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Backstory: I was getting ready to go on my first date after a rough break up, and was talking to a couple of different guys.
Just wanted to bless your sweet heart……you don’t have to play the game.
BTW, what are you thinking about dating 2 men? Let me know, cause girls used to do it all the time back in my day.
I love you.
Mom: I have a question for you…I was snooping through your brother’s text messages- he’s been sketchy- is that what y’all say?- lately. Anyways, his troublemaker friend sent him a text that said, “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?” What does that mean?
Me: Ummm…mom, what do you mean? It probably means “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?”
Mom: Oh…are you sure? I just thought maybe it could be some sort of hip secret code for some type of drug or something…
Backstory: I just found out I didn’t get into grad school…
mom: Do U want me to call one the the Deans and offer them sex like Forrest Gumps mother did?
me: You are priceless
mom: because I will just for You!
me: you crack me up, that’s going on the internet
mom: okay where Facebook, cause if U post my picture I want my new hair shown
mom: Do I have to text you in the morning?
me: Sure, around nine.
mom: Ok. Forgot to tell you…at the end of Mark Ballas’ Lindy he has a boner.
me: haha, I’ll have to look that up…
mom: Yup. Night, I love you.
Backstory: my mother recently started her own cable access television show. She sent this to me as a list of suggested improvements.
1. No extreme close ups!
2. After “Food for thought” No audio! (we can still be on camera but no audio
3. Linda and I on different sides
4. Cups of water on table
5. I say “wow” too much
6. Change intro so just one of us is saying welcome
7. More “tan” for me
8. No stars behind on set
9. Relax and have more fun!
10. No “Beaver motions” for Linda
Backstory: My mom is an OR nurse and was in surgery at the time, trying to look at a link I sent her via e-mail.
mom: I can’t look at it at work, they blocked it.
me: DUMB
mom: I know, way DUMB
me: what are you supposed to be doing?
mom: watching the field to see if they need anything
me: yeesh, it’s not like you’re saving lives or anything…
mom: Seriously! It’s just an eye.
Me: How can that article you suggested be from New York Magazine on April 6th when it’s April 2nd?
Nana: Don’t be a nudnick. Just know that I receive New York Magazine every Monday and last Monday’s was dated April 6. Please keep in mind, my beloved Amy, that I am merely very old, not senile.
Me: Ok I’ll try not to be a nudnick – even though I have no clue what that means – I can assume.
Do you really read New York Magazine?! I’m really surprised… it’s kind of trashy… are you sure it’s not the New YorkER?
Nana: Wise ass! I have read New York Magazine before it became trashy. I also have subscriptions to magazines dealing with sex toys and porno. Love you a lot.
Me: Nana must I remind you that this is my WORK email and they filter this stuff!!! I guess they missed this one… Anyway I am a wise ass but only out of my deep respect and admiration for you.
Nana: Go back to work. We need the money
Backstory: L is my mom’s friend who died of cancer.
Doll,
I’m so sorry to hear about your foot. This kind of injury has never happened to me personally but I know of a number of gal pals for whom this was a problem.
First – check with your dr. pals but I believe several sessions of hot-cold-hot is in order to reduce swelling. I remember that this happened to L and she ended up having the nail removed…and then she died.
Second – STOP DANCING. If I recall, it’s not one of your strong points anyway so just give it up. The first thing that came to my mind when I read your tail (foot) of woe was “I wonder what the other guy looks like…” :-D
I love you madly and am eager to hear how the foot progresses. Can’t wait to see you…7 days away!!
xxoo
Backstory: I got divorced a few years ago and found some of my ex’s things when packing. I sent him a polite email asking if he’d like me to drop them off and got a really nasty, insulting response. I forwarded it to my mom (it was mean, I wanted my mom!) and her response slayed me. Especially the exclamation point abuse.
NO WAY! What an ASS!
I’m so angry right now….If I lived there you can be sure I would have a word or two for him!!!!!!! What an ASS!
You just can not be nice to wacko’s! No way will he get the table …we will burn it and dance around it and spit on it to keep the evil D. demons away!!!!!!
me: i dreamt that i was making out with jim halpert last night
mom: SO your whorney
(3 minute pause)
mom: i had the same dream
i think it’s the way he kisses pam
me: you did not have the same dream
mom: not last night…but in the past
i sware… i didnt want to wake up
We are off to dinner, the restaurant we are going to cuts off your tie if you wear one. Yesterday the ladies found a great vintage clothing and costume store. I got your Dad a great tie for cutting. I also got some funny hats, we all took them to the party room last night and had fun taking everyone’s photos. Oh, did I mention the wigs?
Your Dad finally turned on his fun button today so all is good.
Love you both, lots…
M
Backstory: Momma works in a nursing home, and C is her much-older brother-in-law.
So, I’m at work, walking down the hall, minding my own business, not bothering anybody, and a resident was apparently trying to get my attention, which I failed to notice. Next thing you know, she explodes “HEY FAT LADY!”, which of course causes me to turn around and look, to which she bellows “That’s right, YOU!!! Get over here RIGHT NOW or I am firing you! You’re as lazy as you are FAT!” Needless to say there were 5 or 6 little skinny girls standing there who were highly amused at my expense.
Also, C informed me that he is, in fact, hitting on me.
Backstory: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend, and my aunt is letting us use her house since she will be out of the country.
Mom: Did E send you Aunt R’s address?
Me: Yes, I’m so excited! Cheap vacation, woo hoo!!!
Mom: I’m excited for you. Please take your own sheets.
Me: Ummm, ok. Thanks?
Mom: Don’t want any presents left behind…
Me: Eww I get it.
Mom: Also don’t forget your birth control. I love you, but that’s how I got you – forgot to pack bc.
Me: Love you too??
Mum: love you (*):>}
Me: That’s an incredibly ornate and confusing smiley thing. Is it wearing a hat? Love you too
Mum: yes it is wearing a hat…..
[Several days later]
Mum:
“|++++|
/#####\
* *
^
(~~~~)
Hi there!
How are you? How come we don’t hear from you anymore? Are you still coming home for that appointment on Thursday? Please don’t cancel it; it is too important. Also, you should not have “relations” EVER before a PAP test. Did you know that? It can change the results. I’d make sure that I did not, for a couple of days before. Would you want me to try to schedule a dental cleaning, too? That IS M’s day, and she might just have an opening. You have put that off much too long, too. Let me know.
Thanks!
MOM
Krista from Wilkes-Barre, Pa., come on down and claim your prize! You’re the winner of yesterday’s contest to win a signed copy of our new book LOVE, MOM: POIGNANT, GOOFY, BRILLIANT MESSAGES FROM HOME. For everyone else who entered (and who knew we had so many Heathers fans reading the site?), stay tuned for another contest later this week!
You think you’re depressed? Did you hear the news about Uncle John’s cat Blackie? He is really depressed – the cat died in the middle of the night and John had to put him in the freezer until he could take him to pet heaven at lunch….this is your family honey…
Do either of you lovely girls have the energy to pick me up – i arrive on AA#700 at 11:35 pm….if not, don’t worry, i can get in a cab with jack the ripper
love, mamasita
