i just saw this commercial for Trojan Ecstasy condoms.  The woman goes to the counter and says it feels like there’s nothing on.  Apparently, they are lubed on both sides.  Worth a try I say.

Backstory: my mom sent my siblings & my dad “A friend thinks you would be interested in this article” link from Time–a bio of Nemazee, the Clinton/Obama fundraiser who is in big trouble, and this note from her.

went out with this guy in 8th grade. he picked me up in a limo for a date.

Why did you send me that text last night and who is that Colin? Is he evil? MOM

Backstory: Mom works at a university with a young Greek fella she thinks would be a good match for me, and she emailed me to announce his recent return from vacation. When talking to me, she refers to him oh-so-discreetly as “Greek Salad.”

Saw him and said “Welcome back.” His voice is a bit high but I doubt he is gay since I saw him almost lose his eyeballs looking at a female student with olive skin and long dark, straight hair. Of course, he could just be trying to see if he knew her. He is so committed to causes and good works; he is Saint Salad.

Hi girls,
Dad and I are making plans to write a new will…..most things will probably be divided by 3 but some specific items will be mentioned….put in your special requests for our worldly goods now.  Jewelry, glassware,paintings, guns, etc.

MOM

Honey
When I cleaned out the laundry room, I found your Halloween sock–don’t laugh, I’m sending it to you because oct 31 is around the corner.
Looking forward to seeing you this weekend, even though you’re busy with your friends.  Are you coming home Fri night or Sat?

Love ya
Momma Bear

Backstory: I am currently working two jobs plus graduate school and planning my wedding from a distance…panicked this morning about not having a veil or picking out the silk flower headpiece – so I just bought one, on the internet and had it sent to my mom’s house. And then asked if being an adult ever got better. This was her response.

It looks lovely.  I’ll be looking for it.  It does not have to match exactly colorwise since it will be separated from the dress by your head.
Mom
PS  No being grownup is often not fun.

Backstory: My mom lives HUNDREDS of miles from me, my brother and sister. I’m sure nobody took her weird Q tip (the first I’ve even heard of such a device??) but it’s one of many similar queries/accusations we kids get.

to my three children: who has my bamboo chinese ear pick please? it’s a long stick that works better for getting out ear junk than a q tip

This morning I was returning my spices to the new kitchen (very exciting) and I noticed a bottle of “mace” from the A n P Tea Company. The very source of of the legendary celery salt which met its demise a year or two ago. Well, the expiration date on the mace is October 17, 1975. It had been priced at $.99 but it was purchased (reduced for quick sale) for $.50.

Now if you are wondering what one does with mace. About 1.8 to 1/4 teaspoon go in an old fashioned pound cake. i might be able to get 6 more cakes out of this bottle!

I love both of you,
Me

Backstory: I was going out on a date with a new guy, and I texted my mom to tell her he picked me up in a Bentley.

I hope he isn’t a pimp trying to get you to work for him. Please don’t do it, even though you are poor!

So i was eating lunch and for some reason your tits kept popping in to my noodle :)