What did you guys think of the article “Grandma Can’t Be Bothered” in the NY Times today? It’s about some modern-day grandmothers who don’t want to take care of their grandchildren:
Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, “feel they’ve put in their time,” Ms. Barash said. “They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they’re not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren.”
In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.
Those of you who have kids: Is your mom like this–or the opposite? And for the grandmas in the room, did you recognize yourself?
Thank you for sharing this. We don’t have kids yet but we’ve learned from the rest of the family that we should not expect much of the in laws in terms of being with the kids. It’s very sad to me that they’ve begged us all to make grandchildren but don’t spend any time with them. I thought perhaps it was depression but at least now I see it’s trendy. :(
March 5, 2009 at 3:59 pm
This makes me sad.
MY parents I clearly remember, took me and my sister to OUR grandma’s house almost every single weekend.
Now tHEY won’t return the favor.
You know, I totally understand that Grandparents are not meant to “raise grandchildren” (unless it is the last resort), and they are certainly NOT meant to have to take the “grandchild/baby” every single weekend either, or when mom and dad decides to throw the child at them.
HOWEVER…I do know times are changing, and OUR older generation of grandparents were mostly retired, and enjoyed their older years with grandchildren. Now sadly, many grandparents these days are working full time, and some are even having to raise grandchildren due to too many teenage pregnancies, etc..
But what about couples like me and my husband? Who both work, and never hardly ask anyone to babysit? His parents are divorced, and live very far away. HIS mother (my MIL), does NOT pay ANY attention to any of her grandchildre—according to HER they are all “a burden” most of the time.
But MINE are about 30 min away. They DO see my daughter (We only have one, and they have NO other “Grandchildren”, mind you. They DID want to see her more when she was a baby..but sadly, they always act like we are “bothering them” when she asks to spend the night (which is HARDLY EVER). She is 11 now…behaves VERY well, and never throws tantrums–EVER.
My mom is allowed to have “me time”..but I find it TRULLY insulting how they made ME stay at MY grandma’s house every weekend, so they can have “me time”..yet NEVER hardly wants to do the same for US.
They don’t even go out, THEY AVOID FRIENDS, other family members, etc.my dad is anit-social, and my mom just seems to always have an excuse for not wanting her over “not this weekend”..etc…almost EVERY weekend.
What’s worse, is the other day…she says to me..”I can’t wait until (My daughter’s name)–goes back to school so you and I can spend more “alone time” having coffee or go to the bookstore”….UGH…just made me so mad!! I turned and looked at her and said…”ummm excuse me mom..how about you focus more on “alone/bonding time” with YOUR grandaughter instead??”
See what I mean??????????
To make things worse–we were living out of state a few years ago, and she BEGGED us to move back to also be “close to her grandaughter”….and once we did…she HARDLY DOES AT ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about getting a grandchild’s hopes too high….this is ruining our relationship now.
July 24, 2010 at 1:48 pm
In response to MEME –
Your parents took you to visit your grandparents …. not the other way around.
Your parents taught you that it is respectful for an adult child (with children) to visit their parent. It is probably the same thing your grandparents taught your parents. And they passed on to you.
It seems you have dropped the ball.
I wonder what your children will learn from this.
April 5, 2011 at 9:27 am
To MEME again…
After reading further in this discussion board, I see that your parents didn’t actually visit their parents, but rather dropped you off and used their parents as a babysitter.
Sad. Not at all what I first thought.
Why do you want these parents to babysit your children?
April 5, 2011 at 9:36 am
Concerning Grandkids: It is not the obligation nor is it mandatory duty for grandparents to raise / babysit or have the grandchildren “dumped” on them. It is “our time” now after raising our own kids and they have now flown the coup and have families. If the grandchildren come over, it is by a plan or advance notice – no spur-of-the-moment drop – offs – the raising of the grandchildren is up to their parents to raise them whose immaturity (should it be the case) will not impose on us, and I see plenty of it these days with parents dumping the kids on the grandparents and then try run a guilt trip on them if they refuse…well…not here. They (my kids) will not impose on us. They did the cohabitation – now it’s their responsibility. Play time is over… time to be parent(s) they will not unload those kids on us so they can continue to go out and “play” in their 30s and 40s …nor will they move into our residence with the grandkids. and.. no daughter will sleep with multiple absentee fathers and move in here either with multiple kids…. It wasn’t like that 50 years ago and it is not happening now. In the 1950s and 1960s, my parents made plans – we went to Grandma’s for Sunday dinners once a month, as a family- not dropped off there, then we left and went home with our parents and were raised by our parents as it should be. We were never dumped on our grandparents by my parents expecting them to be assumed babysitters. Spending time with our grandkids now is by invite and plan and Holidays. ” Me” time” for our kids is not on a regular basis. “Me” time comes for my kids after the grandkids are grown, so “new parents” get used to it and face the facts…… I worked 3 jobs at times and the only “me” time I expected was a good night’s sleep. Now our kids are grown who we raised without “dumping” them on Grandma and Grandpa -we raised them, they are grown and out raising their kids and we have plenty of “our time” and do NOT feel guilty one bit. The Holidays and monthly visits over all those years always maintained the love and respect both ways between the grandparents and Grandkids,
July 2, 2017 at 2:11 pm
My mom wouldn’t take care of her grandkids 24 / 7 for too long I think, but for an afternoon, a day or even the occasional week? Anytime. She’d pay to babysit her grandkids :).
March 5, 2009 at 4:25 pm
It doesn’t suprise me that as the “Me” generation is now old enough to be grandparents that they cannot be bothered because it may take away from their “me” time.
March 5, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Hey- we’ve done our time and taken care of our own kids- now you take care of yours- been there done that, not taking care of my grandkids….
June 21, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Has nothing to do with a me generation, more like a current generation that feels entitled. We watched our own kids! No one helped! We did not ever go on weekend getaways or weekly date nights! If we went somewhere we took the kids with us. Every vacation included the kids. I never once resented taking care of my kids. I loved them and never tried to dump them! Something is wrong with parents today who somehow think they are entitled to “getaways “! Seriously? No your are not.
I raised kids for 35 years. My youngest is still in college so I’m not even finished yet. My youngest has a severe disability and I homeschooled him all 12 years so that he can succeed today! If I had to go somewhere childfree (extremely rare) I hired a babysitter! I took the kids with me to the doctor and grocery shopping (even the disabled one!)
I see my grandkids every Sunday as part of family dinner. Iwe occasionally pick them up to go somewhere. Of course I’m always available for emergencies. But a vacation is not an emergency! Take them with you!
Seriously, I’ve been raising kids for 35 years without a break! I’m done raising kids. It is now my turn to have a getaway!
How selfish of this generation to think I should give up the rest of my life so they can play and trace instead of raising there own kids!
September 18, 2017 at 3:58 am
In the age of “helicopter parents” I don’t think this is very surprising. If you put ALL your energies into raising your kids to the exclusion of having your own life, of course you would want to be a glam-ma and be free of that responsibility when you are older. But wouldn’t it be better to live your own life all along?
March 5, 2009 at 5:27 pm
And now after (ahem) actually reading the article, I’ll amend that to include the moms of the current generation. Why should they expect their moms to “have something special planned” for the children and come over to cook/change diapers?
March 5, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Makes you wonder which generation is the “me” generation…
April 5, 2011 at 9:51 am
I can so relate to both sides of this story because I loved being a stay at home mom and love babysitting my children but my mom and her mom were both like the grandmother who liked to show she had grandchildren but didn’t have anything to do with them but my dad’s mom didn’t babysit us because the distance was too far but we knew she loved us and having us around, we didn’t feel like we were a bother. I know my mom loves my children and tried to get my children to understand that she just isn’t a hands on person like I was with them and I am with my grandson but children don’t really understand. I tried when my kids were little to include my mom in their lives and what was important to them but she just wasn’t interested. Unfortunately the result is that now that my kids are adults my mom would love to be in their lives but they aren’t interested. There is nothing I can do to make that bond happen but they do have that bond with my dad’s mom who was thrilled to have them visit and loved listening to them. So a couple of time a years even when they were in the teens we would travel to her home and visit. I feel sorry for my mom because missed out in watching some wonderful kids grow up but for me I have accepted her and love like she is and I hope my kids when they are a little older will too.
March 5, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I think there could be more to this than just the “ME” generation growing up. I’m in my thirties and I had my father’s mother who was a career woman and socialite involved in tons of activities who would drop anything to take care of my brother and I even though we lived over an hour away. My mother’s parents though would not do anything with my brother and I and had to be paid to take care of us, however with my other cousins, they gladly gave up their time and days to take care of them. I think it may say more about family dynamics rather than a completely selfish motive.
That being said, my mother would give anything to spend time with my children, however I cannot trust her to be responsible with them as she is an alcoholic. Luckily, my children have my stepmother and her mother as substitute grandparents who are more than happy to take care of them in a pinch.
March 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm
My wife’s parents are living out in the central part of the country (thank goodness). My parents live in the same city here in Spokane. My mom will keep and eye on the 2 youngest for a couple of hours if my wife and I want a quiet dinner once in a while but she is not up for anthing more than a couple of hours. Its really too bad that she doesn’t want to spend more time with them. Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, especially my grandpa, and now I have some wonderful memories of both of them. Unfortunately my kids will not have those same kind of memories. I have worked with people who have parents on both sides that will babysit the grandkids while mom and dad are both working and that is great to me. Those kids are having the type of relationship I only dreamed my kids would have. I know when my kids are having kids I will hopefully get to spend as much time as I want with them. It will be nice to spoil them and then be able to send them home to mom and dad.
March 5, 2009 at 7:06 pm
On the other hand….if YOUR parents took you to “Grandma;s house” almost every single weekend so they could have THEIR alone time when YOU were little” (like me and MY sister had to)..then that’s when your parents should return the favor. Especially since we never ask them to babysit hardly ever..but for them to always have some BS excuse why they can’t come over when THEY had MY grandparents take care of us now and then..THAT is not fair, and totally wrong. My mom even begged me to keep my pregnancy–even tho I was only 19 and was planning not to..glad I did..HOWEVER…she is totally a bs-er for wanting to be a “grandma” so bad–yet doesn’t want to actually DO IT. My dad also could “care less” and yes, they live together. They are lazy, never go out, have no friends. Yet they are too selfish to ask to take care of my daughter..and she is 11..NOT a baby anymore..so why not? She behaves VERY WELL too.
July 24, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Hi Jeff, I am probably your parents age and have an ongoing thing with my daughter though a lot remains unsaid anymore. It has caused great strain in our relationship. I have a wonderful little grandaughter who is four. I worship her and love her company as I loved being a mom to my daughter when she was growing up. However, for several reasons I do not babysit my grandaughter every time requested. Firstly, I have health issues and I tire very easily. Secondly, I am starting a business, settling my husband’s estate (he just passed) and trying to pull all of that together. Though I am officially retired, I am as or more busy than when I was working. I am not and will not ever be a “retired” person. It is not in my nature.
I was a single mom most of my daughter’s life and gave her my life with joy and willingly. I did sacrifice a lot of my own desires to make a good home for her.
I take my grandaughter for overnights and out to lunch and see her at least once a week but I am not a babysitter. I am told that “everyone does it.” That I am a bad mother because I do not do more. I know there are many who feel like me particularly those who do not think of “retirement” as the end of the road.
I have seen many parents of the 30′s and 40′s generation guilted into doing things that they really don’t want to do. We have worked hard all of our lives. I, for one, did not decide to become a babysitter in my older age. Good luck to you and i hope this will help you to understand more.
January 29, 2013 at 7:24 pm
COCO – It’s sad to see that you see spending your time with your grandchild as “babysitting.” You get out as much as you put in.
My mom was a single mother to four girls. My grandmother lived with us and cooked and cleaned humbly for a decade. After that, Grandma moved to live with her other kids (she had 8 in total).
I value all the time she put in during my teenage years, when my relationship with my mother was strained by teenage drama. And remember fondly those years we had. Now she has dementia and one of my aunts care for her full time.
Maybe the today’s grandparents would realize when they put the time in to care they get the care back in folds. It would be sad if you finally need things from your kids, but they were too busy to be bothered to care for you.
September 1, 2014 at 10:22 pm
Wow. My parents can’t enough of my nieces. It tears them up that they live so far away and get to see them but a few times a year. My grandma lived with my family for 12 years.
I’m a temp nanny and I’ve heard it a couple times – that they shell out the big bucks for my services because the grandparents have made it clear that they are not babysitters. Ouch.
March 5, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Grandparents have their own lives too- they have raised their families and dont always want to have kids around- get over it all you people out there who think your parents have nothing better to do than be with your kids- they have a life too- deal with it.
June 21, 2010 at 2:37 pm
They DO have their own lives..but if THEY got “their grandparents” to “babysit” for THEM..they should return the favor.
July 24, 2010 at 1:53 pm
cdruoow – Sucks if no one visits you when you are bed riddened and ill. You help out with the kids because you love them. You sow ill feelings and you’ll get ill feelings back.
September 1, 2014 at 10:52 pm
Twenty years ago I use to complain to my friend that my mom very rarely looked after my children. My mom had made it perfectly clear that she could be counted on only as a last resort but that she was more than happy to be with the children when I was there. I would not only complain to my friend but also cry because I felt abandoned and I also felt that since my mom was alone she should welcome feeling part of my family.
On the other hand, this same friend who listened to me had a wonderful and devoted step-mother-in-law who would drop everything in order to take care of her two children.
Guess what though….I believe that after a while she took advantage of her generosity and used her for everything and anything. Need to wallpaper the living room? No problem, “G” would take the kids for the weekend. Need to run some errands, again “G” would step in. On and on it went .
I’ve seen both sides and now that my older two are in their twenties I really don’t know what type of grandma I’ll be. I’m not so quick to condemn my mom now.
March 5, 2009 at 11:38 pm
My sister and I share a SMALL home……
Recently, her daughter who has had three children ALL by different fathers–moved in with us…….
We have lost our peace of mind, our privacy and in the meanwhile have gained children who yell, scream, fight and are, as politely expressed at BEST brats…. all BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SISTER’S AH, CHILDREN (BRATS AND WORSE COMES TO MIND FOR ME!)
My sister has made it clear that she WILL babysit the brats while her daughter works……but, now, THAT situation has escalated to the present where her daughter is OPENLY DEMANDING THAT HER MOTHER BABYSIT WITH THE BRATS while she (the daughter) SPENDS THE WEEKENDS PARTYING! (The daughter works p/t at a restaurant).
I have OPENLY told this bi****ch that I WILL NOT BABYSIT HER CHILDREN (*I HAVE BETTER, INAPPROPRIATE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THEM!!!) AND/OR THAT IF THE B*****CH TRIES TO FORCE ME TO BABYSIT WITH HERb****************** THAT I WILL SEEK LEGAL OPTIONS…..
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE BI***************** IS not ATTEMPTING TO FORCE ME TO BABYSIT!
WHY SHOULD I, WHO DO not WANT CHILDREN, NEVER IRRESPONSIBLY BRED ILLEGITIMATE BASTARDS BE LEGALLY forced TO BABYSIT WITH THE ABOVE!
IMHO, my sister MUST/NEEDS TO INSIST THAT THE IRRESPONSIBLE B************ MOVE IN WITH ONE OF THE ‘BABYDADDIES’ THAT SIRED THE CHILDREN TO BEGIN WITH!
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 8, 2013 at 5:39 pm
I’m really tickled at Charlie’s response, not only because it seethes hate and ignorance, but because she’s overflowing with so much negativity that she posted the same rant in response to several comments. Clearly, she has a problem that she’s not handling very well despite her obvious wisdom in how to live your life properly. Somebody help her find a therapist. If you don’t know how to handle your personal issues, who are you to judge someone else’s problems? Shouldn’t you be on a forum about how to get a squatter out of your house instead? Or maybe how to talk to your sister about your niece out-staying her welcome? Those kids didn’t ask to be born, and the hate you have for them simply for not being as “legitimate” as you are will not make them any more pleasant to be around. People come into your life to give you a chance to enrich their lives with your experience and wisdom. If you could muster up a small amount of love, maybe you can keep them from walking down the same path as their mother. They aren’t perfect, but from your several posts, Charlie, you’ve got some room to grow too.
August 27, 2016 at 3:35 am
I have actually railed against one aspect of this for years.
Around here there are far, far too many grandchildren being raised by grandparents. As if it’s their obligation to do so and anyone who dares to say it isn’t is somekind of weirdo/commie/insert derogatory comment here.
I disagree. I raised my four with my wife. And while raising them if we needed a night/weekend off or out we paid for a trusted babysitter. Of course, being several hundred or a couple of thousand miles away might have had a bit to do with it – ex militay.
I didn’t beg anyone to have any children, and when a couple of them did I made it plain that we had done our time and would not raise them. An overnight stay (because the wife has to be happy), yeah. Some afternoons and stuff, okay. But we have lives now and I have always failed to see why anyone thinks that the grandparents are built in babysitters. Yes, family is family and I can hear the thoughts now “if they really loved us they’d do this”. However, maybe if the children loved the parents they wouldn’t be so quick to try and take advantage of the situation. Yeah, it sucks when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn’t it?
March 6, 2009 at 11:13 am
I do not think it is the responsibility of the grandparent to be “on call” for babysitting or to take on the responsibility of raising the children, however….my mother-in-law lives an hour away and can not be bothered to come and visit. We have ALWAYS had to pack everything up and go to her when she felt it was time to see her grandchild. She and her husband are both retired and in good health and yet their lives are too busy to make a trip to us. Unfortunately my parents live several states away but they come and visit, at least once a year.
I admit I get jealous of my friends who have family member who love to see their grandchildren and offer to have the kids occasionally spend the night so mom and dad can have some grown up time or will step in an help out on a snow day so parents don’t have to take another day off work…..it must be nice to have supportive family members close by. Yes I am bitter. I don’t want her to be at my beck and call I just wish she would show some more caring and interest.
March 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Thank u for your honesty. I could’ve written this. I give up & let go my boys are 9 & 10 are very smart & are starting to put it together soon how selfish these people are & guess who will not be getting visited in the nursing home….
September 28, 2015 at 1:20 am
I don’t understand why this has to be a judgement, as though one type of grandparent is better than another. It’s totally dependent upon the specific family. My cousin lived with my grandmother his whole life, and I went to her house every day after school and stayed until after family dinner, also prepared by gram. It was fantastic. But it wasn’t that my mother or aunt were taking advantage of her — and she knew that, and she happily stepped into help because she’s of a family that just assumed everyone would pitch in to raise all extant younger generations. That doesn’t make her a stoolie. Neither, however, are grandparents who value their own, separate lives mean-spirited. It just depends on the family dynamic and it’s unfair and useless to try and hash out how grandparents “should” be, because, I suppose, they “should” be however they are.
March 6, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Well said!
September 25, 2014 at 5:11 pm
As a grandmother, I can tell you I love all the time I can get with my granddaughter. I also don’t mind babysitting ON OCCASION so my son and his wife can go out to dinner. However, I don’t feel I should be made to feel guilty or it be insinuated I don’t care enough for my grandchildren if I say no. My husband and I still work full time and we have things to take care of after work and on weekends. I want my grandchildren to know us and us them. I don’t want to raise them. I think there is (or should be) a middle ground. The “me” generation as one correspondent put it, has raised its children and is ready to ASSIST the next generation…not do it for them.
March 6, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Right on!!
June 21, 2010 at 2:40 pm
I totally agree!!! I am a stepgrandmother with an 11yr old of my own to raise. I am not a babysitting service. Come visit, bring them and stay, but I am not a nanny, I am a mom too with volleyball, basketball and many other responsibilities. If I can do it everyday so can you.
March 25, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Iagree with the above.
As a so-called ‘aunt’ to UNWANTED, UNASKED FOR CHILDREN, (OBVIOUSLY, MY SISTER’S DAUGHTER never ASKED ANYONE’S PERMISSION TO GET PREGNANT…..) I AM DEEPLY ANGERED WHEN THIS B************ IN-h************************ DEAMNDS THAT HER AH, CHILDREN BE CARED FOR WHILE SHE IS OUT FOR A SO-CALLED ‘DATE.’
IMHO, an answer IS to tell the B******** IN H@@@@@@@@@@@@@ THAT SHE is RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING CARE OF HER OWN CHILDREN– AND/OR THAT OTHERS ARE not RESPONSIBLE FOR BABYSITTING/CHILDCARE!
IF THE CHILDREN GET REMOVED BY DSS THE SOONER, THE BETTER!
September 8, 2013 at 6:06 pm
My issue is that my MIL chooses grandkids over grandkids. She got mad at me because my girls went to my grandma’s (so their great grandma) campground and she called in the middle of the week a day before they were going to leave and asked for them. When I told her there plans she was all huffy anf puffy about it. Yet when my daughter called her because she has not seen her in over 4 months she lied to her on the phone about the reason she couldnt see my daughter. My MIL has alot of grandkids yet she see perticular ones everyday. I dont ask for her help, and I’m done trying to involve her in things because she either lies about showing up, or tells me its my fault she didn’t come because I didn’t call and remind her?? Seriously shes a joke. We got to family events and she ignores my youngest daughter completely apparently you can’t show affection for two kids the same age because thats what she does. Its pathetic! My oldest is seeing how she is and tells me things that she doesn’t agree with all the time. I have been waiting for this day where I no longer have to sit back and watch how hurt they are because she can’t not love more than a few at a time. Ive always said Id never talk bad about her to my kids that one day they will see how she is and when they don’t want her around that would her own fault. My daughter has a play coming up and she doesn’t want to invite her grandma because she never comes anyways, so “waste of a phone call”. How can anyone be this evil???
September 9, 2014 at 4:41 pm
You know I don’t think it is about one type being better than the other but Lynn boiled it down to the heart of it. Whether the parents showed any interest at all in the children. My dad’s mom never babysat us but we knew she loved us unconditionally and showed it when we visited but my mom’s mom just wasn’t interested in us. I know now as an adult she loved us in her own way but she wasn’t interested in us. My mom is like her mom and I am more like my dad’s mom. It hurts when someone you love isn’t interested in your child……
March 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm
get over it.
June 21, 2010 at 2:41 pm
I don’t think I could judge either way, since each individual family has their own set of circumstances. But I know that my own mother is so ready for grandchildren (she has none yet, and I’m the front-runner among my two sisters) that she has offered to move closer to wherever my fiancee and I finally settle down, so that she CAN babysit more if we want her to. However, she maintains that it will be OUR decision, since she would not want to impose. Coincidentally, my future mother-in-law actually wants to build a second house on her property for us to move into (not happening).
March 6, 2009 at 2:32 pm
My Mother lives with us and she watched the kids for us during the day while we are at work. She loves doing it most days, and others, not so much. Just like parenting. We pay her $400.00 a month and room and board. She enjoys being with the kids and loves being a part of our household. On the other hand, My Mother in Law also live with us (until April 1st) and does nothing with the kids. Well, she does less with my Son and works with my daughter on MIL’s laptop and colors with her but does no interacting with my son at all. I just think that it is the type of person that they are. My Mom was not fantastic as a Mother but is great as a grandma and my MIL was not a great Mother and is a awful Nana.
March 6, 2009 at 3:24 pm
My parents are about to be grandparents for the first time and they’re terrified that they’re not going to see their grandson much. My brother lives over an hour away and his wife’s parents are right around the corner from them. Their greatest wish is that we’ll come to see them often with our kids. They’ve already baited us with, “you guys can go out for the night and have some alone time and we’ll babysit!”. I don’t expect my parents to raise my children. They’ve done their job. I do expect them to be there to love my children. I want my parents to be as important to my kids as my grandparents were and are to me.
March 6, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I have 2 sets of parents (my biological parents divorced and re-married when I was 5). My issue is the difference that one set makes between the grandkids. The dad/step mom set rarely do anything with my son. They have a son (my half brother) and will baby sit his 18 month old all the time but for some reason can never keep my 8 year old because her back, knee, or foot hurts… come on – which is easier on the aches – an 18 month old that needs constant attention or an 8 year old that needs a couple of match box cars and an area rug with a pattern??
March 6, 2009 at 11:07 pm
i’m only 37, but i can tell you, if my 14-year-old daughter chooses to have children someday, i’d love to look after the little angels! well, as long as they sit still, stay quiet and don’t need to eat. or defecate. what fun!
March 6, 2009 at 11:18 pm
reality ck lady.
June 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I’m 57 years old, work 20 hours per week, and raised four of my own who are now: 21, 23, 24 and 33.
I LOVE to spend time with my 28 month old grandson.
He and my oldest daughter live 50 miles away and do not have a car.
I have driven to help out and babysit him many times.
I can’t wait for the time when he will come and stay with me for a few days at a time. He will always be welcomed warmly at my home.
When CJ looks into my eyes and calls me “Mema”, it’s the sweetest thing in the world to me.
Some people don’t realize the blessing they’re missing.
March 7, 2009 at 7:18 am
The article seemed really extremist. On one end, there was the g’ma who couldn’t be bothered more than every few months, while on the other end, there was the set of parents complaining about paying for daycare. Both situations, IMNSHO, are extremist.
I don’t think that most parents expect grandparents to be unpaid nannies on call 24/7 in most situations–they’d just like an occasional offer (or knowledge that it’s okay to ask) for a night off during the month for g’ma to babysit her grandkids instead of getting the usual babysitter. That is NOT taking advantage or having the older generation “raise” the grandkids. I don’t think asking 4-6 hours a month is taking advantage by any means, nor will any person die of boredom in that amt. of time. Kids are boring. I’m a SAHM, I get it. But a little bit of g’parent and g’kid time is good for everyone involved–grandparents, grandkids and the parents.
Grandparents who make it abundantly clear they do not want to be involved AT ALL or help AT ALL may well find themselves sitting alone for 3+ months on end 20 years from now, when their health/age makes them too old to be “glam” and “hip” and their children and grandchildren have the same attitude towards them (ie–old people are boring, we have nothing in common, it’s time for me to do my life, g’ma got to do it, so should I, etc etc). A bit harsh, yes, but definitely something this “too busy to be bothered even once a month” grandparents should think about. If they are okay with this, fine. But deep down, many most likely will not be. Just something to consider. Karma will come ’round.
Just to clarify–I’m only defending the reasonable parental requests (such as one night a month or afternoon a month or ER situations in situations where it’s feasible), not parents who take advantage and expect the 24/7 stuff.
March 7, 2009 at 10:39 pm
That article is really sad. I don’t see why a grandma can’t be “glam” and enjoy her life but still love and enjoy spending time with her grandchildren! My parents, who live nearby, love my baby son so much and spend as much time with him as they can. My in-laws live a few states away and I know my mother in law wishes that we were closer- she hates missing out on his life. Both my husband and I have great memories of spending time with our grandparents growing up, and I’m glad to know our children will have a great relationship with their grandparents, too.
March 7, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Karen,
WERE YOU MARRIED TO THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN! THAT IS THE SADDEST PART!
EXPLAIN JUST WHY SO-CALLED ‘PARENTS’ WHO SIRED you ARE, IN FACT, LEGALLY REQUIRED TO PROVIDE SO-CALLED BABYSITTING CARE FOR YOU AND/OR YOUR ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN! DUH!
WHY ARE SO-CALLED PARENTS WHO HAVE RAISED THEIR CHILDREN legally REQUIRED TO PROVIDE SUPPORT FOR ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN!
September 8, 2013 at 7:29 pm
Stop screaming and calling people names!
Your behaviore proves that adage that one doesn’t have to be born a !@#$% to be one! . Your the the bigger born on the wrong side of the blanket jerk.
March 6, 2015 at 10:33 pm
Looks like my granny was ahead of her time! Right after I was born my grandmother, who’d never worked before, went out and got a job. She told my mother she’d raised 5 and wasn’t interested in doing it again!
If I’d been a boy it would have been a different story, but after 4 girls (the youngest of whom was still in college and living at home) my gran was officially fed up.
March 8, 2009 at 5:40 am
Right on!! ITs not grandma’s job anymore
June 21, 2010 at 2:59 pm
I saw the children of one stepchild twice this weekend! I love being grandma, but babysitting is exhausting. One thing that is sad is that we are all talking about dropping the kids off so grandparents can babysit. That is often the most, if not all, time they get with the children. When I was a kid my one grandma babysat me all the time, but we still visited as an entire family. She could enjoy me and still have my parents look after us, which is a different situation than babysitting. So many adult children don’t do that – and read all these messages prior to mine: mom won’t BABYSIT so she doesn’t get to know the kids. What a shame the whole family can’t visit each other. And here’s something that may be unwelcome news: some adult children think they are doing right by withholding their children from grandparents against whom they are nursing grudges and then get worked up because their children don’t get attention. I know that hurts, but some young adults don’t realize they’re just shitheads.
March 8, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Oh dear lord no- my mother would willing raise my child if we let her… she gets mad at me if i don’t call her to babysit often enough 0_o
March 9, 2009 at 1:30 am
I’m at work right now, and my MIL is at home with my two boys. She offered – but we still pay her (albeit far less than we were paying the daycare.) We only have her for a year though, then she wants to enjoy her retirement. So, that means in August (the cutoff) we’re shelling out $2,000 per month in daycare costs. That is nearly my entire income, but I can’t afford to quit and lost my benefits (health insurance, etc.)
It’s tough out there for a pimp these days.
March 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I don’t have kids yet, but have heard that this is the case with my in-laws. I have to say, who can blame them? They already did the parenting thing and are now embracing their empty nest lives – getting out with friends, going to dinner / shows in the city, traveling. Especially my mother-in-law, husbands used to be much less involved in helping out with the kids than they are now. She raised three boys and did a really great job, so I think she can spend some time shopping and lunching with friends, she’s earned it!
March 10, 2009 at 10:43 am
As a stepgranmother with a preteen of my own, the realization that the someday when my daughter went to college and I got my husband back to myself for albiet a few years while she was off to colllege was shattered when I became a stepgrandmother. Now I see our spare time I hoped we’d spend “honeymooning” spent raising his grandkids and getaways I thought would finally just be us…will be likely spent at seaworld and disney. We’ve been there done that, we never got a real honeymoon or will we ever worry about “emptynest” syndrome I guess. He comes from a large family and is expecting me to just eat this up, but as an only child I just want it too be us- for just a littlewhile like normal married families. My husband thinks everything we do should include them even at the expense of taking away from special time we should spend raising our daughter together-not making her disrupt her life and activities because the “grandkid” needs a sitter so the world stops.
March 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm
finally, someone who has it right!! Grandma has been there done that, its not her job to raise the grandkids
August 2, 2011 at 10:17 am
Thank you! You obviously care about her instead of so many others who believe they are entitled to use their grandmother
September 18, 2017 at 4:10 am
I think it all just depends. I grew up in a super Irish Catholic family, so my grandmother on my mother’s side considered it unthinkable to not come over a few times a week to play with my sister and I – and she never trusted “those college girl” babysitters that my mother hired to watch us when she had to go out. My father’s mother – a German woman who was widowed early in life – was a little different. She liked to have pictures of us around and bought us presents but she never really was into the idea of diapering and babysitting and whatnot.
March 10, 2009 at 11:01 am
I don’t have kids, but my sister does. My parents would kidnap the babies if given a chance hehe. Anytime the kids are there my sister doesn’t have to do anything, my parents happily do all the feeding and nappy changing.
My maternal Grandparents would babysit us or have us visit any chance they got, while my paternal set didn’t really seem to care, as a result the person I’m closest to in the whole world is my maternal Grandmother and from the time I was 15 (when my parents stopped making me go for visits with them) until my paternal grandparents died I saw them probably 10 times, at family weddings and funerals.
March 10, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I have a 5 yr old son and my parents are always willing to help out. He is 1 of 8 grandkids on my side of the family and my mother longs to see the grandkids more than she does. They do help in emergencies and from time to time ask to have them spend the night with them, but if they have plans, they speak up and tell us. No harm, no foul. I would never expect for my parents to raise him, although it helps that they do correct any wrong-doing he might do while he is with them. He loves them to pieces and will even pick up the phone and call his Nonna and Poppa to tell them what he is doing and they are always available to hear his comments. And love doing so! That being said, my mother-in-law is the exact opposite. She is a very self-centered person (my husband says she was like that as a mother too!) and only does things when it is convient for her (even taking care of her own parents!). It took me a few years to come to the conclusion that she was not going to be the kind of grandparent I thought she should be. Once I got over that hurdle, I realized that it was her loss. She is the one that misses out on see her grandkids (she has 2 others) do wonderful things and grow up! Not me, not my husband, and not my son. He has questioned why she isn’t around as much his Nonna, but since she has not always been a big part of his life, he doesn’t seem to notice. And there are even times when he doesn’t really know who she is, like when its been a long time since he’s seen her. But again, it is her loss, not my worry. He’ll turn out to be a fine young man with or without her.
March 10, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I’m wondering if maybe this phenomenon is related to childfreedom. Now, women have the ability to decide they don’t ever want kids. It’s still seen as “odd” and is hard to get folks to accept (look at all the docs who won’t sterilize women because “they’ll change their minds”) but there are support systems and it’s a more open subject.
Perhaps these glam-mas didn’t exactly *want* kids of their own. It was just what you did in their day, it was the social lifescript women were given and it didn’t seem that there were options. So, fast foward to decades later and these women are free to live their lives as they choose. And they choose not to raise more kids, even the kids of their kids.
Seems sensible to me.
‘Course, I’m a sterilized late-20something childfree person who (obviously) never wants to parent or grandparent kidlets. Still, I think it makes a good amount of sense, knowing how society works as far as reproduction is involved.
March 11, 2009 at 12:09 am
I think that’s a really good point. We have to realize that even now for a woman to say “I don’t want kids” can cause a lot of confusion, so imagine what it did to the previous generation! Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and if they didn’t want to do it once, they probably resent the ongoing demands of the job. I think that’s fair!
July 4, 2010 at 11:12 pm
I agree with M.. what if the grandma didnt want to be a parent in the first place, but because of ‘societal pressures’ she had to be and now wants her own life. I dont think g’parents should be required or relied upon as a babysitter. They want to enjoy themselves too and they can now the kids are gone. I dont remember staying a lot at my g’parents house. I think her 6-kids sucked it out of her and her 12-g’kids were just enough for her to handle w/o going insane. My parents are g’parents and they have not offered to host the g’child. They enjoy their peace/quiet too.
March 18, 2009 at 11:43 am
I am not a grandma/glamma yet but this describes how I feel. I left all of my creative endeavours off my to do list while I raised my three boys and am now enjoying my freedom. I am never bored but I am longing to be a glamma with the luxury of sending the little darlins home after a few hours.
April 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I really don’t understand why the young people of today if they decide to have children with or without a partner expects their
mothers to take over the caring of their offsprings.
There is a saying “been there, done that, have the Tee shirt”
These grandmothers brought up their children and in lots of cases
without any support from their parents and even their paartners.
Mother Nature for a very good reason does not allow women to get pregnant in their 60′s
Life goes in cycles and their is nothing written which says women have to keep caring for others till death.
If children want to have children then it is entirely up to them how they deal with it and must be taught at school that when you have kids your life is over for the next 18 years unless you are born male
May 20, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Right on Sister
June 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm
amen
March 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm
right on sista!! AMEN
August 2, 2011 at 10:21 am
jeanette – you are profound
December 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm
Men who insist on producing children they refuse to financially/emotionally support SHOULD BE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO BE STERILIZED. END OF PROBLEM!
April 24, 2014 at 5:51 pm
Amen. Why is it that moms and grandmas always bear the brunt of criticism where childrearing is concerned anyway, but hands-off dads and uninvolved grandpas get a free pass? What bs. What’s also bs is the uber entitled mindsets of the current child-bearing age generation who EXPECT their parents, especially their mothers, to desire nothing else in life except to take care of grandchildren. Sheesh.
As a mother of three adult daughters, I can truly and happily say that I devoted myself to raising them and gave them my all. I never imposed on my parents to take care of them when I was at work. I never even thought to ask them. My thought process back then was that it was MY and my husband’s decision to have kids and OUR responsibility to raise them. So we took care of them. Every ONCE IN A WHILE, we asked my parents to watch the kids, but it was very rare. We respected their time and felt they had done their jobs with us, and it was now their time to enjoy their golden years doing what they wanted to do with their lives.
In turn, I feel that I’ve dispensed my duty to my own children happily in terms of taking care of them, and it’s now my time to enjoy my retirement with my husband. It will INCLUDE happy times spent with my future beloved grandchildren, but my life will not revolve around them. It’s selfish and irresponsible to get pregnant ASSUMING that grandparents will take up the slack for you in child rearing. Be grateful if the grandparents want to, but don’t demand it as if you’re entitled. Good grief. That’s YOUR job, parents! Unfortunately, such selfishness and lack of maturity to handle adult responsibilities seems to be common among my daughters’ generation. Ouch.
Grow up and love your parents back enough to not to guilt trip them for finally having a life. They were people with dreams and desires the same as you before they gave birth to you!
August 30, 2015 at 7:16 am
I have news for some of you folks.My wife and i raised two great kids,we are now retired and quite frankly have had enough of raiseing kids.We love our two grand kids and spend good time with them both,but raiseing kids is just one single thing we all can do with our lives.After 46 years of working,we are retired and choose to spend the remaining years of our lives seeing new things and meeting new people,not raiseing more kids.Freedom I think is what we cherish,fight and die for and spending an entire lifetime just raiseing kids is,well…not freedom for some of us.
June 28, 2009 at 3:29 pm
AMEN!!!
March 25, 2011 at 3:12 pm
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANI YOU!
I share a SMALL home with my sister, who has a daughter with several children who have moved in with us….. These children yell, scream, fight, and/or otherwise PRODUCE UNWANTED NOISE, FIGHTING, ETC. At best, I can say I DO NOT WANT MY SISTER’S CHILD AND/OR HER BRATS LIVING WITH US!
We have totally LOST OUR PEACE, OUR QUIET, AND/OR OUR OPTIONS not TO HAVE TO BABYSIT WITH THE CHILDREN!
While my sister is willing to tolerate her daugter’s illegitimate bastareds, I AM TOTALLY UNWILLING TO BE DICTATED THAT I MUST BABYSIT WITH THE CHILDREN! I HAVE SERIOUS LEGAL QUESTIONS ABOUT JUST why I MUST BABYSITH WITH MY SISTER’S CHILDREN!CERTAINLY, THE DAUGHTER DID not CONTACT me BEFORE she HAD THE CHILDREN TO BEGIN WITH! MY QUESTION IS JUST why I AM LEGALLY REQUIRED TO BABYSIT HER AH, CHILDREN!
September 8, 2013 at 6:18 pm
I agree totally with you Archer. I raised Three children by myself with God’s help. They gave me three beautiful grandkids who I love very much. They are responsible adults and do not take advantage of my love for the grandkids and wanting to spend time with them.
On the other hand, two and a half years ago, I decided to date and we got married a year later. He has a son who is on drugs and I now find myself actually raising step-grandkids. The mother of three boys don’t call or haven’t given us a dime in a year. All three boys are emotionally and mentally disturbed and take 3 to 4 psych meds each. The mother also uses drugs and parties a lot.
The boys have ruined my house, they steal and are bed wetters. They are 6, 8, and 7. Because of this I don’t even want to see my own grandbabies which is sad. I am 54 and my husband is 56. I am seriously considering divorce. I want my peace back. By the way. I never consented to taking on these kids.
May 22, 2014 at 6:14 pm
My kids haven’t had grandparents for 15 years, since they were 4 and 6 years old. They don’t really understand what it means to have an “extended” family that loves them. All they have is us, the parents. No cousins. My husband and I don’t have friends, we have a few acquaintances. That’s life. ANY decent grandparents, even for a couple hours a week, would have been a blessing for our kids. So, folks, it could be worse in other words. Do try to be grateful for whatever extended family and friends you do have.
June 28, 2009 at 5:37 pm
My parents can barely remember their grandchildren’s birthdays, much less spend time with them. For my daughter’s birthday they stuck a sticky note in the card that said they had a present for her at their house. They live 45 min away but wouldn’t call or come see her for her birthday.
June 28, 2009 at 6:01 pm
The major theme being discussed here seems to be childcare…I don’t think that was entirely what the article meant…some grandparents just don’t seem to take ANY interest in the grandkids at all. When my mother comes to visit which has only been twice in the last four years, she stands at the edge of the room and just looks at my two kids as if they are aliens. She does not really talk to them unless it’s in some singsong sort of voice, with questions that are totally age-inappropriate, and certainly has never attempted to play with them. I would never dream of asking her to babysit since the last time she visited when she asked if she could put her liquor bottle in the brown paper bag under the baby’s highchair in the kitchen for easy access…she figured no one would notice it. She treated those visits like as if she was on a vacation, we live in Massachusetts and she lives in Maine, not that far apart really. When we go to visit her, if we run into neighbors or acquaintances of hers when with her, she acts all the bigshot as if she is so chummy and proud of her grandsons, but alone with us, she does not seem to care. And this all happens when we the parents are there too, it has nothing to do with her babysitting, as if she ever would. This all hurts hugely, and I personally resent her behavior and haven’t learned how to deal with it, especially since my husband’s parents are all dead and we have no family nearby. My mother cares more/talks more/buys more for her three pedigreed cats than her grandkids. My father, thank God, although divorced from my mother and loony half the time from his undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia, is always asking about the boys and their interests. ..but again, we can’t trust him to help out actively in their welfare. i so envy all these families where the grandparents enjoy their grandkids.
August 21, 2009 at 2:16 am
We can not choose our families. Some of the deepest pain and rejection comes from them. The only thing we can do is choose how we are going to be as parents and what we want to impart to our children. I know that a long the way you will be able to find support from some woman who has been there and done that….She will give you the support and encouragement that you need. It sounds like your mom survived being married to a mentally ill individual by hitting the bottle….not that unusual. When some one has mental issues it completely drains their partners…sucks the life right out of them. I do not know that your mom has anything else left to give.
June 4, 2012 at 1:42 am
Do you have anything else to give to your Mom ? Sounds like she way have a need. I know as a Mom you are busy busy….but sometimes grandmoms have needs too.
June 4, 2012 at 1:50 am
I think the problem is that parents think that if the grandparents don’t want to be involved in childcare, it is lack of interest. Grandparents seem to be judged on what they “give” and their time is precious to them too!
My daughter just found out she is pregnant. I have always told them if they wanted children, have them for themselves as I nurture children every day in my job and do not suffer from that late life need to nurture again as a grandparent to feel “complete”. I am happy for her and while I know this isn’t a timed pregnancy they will be fine.
How involved do I want to be? Luckily I am out of state so I don’t have to feel like I am a terrible person if I have my own life to live and not be there for constant interaction. Plus his mom will be a great conventional grandmother so they will have that in their life. I am great with kids, love them and I am sure will treasure this child. But I don’t want to build my life around bein a grandparent. I am now 60, this is my first grandchild and this is a time I want to use my spare time to travel with my husband, not babysit. Children need lots of visits to form that bond and I don’t want to spend what little money we have to do those trips. I’d rather spend it on us and doing the things we always planned.
I don’t know why we have to feel like there is something wrong if we don’t want to be intricately involved. When I am there, I will be there in whole heart and spirit but it won’t be enough time to build the bond that kids need to feel close. I understand from reading these posts that grown kids are upset that parents ignore their kids. But I also wonder, being someone who works with kids, how many times it happens because the children are whiney, disrespectful, give me breakdowns, in other words, the children lack some real discipline and grandparents just rather not be around them rather than voice their opinion and get yelled at.
I will be an ok grandmother because I have love to give but I have no desire to be super grandmother. And I’m fine with that. the article is just saying this generation has a chance to travel and do things in retirement their parents never had so the role playing is different. We gave a lot to our kids and now want to enjoy our senior years too. I don’t see the problem….
October 8, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I AGREE!! ITS NICE TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN OUT THERE WHO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO.
June 21, 2010 at 3:04 pm
I agree with a lot of what you say. I think a lot of kids today lack respect and the grandparents, in some instances, don’t want to have to put up with them because they don’t have to do that anymore. I’m 61 and planning on retiring at the end of the summer. I am looking forward to doing some traveling, which I have not done in decades because of my husband. God willing I will have the time to travel with or without him. My 28-year-old son is not married, and I really wouldn’t blame him if he never married and had children. It is so stressful!! I’m certainly not going to be disappointed if I never have any grandchildren. All I hear from my friends are how wonderful grandchildren are. Well you know what, my son is pretty wonderful too. I also agree about the 30s and 40s generation being guilted (in some instances) into babysitting their grandchildren constantly. That generation just did not say how they really felt a lot of times. My parents kept my son some, but I never took advantage of them. It was a fun experience for everybody and that’s what grandparenthood should be all about if that’s what you want.
April 3, 2013 at 4:07 pm
I am so jealous of my friends who live near relatives and have ‘built-in’, loving sitters in the form of grandparents. Because of my husband’s job, I have never been blessed to live near family and to don’t feel comfortable hiring a teenager as babysitter for a whole day outing or weekend overnight trip with my husband…I think that is too much responsibility for a teen. I say built-in not from the standpoint of full time care while I work, but from the ability to plan a break from the tiring and sometimes mind-numbing job of being a stay at home mom with no local support system. I would give anything to take a vacation with my husband sans kids or even be able to go on a whole day outing or overnight jaunt to do something adult rather than child oriented. I am expected to travel “home” for holidays with the kids and am always on tap to “entertain” the parents when they come to visit, but the reciprocation of one night out to a movie when they are visiting really doesn’t go very far toward giving me a “break”. I wonder what the parents will expect from me when they get to the point where they want to move closer to me because THEY need care or companionship…probably a lot more than they have been willing to do for me. It really is a two way street.
November 16, 2009 at 2:27 pm
You need to look at things differently. I am sure that when you met your beloved you did not ask your parents to be in the know. Likewise
when you had your family you did not ask how many, how far apart ect… You and your partner chose your future and went for it. So how did it become their issue ? So stop looking negatively at your situation, be grateful for all who are a part of your life and rejoice in your children. your children are no one else’s responsibility except your own. And if ever your parents need you in old age you had better be there for them because they were for you….and your children had better be there for you !
June 4, 2012 at 1:27 am
OMG! Thanks for this article. My son’s grandmother is glam-ma. She shows no interest in my son and doesnt even call him on his birthday. This has hurt me very much throughout my son’s life especially because we never ask nothing from her and all I ever wanted was for her to be involved in his life as a grandmother….Its sad this is her ONLY grandchild and she rarely sees him but lives and works in the same town. She claims she loves him so much but i think she is a fake. Heartless is all i can say!!!!
November 25, 2009 at 2:09 pm
DID you ask YOUR MOM BEFORE you got pregnant IF SHE EVEN WANTED a grand child! DID YOU EVEN bother TO CONSULT HER before YOU GOT PREGNANT ABOUT HER LIFE/HER PLANS/HER TIME! THAT SOUNDS VERY, VERY unlikely!
QUIT COMPLAINING!
September 8, 2013 at 6:37 pm
Charlie you are a nasty and vindictive person
I hope you never had kids because who in their right mind would want a witch like you?
People don’t have to ask permission. By having a child you are opening the possibility of having a grandchild. You could then say did the child ask to be born?
You evil, nasty person. I feel for your niece.
February 5, 2016 at 7:01 am
My mom lives 2 time zones away and we figured regular weekly webcam meetings would help our daughter get to know her Glam-ma. But now our church schedules have changed on Sundays and a webcam meeting would require her to wake up at 6:30am on Sunday morning as opposed to 7am. Her church doesn’t start until 9am and it only takes 15 minutes to drive there. She says that getting ready the night before is too difficult and getting up 30 minutes early is out of the question. I work fulltime and go to school partime so it’s the only time I can fit her in. She doesn’t work and compares me to my sister who stays at home with her kids and calls her during the day all the time. I’ve been completely independent and on my own since I was 18 and have never ask her for anything. I’m not asking for a grandma babysitter, just a 30 minute webcam once a week. She loves to make this my fault but I feel like she has a more flexible schedule, why doesn’t she care enough to do something so cheap and simple? I can only control my own actions so I’m vowing to be the obsolute opposite grandma when get old. I’ll visit so often they’ll begin to think my grandchildren are my own!!
January 31, 2010 at 11:00 am
It sounds as though grandma needs to fit your schedule. “….it’s the only time I can fit her in….” And when she doesn’t – she’s the inflexible one?
Kettle, I hear the pot calling!
Are you saying out of a given week, you only have 30 minutes at 6:30am on Sunday morning for Grandma talk-time? Really???
How important is this conversation to you – or is it more obligatory on your part?
If it’s important to you find a time that works for Grandma. If it’s not important enough to do that, quite your……..
April 5, 2011 at 9:43 am
I have a mom who always says she wants to get together, yet whenever I try and secure an actual date, she never gets back to me. It might be 2 months before I hear from her again, by then it has blown over and she thinks I’ve forgotten so she goes through the ‘let’s get together’ thing again then never follows through. She never sees my kids (except once a year for christmas maybe), she literally has only been to 2 of 8 birthday parties. Yet, every time she sees us she pours on the sweetness; “Oh honey, let me see you, I’ve missed you soooo much”, etc. etc. etc. It has gotten to the point that I am disgusted when I see her. If she missed us she would see us more. She didn’t show up to my daughters birthday party, in fact she didn’t even rsvp! My daughter doesn’t even know who she is and that is not an exaggeration. When she sees her she has to tell her that she is ‘grandma’. She is basically of the mindset that ‘she has done her time’ and though she is very nice when she sees us I feel as though it is all show. I am a sahm, I am not wanting someone to raise my kids for us but I don’t trust many people to watch my kids, and since my mom is basically out of the equation we rarely go out. Maybe once or twice a year. It is really hard to never have any time with my husband apart from the kids. I have tried talking to her (not about this but other things) in the past and she is the type that tries to turn everything around and blame the other person. She doesn’t fight fair. She accepts no responsibility. She has another grandchild that she sees once or twice a year also. I am just so disgusted by her behavior. I’m not expecting a grandparent to raise my kids but honestly once a month would help me out so much. I just don’t understand why a grandparent could care less about their own grandchildren. I’m glad I found this site so I could at least vent a little.
February 27, 2010 at 6:41 pm
When YOU decided to have children, YOU CHANGED YOUR LIFE. PERIOD.
YOUR PARENT(S) ARE UNDER NO legal OBLIGATIONS TO BABYSIT YOUR CHIDREN, despite YOUR WHINING!
GET OVER IT! GO, TAKE CARE OF your own CHIDREN! QUIT BLAMING EVERYINE ELSE FOR your problems!
September 8, 2013 at 6:54 pm
Shut up and drop dead Charlie. You’re a vindictive little cow.
February 5, 2016 at 7:03 am
I have to say something here. Just because a grandparent wants to have there own life don’t mean there selfish. Your being pretty selfish to think that just because you have kids that everyone else should take part in raising them. Grandparents are not built in babysitters. You chose to have children it is your job to take care of them. It doesn’t take the village to raise the children it takes two good devoted parents and sometimes even just one. If you can’t afford to raise them and spend time with them then maybe you shouldn’t have them. Its a big responsibility. I have 3 boys all older now no grandchildren yet. I saw my mother who raised 7 kids taking care of my sisters kids when they worked for nothing and I don’t care that is not right. A grandparent should be in a childs life yes and spend quality time with them but on there terms not yours.
June 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Exactly!!! I firmly believe that tey do want to spend quality time with the child they just dont wanna raise the kid child more than the mother herself. !!! And Grandmas do Need their “ME” time! Give her a brake!
June 21, 2010 at 5:27 pm
The problem with that obviously when you said..”If you can’t afford to take care of the child…do not have them”….how about teenagers or young mothers who WANT to terminate their pregnancies–yet their MOTHERS “won’t sign” for them to do so?
How about mom’s who brainwash you into “being so happy to have my first grandchild”!! then never want to see them?
That is what most of us are talking about here.
July 24, 2010 at 2:08 pm
MARY, I COULD HAVE not HAVE SAID IT BETTER’
HOW MANY CHILDREN ARE BEING BORN WHO ARE not WANTED BY THEIR SO-CALLED PARENTS TO BEGIN WITH……………….
WHY ARE THOSE WHO HAVE not have had ILLEGITIMATE BASTARDS LEGALLY REQUIRED TO SUPPORT SAID BASTARDS!
WHY DO SO-CALLED WELFARE QUEENS HAVE A RIGHT TO DICTATE TO TAXPAYERS THAT they HAVE A RIGHT TO DEMAND THAT TAXPAYERS legally MUST support THEIR ILLEGITIMATE THEIR CHILDREN!
FORCE THE BABY’DADY’ TO PROVIDE CHILD SUPPORT! ENOUGH SAID!
September 8, 2013 at 7:23 pm
Charlie I genuinely hope you get cancer and no one bothers to support you. You’ve commented on lots here insulting parents and children. I wasn’t married. You calling my daughter a bastard?
You’re a sack of shit and I hope you die painfully and slowly.
February 5, 2016 at 7:06 am
Lol
February 22, 2017 at 11:19 pm
Exactly!
September 18, 2017 at 4:17 am
I agree with you 100%.
June 21, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Charlie you are insane and most likely a nightmare of a mother.
October 3, 2015 at 6:43 pm
My mother had a demanding job while my kids were little but she was still a fantastic grandmother. I had occasion to look through pictures a few weeks ago and there were so many of my mother playing with them, taking them somewhere wonderful, helping with a birthday party, or doing something else loving with and for my children. My older daughter took her first steps to her “Gram.”
We had a meeting point for years at the 40-mile midway point between our houses where I would drop the girls off and they would go have a fabulous weekend with her. They adored her, and even defended her very terrible cooking to me. She would still love to have her grown-up granddaughters sleep over.
I may (and do) have some complaints about my own upbringing but there is nothing bad I can say about how my mother has done her time as a grandma. Whatever floats your boat, of course, but I think the uninterested grandparents are missing a lot of fun and love.
June 22, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Why in the world does a Grandmother need to participate. I intend to buy gifts and see the kid once or twice a year.
July 4, 2010 at 3:26 am
I hope that my own mother does turn out to be a “Glam-ma” when I do have kids. I love my mom dearly, but she has an eating disorder that she will not address and that she passed on to my sister, and to a smaller extent, me. My sister is now in and out of care because she has a hard time allowing herself to eat enough food. I worry that my mother’s constant nagging at meals about how much everyone is eating will do the same thing to my own kids when I have them. Maybe if my mom finally takes enough time to herself she can learn to get relax and get better in her own way, too.
July 4, 2010 at 11:26 pm
You are a loving daughter.
September 18, 2017 at 4:18 am
I too am jealous of friends who have all their parents spend time with their grandchildren.
No one is saying grandparents don’t deserve “me time”…but if they had the luxury of their parents spending time with their children so they can have “adult time”, then that needs to be also brought up.
especially if your parents BEG you to have a grandchild….that is what seems to be happening in some cases. MY parents did that, yet are too lazy and unwilling to do so after the fact.
Really sad…family these days has “no value” like they did back in the days. And then people wonder why you have only one child and refuse to have more? Hmmm..well, we arn’t stupid enough to bring anymore kids in this world around more family members who teach them that family values are nothing these days. Don’t get me wrong…you should only HAVE a child because YOU want to, and are READY to–regardless of grandparents. But what the heck are we supposed to think when OUR parents gave us to “grandma/grandma” ALL the time when WE were young?
Bottom line–if your son/daughter is pregnant–PLEASE do “tell them honestly” BEFOREHAND that you plan on “taking the grandkids only once in a blue moon” before feeding them bs and making it sound like family really cares.
Because who hurts later on…is the GRANDKIDS.
MY mom has a way with making comments about taking her somewhere, or letting her spend the night–INFRONT of her mind you..only to then shoo her away and tell her “not this weekend” almost EVERY weekend!! Enough is enough!
On the otherhand, my mom is obese, depressed, and likes to see anyone else struggle probably because she is jealous that my life is filled with business and friends, and she uses this as a backfire. She even made some silly rude comment about a young co-worker who is in her 20′s who just had a baby–and she laughed saying..”ohh well HER parents are going to babysit anytime for her so she can go to work.”..also laughed when her other co-worker was having a “girl”..she said..”good, then she will know how hard it is, won’t she?” She is said it like she couldn’t wait to see her “struggle with a daughter”….makes me sad..she thrives on other people’s struggles, or hopes they will. I don’t understand her tho..SHE and my dad BOTH had HELP with their parents ALL THE TIME…
July 24, 2010 at 2:04 pm
You, dear Meme, should think about going into therapy. Just because your grandparents enjoyed weekends with you and your sibling does not mean that your parents owe you or your children the same experience. Perhaps your grandparents were “kid” people, and your parents are not. That’s just the way it is, and the sooner you work through it and get over it, the happier you and your kids will be. I hope you are not this whiny about this in front of your kids, they will turn into adults who are equally as whiny and self-absorbed.
February 25, 2016 at 5:19 pm
I am new at being a grandmother and totally love it! That being said, I also work full time, and live about an hour away from my grandchild. For the first year of my grandchild’s life, I took him home with me to spend one or two nights every weekend, so his mom could get a little sleep. For the second year I have had him every other weekend. I adore him and I know he loves me. I absolutely know that my child appreciates me and loves all the time I spend with my grandchild. Now my question to all mothers of small children: What would be the ideal amount of time and at what intervals for the grands to take the children? I can see because of work that I am not going to be able to do the amount of time I’ve been doing. I have no grandparents in my past to model my behavior on, and my child had no grands in his life either. So what is, if you could have just what you wanted, the perfect grandparent-grandchild “schedule”? I will still be living an hour away, just working more. Thank you for any input!
April 1, 2011 at 6:36 am
I think there are many dynamics involved in the incidence of grandparents not wanting involvement with their grandchildren. We must consider at least some of them before we judge ANY individual situation. Research shows that there is a lower prevalance of depression in women who have had babies and recieved significant support from the mother/grandmother of child. Something in fact that my mother told me before the birth of my beautiful son.
From a subjective perspective, my mother was the first person to find out about my pregnancy. She started to tell people about it which put the pressure on for me to continue with natures’ plan, knowing full well if I continued I would be a single mother. I was promised support but my parents divorced and long story short, it didn’t come into fruition. My son is two this week and he barely knows who is grandma is (she dosn’t want to be called grandma, she has yet to think of a name). Up until I had my son we had a fairly good relationship.
I asked her to help out when I was ill the other week and she said no. She relishes saying no in fact, and after she says no she says, now you know what I had to put up with. She laughs and says hard work isn’t it. Loaded remarks like that are passively abusive and completely unwarrented. My mother had help from my nan when myself and my brother were small. My mother also regularly asks to look after my brothers step daughter, overnight. She has had my son once overnight in his two years. I have no respite. I perceive this as a dysfunctional rejection from my mother. She has empty nest synrome or something.
Objectively I think that she (my mother) is part of the ME generation. There I said it. She has botox and denies her age. She has deep age related insecurities and is becoming almost personality disordered in her grandma aversion. And those granparents on here who have vocalised similarly about the new parents who are in some cases struggling and asking for help from their parents, I can only interpret this as classic projection. Young parents are not selfish when they ask significant and trusted others (ie their parents) to help take care of the most precious thing in the world to them. They are simply asking for help. for experience, for guidance and understanding. This is basic human nature and it’s how we evolve! Please lets not lack in compassion and deny this empathic fact!
Lets not forget that we are all part of the ME generation, it’s what the media pushes. It would be ageist and inconsiderate to presume that todays grandparents are immune from it too. Ha :)
June 20, 2011 at 9:22 pm
When you have a child you have the responsibility of taking care of that precious little one yourself as their parent. You make a choice. Your life changes. Asking for advice is great and smart as people who have already done this know the scoop. However, it is your responsibility to raise your child no matter how you have to do it. Many people have struggled..immigrants who came to the country whose family were many miles away. Some people worked three and four jobs.
I don’t know your mother…maybe she is denying her age. I do know that after raising a family she has won the right to do what she wants to do and should be respected for it. Sorry to be so strong in my comments. i do have strong feelings about this particularly because I raised a child on my own, did a darn good job and never asked for any help from anyone except for my parents to babysit maybe once a month or something if that. They could be grandparents though as they chose. I usually stayed home and had a good time.
January 29, 2013 at 7:35 pm
recently it was my sons 18th birthday and i invited my mom and dad over for the ocassion they didnt come or even call they could care less they have always not cared about him or pretty much none of the grandkids it hurts us all . Im so tired of forgiving there mean ways , they are in there seventys so I feel guilty but havent spoke to them in 2 weeks, am I wrong?
July 26, 2011 at 11:53 am
I ask my mother inlaw a month ago if my daugther could spend a week with them this summer. I have yet to hear from her. She stop calling my house and only talks to my husband when he calls from his cellphone. She has never spunt alone time with her yet his parents have been to our home several time a times year and most hoildays. Im not sure what I should do or say to my Inlaws about this. Not getting a reply from them as of yet is telling me she (mother inlaw) has an issuse with my 9 year old daughter spenting alone time with them. My little girl adores them. I just don’t understand what the problem my be….
May 6, 2012 at 11:18 am
I can kinda see both sides her… when I was little I would constantly go round my nans, stay the night, even go away for weekends with them, my brothers would come too occasionally but they weren’t as interested as me to be learning to cook with my nan or having trips down the river with them, they live in the same town as us and we are still reallly close, my dads mum and dad however, we didnt see them very often, although we still loved to go over there, they would never come to our house and once we turned 11 upwards we never saw them much atall, most recently my nan didnt come to my 21st birthday party becaus ei didnt invite my aunt (who i have only ever seen once a year and never speaks to us however much we try) so that made me feel loved by her. I know my mum and dad will spend loads of time with my children, not coz i want to get rid of them for a few ours but because they have longed to be grandparents and enjoy every minute of watching them grow up just as much as me. I just hope my in laws will be like them rather than my dads parents =/
May 11, 2012 at 7:53 am
I was reading some back years posts about young parents who seem to believe their parents should want to babysit. I do not know if I fit in the ‘me’ generation at 61 as I never pay attention to those labels. But I will say this: I have never seen a generation of parents who spoil their kids rotten & then expect their parents to even want to be around their kids. What a sad joke – more sad for the kids as they will also grow up thinking the sun rises & sets on them alone. My parents did not provide cars, phones, insurance, credit cards, to us -we got an after school or weekend job to pay our expenses. We learned responsibility in our teens. Because of that, most of us did not expect our parents to want to babysit – the key work being ‘expect’. And more power to those grandparents who don’t wish to spend the rest of their active days taking care of their kids’ kids!
May 14, 2012 at 9:42 am
I am now 72 years old. I have three grown children. When i was a child parents didn’t go to every game to watch their kids play sports . Grandparents might have ben around but not especially involved with the grandkids.
Fathers went out to work and mothers did everything else and had no choice in the matter. There wasn’t much money to go around. Large families , and I mean large, were not that unusual. Public schools didn’t have special events and parents only went there if there was a problem. Children were children and parents did not regulate every minute of their day.
When my children came along things were a little different. I took them to their sports games, music lessons etc. but usually did errands and picked them up after the game. I was always driving kids to something. My husband was constantly away either when he was in Vietnam or later, for business . I was also a teacher so I was with kids day and night. We didn’t have any family nearby but both my mother and mil made it quite clear when we visited them that they didn’t do babysitting unless it was an emergency. Once in a while they would – but all children had to be in bed and asleep before we could go out. We used baby sitters when I was working, and it took a good chunk of my salary,or if we wanted to go out.
Now I have grandchildren. I don’t want to go to every game and was shocked to find out that I was also supposed to go watch them practice.
Why would somebody do that?
I don’t want to take care of children anymore. I guess you could just say I’m done with all of it. When did the word “grandmother” start to mean saint ? And why don’t parents just bite the bullet, pay for a sitter and quit whining. Most of them are expecting way too much from grandmothers. We are not all the same.
May 26, 2012 at 5:30 pm
I’m with you. My mom and dad allowed us to join teams and other organizations and that was it as far as their participation. We had to find a way to get there. A visit to Grandma’s house was so Mom and Dad could do her shopping, mow the lawn, and fix what needed fixing. When I had kids we visited Grandma and Grandpa three days a week so I could help them out. The kids got to visit with the old folks while I mowed the lawn, or washed the windows, and did the grocery shopping or whatever for them. Only once did my daughter stay overnight, that was when I was having giving birth to my son. Now this generation expects me to lay out the red carpet for the Grandchildren so their parents can have a life away from the kids? I think not. No wonder there is little respect to be found anymore.
June 4, 2012 at 1:10 am
you are a gem, and put into words what I have been feeling for the last 4 years
December 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm
As it was so well said, I gave up a lot raising my children. It never entered my head that it was anyone’s responsibility except mine own to raise and educate my children to become productive and caring citizens of this World. My choices were mine own. I did not have children for my parents and did not entertain the thought of dumping them on them. I did instill the understanding of how they must behave in other peoples homes. However I am dismayed as a grandparent to see the amount of young parents who wish to saddle their parents with their responsibilities. Further more what is amazing is the demands put on the grandparents on what they should do when caring for their grands….do not discipline my brats, do not hold them accountable for anything, keep your moral values to yourself do not impart such on innocent ears. Ok, then raise them however you wish. It does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a loving parent to teach their children how to live in a village!
June 4, 2012 at 12:56 am
Bravo, well said, to all.
March 19, 2013 at 4:58 pm
What Nut Meg said. Amen, Rebecca.
August 30, 2015 at 7:52 am
I am the step-grandma to 2 little boys. I haven’t never volunteered to babysit or do I make special trips to see these kids and they live within 10 minutes of me. My step-daughter has gotten mad at me for not having much to do with her boy and has asked me why. My step-son has gotten mad at me because I will not be a permanent baby sitter for them while they work. I don’t want to be a Grandmother to these 2 kids. I don’t really even like kids (there I said it) they are to needy and I would rather do what I want. I know that I will probably wind up old and alone. But now….I have a new problem…..My son who is 20 has gotten his girlfriend pregnant and he has already started in telling me that I won’t have much to do with his kid because he has seen how I do the step-grandkids. I am afraid of getting close to his baby, who’s to say that his girlfriend might decide she wants to take this baby and move to another state when she is tired of my son. Maybe that is the reason grandparents aren’t getting to attached with the way people get divorced or change partners and the drop of a hat, their afraid of being hurt and wanting to see these babies and can’t.
June 30, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Hi Susie, I feel that way too. I don’t want get close to any of my grandchildren, and I told my 19 year old not to be expecting me to babysit all the time when and if he has a baby. I wrote a little something about my situation a few posts below yours. I see so many grandmas embracing the responsibilities, and I’ve often wondered if there is something wrong with me as to why I don’t have that grand-paternal instinct. I just don’t feel I want to be around the little ones. I just want to enjoy life in peace and quiet and I feel I’ve earned that, even if it means I might die alone someday. Of course I want to know the children to know me, and I’ll keep trying to do what I can for them. I’m glad I found this forum, I don’t feel so alone in this now. Thank you and good luck to you and yours.
December 19, 2012 at 1:09 am
I have decided that I no longer can find any love at all for my SD. She is no longer allowed at my house. She is not going to talk to me like I’m a dog and get away with it. Her Dad has not said a word about me banning her from our home. I guess he knows she crazy, cause if he had told my kids that I would leave him. I will not and refuse to have anything to do with her kid. If the DH ever brings him down, I will hide out in another room to purposely avoid him. Cause all she’s gonna do when she gets him back home is question him about my every move and word. No love lost on either one of them.
June 19, 2013 at 10:17 am
I have found myself in this same, very sad predicament with my parents. I believe a parent’s involvement with their grandchildren inversley correlates to their parents’ involvement with us. For example, all of my childhood memories are of times spent at my grandparent’s home which, clearly, was often. Although I would never expect that of my parents, I see their involvement as entirely conditional. Prior to asking my mother to watch my only child, I get a stomach and become overwhelmed with apprehension at her inconsistent and often annoyed response. Grandparents can’t see the forest through the trees and they should as oneday, they will be entirely dependant upon us. I often feel as if to say, “Look. One day, YOU’RE going to need YOU’RE diaper changed!”
September 13, 2012 at 11:27 am
To the above: Guilt is NOT a motivator. Period. Life is a day at a time….grandparents are not built in babysitters…DESPITE what irresponsible children have to say….. Grandparents have a (lets face it!) LEGAL/CONSTITUTIONAL/FIRST AMENDMENT right to live the way THEY want to….DUH!
April 24, 2014 at 7:08 pm
CHARLIE – It’s not guilt – it’s reality. If you are conditional with your love, you can’t expect someone else to be unconditional. Who wants to sit with someone who smells of old age and death and can barely care for themselves. Unless, maybe your children love you because you’ve loved them so much.
My 88 year old grandmother sometimes thinks she is 7, 14, 25 or 3. She couldn’t put her shirt on one time and proceeded to walk into a fully occupied living room topless. Her daughter sits her down and make sure she is well fed, healthy, medicated and makes her doctors appointment. It is a payless thankless job. But guess what, when my grandmother was younger and able, she watched her grandkids without much of a complaint. And maybe you can afford your long retirement and assisted living care when you are old. You’d still be that wretched old person that has kids that never visit.
September 1, 2014 at 11:18 pm
My husband and I are grandparents but we’re still parenting two teenage boys. Also, my husband travels extensively out of town and my 80-year-old mother is having health problems. I adore my grandson and want to spend as much time as possible with him, but I’m torn in many different directions. Through the years many of my peers have worked, not to provide necessities, but luxuries, while their mothers have raised their children. Where is it written that Grandma has to step up for Round 2 of raising kids so that the child she’s already raised can own a boat, a home with a view, a swimming pool, etc. Grandma needs a break and parents need to step up and be… PARENTS!
December 2, 2012 at 10:57 am
I don’t get it. Well maybe I do, actually, but don’t want to.
We are a society of the temporary, the throw-away.
As a child of divorce myself, I know all too well the agony of estrangement from family members, and yet, as a “single again” dad and grandpa of a 2 yr old “army brat” living far away, I’d give my eye teeth to see her and my son/daughter-in-law more often.
And yet, her “granny” could give a rip. When I heard granny was NOT going to “do” Christmas, not even send the little girl something, I asked if it would be OK if I added her name to the gift I was planning for our grand daughter, just to include “granny”. She adamantly refused.
“I don’t DO” Christmas, and don’t want her or our son thinking the are going to get gifts from me. I hate holidays and will not allow it”.
THAT I don’t get? I mean what is that? Is the woman pathologically blind to her son and grand daughter’s feelings? I talk to my sons (three from as many marriages) weekly at least, and this time of year it kills me to have to choose which of them I’ll spend time with. Could I even imagine showing up empty handed or not at all? NO WAY! Somebody “splain” it to me???
December 17, 2012 at 8:47 am
I’m having a hard time trying to get myself into granny mode, I have children of my own, all my kids are 7 years apart. My oldest daughter has really burdened herself with these kids she keeps popping out with this drugged out guy that leaves her every time. Her firstborn was born is blind and has other mental problems, he’s so much to handle even on his own. I’ve tried to babysit him, but something always goes terribly wrong, like twice one of my kids left the stairwell door open and he tumbled down. He climbs on everything, constantly noisy, and wont stop smearing poop every chance he gets. Then she has a two year old that goes 100 miles an hour, she’s easier to watch than he is, but still.. omg. I can’t keep up. And then she just had another baby. I’ve only bothered to see him twice since he was born a month ago. I’ve really distanced myself. Of course her so called man has left and moved in with another woman, but dangit I told her not to this. I know she’s screaming for help, I know she is resenting me for ignoring her requests for money and a babysitter. Its all over her facebook statuses how much pain she is in, but I’m just so not wanting to do this. I did my time, I don’t want baby responsibilities, and I’m having enough troubles trying to pay my own bills. I hate to cut her off like this, but I resent her so much for not keeping her legs together, or getting fixed like I suggested umpteen times. The firstborn needs so much attention because of all his health and mental problems. On top of it all, she is being evicted after January, she’s never worked a day in her life. Wtf! I feel like I want to move to the other side of the world!
December 19, 2012 at 12:31 am
Help?! My husband and I married two years ago after being on and off for a very long time. Our marriage is great…we are really soul mates. He has two adult sons, who I love. I have never felt maternal or wanted to have a child. My husband’s oldest son now has a baby. I really am not a “baby person” and am not interested in the baby, although I show my love and support to the parents in diferent ways. I see it hurts my husband that I am not maternal. How can I feel maternal and embrace this child?
December 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Just a thought to throw out there. Should parents be relied on as continual babysitters for their grandchildren? No. That’s what babysitters are for. As a 27 year old mother of two (two and four) I only ask my parents as a last resort. I make it a priority to take my kids over to visit with me there, so that my parents can do the fun stuff with the kids, and be able to enjoy them in those visits without the less fun stuff having to be on their minds (changing poopy diapers, redirecting bad attitudes or breaking of rules etc). My Mom is a lawyer and still has a teen living at home, so she is still in Mommy mode herself. She is in a different place than my Nan (her Mom) was when my siblings and I were growing up. Having said that, I remember many many weekends and weeks spent with my grandparents. Sometimes just my sister and I, but sometimes all five of us kids. It is a memory that I cherish, now that they are gone. And I know they wanted to do it, that they begged my parents to let us stay with them if it had been too long. I think that’s what I feel sad about when I read the comments about Grandparents having raised their own kids and being done with all that. I hear you, I agree with you..but I am sad that your grandkids won’t have those cherished dreamy memories of time spent with you that will stay with them as such a positive impact long after you’re gone.
January 9, 2013 at 1:00 pm
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have 2 beautiful grandchildren, I know how the time flies, I don’t know how much time I have left in my life; Papa and I both want them to have fond memories of us both and we cherish the time we are blessed to have with them. It’s win/win and, like you, I feel very sad for those who are missing out on that blessing.
February 8, 2013 at 6:29 am
I know this is a pretty old discussion, but I have to add my two cents…To the grandmother who said…”you better be there for your parents when they are old, because they were there for you”. That’s a load of BS. Just as grandparents say to us now “it was your choice to have kids, blah, blah, blah, and it’s ME time…”, well it was your choice to have us. You took care of us until we were adults and then wanted nothing to do with us, and be sure that when my kids are adults I will never force them to see their grandparents, not even at the funerals if they don’t want to. Karma’s a B, and it will come back to bite all of you when you are sitting in your nursing home crying your eyes out because you are all alone. My mother sent me to my grandmother’s ALL the time, and it tears me up inside when my daughter comes home from school and asks what a grandparent is.
February 2, 2013 at 12:28 pm
Sara, Your just upset cause your parents want a life, and your kids are not their TOP priority. I don’t know how old you are but back in the day Grandma’s didn’t have to work, they had time to themselves unlike today’s busy Grandparents who are still having to work into their 60′s and 70′s. When they do get some time they want to do the things they are missing out on.
My own kids, are having a hard time because I’m not living up to the expectations of the Grandma image they had in their minds. I don’t want to either. I have a life, I raised them, I love them and I love their children, but those Grandbabies are not my Top priority. And if they choose not to come to my funeral, do you think I will even care, not really cause how would I know( haha). So if you don’t make your kids go to your “Mean Ole” parents funeral, I’m sure your parents are going to hate you for the rest of their lives. You Dumb Ass!
May 17, 2013 at 2:04 am
What a cop out! Take your child to a old folks home and there are plenty of Grandparents there who would love to see your child and you are doing something for them as well. They are lonely and “crying their eyes out” Maybe it’s not their fault. Every generation isn’t the same. We are a lot more active with a lot less money the Grandparents before us. We don’t have time to bake cookies and wipe butts all day while you lounge around or make extra money so you can still drink $9 cocktails when you go out. Why don’t you go with your child and spend time together? Nope, don’t want to do that because you really want to spend time away from your child and just using an excuse that your child needs a grandparent relationship. Get a grip on reality and put time in like we did as Mothers with you guys.
July 2, 2013 at 6:00 pm
I think the issue here is more about grandparents being taken advantage of by their grown children and expect them to babysit anytime they ask. It’s exhausting when you get older, especially if the grandparent still goes to work every day.
As far as the nursing home comment, I would visit my mother in a nursing home whether she babysat my children or not…and she very rarely ever did. I have to wonder if I would want to be visited in a nursing home by such a bitter person. Makes me very thankful for the children I have.
And Karma? For not doing what our children tell us to do? I respect myself too much to hop hoops at this age.
July 10, 2013 at 2:35 pm
This is a very interesting dialogue going on here. The truth is that grandparent and parent both need to respect one another. Maybe the root of the problem has to do with the relationship or lack of between both parent and grandparent. A lack of communication and respect on the part of either party can cause bitterness, resentment and anger that will only prove to make the situation worse. If you truly want to improve the relationship with the grandchildren, first the relationship between the adults needs to be healthy. I cannot tell you how to go about that.This is something that you must search out on your own. But I can tell you that I am blessed to have 2 beautiful grandchildren. I would do anything for my children or grandchildren. On the other hand, my children would do anything for me. Our relationships are far from perfect, but I can say that the time that we have taken to listen and try to understand each other has allowed us all to respect and enjoy each other. I have paid my dues, I have raised my children. It is not my duty or responsibility to raise or babysit my grandchildren. Rather it is an honor and a privilege to be alive and able to spend time and build relationships with my beautiful cherubs. I am thankful that we are taking the time to work things out. I know that I would feel differently had I allowed myself to be taken advantage of . On the other hand, my children would have felt differently had they not come to me with their concerns. The key is that we both need to be honest and open to listening and respecting one another. It’s like a two way street ; we all need to learn how to drive on our own side of the road, and give the same courtesy to our fellow drivers. That’s my two cents , I hope it helps.
February 8, 2013 at 6:22 am
I’m sorry, but my mom had the luxury of having her in-laws available for babysitting WHENEVER she wanted when I was a kid. She took advantage of that and never had to worry about getting a babysitter. I was closer to my grandma than my mom. Now if I need help when my son has a snow day or day off from school, she is unpredictable and I sense she really does not want to have him over. She has made comments all throughout my life about women working and how that has some correlation to them not caring about their kids. She also instilled in me a fear of the world and getting a “stranger” to watch the kids.
I think I will stop asking her for any help. She doesn’t show much interest except for plastering his picture all over Facebook and gifts on holidays. I don’t ever ask her to watch him just for fun or a night out because she really doesn’t seem to want to be bothered.
I don’t think those who have an active, involved parent (grandparent) understand how much it hurts to have this family dynamic.
February 26, 2013 at 3:17 am
Oh – and my mom would NEVER care for my son if he was sick. Ever. I know not to ask. I really think it mirrors how she really felt about me as a child. I sensed she didn’t want me and just went through the most basic of motions. This scars a child for life. I’m in my own therapy to work through this loss.
It is a loss because I didn’t have the emotional bond or support from my mom that is normal and natural. I need to figure out why I still hope for something that will never exist. Writing this out helped me see things I didn’t acknowledge to myself. My mom is incapable of what I needed then and now.
February 26, 2013 at 3:37 am
I love my mother and consider her to be one of my best friends. We have an open and honest relationship, and I feel blessed to have her in my life. My childhood was the stuff of fairy tales and I grew up feeling secure, loved and wanted.
Having said that, when I had my own children over a decade ago, my mother was very blunt with me; “Nut,” she said, “I have raised my children, and now you must raise yours. I will help you out when I can, as much as I can, but do not ask me to babysit unless it is an emergency.”
At the time, I was hurt and more than a little angry. Most of my friends were having children around that time as well, and were lucky enough to have the kind of parents who almost fought over spending time with the grandchildren. Geez, one of my friends would get whole weekends to herself just by claiming she wanted a to take a bath!
Sadly, though, one must remember that, as we should never compare children, we probably should never compare grandparents either. Much in life is not fair, and it is what it is.
My kids grew up loving their grandparents just the same – even though they were never babysat by them. They forged their own relationship with them and everyone is quite content.
And I survived the early years too. I say this because now, as the time has passed, I am able to think more clearly about the whole situation, and now realize that my desire to have my kids babysat by my parents was completely and totally for MY benefit – not my children’s. I truly believe that most here who are criticizing the grandparents have less than altruistic reasons for doing so.
I don’t think it’s emphasized enough just how hard raising children is. Sure it’s nice to have breaks, but you know what? It really shouldn’t be an expectation of anyone. PARENTS decided to have kids – it should be 100% on the PARENTS to either look after them or to provide care for them if they cannot.
When the time comes, I will love the heck out of my grandkids – but I will NOT babysit them.
Call me a future Glam-ma.
March 19, 2013 at 2:02 pm
My mother (62) lives with us, we have 2 kids 10 and 3 and we are getting close to making her move out. She works full time at night at a sit down job and after work she comes home and proceeds to sit all day on the computer addicted to social media. She neglects sleep and her health to the point she needs pills to sleep which she chases with wine and says she doesn’t remember doing it. We do ask her to babysit a couple times a month but that is a pai in her butt and she gives excuses that she is tired or she has the 10 year old supervise the toddler while she sits and watches tv or more computer. I took away her computer monitor and she freaked out like i stole a crackheads last rock. She then blames my wife and I like she is the victim but as she lives with us she doesnt cook, clean, anything. At this point my wife wants her to go and I understand but I also feel terrible about putting her out because she wont survive on her own. I worry that her pill and wine abuse will affect the kids. Wha to do? Help
March 28, 2013 at 4:05 am
You took away your Mother’s computer monitor? Is that because your Mother will not cook, clean, or babysit? I think you are right. Kick her out because she apparently isn’t pulling her weight, or doing her chores. You didn’t say if she was giving you money from her social security check or job she has. She takes sleeping pills and chases it with wine. Oh my! She must be a moocher. No no,don’t think twice about what or anything she gave you including time when you were younger. This appears to be elder abuse and it’s against the law!
July 2, 2013 at 5:47 pm
To Denise:
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July 1, 2013 at 6:38 am
I work 50 plus hours a week. At the end of the day, I’m tired and have absolutely NO DESIRE to babysit. I don’t mind a little on the weekends…for a couple of hours at most. I’m pretty sick of the whining of these grown children. Wait until you’re in your fifties and your kids are expecting you to babysit after you’ve been working all day long. Babysitting shouldn’t be a chore. That’s what creates the real distance….resentment. I wouldn’t even consider asking a parent to babysit after working a full time job unless it was an emergency.
July 2, 2013 at 5:52 pm
Amen to Fulltimer!
July 2, 2013 at 6:05 pm
Oh my goodness, thank you! I just finished reading this entire thread…and I’m relieved to know that I’m not alone in the way that I feel about my own Grandmotherly situation. I have spent almost my entire life in the role of devoted SAHM, by choice. Now, at 44 years and my last child having just graduated from high school a year ago (and well on his way towards building a great career for himself), I’ve been eagerly and happily working towards something for… me. I’ve been learning, studying…started a business, which even has a charitable focus! It’s been hard and I’m “not there” yet…but, it’s been so fulfilling. I’m excited for the future…for my husband and I too. Or, I was. We were both starting to make plans to do things…just with each other…for us. Back to what I was saying…We were very devoted parents…the kids always came first. Many sacrifices were made. Looking back, we both see…TOO many sacrifices were made. We spoiled our children too much. Oh yes! I’ve another child too, my eldest is 21 and due any day now. She was a tough one to raise. I’m surprised that I don’t have some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder…and heck, perhaps I do. She specializes in poor choices…leaves destruction in her wake. …and she’s home again now, along with her new husband. He’s a nice young man…made a few bad choices earlier on…but, he’s past that stage and working hard for a future for them. Or so they say. They’ve become comfortable in our home. Too comfortable. I just found out yesterday…they turned down a house a half hour away, because it was too far from us. My daughter doesn’t want to be that far from her family. This was touching and heartwarming on the one hand…but, on the other….it’s just another sign that she doesn’t want to completely grow up and take responsibility for her life. Him either. *buzzer* WRONG! A very serious conversation took place last night at my instigation…other discoveries were made/ things revealed…boundaries were set, and lines were laid down by me…with my children and my husband. I am done being everyone’s caretaker. I’ve been astonished to discover that in spite of all of the moves I’ve made at being an independent, working and thriving adult…I’m still expected to do it all and help my daughter raise our Granddaughter too. My family, had all silently decided (without my knowing) that I would just sacrifice my second half of life…for all of them. Continue on as I always have…putting myself last. It’s my job, after all. Be everyone’s one-woman support team. Superwoman. *snicker/ snort* Um, No. So, the poo has hit the fan in our home. My child-raising years….are done. I’m here for advice if they want it, I’m here to love my grandchild by my standards and rules and to the depth and length I feel comfortable with. Selfish? I don’t care. If you get pregnant…it’s your child, your job. It’s tough, deal with it. Figure it out. We did. Signed, a soon-to-be Glam-ma.
July 10, 2013 at 1:46 am
Stick to your guns, Tessa. You will probably have to fend off a few well intentioned guilt trips. You are doing the right thing. I don’t know about you, but at this age, I don’t want to start over raising kids again. I love them, but I’m their grandmother, not their nanny.
July 10, 2013 at 2:15 pm
U are disgusting. I feel so sorry for that baby.
May 23, 2015 at 11:16 pm
You are so right! I adored my children. Devoted every moment to their care and upbringing. I should not be expected to take care of their children too! How utterly selfish on their part! Instead of calling use the derisive glamma– how about these mom’s who want to have fun and not make sacrifices raising their own!
I did my part — 35 years! My youngest is still in college!
You should love your parents and respect them . How about thinking of them, instead of yourself.
It is their turn to relax and enjoy the few good years they may have left. How utterly selfish parents are today!
I’m shocked! And to say you wouldn’t care for the person who gave birth to you and raised you because they say no to you. What spoiled little brats you are! You owe your parents not the other way around!
September 18, 2017 at 4:36 am
Wow that was strange. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
Anyway, just wanted to say great blog!
July 14, 2013 at 7:24 pm
Firstly, to the mums who say they ‘want their own lives now’. When you sign up to having kids they don’t stop being your kids when they turn 21, they are your tribe essentially, they are with you for life. If you don’t want this, don’t sign up! If you don’t want to help with grandkids, don’t have kids! It’s your genetic legacy. Also, children who make poor choices are often lacking in self esteem and confidence; somebody said their daughter was always a ‘difficult child’ well perhaps your opinions showed in your handling of her hence she feels less secure in a positive image of herself as an adult and makes poorer choices (by your standards). Setting boundaries I understand, wanting to pursue your own interests and not be on permanent call I understand, the only thing that got me was the fact some people are angry that their kids would expect them to help out, and 21 is still so young! They DO still need you at 21, they DO need your guidance with their own parenting, and your confirmation of their own parenting skills and the wonderfulness of their own children will increase their bond and make them better parents too, and it’s all part of bringing a new child into a larger family (and develops in them a social conscience). One poster seems to harbour a lot of resentment towards one particular daughter, her writing is fraught with it, but one day this daughter make take her independence and just walk away and not ever look back, because the feeling is probably mutual…it’s got to be a balance surely?
Absolutely, glam ma’s should have the right to pursue something for themselves, but I think maybe if they feel like that to the exclusion of their family rather than in addition to it then they probably never should have had one and focused on a career earlier in life (it’s not their family’s fault they didn’t! Make the best of what you do have, unless the kids are in and out of prison and the husband is an alcoholic!). Family is for life, not just for christmas celebrations.
My mum is a self confessed glam ma – in other words, a useless grandma who probably doesn’t deserve the title. My daughter is actually scared of her because she sees so little of her and when she does grandma never does anything fun with her and generally treats her like she belongs to somebody else’s family. Mum’s excuse is ‘i’ve done all that’ (not very well actually, she was an extremely controlling and selfish parent obsessed by being the perfect mum only when people were looking, although to be fair to her she has always been ferociously protective of her off spring if they are endangered in any way, a bit like a crocodile I suppose…) My mum says she is ‘too young’ to be a grandma. I think she is too selfish and part of a wider narcissism sweeping society since the early 80s because it’s now cool to be a jerk, cool to ‘make something of yourself’ and ‘please yourself’ (honestly, in your real old age it’s your family who will matter most, who will remember the ‘real you’, and everything else will turn to dust along with your bones), and very uncool to care, after all your grandkids don’t reflect on you like your children do, you can’t brand them with your stamp of ‘me’ like you can your own children, which is not very interesting to this growing breed of mothers who seem to see their children as extensions of themselves. Women are expected to hit their 30s, marry and have children to ‘fit in’ with their friends rather than having kids as something to genuinely enjoy for the sake of the cuddles, fun and companionship alone. Women have kids to win a life at home and then feel dissatisfied with their lives. Maybe women should be true to themselves when they are young instead of living up to societies expectations at each so called stage of their lives and then wondering why their is a trail of resentful offspring and spouses (women over 50 are also divorcing husbands in record numbers too, to ‘find themselves again’, it’s such a shame they lost them in the first place). Everyone seems to want to be the devil wearing prada, and nobody wants to get old and be a ‘grandma’. It’s the new style of keeping up with the Jones’, some women have started resenting their old way of life now that it isn’t fashionable anymore.
I think it is generational, (and also personality based too in some cases, because if you had little maternal instinct to begin with then there won’t be much left for the grandkids). It has nothing to do with being a career woman but how you wish to be seen and remembered (you can have a career and still see yourself as a granny) nor does it relate to having ‘done your time’ because most of the best grandmas I know stayed at home without resenting their children, and if childcare for some mums is like ‘doing time’ then I hope they do leave the kids with the nanny rather than living off their partners income while making their kids suffer.
I LOVE being a mum more than any other ultimately pointless job or degree I’ve done and I can’t wait to be a grandma one day!!I wasn’t even a maternal girl growing up, a complete tomboy, and I still wanted my career and my own life but not having that life filled with different generations of my family to cuddle and entertain would make me very sad. I will always be available to babysit (unless I think my children are neglecting their own kids when they should be enjoying them).
My own grandma practically raised me in lieu of my mum, and she is still around now (thankfully) being the perfect grandma my mum is not. She stayed home to raise all her kids and she adores children, there is no resentment, no need to have her ‘me time’ and she is in her 80s! (and also rather glamorous).
My mother in law is also fantastic and reliable (again, stayed home to raise the kids), although this may change if my husband’s sisters have children.
I think perhaps some women (through some anxiety about social stereotypes and social status??) almost feel ashamed of being ‘grandmas’, maybe they are ashamed of the image of their own grandmas and don’t want to be ‘that kind of woman’. They want to be free, or appeal to the obsession of youth and increasing self interest in society. Perhaps many women are simply showing their true natures now they have a choice and can be as in the background as a lot of grandads traditionally were, in which case the human race really innately quite self centred. Who else do we have if not our families? Personally I think glam mas are doing society a disservice and their genetic and personal legacy one too. If I had only had my mum and not my grandma I might have been scared to have my own kids because of the lack of support, and it is well known that good family support provides better outcomes for kids wellbeing and the stability of our children’s marriages etc.
I guess you can’t change your genes, and you can’t change how easily you absorb the messages from society around you, but I just think it is a shame there are so many glam mas who don’t realise
you can still be glam and take the kids to the park, you can still be a gran and ‘have it all’ just as you can be a mum and have a job, study, etc, surely? I don’t like societies image makeover or the fact so many women see themselves in such a way. Just my opinion.
July 30, 2013 at 8:41 pm
Best response!! Some of the woman on here are pretending that in order to be a grandmother you must be a door mat! So many people should never of had kids in the first place. My children and husband are my world and always will be. We are both looking forwards to being Grandparents one day. To have a close bond with our grandchildren and adult children. To know that we can still make a difference in our kids lives. Their happiness will always be my happiness! Of course I will still have ‘me time’! I will also make sure that my kids get some well deserved ‘me time’ to so that they can de stress and be happier people and parents themselves.
October 30, 2013 at 5:59 am
And of course, the grass is always greener on the other side.
July 30, 2013 at 8:47 pm
Thankyou for everyones’ posts…..
IF one doesn’t WANT TO BE USED AS A FREE BABYSITTING SERVICE BY UNGRATEFUL RELATIVES, THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT is THAT ONE must STAND UP FOR ONESELF–LEGALLY, IF NECESSARY!
September 18, 2013 at 4:18 pm
My daughter and her husband are trying to get pregnant and I’m not at all excited by the prospect of the potential responsibility of being a grandmother even though I know my daughter will be semi respectful of my time. I don’t work and her inlaws are our neighbors, they are going to think it odd that I don’t want to be a daycare provider to this future child. I raised two great daughters, but one of them is special needs with a mental illness and caring for her has been exhausting. I’ve been selfless for 26 years and now I’d like to finish my masters degree and go back to work. Sure ill spend a few hours per week with the child but no 40 hour per week babysitting.
October 8, 2013 at 12:35 am
Wow! All these comments are very interesting as I stumbled upon this searching for others who also have dead-beat grandparents. Most of us are not asking them to raise our kids. I love my kids very much & they are my responsibility. I chose to have them & I enjoy raising them. I had/have a wonderful grandmother who enjoyed spending time with me & taught me many things about life, cooking, etc. I just can’t fathom NOT wanting to see or spend time with your own grandchildren. I’m not saying every day or being a babysitting service, but at least occasionally asking to have them over to bake or do something special together. I think it boils down to selfishness. The same goes for parents who treat grandparents like babysitters, selfishness. People are all about “me” and “what am I going to get out of this”. So, don’t expect your grown kids to drop everything to attend a holiday or special event where you can “play” the perfect grandparent and show off when you never take an interest in those grand kids at any other time! And you must remember that at some point in the near future, those grown kids & grandchildren will be the ones you need to take care of YOU. When you need to be protected, feed, cleaned……you might wish you hadn’t acted selfishly so often. I realize people take advantage, but good parents who just want their children to have loving grandparents & maybe a weekend away once a year or ever other year shouldn’t have to be left to explain to children why “glam ma” never wants to see them!
October 12, 2013 at 3:58 pm
Very balanced response!….as it should be. selfish expectations go both ways!!
June 6, 2014 at 2:28 pm
Just found this website and your comment hit home for me. It sounds like we have the same feelings towards this. Just want our parents to engage – not looking for a babysitting service.
July 8, 2015 at 11:23 am
My daughter and 2yo granddaughter moved in with me after her divorce. They lived with me for a year, and then moved into an apartment. Several months later, they moved in with a man who had tow girls of his own in the same age range.
I am not allowed to see my granddaughter anymore for special days out, a play, lunch, shopping, anything like that. I was told in had to take all three girls, not just the one. Well, I don’t WANT to take all three!
They’re lovely girls, but having a bunch of screaming, hyper girls out in public somewhere is simply not my idea of a good time, and I resent that my granddaughter has been kept from me. I have a beautiful pool and movie theatre in my home and it was like pulling teeth to get my daughter to bring the girls over for a visit. (They live 30-40 minutes away). The day they did come, my granddaughter wanted to play with her dollies, and the other two were jumping down the staircase and throwing toys off the second floor balcony. I couldn’t believe how poorly behaved they were! And I’m supposed to take them all out in public? I don’t think so.
I would have liked to spend time individually with these kids, but that’s just not allowed. Ridiculous.
October 20, 2013 at 10:00 pm
My children will always be the most important thing in my life, even when they have children of their own. I know how hard raising children can be, so of course I will help my kids out, I love them. And I will always be their Mother. Being a good Grandmother is just part of being a good Mum. I had postnatal depression with my first. I want my kids to have the support they need and deserve one day because I want them to be happy! This does not mean that there will not be boundaries or that I will be a door mat. I think it just comes down to priorities and taking responsibility.
October 30, 2013 at 4:55 am
Holy cow…I’ve read through all the entries, and I can’t believe the amount of personal opinions being thrown around as virtual law.
Look, like everything else in life, how much involvement one has in one’s grandchild’s life is A PERSONAL CHOICE. No one, and I mean absolutely no one – not your sons or your daughters or anonymous readers of a blog – can make you do what you do not want to do.
If you don’t want to be an active part of your grandkids’ lives – for whatever reason – then don’t. If you want to be there for each and every event and babysit your grandkids daily, then do it.
What I have a problem with is you folks who take it upon yourselves to pass judgement on others based on your own opinions. If you feel slighted by what your parents or your in-laws are not doing, take notes and when the time comes for YOU to be the grandparent, then YOU be the grandparent you wanted your kids to have.
You might be surprised by then that you won’t have the time/energy or inclination to follow through…and then YOU can be judged by YOUR children.
Good luck
March 10, 2014 at 8:46 pm
Amen!!!
June 6, 2014 at 2:22 pm
It’s easy to sit and make broad statements about how much you love your children (don’t we all) and how you want to be supportive of them when they get older and have kids of their own (don’t we all). But things don’t always work out the way you think (or hope, or dream) they will. Take the child you raised (who now is grown and has ideas and plans of their own), add a spouse or partner, fold in his (or her) family members, their ideas of how things should be, their expectations and traditions, and suddenly, things have gone all to hell, and you sit there wondering what happened. Think about that one, all you folks with little ones who can’t imagine anything other than a rosy outcome. Good luck.
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May 30, 2014 at 11:40 pm
I was a stay at home Mom, and very devoted!!! My life was my children and I loved it! My house was the house all the children came to spend time I had 3 children!
I am a Grand mom who loves her grandchild…love to spend time with her in short spurts and when I am ready. My terms…big deal? So what?
The time spent is on my terms(as well as emergencies if needed-I am there) as the time to have her baby was on her terms. She didn’t ask me a preference. My daughter chose the time she wanted to have a child. My granddaughter’s care is her responsibility. I am there for the love, sharing time and the fun…
However I am just not that crazy about being with little kids anymore…so what? I am I supposed to fake that? Be pretentious? no no no I wouldn’t do that to my grandchild. Therefore I have her over when I am excited energetic and in the mood, so she gets the best of me!
Otherwise id rather be hanging out with adults. Why does this bother people. I just don’t get it!
June 6, 2014 at 2:11 pm
Because you put yourself ahead of your own, innocent blood
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June 22, 2014 at 1:58 am
It’ll be an interesting time when the “grandparent” generation will require help from their children. Health care is only getting less affordable. I know a police officer who gets many calls to help out an elderly person who has been abandoned by their children and found covered in their own feces.
Listen grandparents, go ahead and think for yourself only, when the time comes don’t be surprised if your children washed their hands of you too!
June 25, 2014 at 9:58 am
Yeah, they might. Oh well, that’s life, isn’t it? Nothing is as perfect as we all wish it could be. I’d rather just accept life and the way people are on their own terms. Less heartache all around that way, certainly.
February 27, 2015 at 8:58 am
I am almost sixty years old and I have three beautiful grandchildren. Although I adore them very much and I think of them several times a day, unfortuantely I can not see them as often as I would like. I still work full time and on the weekends I find myself trying to catch up — cleaning house, running errands, and taking care of the lawn. If I had my way, I would not be working and I would spend much more time with the grandchildren but thanks to this stinking economy, i have to keep working. Plus, working full time at my age plus taking care of my home is almost too much for me to handle both mentally and physically and then when I try to babysit one or more of the kids during the weekends, I am even more exhausted when I return back to work on Monday. I don’t think the younger generation realizes what a toll it takes on our generation to have to work full time let alone try to baby sit during what little free time we have! I am very tired by Friday night and I drag myself through my household obligations on Saturdays and then on Sundays I try to spend a little time with the grandkids and then I crash for the day. Gone are the days when “granny” can sit and read and rock the grandchildren because a lot of grannies, including myself, are still working and we are just to physically wore out to babysit. As for the comment about our own children washing their hands on us when we are elderly and need help? Ha! I will probably be working until my last breath so if I fall, chances are I will fall getting up from my desk and my co-worker will simply call 911! It is such a shame that the world is like this now because as I mentioned; I would love to be with my grandkids more and kiss the job good-bye but I have to work. And, just as the last poster also mentioned; health care is getting less and less affordable so most of my generation has an obligation to keep working because we need the insurance and additional funds to provide for our own health care needs. It is simply the responsible thing to do yet it is frustrating as hell! I would much rather be with my grandkids at this age then work! Heck, I would much rather be with my grand kids even if I was twenty years younger!
July 20, 2014 at 12:17 am
My mother in law has never worked a day in her life, and luckily for her never has to as she’s always been well looked after by her spouse and mother, who moved her family into her house, cooked, cleaned and cared for her children. And also left her a hefty inheritance I might add. Anyway, she has never treated me kindly but always begged me for grandchildren. She finally got one and has completely raised it as her own. Two years later, we had a child and one year after that, another. She has never bothered with either of them! I just don’t feel its right! I mean, it’s not even about us having an occasional break. My oldest child is 3 and says things like “grandma doesn’t love me, only—(other grandchild), she hates me, she has no time for me”, etc. Even to her face without any reaction, just a change of subject on her part.It breaks my heart and angers me! My parents are upset about it and say she is being given a complex. She now seems to try to hide the fact that she has him from us instead of equally taking turns. I mean if she said she wasn’t up to it anymore to us all than fine, but….how do I deal with this situation??
September 7, 2014 at 11:47 pm
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Grandma Cant Be Bothered? » Postcards From Yo Momma
October 17, 2014 at 10:37 am
I love being a gamma, n new hubby loves being pop-pop. Unfortunately my daughters expectations since she was 13 (now 27 who is now married n beautiful 2 year old) think she should and has right to control me. I was single mom of two for last 20 years, and loved every minute of it. kids grew up, married etc, and I learned to enjoy my own interest while they were doing their own thing. Now my daughter believes I do not do enough for her. I do all the holidays, the drop bys to say hi, lunches, breakfasts, camping trip, birthdays, the baby sitting during the week so she can go to school, appts. But it’s not enough, and if I don’t do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, I’m a bad grandma and mom, and she takes our grand daughter out of our lives for months at a time. I do enjoy spending my time with my husband when he and I are off together, and he and I both LOVE our granddaughter, but sometimes I say we’ve got plans. My heart is breaking with out my grandbaby, but I can’t handle the control anymore, and the insults and abuse.
November 5, 2014 at 12:30 pm
And to add, I take her to zoo, take her out of town to see her uncle, pick her up to go shopping, I change diapers, I sing, carve pumpkins, decorate Christmas trees, watch fireworks, roast marshmallows, FaceTime, n have the fun phone calls with her everyday!!!!! etc etc…… And love every second of it all…… Just so heart broken – if I don’t do what my daughter wants and expects in my personal life, I lose my grandbaby!!!!!
November 5, 2014 at 1:03 pm
Your daughter is very fortunate to have you do so much already. My wife and I can only wish to have my parents do a fraction of what you do. I am lucky to have my mother watch hey own grandkids once every few years. I would love for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents but unfortunately my parents have no interest. I completely agree that it is ridiculous how some parents today take advantage of their parents and use them for their own selfish reasons just for baby sitting and expect to be able to drop off whenever, but their is the other side as with grandparents also being selfish by not offering a finger to help once on a while. At least fur the sake of just wanting to know your own grandchildren. The worst is during the holidays when your kids are promised by grandmother all the neat grandmother like things they are gong to do with them that never happens. Oh well …just hope they don’t expect you to drop whatever your doing when they get older and need help.
January 6, 2015 at 11:36 pm
I just read some of the comments on here and this is a very good topic. I also am a grandmother, I have been caring for my grandchildren regularly since birth. I am not a happy camper and I will tell you why. (I am not a bad person either) I raised my 3 children on my own with no help at all and it was a stressful time. I am still single as I never remarried and now after I get home from work they are waiting for me. I do love them but never have any time to myself. Trying to talk about it with my daughter or son has had no good outcomes. (Their thoughts are similar to some on here) Obviously every circumstance is different but I receive no help from them and do not expect it just keep going on my own busing to my min wage job. I have had many health issues myself and still have the responsibility. One of the saddest things is that I never get visits from my own kids anymore it is just a drop and run. No its not fair as I am trying to have a life finally too.:(
November 15, 2014 at 8:42 am
Sorry I wanted to add something else! I love my grandchildren and miss them when I cannot see them. The “visits” began at birth and I have bonded with them all. However it only works one way and I have rarely been in their home usually it is always the kids in my small apt. I feel guilty all the time and hear nothing but complaints and that is with the level of caregiving I do give! None of us are bad people but how did it come to this! thanks for listening. Overstressed overworked grandma/wage earner.
November 15, 2014 at 9:02 am
I am a mother of three teengers.
I find it ridiculous to expect grandparents to take up the slack. I for one have never, ever…. had my Mother babysit, or keep an eye out on my children, they do not go to stay the night, and yes we live in the same town.
I love my mother, and have the greatest respect for her, but it was my decision to have children, not hers. I could have never imagined asking her to pick up my children from school.
She has done her job, she raised me to be responsible, and to have great respect for those in my life. There is always another way, I spoke to my college counselor after my entered school, and had them set my class schedule up so that I would only be there while they were in school, so I could take them to school, and pick them up after school. Yes it did take a year and a half longer because some semesters I wasn’t able to take certain classes do to the time, but I did it.
I never had assistance, financially, ((other than student loans)) or physically. I had a simple camera at the time, and started taking pictures of my children’s soccer, basketball, and baseball teams. Word got around, and soon I was taking portraits. I finished college with a bachelors in business, and also an associates in graphic design. I was able to have my children at all of my photoshoots, including weddings later. Even if that had not worked out, I would have found another way. I am a pretty good cook, and have made lasagnas, cakes, cookies. It made money either way.
Was it easy? No. I am just stating being a good parent isn’t easy, it’s a lot of work. No you don’t have ((me)) time, but you definitely should have taken that into consideration before you made that choice.
Now the next time you decide to just drop your children off at your parents house, how about you take them some cookies and stay for a visit. Invite them to dinner as a family, take them to watch a movie with your children. If your parents attend church go together as a family.
Now that I am recently remarried, I also give the same respect to my mother in law. I always try to make sure I have something in my hands for her when I walk in the door, whether it be a coupon, mole, spaghetti, or in a few cases just a smile and a hug.
They deserve to be respected, they deserve me time. You to will get it yourselves later in life. My daughters have stated that they will never expect me to watch their children when they choose to have them, not because I have said no… but because they have learned from example.
You are in charge of how your future generation depicts what is, and what is not the norm.
We should celebrate, lift up, appreciate, and love our elders.
December 9, 2014 at 4:29 pm
I apologize for posting twice, I thought it hadn’t loaded yet…. :) I just wanted to change my screenname.
December 9, 2014 at 4:38 pm
Great job !!!!!!!!
January 1, 2015 at 12:21 pm
Thank you for loving your mother. My mother never babysat and I love her dearly. And her grandchildren love her. Her grandchildren would also care for her in her old age, although that is actually my responsibility. My mother deserves to have a life after raising us. Just as I do after raising mine.
September 18, 2017 at 4:46 am
I am a mother of three teengers.
I find it ridiculous to expect grandparents to take up the slack. I for one have never, ever…. had my Mother babysit, or keep an eye out on my children, they do not go to stay the night, and yes we live in the same town.
I love my mother, and have the greatest respect for her, but it was my decision to have children, not hers. I could have never imagined asking her to pick up my children from school.
She has done her job, she raised me to be responsible, and to have great respect for those in my life. There is always another way, I spoke to my college counselor after my entered school, and had them set my class schedule up so that I would only be there while they were in school, so I could take them to school, and pick them up after school. Yes it did take a year and a half longer because some semesters I wasn’t able to take certain classes do to the time, but I did it.
I never had assistance, financially, ((other than student loans)) or physically. I had a simple camera at the time, and started taking pictures of my children’s soccer, basketball, and baseball teams. Word got around, and soon I was taking portraits. I finished college with a bachelors in business, and also an associates in graphic design. I was able to have my children at all of my photoshoots, including weddings later. Even if that had not worked out, I would have found another way. I am a pretty good cook, and have made lasagnas, cakes, cookies. It made money either way.
Was it easy? No. I am just stating being a good parent isn’t easy, it’s a lot of work. No you don’t have ((me)) time, but you definitely should have taken that into consideration before you made that choice.
Now the next time you decide to just drop your children off at your parents house, how about you take them some cookies and stay for a visit. Invite them to dinner as a family, take them to watch a movie with your children. If your parents attend church go together as a family.
Now that I am recently remarried, I also give the same respect to my mother in law. I always try to make sure I have something in my hands for her when I walk in the door, whether it be a coupon, mole, spaghetti, or in a few cases just a smile and a hug.
They deserve to be respected, they deserve me time. You to will get it yourselves later in life. My daughters have stated that they will never expect me to watch their children when they choose to have them, not because I have said no… but because they have learned from example.
You are in charge of how your future generation depicts what is, and what is not the norm.
We should celebrate, lift up, appreciate, and love our elders.
December 9, 2014 at 4:32 pm
I always believed that you shouldn’t bother others with things doesn’t fall under their responsibility such as babysitting the kids. If parents offer to babysit well that’s a different story. But you chose to have children and If you are woman enough to have sex then you should be woman enough to take care of your children and not expect nor demand anything from others. Date night movie night or a holiday without the kids is not a valid reason to make grandparents give up their free time to look after the kids in my opinion. If Date nights are that important then you should have thought about that before you decided to have children.
December 16, 2014 at 8:25 pm
I understand that grandparents don’t want to be on call babysitters. Who would? They shouldn’t help out financially either. I have three children that I have never asked my mother to babysit, ever. I’ve never asked for her support in raising them. But she is family and I expected more. Perhaps, my expectations were too high, but when I asked if I could count on her and name her guardian in the unlikely event that my husband and I were to die, she said no! I feel rejected and hurt when I invite her to their birthday parties, games, dance rehearsals, etc. and she doesn’t have any interest in attending them, even every once in a while. I feel required to bring the children to her every time we do want to visit because she will not drive to us. I have to convince her to let us visit. We just want to see her on days other than Christmas. The kids love her, but I wonder if it’s because she gets to be Grandma Clause once a year. They love Santa, too! We’re willing to do the driving, take her out to dinner, everything. She just isn’t interested. Every time I invite her or try to get together, it’s one more rejection I have to endure. I feel like this is at the heart of some grandparent complaints. What insight do the grandparents on this forum have regarding this issue?
December 17, 2014 at 12:16 pm
Sometimes we are just tired, working still and have medical issues.
Nothing more, love them but just can’t deal for long periods of time.
December 26, 2014 at 4:14 pm
Amen!
January 20, 2015 at 10:41 pm
Many styles of grand parenting out there. No one is mentioning that sometimes individuals choose NOT to be grandparents because of previous fracturing of the family by an ex-wife with parental alienation syndrome. (a mental illness where the divorced parent deliberately and systematically turns the children of the marriage permanently gainst their other parent.) In cases like that, what happens is that the grand parenting patterns end up skewed. ie. the displaced original parent is not in the picture as the result of the divorced parent’s illnesses. In my situation, I chose NOT to be a grandparent rather than fight with my ex over access to the children & grandchildren. My ex was always trying to ‘best’ me as to who bought the most presents for the grandchildren, who loved them the most etc. I am very glad to not have to (by law) grandparent alongside the ex. My freedom is mine and although I wish my former children and their grandchildren well — I don’t have to be part of their lives. It needs to be said that some people non-grandparent for good reasons of avoiding further abuse from a toxic family. That is ok. There are many patterns of relationships and not all of them have to fit into a preconceived pattern of perfection. If you are a young person with only one grandparent involved then that is alright. Not every family is going to exhibit patterns of two grandparents on each side. Give yourselves permission to go with that & just gravitate to what you have (not what could be but is not.) –Wise elder here.
December 30, 2014 at 5:17 pm
Hi,
Times change so much from one generation to the next. The women are more educated, working more, google information, and don’t have as much time. The new parents are so much more educated and have different expectations as well as new grandmas don’t know how to deal with the changes and needs of a new mom. Our moms took us to visit grand parents and we would stay the night. Grandma would take us out and buy us shoes and out to eat… Everything is so different psychologically and even with the toys kids are so inundated with. Moms used to go to the moms / grandmas for advice, now they google it……. As a young educated grandma who also owns a business, I get busy and its hard to spend time with my grandkids when my kids need me….. I think grandmas should look at their kids like adults and really listen to what they need, don’t advise them unless asked, and when asked offer ideas not as a mother telling them…… Respect their wishes and if you don’t agree leave it alone, unless its a unsafe situation.
January 1, 2015 at 12:18 pm
This grandma and grandpa have very demanding jobs. When our kids were little we worked opposite shifts so our kids were never left in a daycare. Neither of our parents actively participated in our children’s lives and we survived. My mom never worked and my mother-in-law worked very little so they had plenty of time to spend with our kids but they chose not to. Present time? My daughter has a two year old son and they both live with us while she works and goes to college. My other daughter has a one year old and she expects us to keep her over night about once a month. This literally pushes it over the top with us. We are in our early 60′s and just trying to get through a work week let alone having two babies in the house during the weekend about wrecks us physically. It is not as if we purposefully spend more time with our grandson. It is through sheer need that my daughter and him are provided with a roof over their heads and food on the table but it is clear that our other daughter feels kind of snubbed that we do not see her child as much as the other one. That daughter is happily married and financially stable so we simply try to divide our time and resources the best that we can. On a final, no grandparent is really obligated to do anything. Even though we love our grands very, very much, none of us actually signed up to be a grandparent. It really is not our responsibility and we have a right to do what we want and when we want and this holds true especially with someone like my husband and I. As mentioned, my husband and I totally gave up our alone time together when our kids were young by working opposite shifts so now it’s our turn to live our lifes the way we want. If we were younger than maybe it would be different but for those mothers out there who are younger than 40, trust me, when you become our age you won’t want to spend your weekends either chasing kids when you can barely make it through a week of work!
January 20, 2015 at 10:26 pm
I am in a similar situation. My son broke up with his ex and moved in with his 3 1/2 year old daughter. His ex only takes the daughter on Sundays and fortunately the little one is in preschool all week. She’s a really good kid but I did not sign up to be a live in grandparent. My son seems to think that we are obligated to provide a roof over their heads, he contributes very little (groceries maybe once a month); I am expected to provide meals for 2 1/2 extra people (my son eats for two). To make matters worse, my son is a spendthrift with practically nothing saved; he has been couch surfing for the past few years (first with his ex and then with his sister, who kicked him out of the house two months ago, for the same reason I mentioned…not contributing to the family groceries and utilities.) My husband doesn’t seem to mind the arrangement, but I do. We have very little privacy, and we cannot afford to provide an apartment for the son and granddaughter since we are not financially endowed to do that. Right now they live in our basement.
This arrangement cuts into our freedom….since my son and ex have to work they really don’t have anyone to babysit on Saturdays which is the only day my husband and I have off together (we both work).
I did not sign up for this. I don’t want to see my granddaughter on the street, but I don’t want the responsibility of raising a child at 62. Is that so wrong? I’ve raised three children with little outside help, now it’s my turn to enjoy my “old age” while I’m still healthy.
Is that so wrong? I’m not against spending time with my grandaughter, but I would prefer they had their own apartment.
October 21, 2015 at 11:42 am
In our late 50′s and we both work full time. Grand kids overnight on the weekends? No! When our kids were little we worked opposite shifts so our kids would not have to be put in day care. Present time? Well…it is now our time! Just getting though a work week exhausts us so having kids on the weekend about kills us. Literally! Plus, our moms did not work and they almost never watched our kids and we survived. Plus parents, you brought the kids in the world and there was not a contract that says grandparents are obligated in any shape or form.
January 20, 2015 at 10:33 pm
Wow ! What is wrong with this world , I thought my mom was the only inconsiderate, ignorant ass mother , but no there is a ton of use .(Disgusting) First off I am a 23 yr old mother of 2 gorgeous baby boys, my mom never was there for me so I not once expected for her to be supportive or caring to my babies. And sure enough she hasn’t . And she been a grandma for 5years , that made me a teenage mom, so sad only if I was raised better ..Any who my kids will be raised with out grand parents how sad is that no person that they can trust , run to when mommy is upset with there behavior, no one to tell secrets to, or take them on trips vacation, laugh and hear old stories , catch a movie , learn an old cookie recipe, my kids will miss out and the extra love and nurturing and the most important memories ,with someone special. To me and them . But lesson learned and life goes on I lost the last bit of respect for my mom , she messed up with me and a chance to show me she can be caring ,and has failed from all different views. But now I know how it feels to feel completely neglected by the person , that I never spoke with before bringing me into this world. I Will continue to build a great bond with my children and be the best mom I can be . And when my children have gorgeous beautiful children, I will do the same with them . The best thing you can give children is great memories. And I will do so for my family as long as I am here . And for everyone with shitty moms who are now shitty grandma’s I am deeply sorry that this has happen to you . But learn from it take it turn it around and show them how it is done….
April 28, 2015 at 11:39 am
My only daughter is 4 months old. My parents live a 5 hour drive away so they have come up twice, and I haven’t even asked to go “out” while they’re in town because i love spending time with them as much as they love seeing my baby. My In laws however live ten minutes away and have never babysat. Even for a couple hours :( when they do visit, we always cook for them, make them coffee, etc. but my husband has dropped several hints that I’ve been sleep deprived and struggling, and that even just one time for a couple hours so I could nap would be amazing, but she still has never offered. So recently we asked and set a date, and were so looking forward to a few hours of alone time, and then she just cancelled :( it breaks my heart because I thought she really liked me…
May 21, 2015 at 10:03 pm
After reading all these posts, I now see why my generation is full of spoiled, selfish ppl – because the generation above is like that. I just can’t believe how many older women’s first thought of hearing that their daughter is pregnant is “oh no, I don’t want to babysit”. It seems like most of you are saying “I have a life”, but I can’t comprehend how ‘going on facebook’ and drinking wine, and going on dates are more important and more of a life than your grandchildren?? What else on life matters than your blood?? That’s the closest thing we have to immortality – it’s your future after you are gone! Your genes passed on to carry on your name! ew, I can’t imagine my kid having some skanky-ass grandma whose “social life” is more important than her family… So gross!! Act your age for the lie of God!!
May 23, 2015 at 11:27 pm
OH MY GOSH, SO AGREE, ! That is my mother in law, dating, wine, facebook… she has 200+ “friends” but sees no one other than who she is dating at the moment. Nauseaus!
July 27, 2015 at 11:42 pm
Oh Jamie, get off the “blood” thing. Some older people are getting the stepchildren of their lovely “blood” dumped on them. And as a woman who had loose family ties and no grandparents growing up, I can say family isn’t all that necessary to enjoy ones childhood or live a good life. I don’t expect my children to take care of me, even though my youngest son is finishing his basement in anticipation of my decrepitude. It’s a nice thought, but the state nursing home at least has windows. So give everyone a break and get over yourself. I doubt many are longing for a clan, a tribe, or a cult to take care of them in their declining years. I’d rather have strangers do that they would be far more interesting. Who the hell WANTS to live with their adult children anyway? It’s creepy.
December 21, 2015 at 12:08 am
You are incredibly selfish. God forbid someone who raised their children be entitled to a life that doesn’t include raising your kids.
September 18, 2017 at 4:51 am
I think the majority of people on here (including me) just want their mother (the grandma) to ENGAGE more. It’s definitely NOT ok to expect free “on-call” babysitting services 24/7 but most of us on here have the “don’t bother calling, I”m not interested” situation. That really does hurt. We just want our parents to show interest in our lives and our childrens lives. That’s all. It’s a sad epidemic of ‘glam-ma’s’ that feel they can ‘check out’ now that their children are grown. While you’ve earned your golden years to relax and do what you want and that’s true – we’re just wishing our parents would show interest in us STILL and our children. We just want them to spend time with us, not ‘babysit’. I loved spending time with my grandma and I’m sad my kids won’t have those same memories. All I can do is remember how hurtful this is and not be this way for my future grandchildren. I used to be so close to my mom but after having my kids, I have lost a lot of respect for her. I don’t want to be selfish like her. I want to make sure my kids and their future kids know I’m there for them and love them.
July 8, 2015 at 11:16 am
All I can say is WOW! I see a lot of “you owe me” mentality and rude comments such as “skanky-ass grandma”. I’m sorry, but as a grandparent I don’t OWE you anything. The younger generation seems to think we should be at our kids beck and call. It’s very inconsiderate to just assume we shouldn’t have a life beyond raising kids or grandkids. I LOVE having my grandchildren over. Does that mean that since my daughter can’t seem to give me more than 12 hours notice she needs a babysitter for the weekend that I should drop all my plans every time she needs me to watch them? No I don’t think so. Attitudes on here sound like I should do nothing but live eat and breathe my grand children. I spent a ton of time with my grandparents. And guess what? They had a life outside of me too. They had church functions, community obligations, a job, etc. When I was born there world didn’t end. And guess what else? MY PARENTS didn’t EXPECT them to stop having a life and drop everything and sit around and wait for me to come visit. If it was something appropriate, they might have even brought me along. My parents were respectful of the fact the I was THEIR child to raise, and grandparents were not a parental substitute so my parents could run off at every whim and get together and party with friends instead of raising kids. I enjoy deeply the time I get to spend with my grandkids. But I’m sorry, I’m not going to cancel a doctor appointment I waited 4 months to get because you want to go to a BYOB painting party with your friends. And I work during the week, so yea, I’d like to enjoy my weekend with my husband once in a while too instead of watching the grandkids every weekend so you can go party with your friends. My daughter seems to think that me putting my kids first the whole time I was raising them and putting my dreams on the back burner because I CHOSE to start a family, was not enough sacrifice. Now that my kids are grown with kids of their own, I am not supposed to go back and live my dreams, and go back to school. I’m supposed to just live my life taking care of the grandkids so she can run around with her boyfriend who lives with another woman. I am truly sorry for those out there who aren’t trying to take advantage of free babysitting and actually want to have their parents involved in the grand kids lives, and the grandparents don’t want to be involved. I am sorry for those who aren’t looking for drop in babysitting, and want to be there to spend time as a family…all three generations enjoying family time. But for the rest of you..grow up…you chose to be a parent, so parent.
July 11, 2015 at 10:22 am
I guess the only three words you read of my post were “skanky ass grandma”, because everything else you said didn’t apply to anything I wrote.
July 27, 2015 at 8:19 pm
Eileen, you are exactly right!
September 18, 2017 at 4:52 am
Ok, let’s get this straight people. Alot of you are confusing two issues here… grandparents wanting to provide childcare for their grandchildren on a full-time basis and grandparents who are made to feel obligated to care for their grandchi8ldren despite having their own life. This is NOT an all or none issue. Is a grandparent, who has spent their life raising their own children, obligated to take on full-time childcare for their grandchildren otherwise the boo-hoo-ers say they are ‘missing out’ b/c they aren’t doing so?? What about grandparents who adore their grandchildren and who enjoy having them from time to time, YET they have a life of their own (ya, believe it baby) and can’t always be available at the drop of a hat? Does that make them a less-than-dedicated-grandparent b/c they won’t drop everything to babysit their grandkids (yes, and I mean BABYSIT when it means grandparents have to change their plans to accommodate their adult children who think granny and grandpa sit around in a rocking chair). Amazing, this generation of young parents who start whining b/c mommy & daddy arent available when they want them to be and when mommy & daddy have already dedicated their lives to raising them.We paid for childcare when raising our kids. I wouldn’t think of strapping family members to accommodate my needs. My husband and I have been raising kids for 29 YEARS and we are ready for ‘us’ time now. Our daughter is upset w/ us b/c we won’t commit to babysitting her kids when she returns to work (p.s. she’s not even pregnant yet). Not being available to babysit your grandkids does not mean a grandparent doesn’t love them or isn’t part of their lives. We can’t get our daughter to understand that we will love our grandkids and will love having them from time to time but that now is OUR time to get out there and travel and be a couple again. Do you young parents understand this or are you too much caught up in the me-me-me-its-all-about-me mentality that you can’t see that your parents deserve to do what they want now?
July 25, 2015 at 12:28 am
I’ve read every single post, and it’s all daughters who are hurt by neglectful grandmothers, and grandmothers who feel slighted by over demanding daughters. If everyone on here is a good person, then can’t we agree that both of these views are sad? Grown up kids shouldn’t take advantage of the grandparents (or anyone for that matter ie. An aunt or friend), and grandparents who wouldn’t do an occasional favour (with notice) for their children is pretty ass (especially when it involves the grandkids). A normal, intelligent woman should realize that grandma can’t chase after or lift kids the way she used to, and grandma should remember what it’s like to have your first newborn and not sleep for three days. And after all, if we can’t depend on our own mother to help us out the odd time that we are desperate, who can we depend on? I hope my mom would call me if she was in a jam as well, because we both treat each other with a mutual respect.
July 27, 2015 at 8:28 pm
Wow, so we are not alone and it is sad.
My parents are both deceased but before they were, both were so happy to see the grandkids, spend time talking, getting to know, enjoying each grand kid for each of their own personalities. They have great memories of sitting and talking with grandpa and his funny sayings and his grandpa indulgences. It is beautiful.
My mother in law a different story. When she would babysit (not often as it was always such a hassle) the kids felt like she didn’t want to be there, we would hurry to town and back and she would be sitting looking out the window with her purse on her shoulder waiting for us to return and then hurry out. These are nice, well behaved, polite kids who play and are quite self entertained. She never made an effort to get to know the kids, what they liked, etc.. never went to their sports or functions. At holidays gave gifts, but it was always the best deal, cheapest finds that she liked–and while appreciated, it was obvious she put no thought into what each kid was interested in. Two years ago one of my 12 yr. old daughters called her and said, “Grandma, I haven’t seen you in a long time, can we be together this weekend?” She flat out said, “I’m gone every weekend.” (she had recently been on dating websites and clearly had no time for anything else) My husband called her back, stated that it was hurtful to her granddaughter, that any time would work and she became defensive, ugly and said, “I’m looking out for myself.” Well, it has been 2 yrs. Lives down the street, won’t come to door for the kids, won’t wave, won’t say hi and the other day at a cousins party, wouldn’t say hello to the kids. ME GENERATION for sure! Was not a good mom, was selfish then and worse now….. It is so sick and I’m even sicker to hear that she isn’t the only one. But we’ll see who is hurting in 10-15 yrs when she is a 70-75 year old lady with no grandkids to help or visit.
July 27, 2015 at 11:41 pm
heres one for everybody… our Daughter had a girl and boy….we were a very close knit family. I took care of my granddaughter while she worked and even kept her overnight many knights. We did the same when our grandson came along for both kids. We loved doing it. What we had no idea of was her husband was cheating on her with a friend of hers everyday…he could never pick the kids up after work (he was done by 3pm) so that was why we had them many overnights. To make a very long and ugly story short … we found out that he has cheated on with many of her so called friends since before they were married…the first thing she told us was to stay away from her and her family and that she knows everything about the worthless guy….this happened when our Grand kids were 13 and 11. We only live a few miles apart. When we tell friends what happened they can’t believe it ..This is a story with many legs…very sad for us ….I personally will never every do that again. The children hate us because the believe their parents that he only did it once. The women he has been with are saying they did this with him and he was caught with one that many people saw and knew about. So my daughter and her husband have destroyed our family….I get where the raise your own kids are coming from….its a different world from our time .. Its been three years since she did this and the grape vine says we can end it if we take the blame and honor him like we know nothing…this is a very twisted tale…just a comment from Grandparents who did it all and got it shoved up our butts….
August 1, 2015 at 5:19 pm
And I guess you assume because I said “skanky ass grandma” my whole post was about you. You missed the whole point of my post and made it about you personally…validating one of my points.
To the others…thank you…for seeing that not everyone is saying all grandparents are bad, not everyone is saying I think my kids are horrible parents.
August 13, 2015 at 6:55 am
Maybe u should spend more time with your grandkids instead of attacking strangers online? Lol
August 18, 2015 at 11:11 am
shishuyuan.com
Grandma Cant Be Bothered? » Postcards From Yo Momma
September 10, 2015 at 11:30 pm
Well today my daughter and i just argued over this very subject as she asked if i could keep my grandaughter tonight and isaid i really wasn’t feeling well she did not like that awnser mind you i keep my grandaughter every morning and get her ready for school get her on the bus and off the bus in the afternoon and keep her till mom gets off work. She spends the night usually once a week and they lived with us up until about 6 months ago since she was born she is now 6. It broke my heart when they moved out but it had to happen one day but should i be made to feel guilty cause i decline once in a while but it turned into a big stress filled situation. I love my daughter and i understand its hard on her being a single mom but i tire easy i have high blood pressure and sleep apnea so i get so tired during the day. I not sure if it’s being selfish or not but i do enjoy me time i never realized till they moved out somtimes she makes feel like I’m a crappy grandma sorry i had to vent to someone so y’all are it…
September 18, 2015 at 5:53 pm
Wow! It seems like their are many selfish grandparents out there. I am a mom to a 5 year old boy and 7 year old girl who are wonderful, bright, amazing little people! I too have a mother who thinks of herself as a ” glamma.” Before my first was born, she was so excited and bragged to all her friends about becoming a grandma. Unfortunately, her excitement was short lived.
My parents divorced when I was 4 years old, and her mother ( my grandmother) let us live at her house along with my grandpa for many years before she remarried. My grandparents basically took care of me without complaint while my mother worked as a waitress and dated. My grandparents did so much for me than my own mother. My father was a wonderful man, but I only got to visit him in the summer since the court granted primary custody to my mother.
My hubby and I work full-time to make ends meet and we are both professionals in our field of work. We lost our home in 2011 as a result of the recession, and my mother and step- father told us to move by them since they would be more than happy to help watch our kids.
Long story short, they ended up complaining about caring for our kids 2 days a week while we worked ( we paid them) , and now my mother can’t be bothered to see them much at all. They live only 10 minutes away. Yet, they are both retired and only 56 years old and take 6 vacations a year. What saddens me, is I don’t expect them to raise our children, but they act like it’s such a burden to watch them while we work or just need to get out for dinner. I had to cut back my hours as a nurse so I’m able to be home with my kids when they get home from school since my mother refuses. She just likes to sleep most of the day and complains of having insomnia at night.
I too, envy those who parents who are involved in their grandkid’s lives. As I mentioned, my mother’s mother always took care of me without complaint and treated me better than she did. So for all you grandparents who are complaining about grandkids not bring your responsibility, think back and remember if your own parents helped you out. I guarantee most of them did. It DOES take a village to raise a child! I’m always stressed out running in circles with no help tying to get everything done, while my mother is sunbathing by her pool carefree. I don’t think it would kill her to help out a little more.
I think it’s a wonderful thing to have loving, involved grandparents. I will most definitely be very involved when I’m a grandma one day! I look forward to it. Life isn’t about being selfish. True happiness comes from spending time with your family! Grandkids are awesome, and those of you muttering it’s not your responsibility are missing out on being a part of these precious babes lives. What really hurts is that my mother broke all her promises to help. She only watched them 14 hours a week and couldn’t handle it. Her stupid friends are more important than us or her grandkids. She was fortunate that she never had to work once she married my stepfather, but it’s just ” too hard” on her. C’mon I do everything for my kids. I wish she would at least take them out once in a while. Sadly after my first was born, my real dad passed away and he would of been the coolest grandpa on the planet!
Just sharing my opinion, but I feel it’s so important to spend time with your grandkids because your not going to live forever. I don’t want any regrets when I die.
September 27, 2015 at 4:22 am
Mel, is your Mum depressed? Or if whe just wants to have a good time then let her be, you don’t want her taking it out on your kids if you make her feel obliged. I think the older ones have earned the right to pick and choose when they do stuff so it is tricky for them feeling like you are employing them again when they wanted a completely free retirement. We are in a similar boat, this is the first time I feel I can have a rant about it. My mum is in her 60s competent but single. She uses the excuse we are 2.5 hours away for not seeing them. Or phoning. It was only when I made no contact with her did she eventually phone after about 5 weeks. I took my two DLOs to a family friends party near Mum and she came along and nearly cried about how but the 8mnth old is etc and was loving seeing them for those 2 hours. But that is it, we touched upon her seeing them again but it got to that usually, oh I am so busy, and I am so tired stuff from her. I unfortunately invited her down, which prompted that negativity feeling obliged again. So she just shuts down. So back to getting on as she sems to want it to be – without her. And a few more of those oh dear haven’t I missed so much type moments. If I make her feel in anywy bad she will ping off again and I have lost the chance to build anything again. I want the same thing, some regular support from her, but I think the just wanting to spend time together bit gt lost and made the whole relationship sour, so I have ot have that first now, I don’t want her to do anything for my kids now unless I know she wants to becuase other wise it hurts me too much to feel like she doesn’t care in the way I need. What really kicks me is that my sister decded to go ahead and have a son without the father, and moved in with Mum. Whilst renting out her own house! Mum does all their washing, lots of clearing up cooking, walks her dog feeds her dog and buys them thing with the little money she has. Then I get “I am tired, and gosh so busy – time is flying, and I am ill again so I can’t go anywhere”. My sister and her didn’t even tell me she was moving in, they just kept asking things like, are you clearing that old stuff of yours out of your room? I knew ans asked why? But no striaght answers. I don’t have a problem with it, except my sister is abusing Mum’s time and effort at the expense for ours. Everytime I tried to say, what is hapening, I get shut down. I explained to my sister that she should be paying rent, and should be paying Mum for childcare, but they have a cosy thing going on becuase they are single women together. I love that but not enough to prefer it, and I am not jealous, but I am annoyed that neither of them have accounted for being sister aunty mother and grandmother to us in all of that. We wanted to go up and stay as a family of 4, and they offered us the box room, and put the small toddler who we are potty training downstairs. I suggested that if we borrowed my sisters roms for one night we could contain ourselves and her and her son would fit easily in the box room fr htat night meaning noone has to be downstairs and mum wasnt pressured to share her room either. I said to mum it is her house still, wouldn’t she view that as a fair solution? But no, my sister has to have it all without any thought for us. I am tempted to never see them again they make us feel like we are unwelcome like I am the one who is causing them problms, I am I guess refelcting back their own singlemindedness, and Mum excuses it saying I don’t need help because I am settled with my own family, but hey, I didn’t think it would ever be a choice between a mother and a family of my own! I don’t need help but it would be nice and I would like for Mum to have quality time with us. I thought it would bring us together but simple my sister have pushed herself onto all my other family like as I knew it and not even once talke to me about it. ANGRY! I just don’t have access to my family home or my mother anymore and when I explain it to my sister she occassionally listens and does have some grace but only once so far. But learning to let go…hope you get on OK. Would like to hear more about how it is going…sending positive thoughts!
October 21, 2015 at 7:49 am
How is visiting in any way “raising” or “taking care of” grandkids? All that kids need is your presence. Just show up. They don’t need you to instruct, discipline, teach, clean, cook…..just be there and tell stories and enjoy. If you are asked to do more than you are comfortable with, open your mouth and set boundaries. There is no excuse for being an absentee grandparent.
I have never seen so many people rationalizing their selfishness. If you have no desire to see your grandchild, you are pretty much an empty husk of a human being.
October 15, 2015 at 12:00 pm
Best comment ever
November 16, 2015 at 11:21 pm
I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN, BUT I JUST TIME FOR ME AND THE REST OF MY LIFE, I THINK MY OWN CHILDREN DO THIS TO HAVE TIME FOR THEM, IAM 62 AND I DON’T THINK IT IS FARE, AND THEY DON’T EVEN ASK , THEY JUST FELL I SHOULD, WE’LL I DON’T THINK THEY SHOULD PAWN THEM OF , BUT ASK IF IT’S OK SOMETIME
November 1, 2015 at 10:59 pm
very good Marian!
December 5, 2015 at 8:09 pm
I understand both sides. I am a grandmother. I have been heavily involved with my grandchild since birth 4 years ago. First 2 yrs two days a week. Now 1 entire dayand every Friday night and Saturday until noon. It is to much at times. I have to watch my heart closely as I get upset with her parents because they are not all that appreciative. Did I mention I work a full time job and I am married. I pick her up and return her. I love her very much. Still, I would really appreciate thanks without telling my son how lucky he is. He certainly was not taught to be so very rude. After reading all these posts, I think I will go smack my son in the face with a verbal conversation. Thanks to all who posted.
December 5, 2015 at 8:06 pm
Here’s one for ya:
I don’t know which generation is the “me” generation, or who is what. The facts for my situation are this: I’m 45 and the oldest of 3. My 65 year old parents dumped me and my siblings at either set of grandparents for the weekend whenever they needed anything at all. I sat my ass in front of MTV in 1982 and didn’t bother anyone for anything – VERY independent child I was, and still am. My 2 other siblings with their young children get to ” return the favor ” to my Baby Boomer parents all the time. But me? I only have a dog because I could sense how my BB parents did not actually enjoy parenthood themselves. I have no kids to dump on them – but I have a dog. You think I get any help with my dog, or any secret ” thank you for not reproducing so we can relax” or my siblings ever say ” hey thanks to you we get more from the grandparents” … Nope!!! I still only get snide remarks. Family are just other crappy people in the world- you’re just related them, that’s all.
December 12, 2015 at 2:40 am
I completely respect that grandparents have busy lives too and are under no obligation to provide any amount of childcare. But what pisses me off is how my in laws go on and on about how much they want to spend time with my daughter but when it happens they’re completely lacklustre and distracted. My father in law even moans about how he is envious of his friends who have their family visit all the time… They think we should fly down and visit them at their home a three hour flight away even though they have a house they visit frequently enough right next to hours. Now, sorry, a toddler is a pain to travel with and my husband and I work full time. Why should I go and waste my time and money for days of drudgery just so that they can show off? I don’t care how little they do but I hate the double standards and guilt trip.
December 13, 2015 at 3:00 pm
How about when all three grandkids are severely mentally and physically challenged and are the foster-to-adopt children of a severely co-dependent woman and her husband, my son? They can’t stop taking them in. I worry about my son as he is worn out by the demands of his wife and these kids. Daughter-in-law seems to thrive on this though. How can you say anything against this situation? These children are the unwanted of society, but they are like dolls, except they are growing. I tried to re-position the oldest boy today and couldn’t lift him. He is the first child they adopted, so he is legally my grandchild. I didn’t sign on for this. Healthy children are demanding, but these will never walk or play, they can’t communicate, daughter-in-law is miffed that I don’t show more interest. I feel really, really bad, but I just can’t get with their program, I’m not built for it. I’m 62 years old and have arthritis. These kids are 3 and 4 years old and need constant care, like babies, they always will. It hurts so much that I can’t decode their cues, so my visits are brief and seldom. What happens should healthy grandchildren come along? I am toast that’s what. So this is why I will be the oft-mentioned inattentive grandparent. Yes it makes me sad.
December 21, 2015 at 1:13 am
Judy-Your daughter sounds like an angel and lovely person, as well as your son. These children are blessed to have them. Good lord, 62 is relatively young in today’s society. I know 5 people under the age of 30 with arthritis. These kids can play. What are you talking about? I’m so sick of selfish people. Deadbeat grandparents are just as bad as abusive parents.
January 2, 2016 at 7:37 pm
My eldest son is 11 years older than his siblings so, I became a grandma while my other kids were 11 and 9. Our parents only babysat if we had a schedule conflict and had to work. We wouldn’t ask otherwise but this same son now has a 6 month old as well as the 5 year old feels he can ask whenever he wants a break. As a grandmother, I love my grands but I agree 100% with the article and feel zero obligation to babysit as my own children just became independent enough that we can shop/run errands, go to the movies without needing a babysitter. I’m sorry but I’m not willing to give that up . I have earned my breaks and besides I hate feeling used. Whenever they pop by, it’s like they are counting the minutes before they say ” Can you watch the kids so we can run to __________” and it’s never a quick trip. Now with the baby being so young and not used to us because they don’t visit regularly enough, when they leave, she almost always cries most of the time. I would like them to simply visit from start to finish without ulterior motives. Until then, I can’t see me truly enjoying their visits.
January 1, 2016 at 6:36 pm
Stumbled on the article tonight, and although it is old I must voice some thoughts. When my husband and I first realized that we were going to have to go to the ends of science to concieve a child four years ago, I tried to tell my mom. I no sooner got the words “We’re tying to have a baby but–” out, before she cut me off and informed me in no uncertain terms that she was too young and fabulous to be a grandmother. I was 32 at the time, so I wasn’t too young to be a mom, she just had me as a teenager. So, fast forward almost 5 years, and after many rounds of IVF I am pregnant with my first child. I am giving my mother exactly what she wants. She will only know my child through facebook (if that) and we are all better for it.
The thing I don’t understand is why we talk about enjoying our golden years and enjoying our grandchildren as if these things are mutually exclusive. My grandmother continually picked up the slack for my mom. She didn’t raise me, but her loving and steady presence undid a lot of the hurt my mother caused in my life. She worked, had friends and her own interests, but was never too busy to have me over on the weekends or for a quick “it’s all going to be ok” phone call before bed. Literally, that is all it took to change my life from that of a probable statistic to that of someone who thrived. In so many ways, she was my mother. And you know what? She had an amazing ten year retirement where she traveled the world with my grandpa (without me!), despite major health problems.
It doesn’t have to be either or. If this child is a girl, she will bear the name of my grandmother. The amazing woman who traveled the world but still found the time to tell me that all will be well and that I was worthy. That is more than I can say for my own sorry, absent mother.
January 4, 2016 at 11:16 pm
My situation is so odd. I was married the first time at a very young age. because I got pregnant. Divorced, I gave up custody of my only daughter to my then husband due to the fact that she was always in trouble at school and the woman he married had kids the same ages and he wanted to have her as part of his new family. I felt this was the best move for her and me at the time. I was always working. and I even had to pay him child support and did it gladly. She is 44 now. I remarried some time later but I recently lost my second husband of 25 years. He was 74 and I am 62. Since his death two years ago, I had to go back to work to pay bills naturally and debt that we accumulated. He had no life insurance due to on going health issues. We had a beautiful life with our wonderful two children who just graduating with honors from two exceptional universities. They have no children to date and are working and living on their own. I have put my life back together and I work many hours a week and come home very late sometimes. I enjoy what I am doing now. My problem is the first estranged daughter who has not been in our lives for over 18 years or more got herself pregnant some time back, maybe 13 years ago, I think twice by a guy who I think is a felon and may be currently in jail. She and her kids ended up living and mooching off his mother up north for many years until she wore out her welcome and left. On occasion, we would send her money to help her financially. She moved down here and mooched off her dad until he got tired of all her mental games and drug use and kicked her and her kids out. To my knowledge, she has never held a job! Just took from anyone she could take or swindle from with her story. She recently FB my sister with all the sob stories and lately, she has been trying to get me to talk to her, but I have refused to get back into her life or her children’s lives because she is nothing but trouble. She calls my work all the time. It is embarrassing. I have told her in no uncertain terms that I do not want to be in her life. I just want her to leave me alone and I don’t want to be in the children’s lives either. Her recent message to me was that I will be made to be responsible for her children if something ever happens to her and this will force me to be in their lives because the judge will respect her living will and force me to take custody. What rights do grandparents have that do not want this responsibility if it comes to pass. I do not know her current custody situation. Her husband’s parents are still alive I believe, as is her father. I really don’t want to talk to her at all. If anyone out there can tell me if grandparents, who don’t want custody of the grandchildren in this instance, will I be forced by a judge to do so. I know I need to speak to an attorney, but would appreciate anything someone may know about this kind of situation. I have raised children all my life, I just want to be left alone to enjoy the rest of my life the way I want to without any further obligation one way or the other. Thanks for any insight you may have in this area.
January 16, 2016 at 6:32 pm
Linda, no you cannot be forced by a court to take custody because she said so. She is making idle threats to worm her way to fresh pickings. You can get free legal advice at your county Bar Association. They will tell you how to speak with a attorney. Somethings are best left alone. Our story is 112 above. Ease your mind a speak with a attorney. Post your advice from the attorney….it may help the next set of parents. I wish you well…..
January 20, 2016 at 12:18 am
I stumbled onto this blog, I was looking for insight, about aging parents and lack of connection to their family esp grandchildren.. I’m 56 yrs old, and grew up in the age where were also, at our grandparents every Saturday night, while our parents heading out to dances etc. We stayed over and went to church with them next day. My grandmothers Mom died when my gr-ma was 12. She loved us dearly, totally devoted, and was upset when I was old enough to babysit my brother and myself at home.
My parents when they retired (at 50 & 55) moved to the cottage, 90 minutes away. While they were always good about pre-arranged babysitting needs, they were busy with their own lives. My Mom and I were close, and she wouldn’t go for longs periods without coming to see us and the kids, staying for a weekend. They lived at the lake, and we all flocked to see them in summertime.
Now. this is where the story grow dark.. My Mom died 9 yrs ago of cancer. My father has remarried, (2 yrs after), to a woman, who has 2 boys, who live away, and she never sees. she has 2 grandchildre, in Asia that she never sees. So she is totally removed from “family” so to speak. They marriage involves, Oct-April in Florida, and the line was uttered when they married, that they have their “own life”.. My kids are 24 & 26 now. They miss my Mom , as we all do, and now, it seems their grandfather, barely has the time for them. The new wife, expresses her distaste for stuff and references of his “old” life, as if it didn’t exist. It feels like with my Dad , “happy wife, happy life”. Many times they are “too busy” to stay for meals, visit etc. I don’t need babysitting, but my kids and his other grandkids, would like a call, or email, or FB, to maybe ask how they’re doing, what’s new.. To put it bluntly we are all pissed off. He’s 83, we had a wonderful family unit, when Mom was alive, but it seems like he just doesn’t give a shit now. And you know my Mom has hodgkins disease when I was 12, Dad said, we’d we fine, we all had each other.. holy crap. where is that Dad ? .. Mom’s totally stear the ship of life, and our Mom is gone, so is the family unit we knew.. I can hardly wait to be the grandma, to my grandkids that my mom and grandmother were.. they turned play into learning, they were supportive, and fun. I miss them every day..
March 23, 2016 at 11:52 am
Sorry for your loss. I think part of it is a man thing… It’s the women that tend to hold family together. When they are gone, men seem to drift away….
April 16, 2016 at 11:34 pm
My boy is almost 5 years old and Glam’ma refuses to watch him for an hour…. NEVER once watched him. Makes me so sad she does not want to know him.
April 17, 2016 at 2:04 pm
I just got totally wrapped up in reading these comments. As a mom of 3 with absolutely no family support, all I can think of is that I didn’t start a family for it to end with my children. I hope my children have babies, their babies grow to have babies and so on. I would have lived a fabulous life if I grow a family (kids, grandkids, great grandkids) that I can be a part of, and trusted to care for. It saddens me that some grandparents can feel they can check out after having raised their own. Families grow, and keep growing. Before i was even married or had kids I started a coin collection for my grandkids because having family is something I very much looked forward to. To me, being a devoted mom doesn’t end after raising your own kids.
May 20, 2016 at 1:43 am
I think this all comes down to each family members personality, and their life experience.
I have one 16 month old, and I already plan for more, and for THEM to have babies one day so that I can be a grandmother. My twenties were filled with parties, hot dates, drama, excitement, and a ton of life experience. So when I married my true love and had my daughter, I was ready to settle down. Even though there are sleepless nights and hard moments, she makes me feel important. All the “partying” and “friends” from before seems pretty trivial, and when I’m 60, I can see wanting a good balance of both, but the family part always
Coming first.
That being said, if a woman who is a grandmother today, got married and had kids young, and didn’t have much freedom or life experience, and didn’t get to enjoy dating, and hanging out with friends… I totally understand the glamma thing. Doesn’t mean I like it, but I get it. Maybe it’s kind of like what we refer to as a “mid life crisis” type of mentality.
Imagine being born in the 50s, getting married young to the wrong man, being a mother for 30 years, and then suddenly being free – having the Internet, flirting with men for the first time in your life? Imagine how liberating.
But I still believe, if one was a good mother, who had a close relationship with their kids, it would seem odd to not also be close with your kids kids. You can definitely have both, if you want to.
Kids, you can’t force a grandparent to be involved if they don’t feel it.
I have in-law nieces and nephews I never see, and don’t really care, because I just don’t really feel anything. Not close with the parents. Am I evil for that? No… If you have a parent that is completely neglectful to your child – are you really suprised? They were probably neglectful with you as well. Screw ‘em! Blood isn’t always thicker. Spend time with the people who want to spend time with your kids. And if your parents don’t, then you won’t have to feel guilty in 15 years if your kids don’t visit them.
June 7, 2016 at 11:05 pm
I’m glad I found this site! The thing that greatly bothers me about my mother, and the grandparents today, is that they put us children and their grandkids on the back burner. My mother hasn’t had to work in 20 years, and lives a life of luxury. She even begged for grandkids, and only has my 2 little ones! My children are well behaved and want so much for glamma to actually show some interest in thier lives! She and my step father complain if we ask to watch them just to go out for our anniversary, yet thier parents ALWAYS watched us! All the time! My mother’s mom practically raised me as a child, and now my mom can’t be bothered to do anything with her two grandkids? I’m very annoyed with the whole situation. Hubby and I never get a break. I have no siblings. So the kids have no cousins. They feel lonely often. I have to do it all while hubby works with no breaks! Glamma’ you really need to think about how your lack of interest in your grandchildren are going to affect them. Life would be so much happier if my parents were involved and had some fun with my little ones!!
August 18, 2016 at 3:43 pm
What is bothering you more, the lack of of interest, or lack of help? If it’s the fact they don’t babysit, well you can’t expect them to, especially if it’s not their biological grandfather. Hire a babysitter. If your husband works with no breaks I’m sure you can afford it. Once a grandparent feels like their presence is desired for more than just a favour, you will probably see them more.
My husband and I make a point every few Sunday’s to invite his parents over to visit their granddaughter, but when they come, we all hang out and visit together. I make a couple platters of snacks, we play with our little girl, shoot the breeze, and I know they adore it. Their other son only ever asks my mom in law to come over when they need a babysitter. If that was me, I’d feel pretty bad about that too.
September 14, 2016 at 11:38 pm
I am a grandmother of two now, my delima has always been this.
Everyone kept telling me WAIT UNTIL YOUR A GRANDPARENT it’s the best feeling EVER, well I’m still waiting. No one can uunderstand how I’m not stuck on the doorstep of my gkids, the reason is this, I DONT WANT OR NEED TOO.
I have so much I want to do in my life and living and breathing my gkids right now is not one of them.
Most parents get a weekly break from parenting, since when did becoming a parent entitle you to have an option of exhaustion. In my opinion and from what I’ve seen, grandparents who are submersing themselves into the gkids don’t have a life interest in themselves or with their adult partner
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October 18, 2016 at 2:09 am
I don’t even want my mother to babysit. I just want her to either ask us over or visit us. She has 2 grandchildren, my older sisters and mine. We both waited until around 30 to have children, married, have houses about 1 mile from each other and maybe 10 miles from our mom. She hasn’t seen my daughter since her 1st birthday in March with the exception of a funeral, it is now almost November. She has no problem bragging about having grandchildren and gets angry when our babies, both under 2, don’t recognize her.
I don’t need her to watch or babysit I just want her to call and say hi at the very least. I don’t go to her house because of the number of aggressive dogs, smoking, and construction debris all the time around their house ( I broke and cut my feet open on it multiple times as a child) I did try for the first year, every week for a year almost. I got tired of being the only one making any effort, so did my sister. We both are very hurt that our mother is all showy about the facebook pictures of grand babies but doesn’t actually care.
On the opposite side of this my in-laws on the other side of the country have both visited for several weeks total, and skype with grand baby every single week. It is difficult to justify my mother when I see this plus how often my grandparents were involved.
We aren’t looking for child care but I would like it if they cared at all.
October 31, 2016 at 4:32 am
We must state it; it is highly hypocritycal to say that, as a grandparent, you are under no obligations to see them.
Was the law the only thing forcing you be present when we were kids and you were the parent?
Go ahead and type away with your blogging companions. They will never be as happy as the grandkid smiling at his birthday in the arms of his grandparent.
It’s sad. I treat my employer better and i wouldnt dare hide away. When one of my parents call tho, i am animated by a sense of affiliation, happiness or concern and responsability, implication. A greater sense to live than just material fullfillness.
You know, we are family. Its not just a word and an iĺlusion. Its natural and read carefully. When we were more primitive, team work was very primary to survival and we thrived off it. You couldnt just go solo and make it out alive for long
Go ahead and dodge the calls, its very self serving and at the end of the day, it has an impact on anyone who has known or wanted better.
Is it vision, pride? Whatever it is, your presence is appreciated and you should not underestimate it. Sone grandparents are so fun, i have some great memories, one of them used to build me cars and boats, the other took me out because he wanted to!!
Incredible..whats so fun about tv and golf all alone?? I dont even want an answer. Its a new low.
February 16, 2017 at 9:57 pm
Oh and if you dont care, just dont have kids right?!
I am definitly not coming back here to read disturbing answers and comments. Sone of you are either antisocial, mildly autistic or simply abused drugs in the babyboomer era and had it all easily when your parents worked hard back then, than died.
Luckily its not a widely spread way of life, some people take care of themselves and family, not excluding grandkids or being conditional. Time to come back to earth for the others
February 16, 2017 at 10:04 pm
I’m 33. I think the answer is so simple: grandparents don’t want to be doormats (who does?), and parents feel bad if the grandparents don’t want to be involved.
So the answer is don’t use the grandparents as babysitters. Invite them over to visit, and spend time with you and your grandchildren together. That shows you aren’t taking advantage, you just want their company.
Who wants to feel like there is always an alterior motive with every visit? And if the grandparents is going to baby sit, it should be whatever house is more convenient for them, cuz they are doing the favour.
I am the first to admit I would rather host events at my house with my little kids there, than go to someone else’s house because then I feel like it’s not set up the way I want and I’m hovering the whole time. So if the grandparents feel better at their own home, why is that a big deal? I don’t understand what is wrong with hiring a baby sitter?
Would you treat your friend that way, expecting them to help at the drop of the hat every time? My mother in law would do that formula, but it’s because we don’t take advantage.
February 22, 2017 at 1:26 pm
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Jerry Bernstein
March 23, 2017 at 7:45 pm
Reading and taking in all your posts and replies has been interesting, but does it have to be all about babysitting? An involved Grandparent doesn’t have to babysit. It takes a Village to bring up a child, so it is a grandparents responsibility as their place in the family tree to be involved and influential in their grandchildren’s lives.
If your kids have grandparents who adore spending time and sharing their world with them, then you are very lucky. Lucky not just for the love that they bring your children, but for self worth they give them and the dependability that comes with having an unconditional loving grandparent.
I don’t want babysitters for my kids. I just want them to be apart of each others worlds, what ever that looks like.
My Mum would rather say a quick hello to my kids, then want to go out for coffee and cake. I have a daughter with a mild disability and it hurts me deeply that doesn’t try to make a connection into her world. I’m afraid actions speak louder than words in our case. I can only rise above by choosing to learn from her mistakes and not make them myself in the future.
April 25, 2017 at 9:46 am
I RAISED MY CHILDREN WITHOUT MY PARENTS HELP THEY RAISED THEIR KIDS AND THEY DID NOT WANT TO BECOME BUILT IN BABYSITTERS SO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN DON’T DO IT CANNOT EXPECT ANYONE ELSE TO STEP IN
May 31, 2017 at 8:32 pm
Lynne, right on – you said it….
July 2, 2017 at 3:13 pm
My friend had her first child as a teenager and that is the ONLY child her mother, who also started having kids as a teenager, will fool with. Hell Granny worships the kid so much that the now middle school aged girl has always lived in Granny’s house and the woman REFUSES to let her own daughter play an active role.
My friend now has younger children and one of her older brothers also has children, but their mother won’t give any of those grandkids the time of day. She even says that her son’s kids are just bastards NOT her grandchildren. My friend’s maternal grandmother disapproved of the mom having children with non-black men and wasn’t really involved and none of the paternal grandparents were involved with her and her siblings, so she really doesn’t know what a grandparent should and shouldn’t do. She DOES KNOW that it really hurts to see her mom flexing online with her daughter talking about how much she has to do for the little girl, then have her mom say no way when she asks if her mom can come with her younger brother and sister(who were still kids when oldest grandkid was born&helped raise) to see her and her sons or if she and her family can come home to visit. Her older brother doesn’t even TRY to get their mom to acknowledge or see his children anymore.
Da fuq a woman’s not even 50 yet and can’t spend no time or help with her grandkids?!
June 23, 2017 at 4:47 pm
1. Most grandmothers are closer to and more interested in their daughters’ children, because they know 100% that those children are legitimate blood and more frequently exposed to them. It makes perfect sense that your ‘friends’ mother would question legitimacy of her son’s children and have no heartfelt interest in them.
2. Your ‘friend’ KNEW her mother was a single parent with two younger kids to clothe, feed,and house when she got herself knocked up as a teenager. Yet rather than being thankful that her mother took on the burden of providing for another child and letting her get on with raising the grandkid as her own in peace, she moans that her mother won’t let her pretend to be Mommy Dearest. Her mother did NOT owe it to her to take care of her 1st kid, she could’ve just threw them both out on the street and focused on her own younger kids. But NO, instead she took food out of her own kids mouths in order to feed her 1st grandkid. So what if her mother isn’t interested in taking on any more burdensome grandkids? What makes these grandkids so special that she should inconvenience herself or go out of her way to see them? Why the hell were her older kids out having more kids when they KNEW that their mother was struggling to take care of her younger kids and an unwanted grandkid?
The sense of entitlement that this generation has never ceases to amaze me. Your kids are YOUR PROBLEM,FOLKS!!!
November 12, 2017 at 2:25 am
This is not my problem at all. I can be glam and be there for my grandchildren. My sadness is that I will never be able to watch any of my grandchildren play sports. Due to the techie world not only are they hooked on phones, computers, t.v., etc.. their parents think this is okay. They dont know how to say words to ther people or have a conversation with others. Its just hello, and goodbye. No sports saddens my heart. I’m heartbroken that my grandchildren will never enjoy the bond between grand parents and grandchildren. I cry a lot because I had no grand parents. I cry wishing I would of been able to meet my moms, mother she died very young.
December 23, 2017 at 2:53 pm
This seems to be a sign of the times. The Bible says in the last days that the love of many will wax cold. I don’t think that this is just a grandparent/grandchild thing, but relationships in general. We just don’t spend the time with each other that we once did. There are so many distractions this day in age that we have to combat to keep our relationships healthy. This is not a call to excuses but a call to open our eyes and see that time is precious. We need to put first things first and always keep this at the forefront of our minds. Don’t be quick to judge your parents, but look into your own lives and make sure that you are giving your relationships the quality time they need to thrive and flourish because the days are evil. Redeem the time and remember to give grace to those who are still allowing all the things around them to distract them from what’s most important. And most of all, pray for our society to wake up and for a fresh outpouring of God’s love to rekindle the love in our hearts for one another.
January 5, 2018 at 10:09 pm
Personally ive had bad experience both sides…
I was young mother had full on mental brake down post natal depression p.t.s.d manic depression and also had an operation during first year my childs life.. i begged my mum to help she reluctantly did but then would not give my child back because she had overly bonded with my child this resulted in a court battle went on for 22 months!! She told every lie to try to keep my child and i had to go through the ringer to prove she was lieing!… eventuay i got my chikd back but had years off interferience from her and her partner!.. too much involvement!..
I have anouther child whom has nothing to do with them they are not interested and i prefer it that way…
However my yougnest child is autistic and he see his grandparents every other sunday for the day…
This is a healthy relashionship for all 3 off them! They wont do anymore than that thats there choice..
I often feel very alone with my disabled child and really could do with more support and help..
But you just have to swollow it.. at end day if they dont wana be involved there loss!!
I had wonderful relashionship with both my nannys saw them regularly! What wonderful relashionship it us and can be… so all grandparents not bothering to be involved your loss your missing out watching your own blood growing up!
How you guna feel when your children are so resentful at you not showing intrest in there children and they may not want look after you in your older much older years… familys should stick together often they dont why we live in such a broken society…
February 20, 2018 at 3:19 am