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Didn’t you say your dad took a golden shower at that bar he was at in the city? I’ve been telling all of my friends but your dad says I am wrong and I probably shouldn’t repeat this story. Am I using the term correctly?
Attention all Boston-area Postcards From Yo Momma fans! We’ll be reading from our new book Love, Mom: Poignant, Goofy, Brilliant Messages from Home THIS Saturday, May 2 at 2pm, at Brookline Booksmith. (279 Harvard St. in Brookline; directions here.)
Please join us–we would love to meet you! Plus, Doree’s mom will be in attendance, so you can also meet half of the inspiration for the book.
xo,
Doree and Jessica
Who is Meredith’s mother on Grey’s Anatomy? A girl in the elevator just told me that I look like her and I am trying to figure out if that was a compliment or not.
On second thought, I can’t tell you what to do; it is just my suggestion. I think you need to be careful that you don’t spoil a guy. You don’t want a cheap guy.
What do you think of this Jdate member — xxxx13 — do you think you should contact him before the month runs out? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak.
I ordered the dryer rack and a couple of other things. HINT: Buy some whole black peppercorns.
Woke up this morning to the cooing of a dove. Pried open my silken lashes from the gunk that the sandman left- when suddenly the cooing became the coughing gargling strangled strain of a dove that needed a tosilectomy. Whoosh into my bedroom flies an errant dove casting shadows from his enormous 7 inches wingspan upon my head. I ducked under the covers as a wild frenzy ensued as the beast crashed into walls and mirrors and chandeliers. Gingerly, I crept out of bed and avoiding the warm gifts dropped by my visitor. “MARISA, bring surgical gloves!” We don our protective coverings and proceed into the boudoir where the visitor is doing it’s toilette on the porcelain sink. Soft, comforting words do nothing to coax our visitor into her waiting hands. I lunge. It flies. Hopping on the scale I snatch the creature from its glass and metal perch and carry it to freedom out the bedroom window from whence it came. Promptly shutting the window. Hope your morning is going just as
well.
I am very concerned about your health. I am worried that you are not eating properly. Your facebook picture shows you looking very thin. How much do you weigh?
Is it below 140? If I put money in your Emory eagle account will you go eat breakfast?
Are you eating any fresh fruit? Can you go to the grocery and buy a bag of oranges or apples? If this swine flu comes to atlanta, you need to be healthy enough to fight it,and that means you need a strong immunity system, which you can’t have if you aren’t eating healthy.
I am very worried.
Love,
MOM
Just thought since you did not call ME, I would email to let you know I have a stress fracture in my leg near my knee and have to be off my feet for 2 wks. Yeah right, like I have time to do that. See you soon, ME.
Sorry I missed your call – was outside in the yard, digging and planting. It’s looking better but I’m not typing better because I took a sleeping pill and now my fingers are drunk. Hope you had a good weekend and that [boyfriend's] wing doing fine. Are you still playing suzy homemaker? it gets old, eh?
Love you!!!!!
Mom
If you’re familiar with SMITH Mag’s six-word memoir books Not Quite What I Was Planning and Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak, then you probably know that last Mother’s Day, moms around the world shared six-word memoirs like “Mommy’s boobies no longer Daddy’s boobies,” “Suffered miscarriage. Daughter offered her doll,” and “Can I pee in private, please?”
This year, Postcards From Yo Momma is teaming up with SMITH Mag and truuconfessions for a new six-word challenge about all things Mom. We’ll be awarding the prize for the best six-word story about your relationship with your own mother. Truuconfessions, which just released the book True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real, will choose the best six-word story about parenting. Both winners will get signed copies of True Mom Confessions, plus our new book Love, Mom: Poignant, Goofy, Brilliant Messages from Home and a six-word memoir book, plus artistic validation and Internet fame. Three runners-up will win one book of their choice. Contest ends May 10…Mother’s Day. Go to the Six-Word MOMoir project and enter!
Backstory: I e-mailed my mom to tell her that after she went into the great beyond, I was going to turn her into a diamond via lifegem.com.
Heh, a diamond eh? The urn treasure chest costs $700. imagine paying that much for a new, little box. Boy the funeral industry is a rip off! So I figured the stone would be around the same amount. I was absolutely astounded that it ranged from $3500 to $2500. that is twenty-five THOUSAND dollars. I am flabbergasted. If you were to do such a foolish thing, I promise you that I will haunt you! lol
Love forever, mommy
What’s with your father??!!
I think your father is going through an extended mid-life crisis!
I married a guy who owned a bar and enjoyed breaking his knuckles on an unruly drunk’s head, rode a motorcycle and could make a sailor blush with his language.
OK, it was not all that strange when he started drinking smoothies for breakfast.
It was strange enough a couple of years ago though, when he asked for a CD of Strauss waltzes for Christmas.
Shortly thereafter he asked to see an online photo of the famous “Last Supper” painting (Thank you, “Da Vinci Code”!!).
Tonight he insisted I read the review in the NY Timies of Helen Gurley Brown’s bio
Guess what he is doing right now – Watching a Barbra Streisand concert!
Help! “I married a Martian!”
Your puzzled mother
Backstory: I’ve had back problems for past 8 years, and have been to all sorts of doctors, and tried all sorts of thing. Nothing has worked, my next try is acupuncture.
me: looks like our insurance would cover acupuncture for me. thinking about trying it
mom: great. try it.
me: but am trying to find someone who has done it to ask them about it
mom: it seems scary, but it is not really.
me: do you know anyone that’s done it?
mom: i had it done once by a veterinarian to loose weight. and I did loose weight. it was three pins in one ear.
me: oh weird
mom: the vet was treating horses that had pain with acupuncture. so, I figured if it worked on the horses it was not a pretend thing.
me: how did you know this person?
mom: someone I know went to him. Really good looking. it was worth going just to see him.
Backstory: The registrars office at my school was not being helpful in my registration process.
Sweetie, you’re a Taurus- it’s time you finally started acting like it and the bitch I raised you to be. Call me if you need me.
Buy some face masks at a pharmacy NOW before they run out.
In Mexico, the masks are being issued to people.
Love,
Mom
Quite funny. Hey, I think I realized you were an adult a few years ago. Even though what you sent is funny, I hope that you feel you can talk to me about those kinds of things anyway. I could never talk to my mom about sex since she just would never talk about it so I couldn’t ask her anything.
Anyway, the article was funny. A vagina with teeth, scary.
it might be nice if you could actually CALL & just see if I am OK. Ruptured ear drums hurt and there will be no phone in my coffin. m
Backstory: My mother freaked out when she saw a photo I posted on our family photo site of my one-year-old daughter sleeping on top of a big fluffy sheep toy.
Mom: I think you should take down the photo of her with the sheep.
Me: Why?
Mom: It’s too sexy.
Me: Too… sexy??
Mom: She’s in like a sexy pose. Like in a Playboy.
Me: She’s cuddling with a toy sheep.
Mom: Yes, but it’s in a sexy way. A pedophile would like that photo.
Me: I think you’re crazy.
Mom: Look at it again and you’ll see what I mean.
I did read your twitter about Gold Medal Liquors on your credit card. Not good. Be careful, booze can put on weight. Your genes/jeans know expansion.
me: so now I’m thinking I might have to start sleeping with my professors
mom: Oh, honey. Grades aren’t that important.
me: wow that’s a better response then I expected from you
mom: Unless they are really hot, then go and have fun.
me: and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you
Backstory: My mom was upset that my fiance complained about taking me to the doctor. I have a condition and I can’t drive myself right now.
He is supposed to be your partner, right? your future husband? You have a medical problem and he needs to be there for you and too damn bad if it’s inconvenient for him or takes him out of his way. that’s what he’s supposed to do. Who else out there can you depend on if not him? I don’t care if he’s tired or put out, he should be doing these things because he loves you and he is concerned for your safety and health. You would do the same and much more for him and I know you already have, my dear. He needs to grow up, I know you don’t need to hear this right now, but this is the kind of thing that makes me angry when I am already worried about you and hate that you are so far away for me to help you. Ok, I’m done. Not quite, he needs to buck up and take care of you. OK, I’m done now!!!!! Just tell him he needs to get his ass up early one day and take you to the dr. if you still feel as crappy as you have been by Friday.
