I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.

And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”

xoxoxoxoxox

Mama

Thanks for the mag & shirt & other laundry I gave you. I forgot I had a pair of your panties in my purse to give to you. So if you are looking for a pretty, hot pink, Victoria Secret pair, I’ve got them! I’ll put them on dining room table until I see ya again….

Love, MOM

Dad and I went to Clapton last night and they had Guinness on tap. Yummie! I had too many black and tans last night. I beleive the year on the Guinness cart said “‘since 1759″ which would be 250 years of delicious celebration.

Backstory: I sent my mom an article about a woman who has trust issues in relationships because her mom read her journal when she was a teen (my mom is also a giant snoop, especially when I was going through my “dark” times).

Dear Daughter,
I never, ever read your journal or your letters, only your poems. They were great by the way. Even the woman at the suicide hot-line thought so.
Love Mom

Backstory: J is my younger brother. He is 22. This was sent to my work email with this exact subject line.

I’m glad J called me on this one…He told me this customer he met at work from Aspen who was on tour with this singer who sang at the Olympics offered him and his manager each a car and a Jaguar for J. He told them he was doing this cause he was trying to write off taxes and not have to pay. He would ask them each for $1000 just for handling fees. He later “discretely” told J to not to tell his boss, that he would give J the car of $100 instead of $1000! It’s scary that J thinks the whole thing is for real! I told him this was a scam and not to sign anything and not to tell the guy nor give him his address, otherwise he’d come and rob us! I left a message to J not to go for drinks or dinner with the guy under any circumstances. J did not see this as a scam. Maybe you can talk with him.

Backstory: my mom REALLY wants to be a grandma. even if I have to become a slut to make it happen.

Kendra is having a baby!!!!

OMG I’m so happy!!!!

Her mom is so lucky!!!!

She’s going to be  grandma!!!!

And Kendra is only 23!!!!

She’s a slut—but only 23!!!!!

THAT MOVIE WAS SO STUPID, I CAN’T BELIEVE SAT THRU IT. DUANE AND I WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE PLACE UNTILL THESE OTHER 4 PEOPLE CAME IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES AFTER THE MOVIE STARTED, THEY SAT THERE FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES AND THEN GOT UP AND LEFT. OF COURSE DUANE FELL ASLEEP WHEN THE POP CORN RAN OUT. IT DID HAVE SOME FUNNY MOMENTS, BUT AS A WHOLE IT WAS JUST STUPID. WILL FARREL NEEDS TO GET A CLUE.

First I heard that bears were sighted in our town, along the highway.

Now, Police are alerting residents about bear sightings in the area of Pine Road.

He’s pretty close to our house. If he travels by foot, he’s over an hour away. But if he uses googlemaps, then he’s only 9 minutes by car!

He’s going for free meals at bird feeders. I only have hummingbird feeders. I think I’m okay.

Next time we are all watching TV together, make room for the dog! Poor Duke was searching for a place to sit and you couldn’t spare a few inches. I hope you’ll reconsider your selfish personality. He’s a dog!
Love ya, Mom

Backstory: My family emigrated to the United States in 1997. We are Muslim and we are from Bosnia and Herzegovina – and  we do not conform to any of the stereotypes Americans have of Muslims: we are European and we look, dress and behave like other Europeans. My mother enjoys the reactions she gets from people when she tells them she is Muslim so much that she often brings it up inappropriately. She tells me all about her adventures in e-mails she insists on writing in English for practice. This one, especially, made me cringe with embarrassment.

Hellooo my soul!

I finished listening Obama’s speech at Muslims again and again on YouTube! I made a little bit happy cry! I talked to your aunt by telephone! She don’t got to shout into it to be heard in America! I have now a headache. She cried too.

She told me your cousin is sending two pair of high heels and want you to send back two shirts, one what has American Eagle logo and another GAP. Summer shirts. Do you got money for that?

If you don’t got it, I can give! I went to bank today to meet Americans! I told one woman how happy I am at Obama’s speech because I am Muslim! She was surprised I have blond hair and blue eyes! We talk a long time!

She gave me a list how to resurrect an American meatloaf, ingredients and times and everything! I showed her picture of you, she gasped! She said you look like on movies! I give her your number for her son! Did he call yet? Tell me everything!

I meant to tell you, I had the Sarah Palin sex dream again last night. I frighten myself. Perhaps I must clean my mind out with bleach.

Love mummy xxx

Just wanted you to know, I added the printer myself.  Went to HP and found the driver and installed it.  I can be pretty smart when I want to be.  hahaha!  Love you.  Mom

Backstory: I have a really great email address that I’ve had for years – it’s just my first name at mac.com. The only problem with it is I get this kind of email fairly often. Unfortunately, this isn’t my Mom. She figured out how to setup her printer, but she doesn’t know her kid’s email address.

Backstory: My neighborhood is home to wild peacocks. They recently terrorized my mom’s garden, eating the first bell pepper she ever grew. She was distraught but seems to have fallen in love with a peahen and her four babies. I receive picture updates every couple of days.

The babies seem to double in size every week. they don’t appear to be fond of corn (though they sure were last year) but definitely puddle up over a baguette. i’ll test cheese & wine over the next few days to be sure they are not my love children.

also – one baby is particularly brave and piggy. i’ve named him super pig. he just seems to run around the yard w/ his face full of bread.

Hello honey,
I am writing you this because I love you

So love is a wonderful thing allaspects it, including handholding and lovemaking. When you reach the lovemaking part of love, you need to be prepared. I know this topic has been a regular discussion, part of the fabric of our life in the kitchen, but it doesn’t hurt to have it again. First, sex is the best when you’re with someone you truly, truly care about and who truly, truly cares about you. And each of you in a loving relationship needs to be responsible to one another. For him, he should know the rule “no glove no love” and you need to think about being on birthcontrol or have handy, the morning after pill. These pills both require a prescription. I am bringing this up because dad and I hope for you healthy and rewarding relationships and because we do not believe in abortion and neither one of us is ready to raise a child. And lord, neither are you.

So anyway, there’s my speech given only out of love.

Mom