What did you guys think of the article “Grandma Can’t Be Bothered” in the NY Times today? It’s about some modern-day grandmothers who don’t want to take care of their grandchildren:
Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, “feel they’ve put in their time,” Ms. Barash said. “They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they’re not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren.”
In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.
Those of you who have kids: Is your mom like this–or the opposite? And for the grandmas in the room, did you recognize yourself?
Thank you for sharing this. We don’t have kids yet but we’ve learned from the rest of the family that we should not expect much of the in laws in terms of being with the kids. It’s very sad to me that they’ve begged us all to make grandchildren but don’t spend any time with them. I thought perhaps it was depression but at least now I see it’s trendy. :(
March 5, 2009 at 3:59 pm
This makes me sad.
MY parents I clearly remember, took me and my sister to OUR grandma’s house almost every single weekend.
Now tHEY won’t return the favor.
You know, I totally understand that Grandparents are not meant to “raise grandchildren” (unless it is the last resort), and they are certainly NOT meant to have to take the “grandchild/baby” every single weekend either, or when mom and dad decides to throw the child at them.
HOWEVER…I do know times are changing, and OUR older generation of grandparents were mostly retired, and enjoyed their older years with grandchildren. Now sadly, many grandparents these days are working full time, and some are even having to raise grandchildren due to too many teenage pregnancies, etc..
But what about couples like me and my husband? Who both work, and never hardly ask anyone to babysit? His parents are divorced, and live very far away. HIS mother (my MIL), does NOT pay ANY attention to any of her grandchildre—according to HER they are all “a burden” most of the time.
But MINE are about 30 min away. They DO see my daughter (We only have one, and they have NO other “Grandchildren”, mind you. They DID want to see her more when she was a baby..but sadly, they always act like we are “bothering them” when she asks to spend the night (which is HARDLY EVER). She is 11 now…behaves VERY well, and never throws tantrums–EVER.
My mom is allowed to have “me time”..but I find it TRULLY insulting how they made ME stay at MY grandma’s house every weekend, so they can have “me time”..yet NEVER hardly wants to do the same for US.
They don’t even go out, THEY AVOID FRIENDS, other family members, etc.my dad is anit-social, and my mom just seems to always have an excuse for not wanting her over “not this weekend”..etc…almost EVERY weekend.
What’s worse, is the other day…she says to me..”I can’t wait until (My daughter’s name)–goes back to school so you and I can spend more “alone time” having coffee or go to the bookstore”….UGH…just made me so mad!! I turned and looked at her and said…”ummm excuse me mom..how about you focus more on “alone/bonding time” with YOUR grandaughter instead??”
See what I mean??????????
To make things worse–we were living out of state a few years ago, and she BEGGED us to move back to also be “close to her grandaughter”….and once we did…she HARDLY DOES AT ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about getting a grandchild’s hopes too high….this is ruining our relationship now.
July 24, 2010 at 1:48 pm
In response to MEME –
Your parents took you to visit your grandparents …. not the other way around.
Your parents taught you that it is respectful for an adult child (with children) to visit their parent. It is probably the same thing your grandparents taught your parents. And they passed on to you.
It seems you have dropped the ball.
I wonder what your children will learn from this.
April 5, 2011 at 9:27 am
To MEME again…
After reading further in this discussion board, I see that your parents didn’t actually visit their parents, but rather dropped you off and used their parents as a babysitter.
Sad. Not at all what I first thought.
Why do you want these parents to babysit your children?
April 5, 2011 at 9:36 am
My mom wouldn’t take care of her grandkids 24 / 7 for too long I think, but for an afternoon, a day or even the occasional week? Anytime. She’d pay to babysit her grandkids :).
March 5, 2009 at 4:25 pm
It doesn’t suprise me that as the “Me” generation is now old enough to be grandparents that they cannot be bothered because it may take away from their “me” time.
March 5, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Hey- we’ve done our time and taken care of our own kids- now you take care of yours- been there done that, not taking care of my grandkids….
June 21, 2010 at 2:32 pm
In the age of “helicopter parents” I don’t think this is very surprising. If you put ALL your energies into raising your kids to the exclusion of having your own life, of course you would want to be a glam-ma and be free of that responsibility when you are older. But wouldn’t it be better to live your own life all along?
March 5, 2009 at 5:27 pm
And now after (ahem) actually reading the article, I’ll amend that to include the moms of the current generation. Why should they expect their moms to “have something special planned” for the children and come over to cook/change diapers?
March 5, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Makes you wonder which generation is the “me” generation…
April 5, 2011 at 9:51 am
I can so relate to both sides of this story because I loved being a stay at home mom and love babysitting my children but my mom and her mom were both like the grandmother who liked to show she had grandchildren but didn’t have anything to do with them but my dad’s mom didn’t babysit us because the distance was too far but we knew she loved us and having us around, we didn’t feel like we were a bother. I know my mom loves my children and tried to get my children to understand that she just isn’t a hands on person like I was with them and I am with my grandson but children don’t really understand. I tried when my kids were little to include my mom in their lives and what was important to them but she just wasn’t interested. Unfortunately the result is that now that my kids are adults my mom would love to be in their lives but they aren’t interested. There is nothing I can do to make that bond happen but they do have that bond with my dad’s mom who was thrilled to have them visit and loved listening to them. So a couple of time a years even when they were in the teens we would travel to her home and visit. I feel sorry for my mom because missed out in watching some wonderful kids grow up but for me I have accepted her and love like she is and I hope my kids when they are a little older will too.
March 5, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I think there could be more to this than just the “ME” generation growing up. I’m in my thirties and I had my father’s mother who was a career woman and socialite involved in tons of activities who would drop anything to take care of my brother and I even though we lived over an hour away. My mother’s parents though would not do anything with my brother and I and had to be paid to take care of us, however with my other cousins, they gladly gave up their time and days to take care of them. I think it may say more about family dynamics rather than a completely selfish motive.
That being said, my mother would give anything to spend time with my children, however I cannot trust her to be responsible with them as she is an alcoholic. Luckily, my children have my stepmother and her mother as substitute grandparents who are more than happy to take care of them in a pinch.
March 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm
My wife’s parents are living out in the central part of the country (thank goodness). My parents live in the same city here in Spokane. My mom will keep and eye on the 2 youngest for a couple of hours if my wife and I want a quiet dinner once in a while but she is not up for anthing more than a couple of hours. Its really too bad that she doesn’t want to spend more time with them. Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, especially my grandpa, and now I have some wonderful memories of both of them. Unfortunately my kids will not have those same kind of memories. I have worked with people who have parents on both sides that will babysit the grandkids while mom and dad are both working and that is great to me. Those kids are having the type of relationship I only dreamed my kids would have. I know when my kids are having kids I will hopefully get to spend as much time as I want with them. It will be nice to spoil them and then be able to send them home to mom and dad.
March 5, 2009 at 7:06 pm
On the other hand….if YOUR parents took you to “Grandma;s house” almost every single weekend so they could have THEIR alone time when YOU were little” (like me and MY sister had to)..then that’s when your parents should return the favor. Especially since we never ask them to babysit hardly ever..but for them to always have some BS excuse why they can’t come over when THEY had MY grandparents take care of us now and then..THAT is not fair, and totally wrong. My mom even begged me to keep my pregnancy–even tho I was only 19 and was planning not to..glad I did..HOWEVER…she is totally a bs-er for wanting to be a “grandma” so bad–yet doesn’t want to actually DO IT. My dad also could “care less” and yes, they live together. They are lazy, never go out, have no friends. Yet they are too selfish to ask to take care of my daughter..and she is 11..NOT a baby anymore..so why not? She behaves VERY WELL too.
July 24, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Wow. My parents can’t enough of my nieces. It tears them up that they live so far away and get to see them but a few times a year. My grandma lived with my family for 12 years.
I’m a temp nanny and I’ve heard it a couple times – that they shell out the big bucks for my services because the grandparents have made it clear that they are not babysitters. Ouch.
March 5, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Grandparents have their own lives too- they have raised their families and dont always want to have kids around- get over it all you people out there who think your parents have nothing better to do than be with your kids- they have a life too- deal with it.
June 21, 2010 at 2:37 pm
They DO have their own lives..but if THEY got “their grandparents” to “babysit” for THEM..they should return the favor.
July 24, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Twenty years ago I use to complain to my friend that my mom very rarely looked after my children. My mom had made it perfectly clear that she could be counted on only as a last resort but that she was more than happy to be with the children when I was there. I would not only complain to my friend but also cry because I felt abandoned and I also felt that since my mom was alone she should welcome feeling part of my family.
On the other hand, this same friend who listened to me had a wonderful and devoted step-mother-in-law who would drop everything in order to take care of her two children.
Guess what though….I believe that after a while she took advantage of her generosity and used her for everything and anything. Need to wallpaper the living room? No problem, “G” would take the kids for the weekend. Need to run some errands, again “G” would step in. On and on it went .
I’ve seen both sides and now that my older two are in their twenties I really don’t know what type of grandma I’ll be. I’m not so quick to condemn my mom now.
March 5, 2009 at 11:38 pm
I have actually railed against one aspect of this for years.
Around here there are far, far too many grandchildren being raised by grandparents. As if it’s their obligation to do so and anyone who dares to say it isn’t is somekind of weirdo/commie/insert derogatory comment here.
I disagree. I raised my four with my wife. And while raising them if we needed a night/weekend off or out we paid for a trusted babysitter. Of course, being several hundred or a couple of thousand miles away might have had a bit to do with it – ex militay.
I didn’t beg anyone to have any children, and when a couple of them did I made it plain that we had done our time and would not raise them. An overnight stay (because the wife has to be happy), yeah. Some afternoons and stuff, okay. But we have lives now and I have always failed to see why anyone thinks that the grandparents are built in babysitters. Yes, family is family and I can hear the thoughts now “if they really loved us they’d do this”. However, maybe if the children loved the parents they wouldn’t be so quick to try and take advantage of the situation. Yeah, it sucks when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn’t it?
March 6, 2009 at 11:13 am
I do not think it is the responsibility of the grandparent to be “on call” for babysitting or to take on the responsibility of raising the children, however….my mother-in-law lives an hour away and can not be bothered to come and visit. We have ALWAYS had to pack everything up and go to her when she felt it was time to see her grandchild. She and her husband are both retired and in good health and yet their lives are too busy to make a trip to us. Unfortunately my parents live several states away but they come and visit, at least once a year.
I admit I get jealous of my friends who have family member who love to see their grandchildren and offer to have the kids occasionally spend the night so mom and dad can have some grown up time or will step in an help out on a snow day so parents don’t have to take another day off work…..it must be nice to have supportive family members close by. Yes I am bitter. I don’t want her to be at my beck and call I just wish she would show some more caring and interest.
March 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I don’t understand why this has to be a judgement, as though one type of grandparent is better than another. It’s totally dependent upon the specific family. My cousin lived with my grandmother his whole life, and I went to her house every day after school and stayed until after family dinner, also prepared by gram. It was fantastic. But it wasn’t that my mother or aunt were taking advantage of her — and she knew that, and she happily stepped into help because she’s of a family that just assumed everyone would pitch in to raise all extant younger generations. That doesn’t make her a stoolie. Neither, however, are grandparents who value their own, separate lives mean-spirited. It just depends on the family dynamic and it’s unfair and useless to try and hash out how grandparents “should” be, because, I suppose, they “should” be however they are.
March 6, 2009 at 12:55 pm
As a grandmother, I can tell you I love all the time I can get with my granddaughter. I also don’t mind babysitting ON OCCASION so my son and his wife can go out to dinner. However, I don’t feel I should be made to feel guilty or it be insinuated I don’t care enough for my grandchildren if I say no. My husband and I still work full time and we have things to take care of after work and on weekends. I want my grandchildren to know us and us them. I don’t want to raise them. I think there is (or should be) a middle ground. The “me” generation as one correspondent put it, has raised its children and is ready to ASSIST the next generation…not do it for them.
March 6, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Right on!!
June 21, 2010 at 2:40 pm
I totally agree!!! I am a stepgrandmother with an 11yr old of my own to raise. I am not a babysitting service. Come visit, bring them and stay, but I am not a nanny, I am a mom too with volleyball, basketball and many other responsibilities. If I can do it everyday so can you.
March 25, 2011 at 2:53 pm
You know I don’t think it is about one type being better than the other but Lynn boiled it down to the heart of it. Whether the parents showed any interest at all in the children. My dad’s mom never babysat us but we knew she loved us unconditionally and showed it when we visited but my mom’s mom just wasn’t interested in us. I know now as an adult she loved us in her own way but she wasn’t interested in us. My mom is like her mom and I am more like my dad’s mom. It hurts when someone you love isn’t interested in your child……
March 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm
get over it.
June 21, 2010 at 2:41 pm
I don’t think I could judge either way, since each individual family has their own set of circumstances. But I know that my own mother is so ready for grandchildren (she has none yet, and I’m the front-runner among my two sisters) that she has offered to move closer to wherever my fiancee and I finally settle down, so that she CAN babysit more if we want her to. However, she maintains that it will be OUR decision, since she would not want to impose. Coincidentally, my future mother-in-law actually wants to build a second house on her property for us to move into (not happening).
March 6, 2009 at 2:32 pm
My Mother lives with us and she watched the kids for us during the day while we are at work. She loves doing it most days, and others, not so much. Just like parenting. We pay her $400.00 a month and room and board. She enjoys being with the kids and loves being a part of our household. On the other hand, My Mother in Law also live with us (until April 1st) and does nothing with the kids. Well, she does less with my Son and works with my daughter on MIL’s laptop and colors with her but does no interacting with my son at all. I just think that it is the type of person that they are. My Mom was not fantastic as a Mother but is great as a grandma and my MIL was not a great Mother and is a awful Nana.
March 6, 2009 at 3:24 pm
My parents are about to be grandparents for the first time and they’re terrified that they’re not going to see their grandson much. My brother lives over an hour away and his wife’s parents are right around the corner from them. Their greatest wish is that we’ll come to see them often with our kids. They’ve already baited us with, “you guys can go out for the night and have some alone time and we’ll babysit!”. I don’t expect my parents to raise my children. They’ve done their job. I do expect them to be there to love my children. I want my parents to be as important to my kids as my grandparents were and are to me.
March 6, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I have 2 sets of parents (my biological parents divorced and re-married when I was 5). My issue is the difference that one set makes between the grandkids. The dad/step mom set rarely do anything with my son. They have a son (my half brother) and will baby sit his 18 month old all the time but for some reason can never keep my 8 year old because her back, knee, or foot hurts… come on – which is easier on the aches – an 18 month old that needs constant attention or an 8 year old that needs a couple of match box cars and an area rug with a pattern??
March 6, 2009 at 11:07 pm
i’m only 37, but i can tell you, if my 14-year-old daughter chooses to have children someday, i’d love to look after the little angels! well, as long as they sit still, stay quiet and don’t need to eat. or defecate. what fun!
March 6, 2009 at 11:18 pm
reality ck lady.
June 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I’m 57 years old, work 20 hours per week, and raised four of my own who are now: 21, 23, 24 and 33.
I LOVE to spend time with my 28 month old grandson.
He and my oldest daughter live 50 miles away and do not have a car.
I have driven to help out and babysit him many times.
I can’t wait for the time when he will come and stay with me for a few days at a time. He will always be welcomed warmly at my home.
When CJ looks into my eyes and calls me “Mema”, it’s the sweetest thing in the world to me.
Some people don’t realize the blessing they’re missing.
March 7, 2009 at 7:18 am
The article seemed really extremist. On one end, there was the g’ma who couldn’t be bothered more than every few months, while on the other end, there was the set of parents complaining about paying for daycare. Both situations, IMNSHO, are extremist.
I don’t think that most parents expect grandparents to be unpaid nannies on call 24/7 in most situations–they’d just like an occasional offer (or knowledge that it’s okay to ask) for a night off during the month for g’ma to babysit her grandkids instead of getting the usual babysitter. That is NOT taking advantage or having the older generation “raise” the grandkids. I don’t think asking 4-6 hours a month is taking advantage by any means, nor will any person die of boredom in that amt. of time. Kids are boring. I’m a SAHM, I get it. But a little bit of g’parent and g’kid time is good for everyone involved–grandparents, grandkids and the parents.
Grandparents who make it abundantly clear they do not want to be involved AT ALL or help AT ALL may well find themselves sitting alone for 3+ months on end 20 years from now, when their health/age makes them too old to be “glam” and “hip” and their children and grandchildren have the same attitude towards them (ie–old people are boring, we have nothing in common, it’s time for me to do my life, g’ma got to do it, so should I, etc etc). A bit harsh, yes, but definitely something this “too busy to be bothered even once a month” grandparents should think about. If they are okay with this, fine. But deep down, many most likely will not be. Just something to consider. Karma will come ’round.
Just to clarify–I’m only defending the reasonable parental requests (such as one night a month or afternoon a month or ER situations in situations where it’s feasible), not parents who take advantage and expect the 24/7 stuff.
March 7, 2009 at 10:39 pm
That article is really sad. I don’t see why a grandma can’t be “glam” and enjoy her life but still love and enjoy spending time with her grandchildren! My parents, who live nearby, love my baby son so much and spend as much time with him as they can. My in-laws live a few states away and I know my mother in law wishes that we were closer- she hates missing out on his life. Both my husband and I have great memories of spending time with our grandparents growing up, and I’m glad to know our children will have a great relationship with their grandparents, too.
March 7, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Looks like my granny was ahead of her time! Right after I was born my grandmother, who’d never worked before, went out and got a job. She told my mother she’d raised 5 and wasn’t interested in doing it again!
If I’d been a boy it would have been a different story, but after 4 girls (the youngest of whom was still in college and living at home) my gran was officially fed up.
March 8, 2009 at 5:40 am
Right on!! ITs not grandma’s job anymore
June 21, 2010 at 2:59 pm
I saw the children of one stepchild twice this weekend! I love being grandma, but babysitting is exhausting. One thing that is sad is that we are all talking about dropping the kids off so grandparents can babysit. That is often the most, if not all, time they get with the children. When I was a kid my one grandma babysat me all the time, but we still visited as an entire family. She could enjoy me and still have my parents look after us, which is a different situation than babysitting. So many adult children don’t do that – and read all these messages prior to mine: mom won’t BABYSIT so she doesn’t get to know the kids. What a shame the whole family can’t visit each other. And here’s something that may be unwelcome news: some adult children think they are doing right by withholding their children from grandparents against whom they are nursing grudges and then get worked up because their children don’t get attention. I know that hurts, but some young adults don’t realize they’re just shitheads.
March 8, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Oh dear lord no- my mother would willing raise my child if we let her… she gets mad at me if i don’t call her to babysit often enough 0_o
March 9, 2009 at 1:30 am
I’m at work right now, and my MIL is at home with my two boys. She offered – but we still pay her (albeit far less than we were paying the daycare.) We only have her for a year though, then she wants to enjoy her retirement. So, that means in August (the cutoff) we’re shelling out $2,000 per month in daycare costs. That is nearly my entire income, but I can’t afford to quit and lost my benefits (health insurance, etc.)
It’s tough out there for a pimp these days.
March 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I don’t have kids yet, but have heard that this is the case with my in-laws. I have to say, who can blame them? They already did the parenting thing and are now embracing their empty nest lives – getting out with friends, going to dinner / shows in the city, traveling. Especially my mother-in-law, husbands used to be much less involved in helping out with the kids than they are now. She raised three boys and did a really great job, so I think she can spend some time shopping and lunching with friends, she’s earned it!
March 10, 2009 at 10:43 am
As a stepgranmother with a preteen of my own, the realization that the someday when my daughter went to college and I got my husband back to myself for albiet a few years while she was off to colllege was shattered when I became a stepgrandmother. Now I see our spare time I hoped we’d spend “honeymooning” spent raising his grandkids and getaways I thought would finally just be us…will be likely spent at seaworld and disney. We’ve been there done that, we never got a real honeymoon or will we ever worry about “emptynest” syndrome I guess. He comes from a large family and is expecting me to just eat this up, but as an only child I just want it too be us- for just a littlewhile like normal married families. My husband thinks everything we do should include them even at the expense of taking away from special time we should spend raising our daughter together-not making her disrupt her life and activities because the “grandkid” needs a sitter so the world stops.
March 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm
finally, someone who has it right!! Grandma has been there done that, its not her job to raise the grandkids
August 2, 2011 at 10:17 am
I think it all just depends. I grew up in a super Irish Catholic family, so my grandmother on my mother’s side considered it unthinkable to not come over a few times a week to play with my sister and I – and she never trusted “those college girl” babysitters that my mother hired to watch us when she had to go out. My father’s mother – a German woman who was widowed early in life – was a little different. She liked to have pictures of us around and bought us presents but she never really was into the idea of diapering and babysitting and whatnot.
March 10, 2009 at 11:01 am
I don’t have kids, but my sister does. My parents would kidnap the babies if given a chance hehe. Anytime the kids are there my sister doesn’t have to do anything, my parents happily do all the feeding and nappy changing.
My maternal Grandparents would babysit us or have us visit any chance they got, while my paternal set didn’t really seem to care, as a result the person I’m closest to in the whole world is my maternal Grandmother and from the time I was 15 (when my parents stopped making me go for visits with them) until my paternal grandparents died I saw them probably 10 times, at family weddings and funerals.
March 10, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I have a 5 yr old son and my parents are always willing to help out. He is 1 of 8 grandkids on my side of the family and my mother longs to see the grandkids more than she does. They do help in emergencies and from time to time ask to have them spend the night with them, but if they have plans, they speak up and tell us. No harm, no foul. I would never expect for my parents to raise him, although it helps that they do correct any wrong-doing he might do while he is with them. He loves them to pieces and will even pick up the phone and call his Nonna and Poppa to tell them what he is doing and they are always available to hear his comments. And love doing so! That being said, my mother-in-law is the exact opposite. She is a very self-centered person (my husband says she was like that as a mother too!) and only does things when it is convient for her (even taking care of her own parents!). It took me a few years to come to the conclusion that she was not going to be the kind of grandparent I thought she should be. Once I got over that hurdle, I realized that it was her loss. She is the one that misses out on see her grandkids (she has 2 others) do wonderful things and grow up! Not me, not my husband, and not my son. He has questioned why she isn’t around as much his Nonna, but since she has not always been a big part of his life, he doesn’t seem to notice. And there are even times when he doesn’t really know who she is, like when its been a long time since he’s seen her. But again, it is her loss, not my worry. He’ll turn out to be a fine young man with or without her.
March 10, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I’m wondering if maybe this phenomenon is related to childfreedom. Now, women have the ability to decide they don’t ever want kids. It’s still seen as “odd” and is hard to get folks to accept (look at all the docs who won’t sterilize women because “they’ll change their minds”) but there are support systems and it’s a more open subject.
Perhaps these glam-mas didn’t exactly *want* kids of their own. It was just what you did in their day, it was the social lifescript women were given and it didn’t seem that there were options. So, fast foward to decades later and these women are free to live their lives as they choose. And they choose not to raise more kids, even the kids of their kids.
Seems sensible to me.
‘Course, I’m a sterilized late-20something childfree person who (obviously) never wants to parent or grandparent kidlets. Still, I think it makes a good amount of sense, knowing how society works as far as reproduction is involved.
March 11, 2009 at 12:09 am
I think that’s a really good point. We have to realize that even now for a woman to say “I don’t want kids” can cause a lot of confusion, so imagine what it did to the previous generation! Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and if they didn’t want to do it once, they probably resent the ongoing demands of the job. I think that’s fair!
July 4, 2010 at 11:12 pm
I agree with M.. what if the grandma didnt want to be a parent in the first place, but because of ‘societal pressures’ she had to be and now wants her own life. I dont think g’parents should be required or relied upon as a babysitter. They want to enjoy themselves too and they can now the kids are gone. I dont remember staying a lot at my g’parents house. I think her 6-kids sucked it out of her and her 12-g’kids were just enough for her to handle w/o going insane. My parents are g’parents and they have not offered to host the g’child. They enjoy their peace/quiet too.
March 18, 2009 at 11:43 am
I am not a grandma/glamma yet but this describes how I feel. I left all of my creative endeavours off my to do list while I raised my three boys and am now enjoying my freedom. I am never bored but I am longing to be a glamma with the luxury of sending the little darlins home after a few hours.
April 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I really don’t understand why the young people of today if they decide to have children with or without a partner expects their
mothers to take over the caring of their offsprings.
There is a saying “been there, done that, have the Tee shirt”
These grandmothers brought up their children and in lots of cases
without any support from their parents and even their paartners.
Mother Nature for a very good reason does not allow women to get pregnant in their 60′s
Life goes in cycles and their is nothing written which says women have to keep caring for others till death.
If children want to have children then it is entirely up to them how they deal with it and must be taught at school that when you have kids your life is over for the next 18 years unless you are born male
May 20, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Right on Sister
June 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm
amen
March 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm
right on sista!! AMEN
August 2, 2011 at 10:21 am
I have news for some of you folks.My wife and i raised two great kids,we are now retired and quite frankly have had enough of raiseing kids.We love our two grand kids and spend good time with them both,but raiseing kids is just one single thing we all can do with our lives.After 46 years of working,we are retired and choose to spend the remaining years of our lives seeing new things and meeting new people,not raiseing more kids.Freedom I think is what we cherish,fight and die for and spending an entire lifetime just raiseing kids is,well…not freedom for some of us.
June 28, 2009 at 3:29 pm
AMEN!!!
March 25, 2011 at 3:12 pm
My kids haven’t had grandparents for 15 years, since they were 4 and 6 years old. They don’t really understand what it means to have an “extended” family that loves them. All they have is us, the parents. No cousins. My husband and I don’t have friends, we have a few acquaintances. That’s life. ANY decent grandparents, even for a couple hours a week, would have been a blessing for our kids. So, folks, it could be worse in other words. Do try to be grateful for whatever extended family and friends you do have.
June 28, 2009 at 5:37 pm
My parents can barely remember their grandchildren’s birthdays, much less spend time with them. For my daughter’s birthday they stuck a sticky note in the card that said they had a present for her at their house. They live 45 min away but wouldn’t call or come see her for her birthday.
June 28, 2009 at 6:01 pm
The major theme being discussed here seems to be childcare…I don’t think that was entirely what the article meant…some grandparents just don’t seem to take ANY interest in the grandkids at all. When my mother comes to visit which has only been twice in the last four years, she stands at the edge of the room and just looks at my two kids as if they are aliens. She does not really talk to them unless it’s in some singsong sort of voice, with questions that are totally age-inappropriate, and certainly has never attempted to play with them. I would never dream of asking her to babysit since the last time she visited when she asked if she could put her liquor bottle in the brown paper bag under the baby’s highchair in the kitchen for easy access…she figured no one would notice it. She treated those visits like as if she was on a vacation, we live in Massachusetts and she lives in Maine, not that far apart really. When we go to visit her, if we run into neighbors or acquaintances of hers when with her, she acts all the bigshot as if she is so chummy and proud of her grandsons, but alone with us, she does not seem to care. And this all happens when we the parents are there too, it has nothing to do with her babysitting, as if she ever would. This all hurts hugely, and I personally resent her behavior and haven’t learned how to deal with it, especially since my husband’s parents are all dead and we have no family nearby. My mother cares more/talks more/buys more for her three pedigreed cats than her grandkids. My father, thank God, although divorced from my mother and loony half the time from his undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia, is always asking about the boys and their interests. ..but again, we can’t trust him to help out actively in their welfare. i so envy all these families where the grandparents enjoy their grandkids.
August 21, 2009 at 2:16 am
I think the problem is that parents think that if the grandparents don’t want to be involved in childcare, it is lack of interest. Grandparents seem to be judged on what they “give” and their time is precious to them too!
My daughter just found out she is pregnant. I have always told them if they wanted children, have them for themselves as I nurture children every day in my job and do not suffer from that late life need to nurture again as a grandparent to feel “complete”. I am happy for her and while I know this isn’t a timed pregnancy they will be fine.
How involved do I want to be? Luckily I am out of state so I don’t have to feel like I am a terrible person if I have my own life to live and not be there for constant interaction. Plus his mom will be a great conventional grandmother so they will have that in their life. I am great with kids, love them and I am sure will treasure this child. But I don’t want to build my life around bein a grandparent. I am now 60, this is my first grandchild and this is a time I want to use my spare time to travel with my husband, not babysit. Children need lots of visits to form that bond and I don’t want to spend what little money we have to do those trips. I’d rather spend it on us and doing the things we always planned.
I don’t know why we have to feel like there is something wrong if we don’t want to be intricately involved. When I am there, I will be there in whole heart and spirit but it won’t be enough time to build the bond that kids need to feel close. I understand from reading these posts that grown kids are upset that parents ignore their kids. But I also wonder, being someone who works with kids, how many times it happens because the children are whiney, disrespectful, give me breakdowns, in other words, the children lack some real discipline and grandparents just rather not be around them rather than voice their opinion and get yelled at.
I will be an ok grandmother because I have love to give but I have no desire to be super grandmother. And I’m fine with that. the article is just saying this generation has a chance to travel and do things in retirement their parents never had so the role playing is different. We gave a lot to our kids and now want to enjoy our senior years too. I don’t see the problem….
October 8, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I AGREE!! ITS NICE TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN OUT THERE WHO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO.
June 21, 2010 at 3:04 pm
I am so jealous of my friends who live near relatives and have ‘built-in’, loving sitters in the form of grandparents. Because of my husband’s job, I have never been blessed to live near family and to don’t feel comfortable hiring a teenager as babysitter for a whole day outing or weekend overnight trip with my husband…I think that is too much responsibility for a teen. I say built-in not from the standpoint of full time care while I work, but from the ability to plan a break from the tiring and sometimes mind-numbing job of being a stay at home mom with no local support system. I would give anything to take a vacation with my husband sans kids or even be able to go on a whole day outing or overnight jaunt to do something adult rather than child oriented. I am expected to travel “home” for holidays with the kids and am always on tap to “entertain” the parents when they come to visit, but the reciprocation of one night out to a movie when they are visiting really doesn’t go very far toward giving me a “break”. I wonder what the parents will expect from me when they get to the point where they want to move closer to me because THEY need care or companionship…probably a lot more than they have been willing to do for me. It really is a two way street.
November 16, 2009 at 2:27 pm
OMG! Thanks for this article. My son’s grandmother is glam-ma. She shows no interest in my son and doesnt even call him on his birthday. This has hurt me very much throughout my son’s life especially because we never ask nothing from her and all I ever wanted was for her to be involved in his life as a grandmother….Its sad this is her ONLY grandchild and she rarely sees him but lives and works in the same town. She claims she loves him so much but i think she is a fake. Heartless is all i can say!!!!
November 25, 2009 at 2:09 pm
My mom lives 2 time zones away and we figured regular weekly webcam meetings would help our daughter get to know her Glam-ma. But now our church schedules have changed on Sundays and a webcam meeting would require her to wake up at 6:30am on Sunday morning as opposed to 7am. Her church doesn’t start until 9am and it only takes 15 minutes to drive there. She says that getting ready the night before is too difficult and getting up 30 minutes early is out of the question. I work fulltime and go to school partime so it’s the only time I can fit her in. She doesn’t work and compares me to my sister who stays at home with her kids and calls her during the day all the time. I’ve been completely independent and on my own since I was 18 and have never ask her for anything. I’m not asking for a grandma babysitter, just a 30 minute webcam once a week. She loves to make this my fault but I feel like she has a more flexible schedule, why doesn’t she care enough to do something so cheap and simple? I can only control my own actions so I’m vowing to be the obsolute opposite grandma when get old. I’ll visit so often they’ll begin to think my grandchildren are my own!!
January 31, 2010 at 11:00 am
It sounds as though grandma needs to fit your schedule. “….it’s the only time I can fit her in….” And when she doesn’t – she’s the inflexible one?
Kettle, I hear the pot calling!
Are you saying out of a given week, you only have 30 minutes at 6:30am on Sunday morning for Grandma talk-time? Really???
How important is this conversation to you – or is it more obligatory on your part?
If it’s important to you find a time that works for Grandma. If it’s not important enough to do that, quite your……..
April 5, 2011 at 9:43 am
I have a mom who always says she wants to get together, yet whenever I try and secure an actual date, she never gets back to me. It might be 2 months before I hear from her again, by then it has blown over and she thinks I’ve forgotten so she goes through the ‘let’s get together’ thing again then never follows through. She never sees my kids (except once a year for christmas maybe), she literally has only been to 2 of 8 birthday parties. Yet, every time she sees us she pours on the sweetness; “Oh honey, let me see you, I’ve missed you soooo much”, etc. etc. etc. It has gotten to the point that I am disgusted when I see her. If she missed us she would see us more. She didn’t show up to my daughters birthday party, in fact she didn’t even rsvp! My daughter doesn’t even know who she is and that is not an exaggeration. When she sees her she has to tell her that she is ‘grandma’. She is basically of the mindset that ‘she has done her time’ and though she is very nice when she sees us I feel as though it is all show. I am a sahm, I am not wanting someone to raise my kids for us but I don’t trust many people to watch my kids, and since my mom is basically out of the equation we rarely go out. Maybe once or twice a year. It is really hard to never have any time with my husband apart from the kids. I have tried talking to her (not about this but other things) in the past and she is the type that tries to turn everything around and blame the other person. She doesn’t fight fair. She accepts no responsibility. She has another grandchild that she sees once or twice a year also. I am just so disgusted by her behavior. I’m not expecting a grandparent to raise my kids but honestly once a month would help me out so much. I just don’t understand why a grandparent could care less about their own grandchildren. I’m glad I found this site so I could at least vent a little.
February 27, 2010 at 6:41 pm
I have to say something here. Just because a grandparent wants to have there own life don’t mean there selfish. Your being pretty selfish to think that just because you have kids that everyone else should take part in raising them. Grandparents are not built in babysitters. You chose to have children it is your job to take care of them. It doesn’t take the village to raise the children it takes two good devoted parents and sometimes even just one. If you can’t afford to raise them and spend time with them then maybe you shouldn’t have them. Its a big responsibility. I have 3 boys all older now no grandchildren yet. I saw my mother who raised 7 kids taking care of my sisters kids when they worked for nothing and I don’t care that is not right. A grandparent should be in a childs life yes and spend quality time with them but on there terms not yours.
June 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Exactly!!! I firmly believe that tey do want to spend quality time with the child they just dont wanna raise the kid child more than the mother herself. !!! And Grandmas do Need their “ME” time! Give her a brake!
June 21, 2010 at 5:27 pm
The problem with that obviously when you said..”If you can’t afford to take care of the child…do not have them”….how about teenagers or young mothers who WANT to terminate their pregnancies–yet their MOTHERS “won’t sign” for them to do so?
How about mom’s who brainwash you into “being so happy to have my first grandchild”!! then never want to see them?
That is what most of us are talking about here.
July 24, 2010 at 2:08 pm
I agree with you 100%.
June 21, 2010 at 3:05 pm
My mother had a demanding job while my kids were little but she was still a fantastic grandmother. I had occasion to look through pictures a few weeks ago and there were so many of my mother playing with them, taking them somewhere wonderful, helping with a birthday party, or doing something else loving with and for my children. My older daughter took her first steps to her “Gram.”
We had a meeting point for years at the 40-mile midway point between our houses where I would drop the girls off and they would go have a fabulous weekend with her. They adored her, and even defended her very terrible cooking to me. She would still love to have her grown-up granddaughters sleep over.
I may (and do) have some complaints about my own upbringing but there is nothing bad I can say about how my mother has done her time as a grandma. Whatever floats your boat, of course, but I think the uninterested grandparents are missing a lot of fun and love.
June 22, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Why in the world does a Grandmother need to participate. I intend to buy gifts and see the kid once or twice a year.
July 4, 2010 at 3:26 am
I hope that my own mother does turn out to be a “Glam-ma” when I do have kids. I love my mom dearly, but she has an eating disorder that she will not address and that she passed on to my sister, and to a smaller extent, me. My sister is now in and out of care because she has a hard time allowing herself to eat enough food. I worry that my mother’s constant nagging at meals about how much everyone is eating will do the same thing to my own kids when I have them. Maybe if my mom finally takes enough time to herself she can learn to get relax and get better in her own way, too.
July 4, 2010 at 11:26 pm
I too am jealous of friends who have all their parents spend time with their grandchildren.
No one is saying grandparents don’t deserve “me time”…but if they had the luxury of their parents spending time with their children so they can have “adult time”, then that needs to be also brought up.
especially if your parents BEG you to have a grandchild….that is what seems to be happening in some cases. MY parents did that, yet are too lazy and unwilling to do so after the fact.
Really sad…family these days has “no value” like they did back in the days. And then people wonder why you have only one child and refuse to have more? Hmmm..well, we arn’t stupid enough to bring anymore kids in this world around more family members who teach them that family values are nothing these days. Don’t get me wrong…you should only HAVE a child because YOU want to, and are READY to–regardless of grandparents. But what the heck are we supposed to think when OUR parents gave us to “grandma/grandma” ALL the time when WE were young?
Bottom line–if your son/daughter is pregnant–PLEASE do “tell them honestly” BEFOREHAND that you plan on “taking the grandkids only once in a blue moon” before feeding them bs and making it sound like family really cares.
Because who hurts later on…is the GRANDKIDS.
MY mom has a way with making comments about taking her somewhere, or letting her spend the night–INFRONT of her mind you..only to then shoo her away and tell her “not this weekend” almost EVERY weekend!! Enough is enough!
On the otherhand, my mom is obese, depressed, and likes to see anyone else struggle probably because she is jealous that my life is filled with business and friends, and she uses this as a backfire. She even made some silly rude comment about a young co-worker who is in her 20′s who just had a baby–and she laughed saying..”ohh well HER parents are going to babysit anytime for her so she can go to work.”..also laughed when her other co-worker was having a “girl”..she said..”good, then she will know how hard it is, won’t she?” She is said it like she couldn’t wait to see her “struggle with a daughter”….makes me sad..she thrives on other people’s struggles, or hopes they will. I don’t understand her tho..SHE and my dad BOTH had HELP with their parents ALL THE TIME…
July 24, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I am new at being a grandmother and totally love it! That being said, I also work full time, and live about an hour away from my grandchild. For the first year of my grandchild’s life, I took him home with me to spend one or two nights every weekend, so his mom could get a little sleep. For the second year I have had him every other weekend. I adore him and I know he loves me. I absolutely know that my child appreciates me and loves all the time I spend with my grandchild. Now my question to all mothers of small children: What would be the ideal amount of time and at what intervals for the grands to take the children? I can see because of work that I am not going to be able to do the amount of time I’ve been doing. I have no grandparents in my past to model my behavior on, and my child had no grands in his life either. So what is, if you could have just what you wanted, the perfect grandparent-grandchild “schedule”? I will still be living an hour away, just working more. Thank you for any input!
April 1, 2011 at 6:36 am
I think there are many dynamics involved in the incidence of grandparents not wanting involvement with their grandchildren. We must consider at least some of them before we judge ANY individual situation. Research shows that there is a lower prevalance of depression in women who have had babies and recieved significant support from the mother/grandmother of child. Something in fact that my mother told me before the birth of my beautiful son.
From a subjective perspective, my mother was the first person to find out about my pregnancy. She started to tell people about it which put the pressure on for me to continue with natures’ plan, knowing full well if I continued I would be a single mother. I was promised support but my parents divorced and long story short, it didn’t come into fruition. My son is two this week and he barely knows who is grandma is (she dosn’t want to be called grandma, she has yet to think of a name). Up until I had my son we had a fairly good relationship.
I asked her to help out when I was ill the other week and she said no. She relishes saying no in fact, and after she says no she says, now you know what I had to put up with. She laughs and says hard work isn’t it. Loaded remarks like that are passively abusive and completely unwarrented. My mother had help from my nan when myself and my brother were small. My mother also regularly asks to look after my brothers step daughter, overnight. She has had my son once overnight in his two years. I have no respite. I perceive this as a dysfunctional rejection from my mother. She has empty nest synrome or something.
Objectively I think that she (my mother) is part of the ME generation. There I said it. She has botox and denies her age. She has deep age related insecurities and is becoming almost personality disordered in her grandma aversion. And those granparents on here who have vocalised similarly about the new parents who are in some cases struggling and asking for help from their parents, I can only interpret this as classic projection. Young parents are not selfish when they ask significant and trusted others (ie their parents) to help take care of the most precious thing in the world to them. They are simply asking for help. for experience, for guidance and understanding. This is basic human nature and it’s how we evolve! Please lets not lack in compassion and deny this empathic fact!
Lets not forget that we are all part of the ME generation, it’s what the media pushes. It would be ageist and inconsiderate to presume that todays grandparents are immune from it too. Ha :)
June 20, 2011 at 9:22 pm
recently it was my sons 18th birthday and i invited my mom and dad over for the ocassion they didnt come or even call they could care less they have always not cared about him or pretty much none of the grandkids it hurts us all . Im so tired of forgiving there mean ways , they are in there seventys so I feel guilty but havent spoke to them in 2 weeks, am I wrong?
July 26, 2011 at 11:53 am