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Backstory: I sent my mom a Valentines Day card saying she loved me so much I’ll never meet anyone good enough.
I’m glad you finally figured that out!!! Just find someone like (your brother-in-law) and I’ll be thrilled!!! Forego the “marry someone like my Dad” proverb…unless you want TWO FULL TIME JOBS!!!
Yeah, I think I accidentally speed-dialed you. I had my phone in my pocket and then heard this voice and it was a voice mail message. I then saw it was you I dialed so I just hung it up. Sorry about that! That pays us even for the time you dialed me with your phone in your purse while you were at a bar and I spent 5 minutes saying “Hello…hello” because I thought maybe you were being raped and had sneakily called me so I could call 911.
Mom: I’ll go continue writhing in agony and trying to pass out
Me: I play my virtual violin for you
Mom: okay — and if I die tonight, I want you to know how happy I was to have you for a daughter
(sorta)
Me: you should know how sad I’ll be to lose you as my mother
(mostly)
Mom: ‘night
Mom was preparing us for our Christmas visit. My husband found this hilarious (instead of gross): just more proof that he’s a keeper…
Last (AND least), I want all of you to be aware of a few “household habits” we’ve developed because I’m sure they’ll be apparent & I want to prepare you: so better admit this to your men-folk too. Because Daddy can’t walk much, and because we don’t have a bathroom on the main floor, I’ve been letting Daddy (as if I could stop him!) pee into a small bucket in the kitchen & pour it down the sink. He’s not exactly shy, but thank goodness he won’t do this if anyone is around in the kitchen, so if you ever notice the kitchen doors closed, please know not to come in. If this grosses anyone out, get OVER it or reach for the Lysol in the cabinet.
Backstory: I just moved to Buffalo for dental school and have been having some trouble finding the lesbians. Mom to the rescue.
So I saw the guy who lives in our building who sent you the email in September and it turns out he is gay and he said that the law school has an active gay and lesbian organization and they would probably welcome you
Might want to check it out
He said he knew you were gay cause he watched you make out when you were in high school in the elevator or hallway ….
Big smile Mom
Backstory: There was a shark attack in Sydney harbour three days after I was swimming there.
Stay out of the water unless you know there is a secure shark net. Chomp. That is too close to where you were splashing away happily never thinking what else was in the water, maybe feet away. Chomp.
Mom
About Mexico for break. Just please be careful. Lots of dubious characters hang around spring breakers. Watch your drink, do NOT leave a bar with anyone but who you came with, and do no appear in Guys Gone Wild.
Do not use, buy or travel with any drugs of ANY kind. They do not treat young Americans well in their jails. I will not be spending any money to bail you out.
Other than that, have fun and do not be stupid.
Love, Mo
Mariachi’s has new owners.
The woman on the radio (she is one of the hosts of the morning show on Y98) was VERY upset by it. She raved about Mariachi’s. I heard her talk about them previously on the show.
I HATE to go in there if they’ve changed! I can see it now:
1. I park
2. I walk in
3. All gringos working now – don’t recognize a soul.
4. Say “I’m out of here!”
5. Leave
Backstory: Mom just started a new temp job after being laid off a few months ago
Mom: So far so good. Off to do my drug test. Woohoo!
Me: Peeing in a cup, does it get any better?
Mom: I’ll let you know how the flow goes :)
Me: Gross
love you…did I tell you Val Kilmer wants to be the governor of New Mexico…..he is fat….
Backstory: Since mom has been on Facebook she finds all kinds of cool “new” phrases. The other day told me “that’s how I roll.” I probably shouldn’t encourage it, but I do anyway…
Me: Here you go mom- a new phrase you can use on your facebook friends to be cool! “the bomb.com!”
Mom: I found something else too! Denizzle is going to be my gangsta name! I’m excited!
Me: Oh my.
Mom: Unfortunately, your name wouldn’t make a good gangsta name, but David’s would – DAVIZZLE!
Me: Okay mom, that’s good.
Mom: I’m going to be working on this. I’ll let you know more later.
At WORK in our WORK cafeteria they made a bacon bomb yesterday!!! I guess they couldn’t resist the challenge! I of course would have sampled it (at least you can try it without making the whole darn thing) but I had a meeting and by then it was gone, whatta world, whatta world!
Me: I’m just saying that all my other friends get Valentine’s gifts from their parents. You know, I could end up in therapy over a lack of a gift.
Mom: Well, your gift is moving out of your parent’s house and being able to have sex with whomever you choose with guaranteed privacy. Think you’ll end up in therapy over that?
Backstory:I’m visiting my boyfriend of two years this weekend in a different city/state and I’m staying with one of my best friends while I’m there.
Sweetie, I’m a hip mom. I get it, its what everyone does. I just don’t want you throwing your life away. Your too young to be in a relationship like this with that kind of responsibility, I don’t want you waking up one day and being upset with yourself. I know you say your staying with XXXXXXX, and thats wonderful. Does she know that your going to be seeing your boyfriend while you are up in boston? I dont want her getting any bad ideas about you. You can’t just throw your life away in one weekend! its not worth it!
I hope you make only wise decisions today and every day!
Mom
Valentine’s Day is coming up, and as anyone with a mom knows, it’s a potential minefield. If you’re not dating anyone, the holiday gives Mom the perfect excuse to ask why and/or attempt to set you up with the son or daughter of an old friend she ran into at the supermarket. If you are dating someone, it becomes the perfect time for Mom to ask why you’re not hitched yet. If you’re hitched, where are the kids? And so on and so forth.
So what’s the funniest and/or most annoying thing your mom has said to you around Valentine’s Day?
Thought I was getting fired, got a bonus instead.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
YOU ARE THE WORLDS BIGGEST GIRL WHO CRIED WOLF I HAVE EVER KNOWN BUT I LOVE YOU TO PCS. So nice that my lil princess can afford half of her own crown now. muhahhahhah
Having spent three hours this afternoon in Papa’s unheated house while waiting for the furnace to be repaired, I had plenty of time to take inventory of the treasures I want to offer to you girls. Up for grabs are the following:
One wooden plaque of a Conestoga wagon (Daddy said this was in his boyhood bedroom)
Two very creepy CLOWN woodcuts
Three mirrored bathroom pictures depicting WHIMSICAL cartoon children in the bathtub and sitting on the toilet!
A modernistic oil painting depicting a French street featuring a woman with an enormous ass in the foreground
A large Motel-Art Style oil painting of a Sicilian fishing village
A Venetian glass clown (goes beautifully with the woodcuts)
Several “Fummels”
Plenty more, too numerous to mention. Please let me know if I should label any of the above for your future use, no fighting please!
Mom
Mother in Law: We are going to see Sarah perform in the Vagina Monologues at the end of the month.
Nothing like watching your daughter have an orgasm on stage. Can’t wait.
me: hahaha
i suppose better than over hearing one in a different setting
[followed by a long awkward pause, no response.]
Backstory: I’m transgendered.
Hey do youknow that there is a new premier TV show next week called Transgender MD? It’s about a transgendered woman gynecologist. Can’t wait!
Me: the illustrator of Tikki Tikki Tembo (No Sa Rembo Chari Bari Ruchi Pip Peri Pembo) has died.
Mom: o my yembo isn’t that a shamebo
