Grandma Can’t Be Bothered?

What did you guys think of the article “Grandma Can’t Be Bothered” in the NY Times today? It’s about some modern-day grandmothers who don’t want to take care of their grandchildren:

Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, “feel they’ve put in their time,” Ms. Barash said. “They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they’re not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren.”

In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.

Those of you who have kids: Is your mom like this–or the opposite? And for the grandmas in the room, did you recognize yourself?

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    • 1.  Lesley

      Thank you for sharing this. We don’t have kids yet but we’ve learned from the rest of the family that we should not expect much of the in laws in terms of being with the kids. It’s very sad to me that they’ve begged us all to make grandchildren but don’t spend any time with them. I thought perhaps it was depression but at least now I see it’s trendy. :(

      March 5, 2009 at 3:59 pm

      • 1.1  MEME

        This makes me sad.

        MY parents I clearly remember, took me and my sister to OUR grandma’s house almost every single weekend.

        Now tHEY won’t return the favor.

        You know, I totally understand that Grandparents are not meant to “raise grandchildren” (unless it is the last resort), and they are certainly NOT meant to have to take the “grandchild/baby” every single weekend either, or when mom and dad decides to throw the child at them.

        HOWEVER…I do know times are changing, and OUR older generation of grandparents were mostly retired, and enjoyed their older years with grandchildren. Now sadly, many grandparents these days are working full time, and some are even having to raise grandchildren due to too many teenage pregnancies, etc..

        But what about couples like me and my husband? Who both work, and never hardly ask anyone to babysit? His parents are divorced, and live very far away. HIS mother (my MIL), does NOT pay ANY attention to any of her grandchildre—according to HER they are all “a burden” most of the time.

        But MINE are about 30 min away. They DO see my daughter (We only have one, and they have NO other “Grandchildren”, mind you. They DID want to see her more when she was a baby..but sadly, they always act like we are “bothering them” when she asks to spend the night (which is HARDLY EVER). She is 11 now…behaves VERY well, and never throws tantrums–EVER.

        My mom is allowed to have “me time”..but I find it TRULLY insulting how they made ME stay at MY grandma’s house every weekend, so they can have “me time”..yet NEVER hardly wants to do the same for US.

        They don’t even go out, THEY AVOID FRIENDS, other family members, etc.my dad is anit-social, and my mom just seems to always have an excuse for not wanting her over “not this weekend”..etc…almost EVERY weekend.

        What’s worse, is the other day…she says to me..”I can’t wait until (My daughter’s name)–goes back to school so you and I can spend more “alone time” having coffee or go to the bookstore”….UGH…just made me so mad!! I turned and looked at her and said…”ummm excuse me mom..how about you focus more on “alone/bonding time” with YOUR grandaughter instead??”

        See what I mean??????????

        To make things worse–we were living out of state a few years ago, and she BEGGED us to move back to also be “close to her grandaughter”….and once we did…she HARDLY DOES AT ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about getting a grandchild’s hopes too high….this is ruining our relationship now.

        July 24, 2010 at 1:48 pm

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      • 1.2  GT

        In response to MEME –

        Your parents took you to visit your grandparents …. not the other way around.

        Your parents taught you that it is respectful for an adult child (with children) to visit their parent. It is probably the same thing your grandparents taught your parents. And they passed on to you.

        It seems you have dropped the ball.

        I wonder what your children will learn from this.

        April 5, 2011 at 9:27 am

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      • 1.3  GT

        To MEME again…

        After reading further in this discussion board, I see that your parents didn’t actually visit their parents, but rather dropped you off and used their parents as a babysitter.

        Sad. Not at all what I first thought.

        Why do you want these parents to babysit your children?

        April 5, 2011 at 9:36 am

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    • 2.  The Mef Thing

      My mom wouldn’t take care of her grandkids 24 / 7 for too long I think, but for an afternoon, a day or even the occasional week? Anytime. She’d pay to babysit her grandkids :).

      March 5, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    • 3.  Holiday Djinn

      It doesn’t suprise me that as the “Me” generation is now old enough to be grandparents that they cannot be bothered because it may take away from their “me” time.

      March 5, 2009 at 4:35 pm

      • 3.1  cdruoow

        Hey- we’ve done our time and taken care of our own kids- now you take care of yours- been there done that, not taking care of my grandkids….

        June 21, 2010 at 2:32 pm

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    • 4.  Elizabeth

      In the age of “helicopter parents” I don’t think this is very surprising. If you put ALL your energies into raising your kids to the exclusion of having your own life, of course you would want to be a glam-ma and be free of that responsibility when you are older. But wouldn’t it be better to live your own life all along?

      March 5, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    • 5.  Elizabeth

      And now after (ahem) actually reading the article, I’ll amend that to include the moms of the current generation. Why should they expect their moms to “have something special planned” for the children and come over to cook/change diapers?

      March 5, 2009 at 5:35 pm

      • 5.1  GT

        Makes you wonder which generation is the “me” generation…

        April 5, 2011 at 9:51 am

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    • 6.  Sue

      I can so relate to both sides of this story because I loved being a stay at home mom and love babysitting my children but my mom and her mom were both like the grandmother who liked to show she had grandchildren but didn’t have anything to do with them but my dad’s mom didn’t babysit us because the distance was too far but we knew she loved us and having us around, we didn’t feel like we were a bother. I know my mom loves my children and tried to get my children to understand that she just isn’t a hands on person like I was with them and I am with my grandson but children don’t really understand. I tried when my kids were little to include my mom in their lives and what was important to them but she just wasn’t interested. Unfortunately the result is that now that my kids are adults my mom would love to be in their lives but they aren’t interested. There is nothing I can do to make that bond happen but they do have that bond with my dad’s mom who was thrilled to have them visit and loved listening to them. So a couple of time a years even when they were in the teens we would travel to her home and visit. I feel sorry for my mom because missed out in watching some wonderful kids grow up but for me I have accepted her and love like she is and I hope my kids when they are a little older will too.

      March 5, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    • 7.  Trixie

      I think there could be more to this than just the “ME” generation growing up. I’m in my thirties and I had my father’s mother who was a career woman and socialite involved in tons of activities who would drop anything to take care of my brother and I even though we lived over an hour away. My mother’s parents though would not do anything with my brother and I and had to be paid to take care of us, however with my other cousins, they gladly gave up their time and days to take care of them. I think it may say more about family dynamics rather than a completely selfish motive.

      That being said, my mother would give anything to spend time with my children, however I cannot trust her to be responsible with them as she is an alcoholic. Luckily, my children have my stepmother and her mother as substitute grandparents who are more than happy to take care of them in a pinch.

      March 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    • 8.  JeffreyG

      My wife’s parents are living out in the central part of the country (thank goodness). My parents live in the same city here in Spokane. My mom will keep and eye on the 2 youngest for a couple of hours if my wife and I want a quiet dinner once in a while but she is not up for anthing more than a couple of hours. Its really too bad that she doesn’t want to spend more time with them. Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, especially my grandpa, and now I have some wonderful memories of both of them. Unfortunately my kids will not have those same kind of memories. I have worked with people who have parents on both sides that will babysit the grandkids while mom and dad are both working and that is great to me. Those kids are having the type of relationship I only dreamed my kids would have. I know when my kids are having kids I will hopefully get to spend as much time as I want with them. It will be nice to spoil them and then be able to send them home to mom and dad.

      March 5, 2009 at 7:06 pm

      • 8.1  MEME

        On the other hand….if YOUR parents took you to “Grandma;s house” almost every single weekend so they could have THEIR alone time when YOU were little” (like me and MY sister had to)..then that’s when your parents should return the favor. Especially since we never ask them to babysit hardly ever..but for them to always have some BS excuse why they can’t come over when THEY had MY grandparents take care of us now and then..THAT is not fair, and totally wrong. My mom even begged me to keep my pregnancy–even tho I was only 19 and was planning not to..glad I did..HOWEVER…she is totally a bs-er for wanting to be a “grandma” so bad–yet doesn’t want to actually DO IT. My dad also could “care less” and yes, they live together. They are lazy, never go out, have no friends. Yet they are too selfish to ask to take care of my daughter..and she is 11..NOT a baby anymore..so why not? She behaves VERY WELL too.

        July 24, 2010 at 1:37 pm

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      • 8.2  Coco Stahl

        Hi Jeff, I am probably your parents age and have an ongoing thing with my daughter though a lot remains unsaid anymore. It has caused great strain in our relationship. I have a wonderful little grandaughter who is four. I worship her and love her company as I loved being a mom to my daughter when she was growing up. However, for several reasons I do not babysit my grandaughter every time requested. Firstly, I have health issues and I tire very easily. Secondly, I am starting a business, settling my husband’s estate (he just passed) and trying to pull all of that together. Though I am officially retired, I am as or more busy than when I was working. I am not and will not ever be a “retired” person. It is not in my nature.

        I was a single mom most of my daughter’s life and gave her my life with joy and willingly. I did sacrifice a lot of my own desires to make a good home for her.

        I take my grandaughter for overnights and out to lunch and see her at least once a week but I am not a babysitter. I am told that “everyone does it.” That I am a bad mother because I do not do more. I know there are many who feel like me particularly those who do not think of “retirement” as the end of the road.

        I have seen many parents of the 30′s and 40′s generation guilted into doing things that they really don’t want to do. We have worked hard all of our lives. I, for one, did not decide to become a babysitter in my older age. Good luck to you and i hope this will help you to understand more.

        January 29, 2013 at 7:24 pm

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      • 8.3  Shawnta

        COCO – It’s sad to see that you see spending your time with your grandchild as “babysitting.” You get out as much as you put in.

        My mom was a single mother to four girls. My grandmother lived with us and cooked and cleaned humbly for a decade. After that, Grandma moved to live with her other kids (she had 8 in total).

        I value all the time she put in during my teenage years, when my relationship with my mother was strained by teenage drama. And remember fondly those years we had. Now she has dementia and one of my aunts care for her full time.

        Maybe the today’s grandparents would realize when they put the time in to care they get the care back in folds. It would be sad if you finally need things from your kids, but they were too busy to be bothered to care for you.

        September 1, 2014 at 10:22 pm

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    • 9.  M

      Wow. My parents can’t enough of my nieces. It tears them up that they live so far away and get to see them but a few times a year. My grandma lived with my family for 12 years.

      I’m a temp nanny and I’ve heard it a couple times – that they shell out the big bucks for my services because the grandparents have made it clear that they are not babysitters. Ouch.

      March 5, 2009 at 7:07 pm

      • 9.1  cdruoow

        Grandparents have their own lives too- they have raised their families and dont always want to have kids around- get over it all you people out there who think your parents have nothing better to do than be with your kids- they have a life too- deal with it.

        June 21, 2010 at 2:37 pm

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      • 9.2  MEME

        They DO have their own lives..but if THEY got “their grandparents” to “babysit” for THEM..they should return the favor.

        July 24, 2010 at 1:53 pm

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      • 9.3  Shawnta

        cdruoow – Sucks if no one visits you when you are bed riddened and ill. You help out with the kids because you love them. You sow ill feelings and you’ll get ill feelings back.

        September 1, 2014 at 10:52 pm

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    • 10.  MJ

      Twenty years ago I use to complain to my friend that my mom very rarely looked after my children. My mom had made it perfectly clear that she could be counted on only as a last resort but that she was more than happy to be with the children when I was there. I would not only complain to my friend but also cry because I felt abandoned and I also felt that since my mom was alone she should welcome feeling part of my family.
      On the other hand, this same friend who listened to me had a wonderful and devoted step-mother-in-law who would drop everything in order to take care of her two children.
      Guess what though….I believe that after a while she took advantage of her generosity and used her for everything and anything. Need to wallpaper the living room? No problem, “G” would take the kids for the weekend. Need to run some errands, again “G” would step in. On and on it went .
      I’ve seen both sides and now that my older two are in their twenties I really don’t know what type of grandma I’ll be. I’m not so quick to condemn my mom now.

      March 5, 2009 at 11:38 pm

      • 10.1  charlie

        My sister and I share a SMALL home……
        Recently, her daughter who has had three children ALL by different fathers–moved in with us…….
        We have lost our peace of mind, our privacy and in the meanwhile have gained children who yell, scream, fight and are, as politely expressed at BEST brats…. all BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SISTER’S AH, CHILDREN (BRATS AND WORSE COMES TO MIND FOR ME!)
        My sister has made it clear that she WILL babysit the brats while her daughter works……but, now, THAT situation has escalated to the present where her daughter is OPENLY DEMANDING THAT HER MOTHER BABYSIT WITH THE BRATS while she (the daughter) SPENDS THE WEEKENDS PARTYING! (The daughter works p/t at a restaurant).
        I have OPENLY told this bi****ch that I WILL NOT BABYSIT HER CHILDREN (*I HAVE BETTER, INAPPROPRIATE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THEM!!!) AND/OR THAT IF THE B*****CH TRIES TO FORCE ME TO BABYSIT WITH HERb****************** THAT I WILL SEEK LEGAL OPTIONS…..
        NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE BI***************** IS not ATTEMPTING TO FORCE ME TO BABYSIT!
        WHY SHOULD I, WHO DO not WANT CHILDREN, NEVER IRRESPONSIBLY BRED ILLEGITIMATE BASTARDS BE LEGALLY forced TO BABYSIT WITH THE ABOVE!
        IMHO, my sister MUST/NEEDS TO INSIST THAT THE IRRESPONSIBLE B************ MOVE IN WITH ONE OF THE ‘BABYDADDIES’ THAT SIRED THE CHILDREN TO BEGIN WITH!

        WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        September 8, 2013 at 5:39 pm

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    • 11.  Web

      I have actually railed against one aspect of this for years.

      Around here there are far, far too many grandchildren being raised by grandparents. As if it’s their obligation to do so and anyone who dares to say it isn’t is somekind of weirdo/commie/insert derogatory comment here.

      I disagree. I raised my four with my wife. And while raising them if we needed a night/weekend off or out we paid for a trusted babysitter. Of course, being several hundred or a couple of thousand miles away might have had a bit to do with it – ex militay.

      I didn’t beg anyone to have any children, and when a couple of them did I made it plain that we had done our time and would not raise them. An overnight stay (because the wife has to be happy), yeah. Some afternoons and stuff, okay. But we have lives now and I have always failed to see why anyone thinks that the grandparents are built in babysitters. Yes, family is family and I can hear the thoughts now “if they really loved us they’d do this”. However, maybe if the children loved the parents they wouldn’t be so quick to try and take advantage of the situation. Yeah, it sucks when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn’t it?

      March 6, 2009 at 11:13 am

    • 12.  Lynn

      I do not think it is the responsibility of the grandparent to be “on call” for babysitting or to take on the responsibility of raising the children, however….my mother-in-law lives an hour away and can not be bothered to come and visit. We have ALWAYS had to pack everything up and go to her when she felt it was time to see her grandchild. She and her husband are both retired and in good health and yet their lives are too busy to make a trip to us. Unfortunately my parents live several states away but they come and visit, at least once a year.
      I admit I get jealous of my friends who have family member who love to see their grandchildren and offer to have the kids occasionally spend the night so mom and dad can have some grown up time or will step in an help out on a snow day so parents don’t have to take another day off work…..it must be nice to have supportive family members close by. Yes I am bitter. I don’t want her to be at my beck and call I just wish she would show some more caring and interest.

      March 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    • 13.  Kelley

      I don’t understand why this has to be a judgement, as though one type of grandparent is better than another. It’s totally dependent upon the specific family. My cousin lived with my grandmother his whole life, and I went to her house every day after school and stayed until after family dinner, also prepared by gram. It was fantastic. But it wasn’t that my mother or aunt were taking advantage of her — and she knew that, and she happily stepped into help because she’s of a family that just assumed everyone would pitch in to raise all extant younger generations. That doesn’t make her a stoolie. Neither, however, are grandparents who value their own, separate lives mean-spirited. It just depends on the family dynamic and it’s unfair and useless to try and hash out how grandparents “should” be, because, I suppose, they “should” be however they are.

      March 6, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    • 14.  Michie

      As a grandmother, I can tell you I love all the time I can get with my granddaughter. I also don’t mind babysitting ON OCCASION so my son and his wife can go out to dinner. However, I don’t feel I should be made to feel guilty or it be insinuated I don’t care enough for my grandchildren if I say no. My husband and I still work full time and we have things to take care of after work and on weekends. I want my grandchildren to know us and us them. I don’t want to raise them. I think there is (or should be) a middle ground. The “me” generation as one correspondent put it, has raised its children and is ready to ASSIST the next generation…not do it for them.

      March 6, 2009 at 1:27 pm

      • 14.1  susie

        Right on!!

        June 21, 2010 at 2:40 pm

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      • 14.2  AliG

        I totally agree!!! I am a stepgrandmother with an 11yr old of my own to raise. I am not a babysitting service. Come visit, bring them and stay, but I am not a nanny, I am a mom too with volleyball, basketball and many other responsibilities. If I can do it everyday so can you.

        March 25, 2011 at 2:53 pm

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      • 14.3  charlie

        Iagree with the above.
        As a so-called ‘aunt’ to UNWANTED, UNASKED FOR CHILDREN, (OBVIOUSLY, MY SISTER’S DAUGHTER never ASKED ANYONE’S PERMISSION TO GET PREGNANT…..) I AM DEEPLY ANGERED WHEN THIS B************ IN-h************************ DEAMNDS THAT HER AH, CHILDREN BE CARED FOR WHILE SHE IS OUT FOR A SO-CALLED ‘DATE.’
        IMHO, an answer IS to tell the B******** IN H@@@@@@@@@@@@@ THAT SHE is RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING CARE OF HER OWN CHILDREN– AND/OR THAT OTHERS ARE not RESPONSIBLE FOR BABYSITTING/CHILDCARE!
        IF THE CHILDREN GET REMOVED BY DSS THE SOONER, THE BETTER!

        September 8, 2013 at 6:06 pm

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      • 14.4  kap

        My issue is that my MIL chooses grandkids over grandkids. She got mad at me because my girls went to my grandma’s (so their great grandma) campground and she called in the middle of the week a day before they were going to leave and asked for them. When I told her there plans she was all huffy anf puffy about it. Yet when my daughter called her because she has not seen her in over 4 months she lied to her on the phone about the reason she couldnt see my daughter. My MIL has alot of grandkids yet she see perticular ones everyday. I dont ask for her help, and I’m done trying to involve her in things because she either lies about showing up, or tells me its my fault she didn’t come because I didn’t call and remind her?? Seriously shes a joke. We got to family events and she ignores my youngest daughter completely apparently you can’t show affection for two kids the same age because thats what she does. Its pathetic! My oldest is seeing how she is and tells me things that she doesn’t agree with all the time. I have been waiting for this day where I no longer have to sit back and watch how hurt they are because she can’t not love more than a few at a time. Ive always said Id never talk bad about her to my kids that one day they will see how she is and when they don’t want her around that would her own fault. My daughter has a play coming up and she doesn’t want to invite her grandma because she never comes anyways, so “waste of a phone call”. How can anyone be this evil???

        September 9, 2014 at 4:41 pm

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    • 15.  Sue

      You know I don’t think it is about one type being better than the other but Lynn boiled it down to the heart of it. Whether the parents showed any interest at all in the children. My dad’s mom never babysat us but we knew she loved us unconditionally and showed it when we visited but my mom’s mom just wasn’t interested in us. I know now as an adult she loved us in her own way but she wasn’t interested in us. My mom is like her mom and I am more like my dad’s mom. It hurts when someone you love isn’t interested in your child……

      March 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm

      • 15.1  mary

        get over it.

        June 21, 2010 at 2:41 pm

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    • 16.  Nicole

      I don’t think I could judge either way, since each individual family has their own set of circumstances. But I know that my own mother is so ready for grandchildren (she has none yet, and I’m the front-runner among my two sisters) that she has offered to move closer to wherever my fiancee and I finally settle down, so that she CAN babysit more if we want her to. However, she maintains that it will be OUR decision, since she would not want to impose. Coincidentally, my future mother-in-law actually wants to build a second house on her property for us to move into (not happening).

      March 6, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    • 17.  Tina

      My Mother lives with us and she watched the kids for us during the day while we are at work. She loves doing it most days, and others, not so much. Just like parenting. We pay her $400.00 a month and room and board. She enjoys being with the kids and loves being a part of our household. On the other hand, My Mother in Law also live with us (until April 1st) and does nothing with the kids. Well, she does less with my Son and works with my daughter on MIL’s laptop and colors with her but does no interacting with my son at all. I just think that it is the type of person that they are. My Mom was not fantastic as a Mother but is great as a grandma and my MIL was not a great Mother and is a awful Nana.

      March 6, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    • 18.  LynnS

      My parents are about to be grandparents for the first time and they’re terrified that they’re not going to see their grandson much. My brother lives over an hour away and his wife’s parents are right around the corner from them. Their greatest wish is that we’ll come to see them often with our kids. They’ve already baited us with, “you guys can go out for the night and have some alone time and we’ll babysit!”. I don’t expect my parents to raise my children. They’ve done their job. I do expect them to be there to love my children. I want my parents to be as important to my kids as my grandparents were and are to me.

      March 6, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    • 19.  Sara

      I have 2 sets of parents (my biological parents divorced and re-married when I was 5). My issue is the difference that one set makes between the grandkids. The dad/step mom set rarely do anything with my son. They have a son (my half brother) and will baby sit his 18 month old all the time but for some reason can never keep my 8 year old because her back, knee, or foot hurts… come on – which is easier on the aches – an 18 month old that needs constant attention or an 8 year old that needs a couple of match box cars and an area rug with a pattern??

      March 6, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    • 20.  Hyperlexian

      i’m only 37, but i can tell you, if my 14-year-old daughter chooses to have children someday, i’d love to look after the little angels! well, as long as they sit still, stay quiet and don’t need to eat. or defecate. what fun!

      March 6, 2009 at 11:18 pm

      • 20.1  mary

        reality ck lady.

        June 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm

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    • 21.  Veronica

      I’m 57 years old, work 20 hours per week, and raised four of my own who are now: 21, 23, 24 and 33.
      I LOVE to spend time with my 28 month old grandson.
      He and my oldest daughter live 50 miles away and do not have a car.
      I have driven to help out and babysit him many times.
      I can’t wait for the time when he will come and stay with me for a few days at a time. He will always be welcomed warmly at my home.
      When CJ looks into my eyes and calls me “Mema”, it’s the sweetest thing in the world to me.
      Some people don’t realize the blessing they’re missing.

      March 7, 2009 at 7:18 am

    • 22.  Susan

      The article seemed really extremist. On one end, there was the g’ma who couldn’t be bothered more than every few months, while on the other end, there was the set of parents complaining about paying for daycare. Both situations, IMNSHO, are extremist.

      I don’t think that most parents expect grandparents to be unpaid nannies on call 24/7 in most situations–they’d just like an occasional offer (or knowledge that it’s okay to ask) for a night off during the month for g’ma to babysit her grandkids instead of getting the usual babysitter. That is NOT taking advantage or having the older generation “raise” the grandkids. I don’t think asking 4-6 hours a month is taking advantage by any means, nor will any person die of boredom in that amt. of time. Kids are boring. I’m a SAHM, I get it. But a little bit of g’parent and g’kid time is good for everyone involved–grandparents, grandkids and the parents.

      Grandparents who make it abundantly clear they do not want to be involved AT ALL or help AT ALL may well find themselves sitting alone for 3+ months on end 20 years from now, when their health/age makes them too old to be “glam” and “hip” and their children and grandchildren have the same attitude towards them (ie–old people are boring, we have nothing in common, it’s time for me to do my life, g’ma got to do it, so should I, etc etc). A bit harsh, yes, but definitely something this “too busy to be bothered even once a month” grandparents should think about. If they are okay with this, fine. But deep down, many most likely will not be. Just something to consider. Karma will come ’round.

      Just to clarify–I’m only defending the reasonable parental requests (such as one night a month or afternoon a month or ER situations in situations where it’s feasible), not parents who take advantage and expect the 24/7 stuff.

      March 7, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    • 23.  Karen

      That article is really sad. I don’t see why a grandma can’t be “glam” and enjoy her life but still love and enjoy spending time with her grandchildren! My parents, who live nearby, love my baby son so much and spend as much time with him as they can. My in-laws live a few states away and I know my mother in law wishes that we were closer- she hates missing out on his life. Both my husband and I have great memories of spending time with our grandparents growing up, and I’m glad to know our children will have a great relationship with their grandparents, too.

      March 7, 2009 at 11:26 pm

      • 23.1  charlie

        Karen,
        WERE YOU MARRIED TO THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN! THAT IS THE SADDEST PART!

        EXPLAIN JUST WHY SO-CALLED ‘PARENTS’ WHO SIRED you ARE, IN FACT, LEGALLY REQUIRED TO PROVIDE SO-CALLED BABYSITTING CARE FOR YOU AND/OR YOUR ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN! DUH!
        WHY ARE SO-CALLED PARENTS WHO HAVE RAISED THEIR CHILDREN legally REQUIRED TO PROVIDE SUPPORT FOR ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN!

        September 8, 2013 at 7:29 pm

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    • 24.  Bree

      Looks like my granny was ahead of her time! Right after I was born my grandmother, who’d never worked before, went out and got a job. She told my mother she’d raised 5 and wasn’t interested in doing it again!
      If I’d been a boy it would have been a different story, but after 4 girls (the youngest of whom was still in college and living at home) my gran was officially fed up.

      March 8, 2009 at 5:40 am

      • 24.1  Rebecca

        Right on!! ITs not grandma’s job anymore

        June 21, 2010 at 2:59 pm

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    • 25.  KAB

      I saw the children of one stepchild twice this weekend! I love being grandma, but babysitting is exhausting. One thing that is sad is that we are all talking about dropping the kids off so grandparents can babysit. That is often the most, if not all, time they get with the children. When I was a kid my one grandma babysat me all the time, but we still visited as an entire family. She could enjoy me and still have my parents look after us, which is a different situation than babysitting. So many adult children don’t do that – and read all these messages prior to mine: mom won’t BABYSIT so she doesn’t get to know the kids. What a shame the whole family can’t visit each other. And here’s something that may be unwelcome news: some adult children think they are doing right by withholding their children from grandparents against whom they are nursing grudges and then get worked up because their children don’t get attention. I know that hurts, but some young adults don’t realize they’re just shitheads.

      March 8, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    • 26.  Shuni

      Oh dear lord no- my mother would willing raise my child if we let her… she gets mad at me if i don’t call her to babysit often enough 0_o

      March 9, 2009 at 1:30 am

    • 27.  TheFeministBreeder

      I’m at work right now, and my MIL is at home with my two boys. She offered – but we still pay her (albeit far less than we were paying the daycare.) We only have her for a year though, then she wants to enjoy her retirement. So, that means in August (the cutoff) we’re shelling out $2,000 per month in daycare costs. That is nearly my entire income, but I can’t afford to quit and lost my benefits (health insurance, etc.)

      It’s tough out there for a pimp these days.

      March 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    • 28.  Em

      I don’t have kids yet, but have heard that this is the case with my in-laws. I have to say, who can blame them? They already did the parenting thing and are now embracing their empty nest lives – getting out with friends, going to dinner / shows in the city, traveling. Especially my mother-in-law, husbands used to be much less involved in helping out with the kids than they are now. She raised three boys and did a really great job, so I think she can spend some time shopping and lunching with friends, she’s earned it!

      March 10, 2009 at 10:43 am

      • 28.1  AliG

        As a stepgranmother with a preteen of my own, the realization that the someday when my daughter went to college and I got my husband back to myself for albiet a few years while she was off to colllege was shattered when I became a stepgrandmother. Now I see our spare time I hoped we’d spend “honeymooning” spent raising his grandkids and getaways I thought would finally just be us…will be likely spent at seaworld and disney. We’ve been there done that, we never got a real honeymoon or will we ever worry about “emptynest” syndrome I guess. He comes from a large family and is expecting me to just eat this up, but as an only child I just want it too be us- for just a littlewhile like normal married families. My husband thinks everything we do should include them even at the expense of taking away from special time we should spend raising our daughter together-not making her disrupt her life and activities because the “grandkid” needs a sitter so the world stops.

        March 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm

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      • 28.2  em

        finally, someone who has it right!! Grandma has been there done that, its not her job to raise the grandkids

        August 2, 2011 at 10:17 am

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    • 29.  Sarah

      I think it all just depends. I grew up in a super Irish Catholic family, so my grandmother on my mother’s side considered it unthinkable to not come over a few times a week to play with my sister and I – and she never trusted “those college girl” babysitters that my mother hired to watch us when she had to go out. My father’s mother – a German woman who was widowed early in life – was a little different. She liked to have pictures of us around and bought us presents but she never really was into the idea of diapering and babysitting and whatnot.

      March 10, 2009 at 11:01 am

    • 30.  Miss Nae

      I don’t have kids, but my sister does. My parents would kidnap the babies if given a chance hehe. Anytime the kids are there my sister doesn’t have to do anything, my parents happily do all the feeding and nappy changing.
      My maternal Grandparents would babysit us or have us visit any chance they got, while my paternal set didn’t really seem to care, as a result the person I’m closest to in the whole world is my maternal Grandmother and from the time I was 15 (when my parents stopped making me go for visits with them) until my paternal grandparents died I saw them probably 10 times, at family weddings and funerals.

      March 10, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    • 31.  Jess

      I have a 5 yr old son and my parents are always willing to help out. He is 1 of 8 grandkids on my side of the family and my mother longs to see the grandkids more than she does. They do help in emergencies and from time to time ask to have them spend the night with them, but if they have plans, they speak up and tell us. No harm, no foul. I would never expect for my parents to raise him, although it helps that they do correct any wrong-doing he might do while he is with them. He loves them to pieces and will even pick up the phone and call his Nonna and Poppa to tell them what he is doing and they are always available to hear his comments. And love doing so! That being said, my mother-in-law is the exact opposite. She is a very self-centered person (my husband says she was like that as a mother too!) and only does things when it is convient for her (even taking care of her own parents!). It took me a few years to come to the conclusion that she was not going to be the kind of grandparent I thought she should be. Once I got over that hurdle, I realized that it was her loss. She is the one that misses out on see her grandkids (she has 2 others) do wonderful things and grow up! Not me, not my husband, and not my son. He has questioned why she isn’t around as much his Nonna, but since she has not always been a big part of his life, he doesn’t seem to notice. And there are even times when he doesn’t really know who she is, like when its been a long time since he’s seen her. But again, it is her loss, not my worry. He’ll turn out to be a fine young man with or without her.

      March 10, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    • 32.  M.

      I’m wondering if maybe this phenomenon is related to childfreedom. Now, women have the ability to decide they don’t ever want kids. It’s still seen as “odd” and is hard to get folks to accept (look at all the docs who won’t sterilize women because “they’ll change their minds”) but there are support systems and it’s a more open subject.

      Perhaps these glam-mas didn’t exactly *want* kids of their own. It was just what you did in their day, it was the social lifescript women were given and it didn’t seem that there were options. So, fast foward to decades later and these women are free to live their lives as they choose. And they choose not to raise more kids, even the kids of their kids.

      Seems sensible to me.
      ‘Course, I’m a sterilized late-20something childfree person who (obviously) never wants to parent or grandparent kidlets. Still, I think it makes a good amount of sense, knowing how society works as far as reproduction is involved.

      March 11, 2009 at 12:09 am

      • 32.1  Alice

        I think that’s a really good point. We have to realize that even now for a woman to say “I don’t want kids” can cause a lot of confusion, so imagine what it did to the previous generation! Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and if they didn’t want to do it once, they probably resent the ongoing demands of the job. I think that’s fair!

        July 4, 2010 at 11:12 pm

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    • 33.  Jen

      I agree with M.. what if the grandma didnt want to be a parent in the first place, but because of ‘societal pressures’ she had to be and now wants her own life. I dont think g’parents should be required or relied upon as a babysitter. They want to enjoy themselves too and they can now the kids are gone. I dont remember staying a lot at my g’parents house. I think her 6-kids sucked it out of her and her 12-g’kids were just enough for her to handle w/o going insane. My parents are g’parents and they have not offered to host the g’child. They enjoy their peace/quiet too.

      March 18, 2009 at 11:43 am

    • 34.  sally

      I am not a grandma/glamma yet but this describes how I feel. I left all of my creative endeavours off my to do list while I raised my three boys and am now enjoying my freedom. I am never bored but I am longing to be a glamma with the luxury of sending the little darlins home after a few hours.

      April 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    • 35.  jeanette1234@hotmail.com

      I really don’t understand why the young people of today if they decide to have children with or without a partner expects their
      mothers to take over the caring of their offsprings.
      There is a saying “been there, done that, have the Tee shirt”
      These grandmothers brought up their children and in lots of cases
      without any support from their parents and even their paartners.
      Mother Nature for a very good reason does not allow women to get pregnant in their 60′s
      Life goes in cycles and their is nothing written which says women have to keep caring for others till death.
      If children want to have children then it is entirely up to them how they deal with it and must be taught at school that when you have kids your life is over for the next 18 years unless you are born male

      May 20, 2009 at 9:10 pm

      • 35.1  Rebecca

        Right on Sister

        June 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm

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      • 35.2  AliG

        amen

        March 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm

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      • 35.3  em

        right on sista!! AMEN

        August 2, 2011 at 10:21 am

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      • 35.4  jab

        jeanette – you are profound

        December 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm

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      • 35.5  charlie

        Men who insist on producing children they refuse to financially/emotionally support SHOULD BE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO BE STERILIZED. END OF PROBLEM!

        April 24, 2014 at 5:51 pm

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    • 36.  Archer sixtyfive

      I have news for some of you folks.My wife and i raised two great kids,we are now retired and quite frankly have had enough of raiseing kids.We love our two grand kids and spend good time with them both,but raiseing kids is just one single thing we all can do with our lives.After 46 years of working,we are retired and choose to spend the remaining years of our lives seeing new things and meeting new people,not raiseing more kids.Freedom I think is what we cherish,fight and die for and spending an entire lifetime just raiseing kids is,well…not freedom for some of us.

      June 28, 2009 at 3:29 pm

      • 36.1  AliG

        AMEN!!!

        March 25, 2011 at 3:12 pm

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      • 36.2  charlie

        THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANI YOU!

        I share a SMALL home with my sister, who has a daughter with several children who have moved in with us….. These children yell, scream, fight, and/or otherwise PRODUCE UNWANTED NOISE, FIGHTING, ETC. At best, I can say I DO NOT WANT MY SISTER’S CHILD AND/OR HER BRATS LIVING WITH US!
        We have totally LOST OUR PEACE, OUR QUIET, AND/OR OUR OPTIONS not TO HAVE TO BABYSIT WITH THE CHILDREN!
        While my sister is willing to tolerate her daugter’s illegitimate bastareds, I AM TOTALLY UNWILLING TO BE DICTATED THAT I MUST BABYSIT WITH THE CHILDREN! I HAVE SERIOUS LEGAL QUESTIONS ABOUT JUST why I MUST BABYSITH WITH MY SISTER’S CHILDREN!CERTAINLY, THE DAUGHTER DID not CONTACT me BEFORE she HAD THE CHILDREN TO BEGIN WITH! MY QUESTION IS JUST why I AM LEGALLY REQUIRED TO BABYSIT HER AH, CHILDREN!

        September 8, 2013 at 6:18 pm

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      • 36.3  Cynthia

        I agree totally with you Archer. I raised Three children by myself with God’s help. They gave me three beautiful grandkids who I love very much. They are responsible adults and do not take advantage of my love for the grandkids and wanting to spend time with them.

        On the other hand, two and a half years ago, I decided to date and we got married a year later. He has a son who is on drugs and I now find myself actually raising step-grandkids. The mother of three boys don’t call or haven’t given us a dime in a year. All three boys are emotionally and mentally disturbed and take 3 to 4 psych meds each. The mother also uses drugs and parties a lot.

        The boys have ruined my house, they steal and are bed wetters. They are 6, 8, and 7. Because of this I don’t even want to see my own grandbabies which is sad. I am 54 and my husband is 56. I am seriously considering divorce. I want my peace back. By the way. I never consented to taking on these kids.

        May 22, 2014 at 6:14 pm

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    • 37.  Ann in IL

      My kids haven’t had grandparents for 15 years, since they were 4 and 6 years old. They don’t really understand what it means to have an “extended” family that loves them. All they have is us, the parents. No cousins. My husband and I don’t have friends, we have a few acquaintances. That’s life. ANY decent grandparents, even for a couple hours a week, would have been a blessing for our kids. So, folks, it could be worse in other words. Do try to be grateful for whatever extended family and friends you do have.

      June 28, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    • 38.  annonymous

      My parents can barely remember their grandchildren’s birthdays, much less spend time with them. For my daughter’s birthday they stuck a sticky note in the card that said they had a present for her at their house. They live 45 min away but wouldn’t call or come see her for her birthday.

      June 28, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    • 39.  Heather

      The major theme being discussed here seems to be childcare…I don’t think that was entirely what the article meant…some grandparents just don’t seem to take ANY interest in the grandkids at all. When my mother comes to visit which has only been twice in the last four years, she stands at the edge of the room and just looks at my two kids as if they are aliens. She does not really talk to them unless it’s in some singsong sort of voice, with questions that are totally age-inappropriate, and certainly has never attempted to play with them. I would never dream of asking her to babysit since the last time she visited when she asked if she could put her liquor bottle in the brown paper bag under the baby’s highchair in the kitchen for easy access…she figured no one would notice it. She treated those visits like as if she was on a vacation, we live in Massachusetts and she lives in Maine, not that far apart really. When we go to visit her, if we run into neighbors or acquaintances of hers when with her, she acts all the bigshot as if she is so chummy and proud of her grandsons, but alone with us, she does not seem to care. And this all happens when we the parents are there too, it has nothing to do with her babysitting, as if she ever would. This all hurts hugely, and I personally resent her behavior and haven’t learned how to deal with it, especially since my husband’s parents are all dead and we have no family nearby. My mother cares more/talks more/buys more for her three pedigreed cats than her grandkids. My father, thank God, although divorced from my mother and loony half the time from his undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia, is always asking about the boys and their interests. ..but again, we can’t trust him to help out actively in their welfare. i so envy all these families where the grandparents enjoy their grandkids.

      August 21, 2009 at 2:16 am

      • 39.1  rebecca

        We can not choose our families. Some of the deepest pain and rejection comes from them. The only thing we can do is choose how we are going to be as parents and what we want to impart to our children. I know that a long the way you will be able to find support from some woman who has been there and done that….She will give you the support and encouragement that you need. It sounds like your mom survived being married to a mentally ill individual by hitting the bottle….not that unusual. When some one has mental issues it completely drains their partners…sucks the life right out of them. I do not know that your mom has anything else left to give.

        June 4, 2012 at 1:42 am

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      • 39.2  rebecca

        Do you have anything else to give to your Mom ? Sounds like she way have a need. I know as a Mom you are busy busy….but sometimes grandmoms have needs too.

        June 4, 2012 at 1:50 am

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    • 40.  Donna Miller

      I think the problem is that parents think that if the grandparents don’t want to be involved in childcare, it is lack of interest. Grandparents seem to be judged on what they “give” and their time is precious to them too!

      My daughter just found out she is pregnant. I have always told them if they wanted children, have them for themselves as I nurture children every day in my job and do not suffer from that late life need to nurture again as a grandparent to feel “complete”. I am happy for her and while I know this isn’t a timed pregnancy they will be fine.

      How involved do I want to be? Luckily I am out of state so I don’t have to feel like I am a terrible person if I have my own life to live and not be there for constant interaction. Plus his mom will be a great conventional grandmother so they will have that in their life. I am great with kids, love them and I am sure will treasure this child. But I don’t want to build my life around bein a grandparent. I am now 60, this is my first grandchild and this is a time I want to use my spare time to travel with my husband, not babysit. Children need lots of visits to form that bond and I don’t want to spend what little money we have to do those trips. I’d rather spend it on us and doing the things we always planned.

      I don’t know why we have to feel like there is something wrong if we don’t want to be intricately involved. When I am there, I will be there in whole heart and spirit but it won’t be enough time to build the bond that kids need to feel close. I understand from reading these posts that grown kids are upset that parents ignore their kids. But I also wonder, being someone who works with kids, how many times it happens because the children are whiney, disrespectful, give me breakdowns, in other words, the children lack some real discipline and grandparents just rather not be around them rather than voice their opinion and get yelled at.

      I will be an ok grandmother because I have love to give but I have no desire to be super grandmother. And I’m fine with that. the article is just saying this generation has a chance to travel and do things in retirement their parents never had so the role playing is different. We gave a lot to our kids and now want to enjoy our senior years too. I don’t see the problem….

      October 8, 2009 at 9:53 pm

      • 40.1  Debbie

        I AGREE!! ITS NICE TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN OUT THERE WHO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO.

        June 21, 2010 at 3:04 pm

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      • 40.2  Pam

        I agree with a lot of what you say. I think a lot of kids today lack respect and the grandparents, in some instances, don’t want to have to put up with them because they don’t have to do that anymore. I’m 61 and planning on retiring at the end of the summer. I am looking forward to doing some traveling, which I have not done in decades because of my husband. God willing I will have the time to travel with or without him. My 28-year-old son is not married, and I really wouldn’t blame him if he never married and had children. It is so stressful!! I’m certainly not going to be disappointed if I never have any grandchildren. All I hear from my friends are how wonderful grandchildren are. Well you know what, my son is pretty wonderful too. I also agree about the 30s and 40s generation being guilted (in some instances) into babysitting their grandchildren constantly. That generation just did not say how they really felt a lot of times. My parents kept my son some, but I never took advantage of them. It was a fun experience for everybody and that’s what grandparenthood should be all about if that’s what you want.

        April 3, 2013 at 4:07 pm

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    • 41.  Lonely Mom

      I am so jealous of my friends who live near relatives and have ‘built-in’, loving sitters in the form of grandparents. Because of my husband’s job, I have never been blessed to live near family and to don’t feel comfortable hiring a teenager as babysitter for a whole day outing or weekend overnight trip with my husband…I think that is too much responsibility for a teen. I say built-in not from the standpoint of full time care while I work, but from the ability to plan a break from the tiring and sometimes mind-numbing job of being a stay at home mom with no local support system. I would give anything to take a vacation with my husband sans kids or even be able to go on a whole day outing or overnight jaunt to do something adult rather than child oriented. I am expected to travel “home” for holidays with the kids and am always on tap to “entertain” the parents when they come to visit, but the reciprocation of one night out to a movie when they are visiting really doesn’t go very far toward giving me a “break”. I wonder what the parents will expect from me when they get to the point where they want to move closer to me because THEY need care or companionship…probably a lot more than they have been willing to do for me. It really is a two way street.

      November 16, 2009 at 2:27 pm

      • 41.1  rebecca

        You need to look at things differently. I am sure that when you met your beloved you did not ask your parents to be in the know. Likewise
        when you had your family you did not ask how many, how far apart ect… You and your partner chose your future and went for it. So how did it become their issue ? So stop looking negatively at your situation, be grateful for all who are a part of your life and rejoice in your children. your children are no one else’s responsibility except your own. And if ever your parents need you in old age you had better be there for them because they were for you….and your children had better be there for you !

        June 4, 2012 at 1:27 am

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    • 42.  Flower

      OMG! Thanks for this article. My son’s grandmother is glam-ma. She shows no interest in my son and doesnt even call him on his birthday. This has hurt me very much throughout my son’s life especially because we never ask nothing from her and all I ever wanted was for her to be involved in his life as a grandmother….Its sad this is her ONLY grandchild and she rarely sees him but lives and works in the same town. She claims she loves him so much but i think she is a fake. Heartless is all i can say!!!!

      November 25, 2009 at 2:09 pm

      • 42.1  charlie

        DID you ask YOUR MOM BEFORE you got pregnant IF SHE EVEN WANTED a grand child! DID YOU EVEN bother TO CONSULT HER before YOU GOT PREGNANT ABOUT HER LIFE/HER PLANS/HER TIME! THAT SOUNDS VERY, VERY unlikely!
        QUIT COMPLAINING!

        September 8, 2013 at 6:37 pm

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    • 43.  Feel alone

      My mom lives 2 time zones away and we figured regular weekly webcam meetings would help our daughter get to know her Glam-ma. But now our church schedules have changed on Sundays and a webcam meeting would require her to wake up at 6:30am on Sunday morning as opposed to 7am. Her church doesn’t start until 9am and it only takes 15 minutes to drive there. She says that getting ready the night before is too difficult and getting up 30 minutes early is out of the question. I work fulltime and go to school partime so it’s the only time I can fit her in. She doesn’t work and compares me to my sister who stays at home with her kids and calls her during the day all the time. I’ve been completely independent and on my own since I was 18 and have never ask her for anything. I’m not asking for a grandma babysitter, just a 30 minute webcam once a week. She loves to make this my fault but I feel like she has a more flexible schedule, why doesn’t she care enough to do something so cheap and simple? I can only control my own actions so I’m vowing to be the obsolute opposite grandma when get old. I’ll visit so often they’ll begin to think my grandchildren are my own!!

      January 31, 2010 at 11:00 am

      • 43.1  GT

        It sounds as though grandma needs to fit your schedule. “….it’s the only time I can fit her in….” And when she doesn’t – she’s the inflexible one?
        Kettle, I hear the pot calling!
        Are you saying out of a given week, you only have 30 minutes at 6:30am on Sunday morning for Grandma talk-time? Really???
        How important is this conversation to you – or is it more obligatory on your part?
        If it’s important to you find a time that works for Grandma. If it’s not important enough to do that, quite your……..

        April 5, 2011 at 9:43 am

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    • 44.  Mommy123

      I have a mom who always says she wants to get together, yet whenever I try and secure an actual date, she never gets back to me. It might be 2 months before I hear from her again, by then it has blown over and she thinks I’ve forgotten so she goes through the ‘let’s get together’ thing again then never follows through. She never sees my kids (except once a year for christmas maybe), she literally has only been to 2 of 8 birthday parties. Yet, every time she sees us she pours on the sweetness; “Oh honey, let me see you, I’ve missed you soooo much”, etc. etc. etc. It has gotten to the point that I am disgusted when I see her. If she missed us she would see us more. She didn’t show up to my daughters birthday party, in fact she didn’t even rsvp! My daughter doesn’t even know who she is and that is not an exaggeration. When she sees her she has to tell her that she is ‘grandma’. She is basically of the mindset that ‘she has done her time’ and though she is very nice when she sees us I feel as though it is all show. I am a sahm, I am not wanting someone to raise my kids for us but I don’t trust many people to watch my kids, and since my mom is basically out of the equation we rarely go out. Maybe once or twice a year. It is really hard to never have any time with my husband apart from the kids. I have tried talking to her (not about this but other things) in the past and she is the type that tries to turn everything around and blame the other person. She doesn’t fight fair. She accepts no responsibility. She has another grandchild that she sees once or twice a year also. I am just so disgusted by her behavior. I’m not expecting a grandparent to raise my kids but honestly once a month would help me out so much. I just don’t understand why a grandparent could care less about their own grandchildren. I’m glad I found this site so I could at least vent a little.

      February 27, 2010 at 6:41 pm

      • 44.1  charlie

        When YOU decided to have children, YOU CHANGED YOUR LIFE. PERIOD.
        YOUR PARENT(S) ARE UNDER NO legal OBLIGATIONS TO BABYSIT YOUR CHIDREN, despite YOUR WHINING!
        GET OVER IT! GO, TAKE CARE OF your own CHIDREN! QUIT BLAMING EVERYINE ELSE FOR your problems!

        September 8, 2013 at 6:54 pm

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    • 45.  Mary

      I have to say something here. Just because a grandparent wants to have there own life don’t mean there selfish. Your being pretty selfish to think that just because you have kids that everyone else should take part in raising them. Grandparents are not built in babysitters. You chose to have children it is your job to take care of them. It doesn’t take the village to raise the children it takes two good devoted parents and sometimes even just one. If you can’t afford to raise them and spend time with them then maybe you shouldn’t have them. Its a big responsibility. I have 3 boys all older now no grandchildren yet. I saw my mother who raised 7 kids taking care of my sisters kids when they worked for nothing and I don’t care that is not right. A grandparent should be in a childs life yes and spend quality time with them but on there terms not yours.

      June 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm

      • 45.1  Marcy

        Exactly!!! I firmly believe that tey do want to spend quality time with the child they just dont wanna raise the kid child more than the mother herself. !!! And Grandmas do Need their “ME” time! Give her a brake!

        June 21, 2010 at 5:27 pm

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      • 45.2  MEME

        The problem with that obviously when you said..”If you can’t afford to take care of the child…do not have them”….how about teenagers or young mothers who WANT to terminate their pregnancies–yet their MOTHERS “won’t sign” for them to do so?

        How about mom’s who brainwash you into “being so happy to have my first grandchild”!! then never want to see them?

        That is what most of us are talking about here.

        July 24, 2010 at 2:08 pm

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      • 45.3  charlie

        MARY, I COULD HAVE not HAVE SAID IT BETTER’

        HOW MANY CHILDREN ARE BEING BORN WHO ARE not WANTED BY THEIR SO-CALLED PARENTS TO BEGIN WITH……………….
        WHY ARE THOSE WHO HAVE not have had ILLEGITIMATE BASTARDS LEGALLY REQUIRED TO SUPPORT SAID BASTARDS!
        WHY DO SO-CALLED WELFARE QUEENS HAVE A RIGHT TO DICTATE TO TAXPAYERS THAT they HAVE A RIGHT TO DEMAND THAT TAXPAYERS legally MUST support THEIR ILLEGITIMATE THEIR CHILDREN!
        FORCE THE BABY’DADY’ TO PROVIDE CHILD SUPPORT! ENOUGH SAID!

        September 8, 2013 at 7:23 pm

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    • 46.  Tamara

      I agree with you 100%.

      June 21, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    • 47.  J-Ro

      My mother had a demanding job while my kids were little but she was still a fantastic grandmother. I had occasion to look through pictures a few weeks ago and there were so many of my mother playing with them, taking them somewhere wonderful, helping with a birthday party, or doing something else loving with and for my children. My older daughter took her first steps to her “Gram.”

      We had a meeting point for years at the 40-mile midway point between our houses where I would drop the girls off and they would go have a fabulous weekend with her. They adored her, and even defended her very terrible cooking to me. She would still love to have her grown-up granddaughters sleep over.

      I may (and do) have some complaints about my own upbringing but there is nothing bad I can say about how my mother has done her time as a grandma. Whatever floats your boat, of course, but I think the uninterested grandparents are missing a lot of fun and love.

      June 22, 2010 at 5:14 pm

      • 47.1  LOUISA

        Why in the world does a Grandmother need to participate. I intend to buy gifts and see the kid once or twice a year.

        July 4, 2010 at 3:26 am

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    • 48.  Alice

      I hope that my own mother does turn out to be a “Glam-ma” when I do have kids. I love my mom dearly, but she has an eating disorder that she will not address and that she passed on to my sister, and to a smaller extent, me. My sister is now in and out of care because she has a hard time allowing herself to eat enough food. I worry that my mother’s constant nagging at meals about how much everyone is eating will do the same thing to my own kids when I have them. Maybe if my mom finally takes enough time to herself she can learn to get relax and get better in her own way, too.

      July 4, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    • 49.  MEME

      I too am jealous of friends who have all their parents spend time with their grandchildren.

      No one is saying grandparents don’t deserve “me time”…but if they had the luxury of their parents spending time with their children so they can have “adult time”, then that needs to be also brought up.

      especially if your parents BEG you to have a grandchild….that is what seems to be happening in some cases. MY parents did that, yet are too lazy and unwilling to do so after the fact.

      Really sad…family these days has “no value” like they did back in the days. And then people wonder why you have only one child and refuse to have more? Hmmm..well, we arn’t stupid enough to bring anymore kids in this world around more family members who teach them that family values are nothing these days. Don’t get me wrong…you should only HAVE a child because YOU want to, and are READY to–regardless of grandparents. But what the heck are we supposed to think when OUR parents gave us to “grandma/grandma” ALL the time when WE were young?

      Bottom line–if your son/daughter is pregnant–PLEASE do “tell them honestly” BEFOREHAND that you plan on “taking the grandkids only once in a blue moon” before feeding them bs and making it sound like family really cares.

      Because who hurts later on…is the GRANDKIDS.

      MY mom has a way with making comments about taking her somewhere, or letting her spend the night–INFRONT of her mind you..only to then shoo her away and tell her “not this weekend” almost EVERY weekend!! Enough is enough!

      On the otherhand, my mom is obese, depressed, and likes to see anyone else struggle probably because she is jealous that my life is filled with business and friends, and she uses this as a backfire. She even made some silly rude comment about a young co-worker who is in her 20′s who just had a baby–and she laughed saying..”ohh well HER parents are going to babysit anytime for her so she can go to work.”..also laughed when her other co-worker was having a “girl”..she said..”good, then she will know how hard it is, won’t she?” She is said it like she couldn’t wait to see her “struggle with a daughter”….makes me sad..she thrives on other people’s struggles, or hopes they will. I don’t understand her tho..SHE and my dad BOTH had HELP with their parents ALL THE TIME…

      July 24, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    • 50.  Heather

      I am new at being a grandmother and totally love it! That being said, I also work full time, and live about an hour away from my grandchild. For the first year of my grandchild’s life, I took him home with me to spend one or two nights every weekend, so his mom could get a little sleep. For the second year I have had him every other weekend. I adore him and I know he loves me. I absolutely know that my child appreciates me and loves all the time I spend with my grandchild. Now my question to all mothers of small children: What would be the ideal amount of time and at what intervals for the grands to take the children? I can see because of work that I am not going to be able to do the amount of time I’ve been doing. I have no grandparents in my past to model my behavior on, and my child had no grands in his life either. So what is, if you could have just what you wanted, the perfect grandparent-grandchild “schedule”? I will still be living an hour away, just working more. Thank you for any input!

      April 1, 2011 at 6:36 am

    • 51.  spanky

      I think there are many dynamics involved in the incidence of grandparents not wanting involvement with their grandchildren. We must consider at least some of them before we judge ANY individual situation. Research shows that there is a lower prevalance of depression in women who have had babies and recieved significant support from the mother/grandmother of child. Something in fact that my mother told me before the birth of my beautiful son.

      From a subjective perspective, my mother was the first person to find out about my pregnancy. She started to tell people about it which put the pressure on for me to continue with natures’ plan, knowing full well if I continued I would be a single mother. I was promised support but my parents divorced and long story short, it didn’t come into fruition. My son is two this week and he barely knows who is grandma is (she dosn’t want to be called grandma, she has yet to think of a name). Up until I had my son we had a fairly good relationship.

      I asked her to help out when I was ill the other week and she said no. She relishes saying no in fact, and after she says no she says, now you know what I had to put up with. She laughs and says hard work isn’t it. Loaded remarks like that are passively abusive and completely unwarrented. My mother had help from my nan when myself and my brother were small. My mother also regularly asks to look after my brothers step daughter, overnight. She has had my son once overnight in his two years. I have no respite. I perceive this as a dysfunctional rejection from my mother. She has empty nest synrome or something.

      Objectively I think that she (my mother) is part of the ME generation. There I said it. She has botox and denies her age. She has deep age related insecurities and is becoming almost personality disordered in her grandma aversion. And those granparents on here who have vocalised similarly about the new parents who are in some cases struggling and asking for help from their parents, I can only interpret this as classic projection. Young parents are not selfish when they ask significant and trusted others (ie their parents) to help take care of the most precious thing in the world to them. They are simply asking for help. for experience, for guidance and understanding. This is basic human nature and it’s how we evolve! Please lets not lack in compassion and deny this empathic fact!

      Lets not forget that we are all part of the ME generation, it’s what the media pushes. It would be ageist and inconsiderate to presume that todays grandparents are immune from it too. Ha :)

      June 20, 2011 at 9:22 pm

      • 51.1  Coco Stahl

        When you have a child you have the responsibility of taking care of that precious little one yourself as their parent. You make a choice. Your life changes. Asking for advice is great and smart as people who have already done this know the scoop. However, it is your responsibility to raise your child no matter how you have to do it. Many people have struggled..immigrants who came to the country whose family were many miles away. Some people worked three and four jobs.

        I don’t know your mother…maybe she is denying her age. I do know that after raising a family she has won the right to do what she wants to do and should be respected for it. Sorry to be so strong in my comments. i do have strong feelings about this particularly because I raised a child on my own, did a darn good job and never asked for any help from anyone except for my parents to babysit maybe once a month or something if that. They could be grandparents though as they chose. I usually stayed home and had a good time.

        January 29, 2013 at 7:35 pm

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    • 52.  layna

      recently it was my sons 18th birthday and i invited my mom and dad over for the ocassion they didnt come or even call they could care less they have always not cared about him or pretty much none of the grandkids it hurts us all . Im so tired of forgiving there mean ways , they are in there seventys so I feel guilty but havent spoke to them in 2 weeks, am I wrong?

      July 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

    • 53.  Robyn

      I ask my mother inlaw a month ago if my daugther could spend a week with them this summer. I have yet to hear from her. She stop calling my house and only talks to my husband when he calls from his cellphone. She has never spunt alone time with her yet his parents have been to our home several time a times year and most hoildays. Im not sure what I should do or say to my Inlaws about this. Not getting a reply from them as of yet is telling me she (mother inlaw) has an issuse with my 9 year old daughter spenting alone time with them. My little girl adores them. I just don’t understand what the problem my be….

      May 6, 2012 at 11:18 am

    • 54.  Chazzle

      I can kinda see both sides her… when I was little I would constantly go round my nans, stay the night, even go away for weekends with them, my brothers would come too occasionally but they weren’t as interested as me to be learning to cook with my nan or having trips down the river with them, they live in the same town as us and we are still reallly close, my dads mum and dad however, we didnt see them very often, although we still loved to go over there, they would never come to our house and once we turned 11 upwards we never saw them much atall, most recently my nan didnt come to my 21st birthday party becaus ei didnt invite my aunt (who i have only ever seen once a year and never speaks to us however much we try) so that made me feel loved by her. I know my mum and dad will spend loads of time with my children, not coz i want to get rid of them for a few ours but because they have longed to be grandparents and enjoy every minute of watching them grow up just as much as me. I just hope my in laws will be like them rather than my dads parents =/

      May 11, 2012 at 7:53 am

    • 55.  Lynn

      I was reading some back years posts about young parents who seem to believe their parents should want to babysit. I do not know if I fit in the ‘me’ generation at 61 as I never pay attention to those labels. But I will say this: I have never seen a generation of parents who spoil their kids rotten & then expect their parents to even want to be around their kids. What a sad joke – more sad for the kids as they will also grow up thinking the sun rises & sets on them alone. My parents did not provide cars, phones, insurance, credit cards, to us -we got an after school or weekend job to pay our expenses. We learned responsibility in our teens. Because of that, most of us did not expect our parents to want to babysit – the key work being ‘expect’. And more power to those grandparents who don’t wish to spend the rest of their active days taking care of their kids’ kids!

      May 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

    • 56.  roisin

      I am now 72 years old. I have three grown children. When i was a child parents didn’t go to every game to watch their kids play sports . Grandparents might have ben around but not especially involved with the grandkids.
      Fathers went out to work and mothers did everything else and had no choice in the matter. There wasn’t much money to go around. Large families , and I mean large, were not that unusual. Public schools didn’t have special events and parents only went there if there was a problem. Children were children and parents did not regulate every minute of their day.

      When my children came along things were a little different. I took them to their sports games, music lessons etc. but usually did errands and picked them up after the game. I was always driving kids to something. My husband was constantly away either when he was in Vietnam or later, for business . I was also a teacher so I was with kids day and night. We didn’t have any family nearby but both my mother and mil made it quite clear when we visited them that they didn’t do babysitting unless it was an emergency. Once in a while they would – but all children had to be in bed and asleep before we could go out. We used baby sitters when I was working, and it took a good chunk of my salary,or if we wanted to go out.

      Now I have grandchildren. I don’t want to go to every game and was shocked to find out that I was also supposed to go watch them practice.
      Why would somebody do that?
      I don’t want to take care of children anymore. I guess you could just say I’m done with all of it. When did the word “grandmother” start to mean saint ? And why don’t parents just bite the bullet, pay for a sitter and quit whining. Most of them are expecting way too much from grandmothers. We are not all the same.

      May 26, 2012 at 5:30 pm

      • 56.1  Judy

        I’m with you. My mom and dad allowed us to join teams and other organizations and that was it as far as their participation. We had to find a way to get there. A visit to Grandma’s house was so Mom and Dad could do her shopping, mow the lawn, and fix what needed fixing. When I had kids we visited Grandma and Grandpa three days a week so I could help them out. The kids got to visit with the old folks while I mowed the lawn, or washed the windows, and did the grocery shopping or whatever for them. Only once did my daughter stay overnight, that was when I was having giving birth to my son. Now this generation expects me to lay out the red carpet for the Grandchildren so their parents can have a life away from the kids? I think not. No wonder there is little respect to be found anymore.

        June 4, 2012 at 1:10 am

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      • 56.2  jab

        you are a gem, and put into words what I have been feeling for the last 4 years

        December 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm

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    • 57.  rebecca

      As it was so well said, I gave up a lot raising my children. It never entered my head that it was anyone’s responsibility except mine own to raise and educate my children to become productive and caring citizens of this World. My choices were mine own. I did not have children for my parents and did not entertain the thought of dumping them on them. I did instill the understanding of how they must behave in other peoples homes. However I am dismayed as a grandparent to see the amount of young parents who wish to saddle their parents with their responsibilities. Further more what is amazing is the demands put on the grandparents on what they should do when caring for their grands….do not discipline my brats, do not hold them accountable for anything, keep your moral values to yourself do not impart such on innocent ears. Ok, then raise them however you wish. It does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a loving parent to teach their children how to live in a village!

      June 4, 2012 at 12:56 am

      • 57.1  Nut Meg

        Bravo, well said, to all.

        March 19, 2013 at 4:58 pm

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    • 58.  susie james

      I am the step-grandma to 2 little boys. I haven’t never volunteered to babysit or do I make special trips to see these kids and they live within 10 minutes of me. My step-daughter has gotten mad at me for not having much to do with her boy and has asked me why. My step-son has gotten mad at me because I will not be a permanent baby sitter for them while they work. I don’t want to be a Grandmother to these 2 kids. I don’t really even like kids (there I said it) they are to needy and I would rather do what I want. I know that I will probably wind up old and alone. But now….I have a new problem…..My son who is 20 has gotten his girlfriend pregnant and he has already started in telling me that I won’t have much to do with his kid because he has seen how I do the step-grandkids. I am afraid of getting close to his baby, who’s to say that his girlfriend might decide she wants to take this baby and move to another state when she is tired of my son. Maybe that is the reason grandparents aren’t getting to attached with the way people get divorced or change partners and the drop of a hat, their afraid of being hurt and wanting to see these babies and can’t.

      June 30, 2012 at 6:46 pm

      • 58.1  StillYoungYet

        Hi Susie, I feel that way too. I don’t want get close to any of my grandchildren, and I told my 19 year old not to be expecting me to babysit all the time when and if he has a baby. I wrote a little something about my situation a few posts below yours. I see so many grandmas embracing the responsibilities, and I’ve often wondered if there is something wrong with me as to why I don’t have that grand-paternal instinct. I just don’t feel I want to be around the little ones. I just want to enjoy life in peace and quiet and I feel I’ve earned that, even if it means I might die alone someday. Of course I want to know the children to know me, and I’ll keep trying to do what I can for them. I’m glad I found this forum, I don’t feel so alone in this now. Thank you and good luck to you and yours.

        December 19, 2012 at 1:09 am

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      • 58.2  susie

        I have decided that I no longer can find any love at all for my SD. She is no longer allowed at my house. She is not going to talk to me like I’m a dog and get away with it. Her Dad has not said a word about me banning her from our home. I guess he knows she crazy, cause if he had told my kids that I would leave him. I will not and refuse to have anything to do with her kid. If the DH ever brings him down, I will hide out in another room to purposely avoid him. Cause all she’s gonna do when she gets him back home is question him about my every move and word. No love lost on either one of them.

        June 19, 2013 at 10:17 am

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    • 59.  Ellie

      I have found myself in this same, very sad predicament with my parents. I believe a parent’s involvement with their grandchildren inversley correlates to their parents’ involvement with us. For example, all of my childhood memories are of times spent at my grandparent’s home which, clearly, was often. Although I would never expect that of my parents, I see their involvement as entirely conditional. Prior to asking my mother to watch my only child, I get a stomach and become overwhelmed with apprehension at her inconsistent and often annoyed response. Grandparents can’t see the forest through the trees and they should as oneday, they will be entirely dependant upon us. I often feel as if to say, “Look. One day, YOU’RE going to need YOU’RE diaper changed!”

      September 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

      • 59.1  charlie

        To the above: Guilt is NOT a motivator. Period. Life is a day at a time….grandparents are not built in babysitters…DESPITE what irresponsible children have to say….. Grandparents have a (lets face it!) LEGAL/CONSTITUTIONAL/FIRST AMENDMENT right to live the way THEY want to….DUH!

        April 24, 2014 at 7:08 pm

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      • 59.2  Shawnta

        CHARLIE – It’s not guilt – it’s reality. If you are conditional with your love, you can’t expect someone else to be unconditional. Who wants to sit with someone who smells of old age and death and can barely care for themselves. Unless, maybe your children love you because you’ve loved them so much.

        My 88 year old grandmother sometimes thinks she is 7, 14, 25 or 3. She couldn’t put her shirt on one time and proceeded to walk into a fully occupied living room topless. Her daughter sits her down and make sure she is well fed, healthy, medicated and makes her doctors appointment. It is a payless thankless job. But guess what, when my grandmother was younger and able, she watched her grandkids without much of a complaint. And maybe you can afford your long retirement and assisted living care when you are old. You’d still be that wretched old person that has kids that never visit.

        September 1, 2014 at 11:18 pm

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    • 60.  Cindy

      My husband and I are grandparents but we’re still parenting two teenage boys. Also, my husband travels extensively out of town and my 80-year-old mother is having health problems. I adore my grandson and want to spend as much time as possible with him, but I’m torn in many different directions. Through the years many of my peers have worked, not to provide necessities, but luxuries, while their mothers have raised their children. Where is it written that Grandma has to step up for Round 2 of raising kids so that the child she’s already raised can own a boat, a home with a view, a swimming pool, etc. Grandma needs a break and parents need to step up and be… PARENTS!

      December 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

    • 61.  Grandpa Jack

      I don’t get it. Well maybe I do, actually, but don’t want to.

      We are a society of the temporary, the throw-away.
      As a child of divorce myself, I know all too well the agony of estrangement from family members, and yet, as a “single again” dad and grandpa of a 2 yr old “army brat” living far away, I’d give my eye teeth to see her and my son/daughter-in-law more often.
      And yet, her “granny” could give a rip. When I heard granny was NOT going to “do” Christmas, not even send the little girl something, I asked if it would be OK if I added her name to the gift I was planning for our grand daughter, just to include “granny”. She adamantly refused.
      “I don’t DO” Christmas, and don’t want her or our son thinking the are going to get gifts from me. I hate holidays and will not allow it”.

      THAT I don’t get? I mean what is that? Is the woman pathologically blind to her son and grand daughter’s feelings? I talk to my sons (three from as many marriages) weekly at least, and this time of year it kills me to have to choose which of them I’ll spend time with. Could I even imagine showing up empty handed or not at all? NO WAY! Somebody “splain” it to me???

      December 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

    • 62.  StillYoungYet

      I’m having a hard time trying to get myself into granny mode, I have children of my own, all my kids are 7 years apart. My oldest daughter has really burdened herself with these kids she keeps popping out with this drugged out guy that leaves her every time. Her firstborn was born is blind and has other mental problems, he’s so much to handle even on his own. I’ve tried to babysit him, but something always goes terribly wrong, like twice one of my kids left the stairwell door open and he tumbled down. He climbs on everything, constantly noisy, and wont stop smearing poop every chance he gets. Then she has a two year old that goes 100 miles an hour, she’s easier to watch than he is, but still.. omg. I can’t keep up. And then she just had another baby. I’ve only bothered to see him twice since he was born a month ago. I’ve really distanced myself. Of course her so called man has left and moved in with another woman, but dangit I told her not to this. I know she’s screaming for help, I know she is resenting me for ignoring her requests for money and a babysitter. Its all over her facebook statuses how much pain she is in, but I’m just so not wanting to do this. I did my time, I don’t want baby responsibilities, and I’m having enough troubles trying to pay my own bills. I hate to cut her off like this, but I resent her so much for not keeping her legs together, or getting fixed like I suggested umpteen times. The firstborn needs so much attention because of all his health and mental problems. On top of it all, she is being evicted after January, she’s never worked a day in her life. Wtf! I feel like I want to move to the other side of the world!

      December 19, 2012 at 12:31 am

    • 63.  BlushingBride99

      Help?! My husband and I married two years ago after being on and off for a very long time. Our marriage is great…we are really soul mates. He has two adult sons, who I love. I have never felt maternal or wanted to have a child. My husband’s oldest son now has a baby. I really am not a “baby person” and am not interested in the baby, although I show my love and support to the parents in diferent ways. I see it hurts my husband that I am not maternal. How can I feel maternal and embrace this child?

      December 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    • 64.  Kira

      Just a thought to throw out there. Should parents be relied on as continual babysitters for their grandchildren? No. That’s what babysitters are for. As a 27 year old mother of two (two and four) I only ask my parents as a last resort. I make it a priority to take my kids over to visit with me there, so that my parents can do the fun stuff with the kids, and be able to enjoy them in those visits without the less fun stuff having to be on their minds (changing poopy diapers, redirecting bad attitudes or breaking of rules etc). My Mom is a lawyer and still has a teen living at home, so she is still in Mommy mode herself. She is in a different place than my Nan (her Mom) was when my siblings and I were growing up. Having said that, I remember many many weekends and weeks spent with my grandparents. Sometimes just my sister and I, but sometimes all five of us kids. It is a memory that I cherish, now that they are gone. And I know they wanted to do it, that they begged my parents to let us stay with them if it had been too long. I think that’s what I feel sad about when I read the comments about Grandparents having raised their own kids and being done with all that. I hear you, I agree with you..but I am sad that your grandkids won’t have those cherished dreamy memories of time spent with you that will stay with them as such a positive impact long after you’re gone.

      January 9, 2013 at 1:00 pm

      • 64.1  Paula

        I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have 2 beautiful grandchildren, I know how the time flies, I don’t know how much time I have left in my life; Papa and I both want them to have fond memories of us both and we cherish the time we are blessed to have with them. It’s win/win and, like you, I feel very sad for those who are missing out on that blessing.

        February 8, 2013 at 6:29 am

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    • 65.  Sara

      I know this is a pretty old discussion, but I have to add my two cents…To the grandmother who said…”you better be there for your parents when they are old, because they were there for you”. That’s a load of BS. Just as grandparents say to us now “it was your choice to have kids, blah, blah, blah, and it’s ME time…”, well it was your choice to have us. You took care of us until we were adults and then wanted nothing to do with us, and be sure that when my kids are adults I will never force them to see their grandparents, not even at the funerals if they don’t want to. Karma’s a B, and it will come back to bite all of you when you are sitting in your nursing home crying your eyes out because you are all alone. My mother sent me to my grandmother’s ALL the time, and it tears me up inside when my daughter comes home from school and asks what a grandparent is.

      February 2, 2013 at 12:28 pm

      • 65.1  susie

        Sara, Your just upset cause your parents want a life, and your kids are not their TOP priority. I don’t know how old you are but back in the day Grandma’s didn’t have to work, they had time to themselves unlike today’s busy Grandparents who are still having to work into their 60′s and 70′s. When they do get some time they want to do the things they are missing out on.
        My own kids, are having a hard time because I’m not living up to the expectations of the Grandma image they had in their minds. I don’t want to either. I have a life, I raised them, I love them and I love their children, but those Grandbabies are not my Top priority. And if they choose not to come to my funeral, do you think I will even care, not really cause how would I know( haha). So if you don’t make your kids go to your “Mean Ole” parents funeral, I’m sure your parents are going to hate you for the rest of their lives. You Dumb Ass!

        May 17, 2013 at 2:04 am

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      • 65.2  I agree with Susie

        What a cop out! Take your child to a old folks home and there are plenty of Grandparents there who would love to see your child and you are doing something for them as well. They are lonely and “crying their eyes out” Maybe it’s not their fault. Every generation isn’t the same. We are a lot more active with a lot less money the Grandparents before us. We don’t have time to bake cookies and wipe butts all day while you lounge around or make extra money so you can still drink $9 cocktails when you go out. Why don’t you go with your child and spend time together? Nope, don’t want to do that because you really want to spend time away from your child and just using an excuse that your child needs a grandparent relationship. Get a grip on reality and put time in like we did as Mothers with you guys.

        July 2, 2013 at 6:00 pm

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      • 65.3  fulltimer

        I think the issue here is more about grandparents being taken advantage of by their grown children and expect them to babysit anytime they ask. It’s exhausting when you get older, especially if the grandparent still goes to work every day.

        As far as the nursing home comment, I would visit my mother in a nursing home whether she babysat my children or not…and she very rarely ever did. I have to wonder if I would want to be visited in a nursing home by such a bitter person. Makes me very thankful for the children I have.

        And Karma? For not doing what our children tell us to do? I respect myself too much to hop hoops at this age.

        July 10, 2013 at 2:35 pm

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    • 66.  Paula

      This is a very interesting dialogue going on here. The truth is that grandparent and parent both need to respect one another. Maybe the root of the problem has to do with the relationship or lack of between both parent and grandparent. A lack of communication and respect on the part of either party can cause bitterness, resentment and anger that will only prove to make the situation worse. If you truly want to improve the relationship with the grandchildren, first the relationship between the adults needs to be healthy. I cannot tell you how to go about that.This is something that you must search out on your own. But I can tell you that I am blessed to have 2 beautiful grandchildren. I would do anything for my children or grandchildren. On the other hand, my children would do anything for me. Our relationships are far from perfect, but I can say that the time that we have taken to listen and try to understand each other has allowed us all to respect and enjoy each other. I have paid my dues, I have raised my children. It is not my duty or responsibility to raise or babysit my grandchildren. Rather it is an honor and a privilege to be alive and able to spend time and build relationships with my beautiful cherubs. I am thankful that we are taking the time to work things out. I know that I would feel differently had I allowed myself to be taken advantage of . On the other hand, my children would have felt differently had they not come to me with their concerns. The key is that we both need to be honest and open to listening and respecting one another. It’s like a two way street ; we all need to learn how to drive on our own side of the road, and give the same courtesy to our fellow drivers. That’s my two cents , I hope it helps.

      February 8, 2013 at 6:22 am

    • 67.  A.

      I’m sorry, but my mom had the luxury of having her in-laws available for babysitting WHENEVER she wanted when I was a kid. She took advantage of that and never had to worry about getting a babysitter. I was closer to my grandma than my mom. Now if I need help when my son has a snow day or day off from school, she is unpredictable and I sense she really does not want to have him over. She has made comments all throughout my life about women working and how that has some correlation to them not caring about their kids. She also instilled in me a fear of the world and getting a “stranger” to watch the kids.

      I think I will stop asking her for any help. She doesn’t show much interest except for plastering his picture all over Facebook and gifts on holidays. I don’t ever ask her to watch him just for fun or a night out because she really doesn’t seem to want to be bothered.

      I don’t think those who have an active, involved parent (grandparent) understand how much it hurts to have this family dynamic.

      February 26, 2013 at 3:17 am

    • 68.  A.

      Oh – and my mom would NEVER care for my son if he was sick. Ever. I know not to ask. I really think it mirrors how she really felt about me as a child. I sensed she didn’t want me and just went through the most basic of motions. This scars a child for life. I’m in my own therapy to work through this loss.
      It is a loss because I didn’t have the emotional bond or support from my mom that is normal and natural. I need to figure out why I still hope for something that will never exist. Writing this out helped me see things I didn’t acknowledge to myself. My mom is incapable of what I needed then and now.

      February 26, 2013 at 3:37 am

    • 69.  Nut Meg

      I love my mother and consider her to be one of my best friends. We have an open and honest relationship, and I feel blessed to have her in my life. My childhood was the stuff of fairy tales and I grew up feeling secure, loved and wanted.

      Having said that, when I had my own children over a decade ago, my mother was very blunt with me; “Nut,” she said, “I have raised my children, and now you must raise yours. I will help you out when I can, as much as I can, but do not ask me to babysit unless it is an emergency.”

      At the time, I was hurt and more than a little angry. Most of my friends were having children around that time as well, and were lucky enough to have the kind of parents who almost fought over spending time with the grandchildren. Geez, one of my friends would get whole weekends to herself just by claiming she wanted a to take a bath!

      Sadly, though, one must remember that, as we should never compare children, we probably should never compare grandparents either. Much in life is not fair, and it is what it is.

      My kids grew up loving their grandparents just the same – even though they were never babysat by them. They forged their own relationship with them and everyone is quite content.

      And I survived the early years too. I say this because now, as the time has passed, I am able to think more clearly about the whole situation, and now realize that my desire to have my kids babysat by my parents was completely and totally for MY benefit – not my children’s. I truly believe that most here who are criticizing the grandparents have less than altruistic reasons for doing so.

      I don’t think it’s emphasized enough just how hard raising children is. Sure it’s nice to have breaks, but you know what? It really shouldn’t be an expectation of anyone. PARENTS decided to have kids – it should be 100% on the PARENTS to either look after them or to provide care for them if they cannot.

      When the time comes, I will love the heck out of my grandkids – but I will NOT babysit them.

      Call me a future Glam-ma.

      March 19, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    • 70.  Darik

      My mother (62) lives with us, we have 2 kids 10 and 3 and we are getting close to making her move out. She works full time at night at a sit down job and after work she comes home and proceeds to sit all day on the computer addicted to social media. She neglects sleep and her health to the point she needs pills to sleep which she chases with wine and says she doesn’t remember doing it. We do ask her to babysit a couple times a month but that is a pai in her butt and she gives excuses that she is tired or she has the 10 year old supervise the toddler while she sits and watches tv or more computer. I took away her computer monitor and she freaked out like i stole a crackheads last rock. She then blames my wife and I like she is the victim but as she lives with us she doesnt cook, clean, anything. At this point my wife wants her to go and I understand but I also feel terrible about putting her out because she wont survive on her own. I worry that her pill and wine abuse will affect the kids. Wha to do? Help

      March 28, 2013 at 4:05 am

      • 70.1  Denise

        You took away your Mother’s computer monitor? Is that because your Mother will not cook, clean, or babysit? I think you are right. Kick her out because she apparently isn’t pulling her weight, or doing her chores. You didn’t say if she was giving you money from her social security check or job she has. She takes sleeping pills and chases it with wine. Oh my! She must be a moocher. No no,don’t think twice about what or anything she gave you including time when you were younger. This appears to be elder abuse and it’s against the law!

        July 2, 2013 at 5:47 pm

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      • 70.2  charlie

        To Denise:

        There is an answer, abeit, it an easy one! Please, please get connected with Al-ANON! This very worthwhile organization can teach you how to cope with the above and/or save your own sanity!

        April 24, 2014 at 7:23 pm

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    • 73.  fulltimer

      I work 50 plus hours a week. At the end of the day, I’m tired and have absolutely NO DESIRE to babysit. I don’t mind a little on the weekends…for a couple of hours at most. I’m pretty sick of the whining of these grown children. Wait until you’re in your fifties and your kids are expecting you to babysit after you’ve been working all day long. Babysitting shouldn’t be a chore. That’s what creates the real distance….resentment. I wouldn’t even consider asking a parent to babysit after working a full time job unless it was an emergency.

      July 2, 2013 at 5:52 pm

      • 73.1  Denise

        Amen to Fulltimer!

        July 2, 2013 at 6:05 pm

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    • 74.  Tessa

      Oh my goodness, thank you! I just finished reading this entire thread…and I’m relieved to know that I’m not alone in the way that I feel about my own Grandmotherly situation. I have spent almost my entire life in the role of devoted SAHM, by choice. Now, at 44 years and my last child having just graduated from high school a year ago (and well on his way towards building a great career for himself), I’ve been eagerly and happily working towards something for… me. I’ve been learning, studying…started a business, which even has a charitable focus! It’s been hard and I’m “not there” yet…but, it’s been so fulfilling. I’m excited for the future…for my husband and I too. Or, I was. We were both starting to make plans to do things…just with each other…for us. Back to what I was saying…We were very devoted parents…the kids always came first. Many sacrifices were made. Looking back, we both see…TOO many sacrifices were made. We spoiled our children too much. Oh yes! I’ve another child too, my eldest is 21 and due any day now. She was a tough one to raise. I’m surprised that I don’t have some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder…and heck, perhaps I do. She specializes in poor choices…leaves destruction in her wake. …and she’s home again now, along with her new husband. He’s a nice young man…made a few bad choices earlier on…but, he’s past that stage and working hard for a future for them. Or so they say. They’ve become comfortable in our home. Too comfortable. I just found out yesterday…they turned down a house a half hour away, because it was too far from us. My daughter doesn’t want to be that far from her family. This was touching and heartwarming on the one hand…but, on the other….it’s just another sign that she doesn’t want to completely grow up and take responsibility for her life. Him either. *buzzer* WRONG! A very serious conversation took place last night at my instigation…other discoveries were made/ things revealed…boundaries were set, and lines were laid down by me…with my children and my husband. I am done being everyone’s caretaker. I’ve been astonished to discover that in spite of all of the moves I’ve made at being an independent, working and thriving adult…I’m still expected to do it all and help my daughter raise our Granddaughter too. My family, had all silently decided (without my knowing) that I would just sacrifice my second half of life…for all of them. Continue on as I always have…putting myself last. It’s my job, after all. Be everyone’s one-woman support team. Superwoman. *snicker/ snort* Um, No. So, the poo has hit the fan in our home. My child-raising years….are done. I’m here for advice if they want it, I’m here to love my grandchild by my standards and rules and to the depth and length I feel comfortable with. Selfish? I don’t care. If you get pregnant…it’s your child, your job. It’s tough, deal with it. Figure it out. We did. Signed, a soon-to-be Glam-ma.

      July 10, 2013 at 1:46 am

      • 74.1  fulltimer

        Stick to your guns, Tessa. You will probably have to fend off a few well intentioned guilt trips. You are doing the right thing. I don’t know about you, but at this age, I don’t want to start over raising kids again. I love them, but I’m their grandmother, not their nanny.

        July 10, 2013 at 2:15 pm

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    • 75.  exploding rifle targets

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      July 14, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    • 76.  Emma

      Firstly, to the mums who say they ‘want their own lives now’. When you sign up to having kids they don’t stop being your kids when they turn 21, they are your tribe essentially, they are with you for life. If you don’t want this, don’t sign up! If you don’t want to help with grandkids, don’t have kids! It’s your genetic legacy. Also, children who make poor choices are often lacking in self esteem and confidence; somebody said their daughter was always a ‘difficult child’ well perhaps your opinions showed in your handling of her hence she feels less secure in a positive image of herself as an adult and makes poorer choices (by your standards). Setting boundaries I understand, wanting to pursue your own interests and not be on permanent call I understand, the only thing that got me was the fact some people are angry that their kids would expect them to help out, and 21 is still so young! They DO still need you at 21, they DO need your guidance with their own parenting, and your confirmation of their own parenting skills and the wonderfulness of their own children will increase their bond and make them better parents too, and it’s all part of bringing a new child into a larger family (and develops in them a social conscience). One poster seems to harbour a lot of resentment towards one particular daughter, her writing is fraught with it, but one day this daughter make take her independence and just walk away and not ever look back, because the feeling is probably mutual…it’s got to be a balance surely?
      Absolutely, glam ma’s should have the right to pursue something for themselves, but I think maybe if they feel like that to the exclusion of their family rather than in addition to it then they probably never should have had one and focused on a career earlier in life (it’s not their family’s fault they didn’t! Make the best of what you do have, unless the kids are in and out of prison and the husband is an alcoholic!). Family is for life, not just for christmas celebrations.
      My mum is a self confessed glam ma – in other words, a useless grandma who probably doesn’t deserve the title. My daughter is actually scared of her because she sees so little of her and when she does grandma never does anything fun with her and generally treats her like she belongs to somebody else’s family. Mum’s excuse is ‘i’ve done all that’ (not very well actually, she was an extremely controlling and selfish parent obsessed by being the perfect mum only when people were looking, although to be fair to her she has always been ferociously protective of her off spring if they are endangered in any way, a bit like a crocodile I suppose…) My mum says she is ‘too young’ to be a grandma. I think she is too selfish and part of a wider narcissism sweeping society since the early 80s because it’s now cool to be a jerk, cool to ‘make something of yourself’ and ‘please yourself’ (honestly, in your real old age it’s your family who will matter most, who will remember the ‘real you’, and everything else will turn to dust along with your bones), and very uncool to care, after all your grandkids don’t reflect on you like your children do, you can’t brand them with your stamp of ‘me’ like you can your own children, which is not very interesting to this growing breed of mothers who seem to see their children as extensions of themselves. Women are expected to hit their 30s, marry and have children to ‘fit in’ with their friends rather than having kids as something to genuinely enjoy for the sake of the cuddles, fun and companionship alone. Women have kids to win a life at home and then feel dissatisfied with their lives. Maybe women should be true to themselves when they are young instead of living up to societies expectations at each so called stage of their lives and then wondering why their is a trail of resentful offspring and spouses (women over 50 are also divorcing husbands in record numbers too, to ‘find themselves again’, it’s such a shame they lost them in the first place). Everyone seems to want to be the devil wearing prada, and nobody wants to get old and be a ‘grandma’. It’s the new style of keeping up with the Jones’, some women have started resenting their old way of life now that it isn’t fashionable anymore.
      I think it is generational, (and also personality based too in some cases, because if you had little maternal instinct to begin with then there won’t be much left for the grandkids). It has nothing to do with being a career woman but how you wish to be seen and remembered (you can have a career and still see yourself as a granny) nor does it relate to having ‘done your time’ because most of the best grandmas I know stayed at home without resenting their children, and if childcare for some mums is like ‘doing time’ then I hope they do leave the kids with the nanny rather than living off their partners income while making their kids suffer.
      I LOVE being a mum more than any other ultimately pointless job or degree I’ve done and I can’t wait to be a grandma one day!!I wasn’t even a maternal girl growing up, a complete tomboy, and I still wanted my career and my own life but not having that life filled with different generations of my family to cuddle and entertain would make me very sad. I will always be available to babysit (unless I think my children are neglecting their own kids when they should be enjoying them).
      My own grandma practically raised me in lieu of my mum, and she is still around now (thankfully) being the perfect grandma my mum is not. She stayed home to raise all her kids and she adores children, there is no resentment, no need to have her ‘me time’ and she is in her 80s! (and also rather glamorous).
      My mother in law is also fantastic and reliable (again, stayed home to raise the kids), although this may change if my husband’s sisters have children.
      I think perhaps some women (through some anxiety about social stereotypes and social status??) almost feel ashamed of being ‘grandmas’, maybe they are ashamed of the image of their own grandmas and don’t want to be ‘that kind of woman’. They want to be free, or appeal to the obsession of youth and increasing self interest in society. Perhaps many women are simply showing their true natures now they have a choice and can be as in the background as a lot of grandads traditionally were, in which case the human race really innately quite self centred. Who else do we have if not our families? Personally I think glam mas are doing society a disservice and their genetic and personal legacy one too. If I had only had my mum and not my grandma I might have been scared to have my own kids because of the lack of support, and it is well known that good family support provides better outcomes for kids wellbeing and the stability of our children’s marriages etc.
      I guess you can’t change your genes, and you can’t change how easily you absorb the messages from society around you, but I just think it is a shame there are so many glam mas who don’t realise
      you can still be glam and take the kids to the park, you can still be a gran and ‘have it all’ just as you can be a mum and have a job, study, etc, surely? I don’t like societies image makeover or the fact so many women see themselves in such a way. Just my opinion.

      July 30, 2013 at 8:41 pm

      • 76.1  ljm

        Best response!! Some of the woman on here are pretending that in order to be a grandmother you must be a door mat! So many people should never of had kids in the first place. My children and husband are my world and always will be. We are both looking forwards to being Grandparents one day. To have a close bond with our grandchildren and adult children. To know that we can still make a difference in our kids lives. Their happiness will always be my happiness! Of course I will still have ‘me time’! I will also make sure that my kids get some well deserved ‘me time’ to so that they can de stress and be happier people and parents themselves.

        October 30, 2013 at 5:59 am

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    • 77.  Emma

      And of course, the grass is always greener on the other side.

      July 30, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    • 78.  charlie

      Thankyou for everyones’ posts…..

      IF one doesn’t WANT TO BE USED AS A FREE BABYSITTING SERVICE BY UNGRATEFUL RELATIVES, THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT is THAT ONE must STAND UP FOR ONESELF–LEGALLY, IF NECESSARY!

      September 18, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    • 79.  Shari

      My daughter and her husband are trying to get pregnant and I’m not at all excited by the prospect of the potential responsibility of being a grandmother even though I know my daughter will be semi respectful of my time. I don’t work and her inlaws are our neighbors, they are going to think it odd that I don’t want to be a daycare provider to this future child. I raised two great daughters, but one of them is special needs with a mental illness and caring for her has been exhausting. I’ve been selfless for 26 years and now I’d like to finish my masters degree and go back to work. Sure ill spend a few hours per week with the child but no 40 hour per week babysitting.

      October 8, 2013 at 12:35 am

    • 80.  Tiffany

      Wow! All these comments are very interesting as I stumbled upon this searching for others who also have dead-beat grandparents. Most of us are not asking them to raise our kids. I love my kids very much & they are my responsibility. I chose to have them & I enjoy raising them. I had/have a wonderful grandmother who enjoyed spending time with me & taught me many things about life, cooking, etc. I just can’t fathom NOT wanting to see or spend time with your own grandchildren. I’m not saying every day or being a babysitting service, but at least occasionally asking to have them over to bake or do something special together. I think it boils down to selfishness. The same goes for parents who treat grandparents like babysitters, selfishness. People are all about “me” and “what am I going to get out of this”. So, don’t expect your grown kids to drop everything to attend a holiday or special event where you can “play” the perfect grandparent and show off when you never take an interest in those grand kids at any other time! And you must remember that at some point in the near future, those grown kids & grandchildren will be the ones you need to take care of YOU. When you need to be protected, feed, cleaned……you might wish you hadn’t acted selfishly so often. I realize people take advantage, but good parents who just want their children to have loving grandparents & maybe a weekend away once a year or ever other year shouldn’t have to be left to explain to children why “glam ma” never wants to see them!

      October 12, 2013 at 3:58 pm

      • 80.1  KIM

        Very balanced response!….as it should be. selfish expectations go both ways!!

        June 6, 2014 at 2:28 pm

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    • 81.  Pushed too far

      My daughter and 2yo granddaughter moved in with me after her divorce. They lived with me for a year, and then moved into an apartment. Several months later, they moved in with a man who had tow girls of his own in the same age range.

      I am not allowed to see my granddaughter anymore for special days out, a play, lunch, shopping, anything like that. I was told in had to take all three girls, not just the one. Well, I don’t WANT to take all three!

      They’re lovely girls, but having a bunch of screaming, hyper girls out in public somewhere is simply not my idea of a good time, and I resent that my granddaughter has been kept from me. I have a beautiful pool and movie theatre in my home and it was like pulling teeth to get my daughter to bring the girls over for a visit. (They live 30-40 minutes away). The day they did come, my granddaughter wanted to play with her dollies, and the other two were jumping down the staircase and throwing toys off the second floor balcony. I couldn’t believe how poorly behaved they were! And I’m supposed to take them all out in public? I don’t think so.

      I would have liked to spend time individually with these kids, but that’s just not allowed. Ridiculous.

      October 20, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    • 82.  ljm

      My children will always be the most important thing in my life, even when they have children of their own. I know how hard raising children can be, so of course I will help my kids out, I love them. And I will always be their Mother. Being a good Grandmother is just part of being a good Mum. I had postnatal depression with my first. I want my kids to have the support they need and deserve one day because I want them to be happy! This does not mean that there will not be boundaries or that I will be a door mat. I think it just comes down to priorities and taking responsibility.

      October 30, 2013 at 4:55 am

    • 83.  Janice

      Holy cow…I’ve read through all the entries, and I can’t believe the amount of personal opinions being thrown around as virtual law.

      Look, like everything else in life, how much involvement one has in one’s grandchild’s life is A PERSONAL CHOICE. No one, and I mean absolutely no one – not your sons or your daughters or anonymous readers of a blog – can make you do what you do not want to do.

      If you don’t want to be an active part of your grandkids’ lives – for whatever reason – then don’t. If you want to be there for each and every event and babysit your grandkids daily, then do it.

      What I have a problem with is you folks who take it upon yourselves to pass judgement on others based on your own opinions. If you feel slighted by what your parents or your in-laws are not doing, take notes and when the time comes for YOU to be the grandparent, then YOU be the grandparent you wanted your kids to have.

      You might be surprised by then that you won’t have the time/energy or inclination to follow through…and then YOU can be judged by YOUR children.

      Good luck

      March 10, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      • 83.1  KIM

        Amen!!!

        June 6, 2014 at 2:22 pm

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    • 84.  Pushed Too Far

      It’s easy to sit and make broad statements about how much you love your children (don’t we all) and how you want to be supportive of them when they get older and have kids of their own (don’t we all). But things don’t always work out the way you think (or hope, or dream) they will. Take the child you raised (who now is grown and has ideas and plans of their own), add a spouse or partner, fold in his (or her) family members, their ideas of how things should be, their expectations and traditions, and suddenly, things have gone all to hell, and you sit there wondering what happened. Think about that one, all you folks with little ones who can’t imagine anything other than a rosy outcome. Good luck.

      April 2, 2014 at 1:42 pm

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    • 86.  KIM

      I was a stay at home Mom, and very devoted!!! My life was my children and I loved it! My house was the house all the children came to spend time I had 3 children!

      I am a Grand mom who loves her grandchild…love to spend time with her in short spurts and when I am ready. My terms…big deal? So what?

      The time spent is on my terms(as well as emergencies if needed-I am there) as the time to have her baby was on her terms. She didn’t ask me a preference. My daughter chose the time she wanted to have a child. My granddaughter’s care is her responsibility. I am there for the love, sharing time and the fun…

      However I am just not that crazy about being with little kids anymore…so what? I am I supposed to fake that? Be pretentious? no no no I wouldn’t do that to my grandchild. Therefore I have her over when I am excited energetic and in the mood, so she gets the best of me!

      Otherwise id rather be hanging out with adults. Why does this bother people. I just don’t get it!

      June 6, 2014 at 2:11 pm

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    • 88.  T

      It’ll be an interesting time when the “grandparent” generation will require help from their children. Health care is only getting less affordable. I know a police officer who gets many calls to help out an elderly person who has been abandoned by their children and found covered in their own feces.
      Listen grandparents, go ahead and think for yourself only, when the time comes don’t be surprised if your children washed their hands of you too!

      June 25, 2014 at 9:58 am

    • 89.  Becky

      I am almost sixty years old and I have three beautiful grandchildren. Although I adore them very much and I think of them several times a day, unfortuantely I can not see them as often as I would like. I still work full time and on the weekends I find myself trying to catch up — cleaning house, running errands, and taking care of the lawn. If I had my way, I would not be working and I would spend much more time with the grandchildren but thanks to this stinking economy, i have to keep working. Plus, working full time at my age plus taking care of my home is almost too much for me to handle both mentally and physically and then when I try to babysit one or more of the kids during the weekends, I am even more exhausted when I return back to work on Monday. I don’t think the younger generation realizes what a toll it takes on our generation to have to work full time let alone try to baby sit during what little free time we have! I am very tired by Friday night and I drag myself through my household obligations on Saturdays and then on Sundays I try to spend a little time with the grandkids and then I crash for the day. Gone are the days when “granny” can sit and read and rock the grandchildren because a lot of grannies, including myself, are still working and we are just to physically wore out to babysit. As for the comment about our own children washing their hands on us when we are elderly and need help? Ha! I will probably be working until my last breath so if I fall, chances are I will fall getting up from my desk and my co-worker will simply call 911! It is such a shame that the world is like this now because as I mentioned; I would love to be with my grandkids more and kiss the job good-bye but I have to work. And, just as the last poster also mentioned; health care is getting less and less affordable so most of my generation has an obligation to keep working because we need the insurance and additional funds to provide for our own health care needs. It is simply the responsible thing to do yet it is frustrating as hell! I would much rather be with my grandkids at this age then work! Heck, I would much rather be with my grand kids even if I was twenty years younger!

      July 20, 2014 at 12:17 am

    • 90.  Fed up

      My mother in law has never worked a day in her life, and luckily for her never has to as she’s always been well looked after by her spouse and mother, who moved her family into her house, cooked, cleaned and cared for her children. And also left her a hefty inheritance I might add. Anyway, she has never treated me kindly but always begged me for grandchildren. She finally got one and has completely raised it as her own. Two years later, we had a child and one year after that, another. She has never bothered with either of them! I just don’t feel its right! I mean, it’s not even about us having an occasional break. My oldest child is 3 and says things like “grandma doesn’t love me, only—(other grandchild), she hates me, she has no time for me”, etc. Even to her face without any reaction, just a change of subject on her part.It breaks my heart and angers me! My parents are upset about it and say she is being given a complex. She now seems to try to hide the fact that she has him from us instead of equally taking turns. I mean if she said she wasn’t up to it anymore to us all than fine, but….how do I deal with this situation??

      September 7, 2014 at 11:47 pm

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