V-Card Bouquet
Backstory: This was a card attached to a huge bouquet of flowers i received at my place of work exactly 1 year after i lost my virginity.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!
XOXO
Love,
Mom
Thanks for the Boobs!
So I was looking around for a bra to put on under my t-shirt before your cousin Ryan arrives, and found one of yours — padded, no straps. I’ve been struttin all day! Much bigger than I’m used to!
Mom the Stalker
I went over to your apartment and was calling outside and the realtor was showing the apartment below you and she let me in the building at pressed your floor and I left the little blue box outside your door. Then raced back to Lorrie’s apartment to email you, so you wouldn’t get nervous that it was left by a stalker.
Have a great day!
Love, Mom xoxo
That Would Scare Off the Perverts and Stray Cats.
Me: I was looking at the Missouri sex offender list this morning. There are 534 registered sex offenders within 5 miles of my new apartment… eek!
Mom: I’m getting you some mace on my lunch break today. I found some in the gun shop. I will mail to you immediately!
Mom: Would you rather I just get you a gun? That would scare off the homeless, the perverts, and the stray cats.
There’s An App for THAT?
Mom: C’mon, I know there’s no vibrator app for your i-phone!
Me: There is! It’s called myvibe. I think it’s hilarious.
Mom: Seriously??
Me: Yeah. Google it. Isn’t that crazy?
Mom: Really! I can’t imagine that anyone would want that – while you’re driving – isn’t that more distracting than texting??
HEY BISH
Mom: HEY BISH
Me: hiiii
Mom: WHAT ARE YOU DOING ….. WITH YOUR LIFE
Me: are the caps necessary?
Mom: B I T C H
Me: what a wonderful greeting when i get home
Mom: I do what I can
How Dad Enjoys Life
Dad got the OK from the doctor yesterday, everything is perfect and he told him to go enjoy life. Which he already does with drinking and smoking and gambling. Did I miss anything?
Because you look prettier that way.
Backstory: I was spending 3 months abroad and my mom (who just learned how to use the computer) and I were emailing each other every day. She doesn’t speak English so I translated it from Portuguese. B would be me, and Mcam would be a Web Cam
I got the other pictures. They turned out really well. Send me more whenever you feel like it.
B, could you my honeybee, cut your bangs again? Because you look prettier that way.
I’m not trying to upset you my daughter, but I really like your hair that way.
B, could you please buy me a mcam? I don’t know if this is the name but you understand, right?
I hope I can talk to you before New Year’s, why aren’t you calling me, why?
kisses,
Mami
Damsel in Distress
Backstory: My car battery died and I paid Roadside Assistance $60 for someone to come out and jump me. My mom thought this was completely ludicrous.
Mom: well, toss them to the curb and just look distressed and put up your hood and someone will help
Mom: use your feminine wiles!
Me: i don’t have feminine wiles.
Mom: oh yes you do…. two of them….
You Could Even Pass Out!
You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.
Tanning Bed Apology
Backstory: Growing up my parents used to take my two older sisters and me to the tanning beds to “pretan” for our trips to Florida, Jamaica, etc. This is back when you were allowed to stay in tanning beds for 30 minutes! My mom would sit in there with me because I was scared. We would even get out of elementary school to go tan for our trip.
There is another study out saying that tanning beds are a big contributor to cancer. We need to stay out of them. Sorry for taking you to them when you were younger. We thought it was better to pretan.
From now on.. sunscreen is needed.
Love you lots,
Mom
Making Calls from the Great Beyond
Mom: So L* and I were talking this past Sunday and we both decided that we want to be buried with a fully charged cell phone, just incase we need to phone ahead for reservations to Heaven or if we get lost and require directions…..Or worse yet if we forgot to give our offspring one final bit of info….LOL
Me: Oh lord, you’re going to haunt me from the grave?!
Mom: Only if you dress me funny….
Me: Bahahaha
Mom: I remember what you said @ that hat shop downtown in Chicago…
Me: Which was?
Mom: That I’d be dressed funny if I didn’t behave….
Me: Hehe. well…then you should just behave, huh? ;)
Mom: I behave most of the time, if I don’t I have fun…then I pray and repent….
Where Should Dad Pee? In the Trash, Of Course
Backstory: My dad doesn’t often drink… cb is my brother.
Mom: i am so ahhhhh
Mom: your father just peed in the trash can
Me: HWAT?!
Mom: yeah cb screamed what are you doing and he said ive got to go
Me: why a TRASH CAN?!!
Mom: it was close
Me: so are BATHROOMS
Mom: but it wasnt totally empty
Me: why IN A TRASH CAN WHAT THE HECK
Mom: he said he didnt know what time it was
Me: iosfadsgidfsgjkf what does that have to do with ANYTHING
Mom: too many drinks at los cabos
Me: clearly
Me: wow
Mom: demon rum
Mom: well at least he got up and didnt do it in the chair while he sat there
Put it on! Put it ALL on!
Me: I never thought I’d see the day when one of the highlights of my weekend would include going to Lowes to buy weatherstripping.
Mom: And I never thought I’d see the day when I could proudly say my daughter is a (weather)stripper.
Mom: Put it on! Put it ALL on!
Handy Dandy CAPS LOCK
Backstory: Mom just got a new phone, and my brother just got a job as a blogger on a Rams fan site. She apparently read the comment I left saying the Rams suck.
Mom: HI I AM JUST PLAYING WITH MY NEW PHONE HOW WAS UR FIRST NIGHT IN UR NEW APT
Mom: I CANNOT BELIEVE U PUT THAT ON ETHANS BLOG SHAME ON U THE RAMS ARE GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND BEAT YOU UP
Me: I seriously doubt the Rams will hunt me down and beat me up
Mom: I DONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE THE CAPS OFF MY PHONE PEOPLE WILL THINK I’M YELLING
Me: That’s handy, because you are always yelling
Mom: TRUE
May is Her Favorite Month
Backstory: My mom insists on sending my brother and me this creepy poem every May 1st.
Hooray
Hooray
The first of May
Outdoor sex
Begins today!
Mom’s Beer Summit
Backstory: My mom forwarded me an e-mail from white house.gov from Barack Obama. I responded: Wow mom, Barack Obama e-mailed you personally.
yes we are quite close….in fact i’ll be joining him, gates and the police officer for a beer tonight on the whitehouse lawn so i won’ t be cooking dinner
How Mom’s Phone Drowned
Hello, sweetie…just thought I’d drop you a line and let you and only you know how my phone drowned. But you can’t tell. I’ve been storing it in my bra as it is a safe and easy reach, and I was outside washing bird poop off my car right before going to the health club, so I stored it in my new “pocket” which happened to be in the bathing suit I had on.. I continued on my way. About 15 minutes into my water aerobics class,I realized, I didn’t leave my phone in the locker room..
What do you think…any chance it will work????
Jeez! It was such a good place too. i was so proud of my discovery! I ws just about to share it with everyone!
Love you!
Mom.
in case of emergency call your daddy.
dear daughter,
i will be out of my office and unable to take phone calls until 8 pm as i have another event to attend to at the catholic church in pennsylvania beginning at 5 pm entailing the selling of clothes and fine housewares. thank you for your undersanding and we hope this does not inconvenience you. in case of emergency call your daddy.
mommy
Johnny Depp is going to play a VAMPIRE!
Backstory: i had just let my mom know that my brother was picking me up from work…
Okay, thanks for telling me….and guess what? Johnny Depp is going to play a VAMPIRE!
He said that he used to run home after school to watch a favorite TV show that he was crazy about and now he is going to play the part of the main character…BARNABAS COLLINS in Dark Shadows. Guess who else used to run home, although I was a little older, and watch Dark Shadows? That’s right, me. I can’t wait. Some things never change. Once dark always dark.
Mom
