After sneezing 5 times in a row and looking in the mirror I have noted to self to trim nose hairs.

Have a great day!!!

Backstory: My dad had back surgery, and my mom wanted to update me on his status.

Dad is fine but they r keeping him another night. Still peeing into the pitcher and #2 is being very shy and won’t come out! Thought you’d like to know! Lol

Backstory: Out of nowhere, I got this random text from my mother on a Friday night.  Sad thing is I was sitting at home doing nothing…

Out at a club dancing 2 back that ass up

Backstory: my husband and I were on vacation in europe and my mom emailed every day with family updates.  g is my niece, p is my sister in law.

last nite g was running around the back yard in diapers only.and her fungi shopping cart………..she picked up something that stuck to her hand . p said from the deck while i was smoking……………drop it gianna……..but it stuck to her hand ……………….guess what it was………………………………………………………dog poop……………..we won the trailer park family prize………..love mom

Last but not least….the morning gunk I have in my throat that requires me clearing my throat like my mother used to, may be a result of post nasal dripping. I’m supposed to try Claritin and see if it helps.

Have a fun nooner – but I have to tell you that it is a good thing you and [boyfriend] aren’t going to make a lifetime of it. He is waaay too young to be so sexually high maintenance. Are you sure he isn’t gay? Maybe he has a heart condition that he doesn’t know about. Maybe he should see a doctor. XO Mom

Hi- Just want to wish you a happy Friday, but especially a good Mother’s Day. Let them spoil you, you deserve it.
You’re the best mother I know. Take the kids to church and show them off; I used to like doing that, remember?

I have reconsidered my request for a Mother’s day gift from my favorite daughter unless, of course, you have already purchased my previously requested gift.

I would like a stainless steel juice water carrying container with a capacity of at least 32 oz. I now carry a plastic water bottle but they, the intranet, say that you should not use a plastic container because it can transmit toxins into the liquid. I don’t need any more toxins thank you very much. I have quite enough of those to be sure.

You may think that this is an easy request but alas it is not for I have searched for one. I don’t really want a thermos because they are large and rather heavy. Instead, I would prefer a lightweight something that would easily fit into the free Ikea black carry case that I have.

So that is my official request that supersedes my previous request.

Hopefully I will see you on Sunday.
Love,

Your Beloved Matriarch

Backstory: sent to my sister and me, email subject was ‘Queer Day’.

Good morning ladies, if you are wondering what my subject line is all about, let me explain. Back in the days when I was in school, thursday’s were known as queer day. If you wore yellow on that day you were probably gay (a word that came much later). Wow how the world has changed huh? I wonder how many people today would be wearing the yellow compared to then. How was that for a little piece of history? Take it to your class rooms. I feel wild and sassy today. Hope this finds you both ready to MAKE IT A GREAT DAY!!!

Backstory: My mom sent me this in an email after a weekend of not so great cooking.

I have decided to boycott the kitchen for a while since my cooking skills (and level of interest in it) have both disappeared like that stimulas package we were suppose to receive. Between the failed crabmeat au gratin, burnt & greasy fried chicken, over cooked squash, I’m done for a while. Did manage to come thru on the milk gravy but now you know how to fix it. Cans of soup & PB&J all sound just fine to me. See you Friday, mom

While perusing your baby registry, I noticed that you have breast crème on your list, and I may be wrong, but I vaguely recall that Nursing Mothers Association recommended against crème, and suggested instead sunbathing topless to toughen your nipples…cream may keep them too soft-that book I sent you is really helpful, even though it is put out by a bunch of breastfeeding zealots, in my opinion. Anyhow, check it out-I may be misremembering-and maybe cream is good if your nipples crack-which mine never did except for the time you bit me-and you had fangs-I did try to sunbathe topless when we lived on that sixty-acre farm, and a small plane kept flying over-at first I thought it was a coincidence, then, when it kept coming back lower and lower, I realized the pilot could probably see me, so I flipped him the bird, and he came back again and waved his wings at me…I was pissed-even in the country on a sixty-acre farm there’s no privacy!!

Backstory: I made pasta at home today and sent my family a picture of it. I thought it looked good.

Did someone barf on the stove?

Love,
Amma

Backstory: Mom went to a raunchy NYC bachelorette party for a friend’s daughter. She told me this type of thing didn’t exist when she got married in the 70s.

Sorry I missed your call.  I just got back from New York City. I went with N– and an entourage of young and less young women for N’s bachelorette party. I know, you can’t beleive it. It was quite a trip. We went to Hunk-a-Mania where I saw things I didn’t want to see, P– got mad and went home on a bus, and D–, who rented a Suburban and drove us there, had a turkey fly into the car’s windshield and smash it to bits! What a weekend.
Love, Mom

No matter how old you get, I can still tell you to wear a hat when it’s cold outside. And gloves. And close your pocketbook before someone steals your wallet.

Also: there’s a spot on your mirror you forgot to dust.

Text #1:
So pleased to hear about laura bob that the shelves are a success inte nun

Text #2:
So pleased to hear about laura bob that the shelves are a success love mum

Text #3:
So pleased to hear about laura bob that the shelves are a success kmmum