I am making a New Year’s Resolution, to try very very very hard to be the mother that you want me to be. I will not offer any advice on any matter, unless it is requested. And then I will advise very cautiously, so as not to overstep your limits of desired information. I will not talk about people or things you don’t want to hear about, or at least as long as I am aware of those things or people. These resolutions should allow you to decide where in your life if at all you wish me to be. What this means of course, is that I will not be able to call you very much, because there would be nothing for me to call about. So you will have to initiate calls. That will make it easier for me to adhere to my resolutions. If I accidentally write things in emails that are inappropriate, you can blast me back, like you usually do, and that should shut me up, and get me back on track. But I promise, I will do my very best to stay out of your life the way you want me to. Love you, Mom

Mom wrote at 8:50pm:
Today dad was putting happy face stamps on peoples hands at the homeshow and he asked me if i wanted him to give me a happy face but I told him Later :)

Do you know when that Dick’s store is supposed to open?  I thought it would be by the end of the 1st or 2nd week of March.  Dad is all excited about all the stuff we’re getting out here.  You should’ve seen the look on his face when I told him I didn’t know he was a “Dick lover.”  Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Love,
Me

Backstory: i have a 7mth old baby. she is the first grandchild on both sides. constant grandparent company at our house…told mom i didnt want company friday nite.

I am glad baby did fine this morning. I am praying for her. No, we won’t be coming over tonight. You have made it perfectly clear that you don’t want us “horning” in on the week nights and that you don’t like company on the weekends because that is your only time with her and that is when your friends come over. Our time with her will be on Fridays when I pick her up from the babysitters. Which dad still won’t get much then. But we will honor your wishes. We will suffer from it and (baby) will too. But we will abide
by what you say. Hope you have a good one.

You are the first person to receive an email from me…ever. Not really, I sent one at the book warehouse for Jake before. You are the first nonbusiness to receive an email from me. Always remember, polka dots are the nonedible limes of life. MOM

Well, just got back from the gym….I now know for sure that I am a cow. I
weigh 129!!!! NEVER before unless pregnant have I been this fat. Well, I guess you have to hit bottom before you go up. I hurt, but its a good hurt and I won’t stop. I have a training lady and she is helping too. I also think it will make me feel better, I can get out some of my frustrations on the machine. So, your mom is on her way to being a calf
again.

Love you lots, MOM THE COW

P.S. I just talked to your dad and told him he’s not allowed to talk with any skinny bitches at work. hahaha.

Backstory: My brother and I both live a couple hours away from our parents, so they’re trying to get us to come in this weekend, with the promise of a crawfish boil. I sent a couple emails to make sure they wanted to do it, and apparently that was a couple too many.

to all of you retarded people; just chill!!! I am very busy at work but we can plan to do something seafood-related on Sat. if everyone is coming in. If crawfish is too expensive, we will go on with another plan. SO all of you just relax and everything will work out as it always does. So, ya’ll come home on Friday evening and we will go from there. Got it??? Love, MOM

Trev and I love the nose spray, good stuff!  Let me know if you want to do a nasal flush, I hear people are amazed at what comes out.

I’m going to start praying for your mom again instead of the usual worrying.. I’m getting down on my knees this time… Love NANA

Backstory: This is my mother’s response to my e-mail announcing that I am a new aunt.

Yay new baby. I think we should wait a while before we tell him his share of the national debt- or that his generation will be responsible for supporting the aging baby boom.

Just saw an ITT Tech school ad. They show the front of the bus. And what bus is this. It is the 420. Someone I think got a joke in there.

Ashley,

I have a pimple on my chin WHAT DO I DO??????

Love,
Mom

I don’t know if you watched The Amazing Race last night, but they had the funniest challenge trying to get 110lb. wheels of cheese down this steep, slippery hill. I started telling dad how I’d get the cheese down the hill, and he (naturally) would tell me how my idea couldn’t work. I finally told him the best way to get the cheese down the hill and the “hicks from the sticks” just about did exactly what I would have done! Then, we were going to bed and he was being a goofy turd. I told him to leave me alone ’cause I was tired from getting all that cheese down the hill. He told me he wouldn’t be getting into the amazing race with me if we only had to make it to downtown Greensboro!

My mom is a 1st and 2nd grade teacher at an alternative school. They have special days pretty frequently, and they’re usually pretty cute.

Primary had its India Day today.  It was a blast but I’m glad it’s over!  In the morning we had “India School” for which we had moved the tables and chairs out of the way so lthe kids could experience school on the floor. … We began the day with affirmations.  In India they begin with prayers and we didn’t want to go there!  We did a three part rotation in which S did some reading activities, K did a geopgraphy lesson and I taught yoga and some simple Bollywood dance routines.  Yes, Bollywood dance routines….and yes, I just made them up inspired by Dhoom 2 and Slumdog Millionaire.