God help me!

so when are you coming home?  Dad has tomorrow off ….he is going to go grocery shopping but you can come whenever and start making rolls – or we can do that tomorrow nite…I’m excited tooo – I love our family – and you and em and jack and dad and jill and papa and harriett, and karen and franco and indira and cairo and vicky and paul and kate and …who else???? did I miss some one – oprah??

you missed it. your dad just tried to give himself a haircut with the barbeque. he says if cremation smells this bad he is not going to be cremated after all.  hah. bye.

Hi,
Here are addresses for K’s out of town family. [addresses removed]. Possibly more to come. would you please email J the guest list along with addresses. as she will be needing it to write thank you notes.R are you including a map for out of town people? I think ths would be very helpful. plus it will cut down on receiving multiple phone calls. also  please put my telepohne number as one of the numbers to RSVP too. J is registered at William&Sonoma, REI, and Macy’s. thank you R for all of this work. it’s a lovely gift of love to your sister. thanks for the other day too. listening at the mall. I felt much better afterwards. except that I had kleenex stuck to my face around my eyes. little bits. :) lol. please let me know if you need any help with invitations. Oh if possible when we finally get a complete list of  shower guests would you please email me this list as I will need it to use as a check off list and also as a final count for the resturant. love to you R. Mom

If you don’t respond to Gma about what you want for Christmas, she’s going to get a tshirt made for you that says “Shit Happens.”

Backstory: Mom posted this to my boyfriend’s Facebook wall

I don’t disagree that I am nuts, I’m just disappointed that it took you so long to figure it out. The moment that you stepped into this house/cottage and the cottage/house it should have dawned on you !!!!! The sad thing is that its passed down….my mother has binoculars in her living room…….poor girl, she’s doomed !!!!

ok, I ordered 4 pairs: cupcakes, hearts, party people and pink outlet.  they will be delivered to school cause I got free shipping which would take 7 to 10 days, so i figured school would be best.  Hope you enjoy them, no more shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHOE SHAME, SHOE SHAME, SHOE SHAME, SHOE SHAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, luv,

My pleasure!  Both of us really like your excellent resume but we hope you don’t mind us mentioning that we feel that “hot” in your e-mail address might deter a serious employer from hiring you.  It tends to sound more erotic than professional (more like for a stripper than a fitness instructor).  Also, someone might actually be too embarrassed to respond to such an address.

It’s interesting that the references’ addresses are more toned down.  Dad suggests:  fitveganmomma!

Much love as always and hoping that you won’t take offense.
See you tomorrow, Mum (& Dad)   xxx

Backstory: My mom had to go to my doctor at home to pick up my ADHD medicine, and he raised my dosage without asking me because he apparently thinks I’m a dealer of some sort. Also, my parents own a furniture store together.

Yes, Dr. P. does think you will give, or sell, the pills.  He said “I don’t give the 1/2 time to college kids because they are likely to share them or sell them”.  I wanted to plea your case, because you of course are special and would not do those things, but I knew it would sound lame.  So I didn’t.

Work has been so crazy. I am worn out. Dad had DirectTV installed at the store.  Yep, he is going to get a TV and mount it on the wall right across from the sales desk.  This will allow Kirk and him to watch football games and such when big events are on and they are stuck at work.  Can you believe it?

I am worn out by all of these things.  But, I don’t want to sound negative.