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Backstory: I am a student going to China for a week; in preparation for the trip, my mom sent periodic instructions about what to do and not to do, which included eating only “candy bars, American candy bars.” Also, I am 28.
While in China:
Don’t drink the water!
Don’t eat the food!
Don’t talk to strangers!
Don’t get near any birds!
But have a good time.
Love,
Mom
At the London premiere of her new film Duplicity last night, Julia Roberts told a British newspaper that she asked that a nude scene in the movie be toned down. And now it seems like she doesn’t want to do nude scenes at all. As she told the paper:
When asked if she would consider doing a nude scene in a film, she said: ‘You know it’s not really what I do, so if you are going ask me to do it, you have to expect it to be toned down. You know, as a mum of three, I feel like that.’
What do you think of moms doing nude scenes in movies?
me: madonna dressed as a goth catholic school girl for the purim party at the kabballah center
Mom: madonna is a narcisistic self serving ignorant impowered bitch
me: indeed…
I felt weird. Dad was in the dressing room with me. My size was on the store dummy, and he had undressed the dummy. There was a manequin showing her boobs in the misses dept. I was scared we would get in trouble.
Backstory: my mom hosted a slumber party at her house for all of my cousins’ children (cute, right?) But she is off her rocker if she thinks I’m having kids anytime soon.
I had a blast with the girls this weekend. But….you really need to get married soon and have children right away. Not sure how old I can be to continue doing that gig !!!
me: hmm
mom: what does that mean?
me: that means
me: read it
me: hmm
mom: what are you trying to say?
me: oh my god. like, i am hmming.
Backstory: My mother is a little fashion-challenged and so there has been some pressure from all her kids to update her look. Apparently, some critiques were not so well-received.
This is the reality of being a parent. You work, you sweat, you cry, you bleed. And then your kid grows up to tell you you have a cheap purse.
mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do
Mom: ok
i will let anyone follow me, i’m a twitter-slut
me: if you want to be a real twitter slut, don’t protect your updates
Mom: i at least use a condom
The new puppy is driving me nuts! He keeps peeing in the house and humping molly…the little pervert runs around the house all day with puppy wood, its disgusting. All I can say is THANK GOD for wine coolers and xanax!
Ill send pictures of the little demon soon.
Miss you bunches!
Mum
I am tanning for 5 minutes at a time.. stopped in the other day and a lady was signing up and she exclaims, “they want my date of birth?” I looked over, made eye contact, and said lie. Then they call my name and as I was walking by the lady signing up I whispered, “it’s not my real name”
Me: P [my boyfriend]‘s sorry he didn’t make it to breakfast.
Mom: He’s a boy. I understand if he was hungover.
Me: Ugh, crazy lady, he actually had the flu. This wasn’t drunk vomit.
Mom: Don’t lie to your mother. I’ve been there.
Me: ENOUGH.
Mom: I did coke with the band America!
Backstory: My dad works nights, and I sometimes sleep in my mom’s bed with her. I know it is a bit strange. My bed is uncomfortable, and I don’t like being all alone on my side of the house.
I hope I did not violate you last night. I slept so good, and so sound, I never heard or felt you get in the bed. I do remember at one point rolling over and giving you a huge cuddle, and realizing those were not your Daddy’s legs!!!!!!
Ladies:
I just heard that Tom Brady got married last night. Iiiimaaaagine! I cannot believe it and now Mara is going to have to remove him from her “eligible bachelor” list. What a shame – he would have made such a nice, clean cut son-in-law. But whether the men are rich or poor, tall or short, large or small – any potential long term boyfriend/husband material better be able to cut trees, shoot varmints and shingle the Taj MaShed!
Have a great day and see you later alligators.
Love, mom xoxox
Mom: why arent you answering the phone?
Me: i was in the bathroom
Mom: did it come out alright?
Me: i hate you
Me: i’m not answering that
yippeeeeeeeeeee
donnie’s son came about 4:30..
he took enough tree roots out of trap to make wigs for 10 bald people!
poor donnie had been in the hospital..they accidentally burned a hole in his colon!
taking polyps out..they ended up taking 12 inches of his colon!
well then i asked for a discount..since it was only in oct he did it..
so he charged 100 bucks instead of 135!
ok..i think i’ll have an icecream cone now..
talk to you both later i hope..
love YOU:)
momxooxox;)
Me: Maybe one day I will visit more of the Southern States
Mom: Your father and I went to New Orleans quite a few years back, you should go there, no train though!
Me: Yes, yes, we know the story of how you were on the train for hours getting there and how you had to sit next to one of dad’s co-workers and it was terrible.
Mom: Yes that did happen, and it was terrible.
Me: Anything good happen there?
Mom: You were conceived.
Me: Well how lovely.
Mom: And that was one hell of a night.
What did you guys think of the article “Grandma Can’t Be Bothered” in the NY Times today? It’s about some modern-day grandmothers who don’t want to take care of their grandchildren:
Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, “feel they’ve put in their time,” Ms. Barash said. “They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they’re not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren.”
In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.
Those of you who have kids: Is your mom like this–or the opposite? And for the grandmas in the room, did you recognize yourself?
Hey, do you know how to do a “live chat” thingy? You know, chatting back and forth and it shows up instantly on the other persons computer as if you’re talking to them in person. If you know how can you show me how to sign up for that. I have Time Warner cable if that makes a difference. I sure am moving up in this technology crap.
me: btw, in case youre wondering – i heard back from the doctor
i don’t have vd
i thought i should tell you
you know, since you knew i was going to the doctor
Mom: i’m VERY glad, but it wasn’t really a concern,was it?
me: no, no, of course not
but, it’s worth checking out every so often
Mom: i guess it is if you have been haveing even a little bit of relations.
