Backstory: My mom’s a Korean immigrant who married an American back in the 1980′s and moved to the States with him.

Dear Bad Daughter,

That’s right. You are bad.

Just kidding. For once you’ve done nothing wrong.

Guess what. Today your Aunt Grace came over with Jon and Dana and you know, every time I see those kids I’m glad I didn’t marry a Korean who looks like Grace. I love Uncle Pete, but his kids will always be ugly. You know Mommy is harsh, so if you were ugly you would know. You girls are so lucky you’re not ugly…I think I’d be a lot sadder all the time.

You know, I wonder if Aunt Grace gets sad when you girls visit her. Oh well – she’s a mean person so maybe she deserves it a little!

Love,
Mommy

You may be interested (or embarrassed) in this critique and response between me and a writer of a Newsweek article. The incorrect use of nonplussed (can one be plussed? no, there is no such verb). I was finally pushed over the edge in the wide-spread and flagrant misuse of this fine word. I am glad to see that I have enlightened at least one person, even though my objection was really directed to line editors, who should know better.

My last campaign was to correct CNN for their constant misuse of “to beg the question”……

My next campaign will be directed toward HGTV for everyone’s mispronunciation of realtor (they always say real-a-ter).

love, your mom, changing the world one word at a time

On May 1st a check was born. Alas, like an unbaptized soul in Limbo, it has not reached check heaven. Check heaven is a place of great joy for birthday checks because there it can reach its full potential. No longer folded upon itself, ashamed to show its worth; it is free to pay bills, pay down debt, buy things you need or even to swell the balance of your checking or savings accounts. It could even be earning interest! Don’t let it suffer any longer. Free the little birthday check.

I can sleep on that couch. Just because I am almost 54 years old does not mean that I can’t sleep on a couch. I almost gave birth to your sister on that couch I guess I can sleep on it for a night.

Backstory: My mom hates her job and is apparently unconsciously starting to rebel when she is at work.

I just finished the last bite of my apple, threw the core in the trash, and unexpectedly let out a belch worthy of a longshoreman. Luckily, I am alone in my cell. No crowds have yet gathered to assess the commotion….

Your grandmother called yesterday. With Mother’s Day coming up, she felt lonely for Uncle C. So she took a little framed photo of him out of the box, put it on the dining room table and had a running conversation with him for a week. Mother’s Day night, she told C. that she enjoyed his company but that it was time for him to leave. So she put him back in the box.

How are you 2day? I had to take 2 showers this AM. I accidently put toothpaste in may hair instead of frizzeze

STOP laughing1

Backstory: I’m the lead singer in a rock band and a video of one our performances ended up on youtube.

I just watched the new video and the performance was great. However, is there anything I can do to stop you from wrapping the cord around your neck? The show will not suffer if you don’t do it. I cannot believe it’s worth the risk of tripping and falling, of it getting stuck and tightening, of a fan thinking it would be funny to grab it – you catch my drift. None of that is even related to the main reason not to do it. The kid in Worcester (who had just signed with a label was getting ready to tour) died because “The pressure caused a clot in his jugular vein that and stopped oxygen from flowing to his brain. He appeared fine immediately after the performance, but later felt dizzy and had a lack of sensation in his legs. He died the following day at Boston Medical Center.” You wouldn’t even know it was a problem until it is too late.
So I am begging you, please don’t do it anymore. Maybe to give you old mom this little bit of peace of mind you’ll consider it?

What a beautiful day! Hope you’re not tooooooooooooooo tired for your big trip home today!
So the topic of breakfast conversation this morning with your father was,”You should see the big poop that some animal,( probably a deer because they are vegetarians, right?) did right in the middle of the backyard! Before I had time to comment, he continued with the fact that the consistency was different from Chloe’s and you could see the yellow forsythia flowers in it! I hope that this is not an indication of how the rest of my day is going to go! Stay safe and see you soon!
Love,
Mama xoxo

Well when i’m pruning roses or anything i’m always afraid i overdo it and the plant will die but my new technique is to say aloud to it “fine go ahead and die then” then it always grows back…if i don’t say that then it dies.

tyra says the average woman has 8 sexual partners in a lifetime….yo mamas a ho!

oh, just remembered didnt tell you about pinching out…hard to explain and in fact depends what sort of plant you have….some are bush tomatoes (often if they are cherry, but not always) but if NOT bush tomatoes then pinching out is necessary- look in the plants arm-pits- you know between the main stem and the branches…if you see little sprouts there, rub them out or pinch off. If you dont, they grow huge and your plant goes all out of control and doesnt fruit so well.
You have to be quite bossy to be a tomato grower…No! you WILL grow THIS way and NOT the way you want to, stupid little plant….

I want you to stop hiding your VERY cute butt and start wearing cut-offs and bathing suits to show it off.  Everywhere you look people are talking about “who has the best butt” and the people they are raving about are Beyonce, J Lo, and this Kardashion girl and all of them have nice rounded “bootys’ that are bigger then yours.  Curves are IN, skinny is out and your are hiding yours – dumb.  You would look really good in tight cut-offs and instead you go around in baggy capris that are not near as flattering.  You need to show off your ‘assets’!  I would give a lot to have your butt instead of my flat saggy one, and I would show it off.  You have beautiful legs and you hide them too.  So start wearing shorter skirts instead of those “old lady” ones and flaunt what you are lucky enough to have.  One day it will be gone and then you will HAVE to wear old lady clothes, BUT NOT NOW!!!

There, that is my lecture of the day,
Love you, Mom

Backstory: Mom loves the shows Gossip Girl and Jon & Kate Plus 8. I sent her an e-mail about Jon’s recent affair with a young girl and this was her response..

I bet K will be pulling J’s hair transplants out or maybe plucking some from down under!

XOXO
Gossip Mom