The Lawn Whisperer
Mom: I can hear the lawn calling out–begging to me mowed
Me: Oh really? That’s weird I don’t hear anything
Mom: Listen closer
Up for Grabs
Any need for the following:
Clothes shaver (w/batteries–yeah!)
Sponge Mop refills–What kind do you have? Do you have one?
A Weiner Whistle
Worshiping at the Electronic Altar
Mom: Guess how your dad fixed the TV while I was out of town this weekend.
Me: He bought a new one.
Mom: Predictable, isn’t he?
Me: I CALL THE OLD ONE! Predictable aren’t I?
Mom: I thought you might. Wait to see if he gets the old one fixed.
Me: Why is he getting it fixed if he bought a new one?
Mom: Sweetie. I mean really. It may have something to do with the mating call of the sonybird and the samsung warbler…sort of like the automotiveology religion. Your dad worships at many alters, many of them being electronic.
Unless Something Else Comes Up
Hi there – just a reminder to always put some sunscreen on – every day – regardless of the weather! ….skin cancer cases are way up – I had a little biopsy (waiting for results) from my forehead (which is probably fine)…I still feel horribly guilty about Ben’s second degree burns while at San Mateo day camp…once you are burned – those cells are at way greater potential for future cancer. yuck
okay – that’s the Jewish Mother message for the day (unless something else comes up) ha.
xoxoxox
You LOVED being danced with to “Thriller”
Can you believe it…..he died!!!
OMG, he was the number one album sold in 1983, you LOVED being held and danced with to “Thriller”, “Billie Jean” and “Beat It”. Whether you know it or not, you had a connection to him and his music. I don’t know if he was a pervert or not. I do know he was a very talented musician.
RIP, Michael…..
Love you and miss you.
Mom
A Fitting Tribute
Mom: This has to be shouted
Me: ??
Mom: BILLY MAYS IS DEAD!
Me: …
Mom: Get it? I yelled like he did.
Fashion Tips for a Drag Queen Son
Backstory: My mom will often give me (her dragqueen son with nails and purple hair) WAY random and out there advice on fashion. One day she was asking what I was going to be wearing to a family function.
mom: so what r u gonna wear?
me: i dunno. something black Im sure.
mom: really?!
me: well all my pink clothes are in the wash :)
mom: :( well just don’t dress like Cher and don’t wear tight sweaters, they make you look cheap.
me: all righty then…..
‘Stache Advice
There is a new drug on the market called Vaniqa. It is a cream. It gets rid of facial hair. You need a prescription. You should look it up before you go to the dermatologist.
He’s Getting Socks this Year
mom: so do you like the guy?
me: maybe
mom: did you hook up with him?
me: maybe
mom: okay, just don’t get too close. I don’t need anyone else to buy christmas presents for.
Good News!!!
My kidney stone just popped out a moment ago!!! Yay!!!!!!
Michael Jackson and Menopause Brain
Me: LA Times just confirmed the King of Pop died… :(
Mom: It’s so sad and shocking. I know he was weird but I still remember him as a kid and then in his 20s when he was at the top. Awesome then.
Me: I know. You should make R [my brother] do the moonwalk in rememberance. He’s so good at it!
Mom: I didn’t know that!
Me: What?! He used to always do it when we were kids!!
Mom: There goes my menopause brain again
Ham Junkies
Backstory: Mum likes to keep me updated on the cats while I’m at uni.
I gave them your message and Bubbles just looked at me, like – you cow, what have you done to my mummy? Squeek seemed to understand but still looked a bit sad, so I gave them some ham and now they both love me more than you so you don’t need to worry about them now because they have forgotten you. They are now ham junkies and I am their dealer.
Dating Up
Backstory: My mom recently ran into a family friend who is older than both her and my father. I have known him my whole life and think of him as an uncle.
mom: I ran into B today and he was asking about you.
me: well thats nice, how was he?
Mom: he’s fine, I told him you were single.
Me: why would you do a thing like that? You do realize that he is older than you right? And he lives with his mother…
Mom: Well who do you expect to date, 13 year old boys?
More Unwanted Advice Coming Soon…
If you have the time, please let us know when we can come down. We will resort to going to the zoo and “dropping in” if we don’t hear from you soon. Maybe a month at Thanksgiving, two months for Xmas, six months for Easter.
Love,
Mom
ps, I think you need a litter of puppies-3 or 4, a cat and some goldfish.Maybe a mouse or two, because you have the time.
Love some more
Mom
pps
I’m sure I can think of more unwanted advice, but I’m only into my first cup of coffee.
Start Littering, Stop Breathing
Backstory: I got a notice today saying someone at my office was diagnosed with the Swine Flu. Some good advice from my mother on how to handle it…
Wash you hands, wash you hands, wash your hands. Don’t share pencils, etc. Put a paper towel over the bathroom door handle as you leave and drop it on the floor if you can’t reach the trash can while you hold open with your foot.
PS Don’t breathe at work. Love, MOM
Mom Vs. Telemarketers
Me: Mom, do you have a fax machine now? My calls won’t go through.
Mom: Yes, we bought that to stop telemarketing calls. We turn it on, and they can’t call us.
Me: Mom, NO ONE can call you.
Mom: Oh, I guess you’re right. Just send me an email when you want to call and I’ll turn off the fax.
Red-Headed Heartbreak
mom: you still upset about that boy not calling you back?
me: yes
mom: well, i’m glad he didn’t. he had red hair.
me: it was auburn.
mom: he had freckles.
me: i liked his freckles.
mom: i don’t want you dating anyone with red hair. i would never be able to enjoy the beach.
Checking Up On the Dogs
Backstory: While dog sitting for a friend, I asked my mom to swing by and check on them while I was at work….
Just told ur dogs 2 go 2 bed. Cherie was sleeping on ur pink pillow. Anje hopped up and started humping her. I left them that way.
Reasons to Call Dad, from 1987
Sunday is father’s day. Call your dad and say something nice. He saved your life when you were choking around 1987. Thats the only reason I can come up with right now. Other than a “Thanks for the random fertilization and DNA shit.”
We Are No Bubbly Beckis
Backstory: A friend and I auditioned for Deal or No Deal. We didn’t make it.
I do not understand Deal or No Deal and have only watched brief parts. I bet you have to be ‘bubbly.’ We are not Bubbly people or your names would be Becki! (you and the other one). I am feeling Jeopardy…you can be smart with one good story to tell! You have a lot of stories and you’re smart as a whip!!
Talk to me soon.
Love, mom
