DEAR DAUGHTER,

DON’T TIE A ROPE AROUND YOUR NECK AND YOUR GENITALS. IT WILL MAKE THE PAPER, IF YOU DIE.

LOVE,
MOM

I just read somewhere (blogland) that if you are in a situation where you have to concentrate on talking to people you don’t know well, and you are pretty bored, but you don’t want to let on to them, that you should visualize the types of things that could be easily inserted into their nostrils. Magic markers, jelly beans, coins, erasers, etc. That way, you are looking at them intently, but in reality, you are amusing yourself. You’d be surprised when you start looking at people’s nostrils how different they all are .. some are big, some are little, some are round, some are flat, some are easily accessed …

I’m just saying … in case you’re ever in that kind of situation …

Backstory: The podiatrist diagnosed my mom with a degenerative joint disease in her big left toe. She somehow recently cracked the bone so she has to wear a boot to immobilize it for 2 weeks.

Hey girls -

This picture is per Tal’s request, cuz she said she needed a good laugh!!! JK

Anyway– be warned….. this could be you in 30 years if you keep on wearing high heels. And let me tell you, it does not feel good!!!

love ya- take care. Mom

P.S. the Yo Mama title is becuase I am getting ready to go ghetto to work tomorrow (one pant leg pushed up). Not by choice, though!!!

boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!
that was on a funny tv show just now…..
just wanted you to know that i found your purple sheets
they were in one of the bags labeld blue sheets
Love, Mom

Backstory: I recently started a new job and sent my mom an email complaining about my incredibly strange boss.

Ah yes – plays well with others. Much harder as an adult. As I look back at all the freaks I’ve worked with, its definitely better looking back at the situation than being in the middle of it. Put your patience sombrero on and breathe deep. Some people are truly strange and beyond help. I know this is why they made you do group projects in school – to build your frustration tolerance.

Backstory: We live in Texas and my mom is going to visit a friend in Alabama. This is the first time she will be traveling with a cell phone.

How are you? I had fun witchu yesterday. I will miss you for 11 days, but you can still text me. If you want to. Or call. I think they have phone service in Alabama. Or do they? Send me a message by courier possum!!
Love MOM

Children,
Your parents are leaving for Florida tonight:
Islip McArthur on Southwest flight — departing at —– arriving at West Palm Beach (THANK GOD ALMIGHTY) at —-
Returning on Southwest flight — from West Palm Beach(PBI) Wed. at —arriving at Islip at —-.

Should my plane fall from the sky, my will is in my top left hand drawer of my dresser, right on top when you open drawer in a large white envelope.
Love-MOM

Backstory: Mom emailed me telling me she pulled a muscle in her back. I recommended a sore muscle balm I’ve used before, but warned her because it smells pretty strong.

Well right now I have a hot pak stuffed down the back of my pants…..so smell is the least of my worries. I have a hump on my lower back.

ha ha ha it hurts to laugh so im not using any capital letters

I thought you would have called me back by now. Your sister’s teacher recently traveled to Chicago to see his stepson perform the part of “Edward” in an adaptation based on King Lear.

He had told parents, “Please be warned that this play has violence, nudity, and sex.” However, he did not mention that in one of his scenes he performs in the nude. His mother was quite shocked to see her son’s “birthday suit” on stage covered in nothing but some muck. I think I would have passed out if one of you girls had done that.

Generally speaking, I like to encourage the expanding one’s cultural horizons, and they did say that overall, the production was good. However, I am not recommending you see it.
Love, Mom

Backstory: I came out to my mom maybe four years ago.

So you know how you’re not supposed to treat boy and girl babies any differently? Well, when you were little everyone how saw you would call you “sweetie” and “honey.” So when I had you with me I’d call you “sport” and “slugger” and tell you to man up. Maybe this is why you’re bisexual…

Love you,
Mom

Backstory: My mum has asked me about twenty times for the details about a work thing. I replied with the details again and chided her for not remembering.

Hi Baby Bear,
I did remember – just not the details! I listen to everything you say and retain it all – within the limits of my memory. This morning i went out without a watch, earrings, rings or mobile phone. I mean see what you are up against? Then went and ordered some glasses as I stood on mine in yoga the other day.
Love you lots and lots
(Forgetful) Mama Bear.

Backstory: I met an English guy while out clubbing this weekend, and texted my mom about it. she had also recently sent me some Italian chocolates, so i guess it was a twofold meaningful text.

Don’t be blinded by the english accent, you weenie!! love you and hope you enjoy the chocolate.

Backstory: My mom uses free internet email, but complains constantly about the yellow teeth ads. She also thinks that I somehow possess the power to turn them off.

Doll:
how do I get rid of these sickening teeth/mouths that just keep appearing on my email?
it makes me want to vomit to see their old gaping nasty yaps.
Help!!
Mom

Backstory: My mom and stepdad went to California for their anniversary and trusted my stoner stepbrother to show them around.

going to san fran today
fucking hippies are dirty …in the woods with Pot….cold..doing the tor thing today

Backstory: To my conservative mother, recycling and having gay friends basically makes you a rebel. She’s always trying to be supportive of my wacky life “choices”. A slip of a pronoun is enough to send her imagination running.

Hi son,

I called your house today and your roommate answered. When asked to speak to you he said, “She’s not here.”

Why’d he say she? Is there something you need to tell me? Let me know.

Love, Mom

Dear Daughter,
This is a test. If you do not respond by email by 8 p.m. tonight, I will assume you never received it. Last time I tried to send you an email it was returned with a message that I was not accepted as a legitimate correspondent or something to that effect. It was months ago that this happened. Bottom line…the attempt to communicate failed not because I used a wrong address but because I did not pass muster and was halted by some GATE KEEPER. Your legal Mother