We took a canoe out at Sandy Beach.  Your dad can’t swim and was scared to death of drowning.  I was rocking the canoe and he was freaking.  Apparently he hadn’t noticed that the water was only about 3 feet deep.  Eventually the canoe tipped over and he screamed…only to then stand up in water just past his knees.  He was embarressed (and a little pissed off) but it was funny.

Love mom

Backstory: after I sent my mom an e-mail bragging about filing my own taxes for the first time, she replied with the bad news that just this week a tax document for about additional income had been mailed to my parents’ address (rather than my own). Now I’m stuck either a) defrauding the government or b) trying to amend my return.

That’ll teach you to try to be proactive and on time with taxes!  Better to do like me and Dad and wait until the dead last day to file. We think it’s a good test of our marriage vows.  Love ya, Mom

You can’t believe- we just spent the last four hours with these obnoxious people from Minah-soe-tah. I normally would like the accent of the Minnesotans, but this chick with her fake boobs was 35 and demanded all the attention of the table. I was sitting next to her husband who was destroying his liver and got up from the never ending meal to take a smoke- I’d smoke too and drink myself to death if I was her husband. When the bill came (by the way, the idea of the dinner was presented to us that they were taking us out to dinner) he took one look and asked everyone to throw in their credit card to divide it up evenly. We only shared a glass of the bottle of wine for all! We had to pay for their bad habits and for what? The memory of that god forsaken night that I’ll never get back? And what do they know of me? Only that I don’t do spin classes cause those bikes hurt my hoo-hoo. Lesson learned: get the bill straight before you go out to dinner with unsuspecting Minnn-ah-soe-ta-ns.

I’ve been single for over a year and am about to turn 27 in less than a month. My mother is old school Italian and apparently she has decided to take matters into her own hands.

Sweetie,
An Italian student of mine, a real sweetheart, came to get some help with her Italian in my office today. She saw your picture and immediately said, “Is that your daughter? She’s gorgeous.” This girl, Isabella, is gorgeous, too. She’s 20 and works for a doctor who is of Italian background and may have even lived in Italy as a child. He’s 31 and still single! He is dark haired, nearly 6 feet, and sounds like a perfect catch. He’s family oriented, strong Italian cultural background, went to medical school here obviously. He has a thriving practice, likes dark-haired girls, has built himself a gorgeous home, goes to Italy frequently and plans to buy himself a house there. She went on and on how nice he is and how she has been working for him since she was 15 and is always trying to match him up. She and his mother work in the office. She was thrilled to hear about you, your background, etc…and wants to set up a date. He comes to New York city a lot because his sister goes to Julliard. She’s a make-up artist there. Well, we had a long conversation, and she seems to think that you may be just what he’s looking for (he’s fussy, too). Ah, yes, he’s also very romantic and very generous.
She’s going to bring me a picture tomorrow so that I can see how he looks. From what she described, he sounds like the type of dark-haired guy that you like.
What do you think???

Backstory:there was a snowstorm while my dad was on a business trip.

Hi,
I just wanted to share with you how very pleased I am with myself. I “snow-blowered” the whole driveway without hurting myself!! I stayed away from rotating blades and such, but I must admit I still have to work on nozzle control, that thing where the snow blows out. I looked like a snowman when I was done!

The dogs weren’t that impressed. They were like”whatever”, Beau goes “where are the deer in all this” and Leo was wondering whether he could still find his tennis balls (which he couldn’t as it turned out).

Anyway, I’m telling you: there is nothing that can boost self-esteem like working the snow-blower. If you ever feel bad about yourself, you know what to do!

Yes, I can!!

Proud in Pennsylvania,

your mother

I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM LAST NIGHT, I DREAMED I WAS IN EUROPE AT A SPA WITH MADONNA AND WE WERE HANGING OUT LIKE WE WERE BFF’S. ANYWAY BEFORE YOU COULD GO THRU THE SPA YOU HAD TO HAVE ALL YOUR BODY HAIR REMOVED BY THESE LITTLE BOYS. SO I WASN’T HAVING ANY OF IT. IT WAS SO WEIRD. AND THESE PEOPLE DIDN’T SEEM TO KNOW WHO MADONNA WAS SO WE STARTED SINGING “LIKE A VIRGIN.” AND THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF.

I don’t like them. They look like testicles, and therefore I can’t think of anything else when I try to eat them.

My roommate and I decided to bring in a third roommate to share my room in our apartment to cut on costs and I was upset about the lack of independence it would bring.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I hope you had a great day and are looking forward to the future! Just because you now have a roommate does not mean you are going backwards – instead you are resourceful in order to keep the money you earn and save for the future you want. A little sacrifice now tastes so much sweeter later. IT should get you excited to find ways to save yourself some of that hard earned money. Frugal is very IN right now and it is very self satisfying. Cangratulate yourself and pat yourself on the back – I am proud of you. It is not shameful to save money – on the contrary. Satan wants you to think you are deprived but when you take control you have the power over money. DOnt serve it let money serve you!

Love you and I am proud of you. Be so grateful for this opportunity. God is providing.

Love,

MOM

Backstory: my parents are spending a year in South Africa where I guess the internet connection is giving her a few problems..

Me: Mother would you please answer my email..it’s only polite
Mum: Daughter dear..i keep trying but they keep cutting me off because i take too long and it is making me a nervous wreck.

Backstory: I sent my mom an interview that Katie Couric did of Lil’ Wayne for the Grammys.

Katie Couric shouldn’t have gone into the news. She’s way too perky. What the f’ is wrong with his face? He’s a gangsta and a rapper? He’s taking on the president?? I would be in fear of my life if I had to interview him! Please tell me they did not actually tattoo this child for his album cover. That is the saddest thing ever. And creepy.

Oh, and Dave, that you met yesterday is the like a more intelligent Gomer Pyle. He’s really nice.

Worst hair in a commercial: Best Buy kid with Rascal Flatts “do”,
bonus fetal alcohol syndrome beady crossed eyes

Dad’s high and low moment: Faith Hill live/ Faith Hill not naked

Hi -

Dad seems a little blue and I think it would be a good idea to look thru your power thought cards and pick something out for him. He’s expecting an email to brighten his day. If you don’t want those cards give them to me. I need to have powerful thoughts in order to live with your father.

xoxo mom

I’ve been married to the “slut” for 3 years now.

I swear, if I had your brother first, I never would have had another kid. Right now, I really hate him. He left his half eaten doritos in the kitchen.

Well, always remember if you ever want to break up with that slut, we’ve kept your room exactly how you left it. I’ve been using your bed to store some blankets and clothes, but I can clean that up quickly.

Love you baby!

mama