Cowgirls & Death
Do you want a pair of “Cowboy Girl” Boots?
May be the Easter Bunny will bring you some, ok?… don’t be sad any more…
IF I EVER SEE YOU IN A PAIR OF SH** KICKERS, I’ll know my time for the pine box is right around the corner!
How to Save Your Marriage
Backstory: My parents are getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, and word has gotten back to a certain Great-Aunt who has always had a fondness for sending us Bibles and other unsolicited Christian literature. Up to this point, my mom tactfully stays quiet about the religious stuff, but she gets kinda fierce when anyone tries to tell her how to handle the end of her marriage.
For Christmas, your great-Aunt F sent me a postcard wishing me success in the reconciliation of my marriage.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, she sent me a DVD about saving my marriage the Christian way. She said “Even though I am a Christian, I’m not trying to convert you. I accept that you are not a Christian, but I hope you’ll find this helpful.”
I’m gonna write her back- “Even though I am a sinner, I’m not trying to convert you. I accept that you’re not a sinner, but I hope you’ll find this helpful.”
The note will be attached to a vibrator.
St. Patrick’s Day Momma: Irish for Today!
Mom: Are you wearing green today? I made an attempt. Tuesday already, the week is moving right along.
Me: I’m wearing a green tank top under a purple sweater, so I am. Even though we aren’t really Irish.
Mom: OH YES WE ARE! OH..YES I AM. Remember Grandma M…her maiden name was KIDWELL!
Me: I thought you told me recently that we were Scotch-English not Scotch-Irish. I’m so confused!
Mom: You are confused because you are PA Dutch and I am really sorry about that! Today.. you are Irish!
Me: Hey, you picked the other DNA, not me!
Mom: It was the end of the 70′s I plead the 5th!
Me: Nice, mom, real nice.
Mom: I’m always here for you doll!
That Could Lead to Quite a Show
Backstory: I was going to a wedding and couldn’t decide what dress to wear. Fortunately, my mother had a few sound words of advice…
Dear J,
I really liked the dress you bought yesterday. The fit was terrific. However, before you wear it, please try it on during the day for H to make sure it isn’t too see through. One more thing – if you decide to use pantyhose without underpants – be careful not to catch the bouquet because the guy who catches the garter will have to put the garter on your leg while you are sitting down. That could lead to quite a show.
Have fun!
Love,
Mom
as you learned in bible camp…
Hi Bumblebee,
I wanted to let you know that I didnt mean to overstep any boundaries with your fiance (fiancee? i can never remember) last night at dinner. I thought you may have already discussed children in the future and how you would handle that type of situation. You are no longer my little boy.
adoption is a great thing. foster children need love. You dont always need to procreate to know god loves you.
I love you even if she doesn’t.
she being [your fiance], not God. God is a He as you learned in bible camp (what an expense that turned out to be!)
love, your mom.
Postcards From Yo Momma, Now on Video
We made a video about our book Love, Mom: Poignant, Goofy, Brilliant Messages from Home. Check it out!
Google Doesn’t Have Mom Alert
Mom: Checking On Something be right back
Me: ok
Mom: The little box keeps saying in RED that “Holly is busy. You may be interrupting.” Obviously they DON’T REALIZE that I’M YOUR MOTHER!!!!! going to have some lunch now and the do a few errands. It was nice having a little IM session with you. We Will chat soon. Lots of Love MOMMA
my “real” side
honey,
i just got home from debbie’s mom’s funeral. very nice. they said such nice things about both her mom (what a lady she was and a saint) and debbie (what an attentive daughter she was, blah, blah). anyway, got to thinking, and i want you to speak at my funeral and speak well about me, but also talk about my “real” side, where appropriate. i don’t want to be demonized, nor do i want to be beautified in front of people; i want people to smile, laugh, and feel happy for having known me.
xox
mom
“Relations” in the City vs. the Country
Mom: Have you two had relations yet?
Me: No, mother.
Mom: You can tell me if you have
Me: I would, and we have not.
Mom: Oral sex counts!
Me: MOTHER. We. Have. Not. Had. Relations.
Mom: Just checking. People in the city are sluttier than here in the country.
Mom the Neighborhood Color Nazi
Mom: I am so excited I can defeat the evil green! I will now take on the whole neighborhood and send letters to all those that did not comply and have them repaint their houses before they can sell them. I am the neighborhood color Nazi!
me: … and we wonder why I’m a dork.
Mom: I KNOW YOU ARE!
Mating With Our Family’s Cheeks
Thanks Honey, He is not what I expected. He has really nice eyes and seems really sweet.
The chubby cheeks might really be a detriment if you ever married and had kids (ha ha)
Mating with our family’s cheeks could be disastorous! JK.
Hope you are ok and the commute is not killing you. We made a grooming appt for Saturday am at 0800
and we figured we would talk to you about that and if you think it will work out. If not, we can change it.
Talk to you soon, Love mom
well wishes (and guilt)
I’m glad you arrived safely and take care. I love you have a good school year.
Love,
Mom
p.s. stop being picky and get married
Mom’s Taking Off the Beer Goggles
Have date tonight, want to make sure I didn’t have my “beer goggles ” on that or he doesn’t wear gold chains or something….. You know, I have not married for money YET….Kidding
Become Our Fan on Facebook!
Hi all,
Just a reminder to please become our fan on Facebook! It’s where we’ll be putting a lot of our book-related updates (events, etc.) and we want to keep you guys informed!
xo
Doree and Jessica
PS. The PFYM book will be in stores in two and a half weeks (April 1!!), but if you pre-order on Amazon you get it a week early! And for all of you technologically advanced moms, it’s also available on Kindle.
Learning How to Be a Homeslice
Mom: i wished D a happy birthday and his reply was Thanks homeslice. What is homeslice? peice of home???
can’t keep up with his slang
Me: it’s like saying homie, homeboy. it’s a good thing
Mom: so a sweeter version of homeboy. ahahahaahahahahah. got to run and get homeboy a birthday gift. call me later.
Me: peace, homeslice
Mom: bye homegirl. ahahahahah I am quick aren’t I
Me: quick like a fox
Guantanamo’s the Dealbreaker
Mom: Have you been seeing anyone special?
Me: Well, I went on a few dates with this guy that I liked. Then, he told me that he is in the National Guard and was in interrogator at Guantanamo Bay.
Mom: Gross.
Me: At least he voted for Obama.
Mom: He was lying.
She Really Needs A New Blender
If I run off, it will not be with a man I met in a chat room. Do they still have those,,, it will be with an Electrolux salesman that sells state of the art kitchen appliances. Love, Mom
LIKE GOING TO THE PROM WITHOUT A DRESS.
I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU. WHY DO YOU GO TO GET A JOB AND NOT TAKE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY CARD. IT IS LIKE GOING TO THE PROM WITHOUT A DRESS. LIKE GOING TO THE AIRPORT WITH OUT A TICKET. LIKE STARTING A CAR WITHOUT GAS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK. It won’t be until I return from my trip.
I love you, but sometimes I wonder why.
A Different Kind of Dunce Cap
Please don’t hey me. And please don’t write telephono. As a language teacher (and as your mother), that offends and annoys me. And what is <3 ? Is that a woman with a dunce cap and large breasts?
- tu mami
Don’t Just Listen to Dear Abby
Backstory: When my mom dropped me off for my first day at college, she gave me a Dear Abby column about leaving home that she was keeping in her purse. I was slightly underwhelmed.
Mom: I’m sorry about that Dear Abby column. I did think of some better advice: Never have sex in the same room as a pit bull.
Me: ?
Mom: There’s something about it that sets them off. Every time I hear about someone being mauled by a pit bull it involves a prostitute.
Me: Uhhh…thanks?
Mom: Well, I have already told you about all the other ways you could die. If I knew about this and didn’t tell you, I’d feel awful if it really happened.
Me: [silence]
Mom: Also, don’t fall in with a nest of lesbians. Love you!!!!!
