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Me: Guess what my computer let me do today!
Mom: did you burn my cd?
Me: Yup!
Mom: yeaaaaa!
Mom: right after reading your msg the Journey song came on the car radio and then of course I remembered Glee is on tonight, double yeaaaaaa!
Hi Kiddles,
The WHO has raised the threat level from Swine flu to 5, the second highest. They say a pandemic is imminent. You really do need to wash your hands after being in public, and especially if you’ve been around someone who is sneezing or coughing. If you feel sick at all, go to Health Services immediately. I hope this all blows over quickly, as with SARS, but we just don’t know.
Buy some canned food and water? I’m going to.
I just want you to stay healthy!
Love you,
Mom
Backstory: This was my mom’s R.S.V.P to my wedding. T is my step-dad and R is my brother.
Hello honey,
Here is our dinner choices for the big event.
2 garlic shrimp (T and R)
1 chicken for me.
I also am requesting an end piece of cake, one with lots of frosting. Otherwise you will see me hitting the cake table a few times and that would not agree with my thighs. Oh well lets see– cake thighs cake thighs cake thighs cake cake cake cake! Cake wins (it always wins). I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself. (about the wedding not the cake) ……….cake wedding cake wedding cake ………lets not go there I’m just really excited!
love mom p.s.(I’m really excited for the wedding)
Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.
Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture”
Backstory: My mom usually emails me first thing in the morning. If she forgets, I usually get busy and don’t email her. So, if she hasn’t heard from me all day, I get some sort of sarcastic where is my daughter email.
Mom: I had this kid, her name is L, I saw her yesterday, but today she seems to have vanished. Have you seen her by any chance?
Me: Hmm, the name is so familiar. It’s so lucky I heard from you, I’m wondering, if you’ve seen my mom, her name is A. She’s been missing all day.
Mom: Hmmm… the lines of communications appear to be malfuncting. I have seen that Mom named A. I think I have… she is tall, willowy and skin like an angel, voice like a gentle summer rain. Is that the one??????
Me: Oh, yes that is certainly the one of which I speak.
I love you. N was on vacation. Then she was sick. I have been at the reception desk more often to cover. She also had some unexpected meetings. I use her computer. That is on the city system. People have been using my computer when I am next door. That is as it should be because it does not really belong to me. That is why you have not heard from me besides the fact that we are not really supposed to use them for personal use. I received 3 junk or suspicious e-mails. It may be because people were using my computer. Sometimes (I am sure you know) if you visit a site, then they put you on a list. All of this is to say I miss you so much but I am not going to e-mail you from work. Love, Mom
Sleeping in one’s clothes is often the best indicator of having a wild night. When we woke up in Chicago, at S’s apt, on Sun, I noted that all of us still had our original clothes on. We DID shower and change before going out but oftentimes I do wonder why we bother packing other clothes for our weekends.
Backstory: I was telling Momma about a party I am invited to with a mythical theme and how I was trying to think of a costume.
Mom: You should have no probs with that
Me: I have to think of a character. Time to go through my copy of Bullfinch’s or my fairy tale books
Mom: I’m sure you’re equal to the task
Mom: Go in the nicki noo na as Lady Godiva – no costume necessary, just hair
Backstory: It’s almost October, and I’d had a conversation via Facebook with my mom’s assistant about how to say “very drunk” in German. I guess it got back to my mom.
You don’t need to say anything in German – - you simply sing, “Yah, Yah, Yah, Yah, and then a couple of ooompas with your stein held high
(don’t forget, I am also German).
Me: Did you see that 19 pound whale of a baby in the news?
Mom: you were almost that big.
Me: No, no i wasn’t
Mom: You were 10.6, thats almost that 11
Me: The difference being an entire baby’s weight!
Mom: I lied and told everyone that you were a beautiful 9 pounds even on your birth announcements…
Me: I don’t even know where to begin…
Mom: I know, call me an over achiever. I wonder why you aren’t taller? They told me you would be so tall.
Me: sorry to dissappoint you.
Backstory: My Dad bought Beatles Rock Band the other day, and my Mom, who used to be really fast at responding to my texts, has stopped replying. I text her to find out if her texting was broken.
im sure that if i hadnt been rehearsing for our concert tour i wouldve sent you a text
Backstory: I was griping about getting information 3rd hand from across state lines.
You know this is why we always end up being in control. We can’t stand for someone else to not ask all the right questions.
I saw a quote on facebook. It said “Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels good while you’re doing it but afterwards you realize you just f*$%!!! yourself.” I thought it was wonderfully funny and so very appropriate. (By the way, I realize this has nothing to do with the subject at hand but I wanted to share it with you.)
Love, Mom
Mom: I have this pen for you if you want it. Parkers used to be THE pens, and I got one for free.
Me: What? How can a pen be THE pen. A pen is a pen.
Mom: No, like Mont Blanc pens. Those are THE pens, too. Have you never heard of Mont Blanc?
Me: No, ofcourse not.
Mom: Look it up!
Me: lol
Mom: LOOK IT UP
Me: Fine fine
Mom: So do you want this pen? Don’t lose it.
Me: I will lose it, everyone loses pens.
Mom: Well then I’ll keep it.
Backstory: My mom was always very open to answering questions about our “parts” when we were younger, so she must be referring to one of those conversations
Also I wanted to tell you that a Yahoo article about the racer whose sexual identity was in question used the term”hermaphrodite” in describing her. I was going to forward you the article but it was not one I could forward. The term was used in the title of the article, also, something like “So and so termed a hermaphrodite”. Good thing we had those dinner table conversations.
Speaking of which, did you see the article about the woman who has been impregnated twice within a few weeks. Two embryos have been found in her womb, but were conceived about two and a half weeks apart. Interesting. If the one ingests the other, I guess that would be a chimera, correct?
Oh, well. Back to my weeds.
Mom
Backstory: Occasionally, I get emails from this random woman who has my e-mail address mixed up with her daughter’s. I haven’t had one in about a year, because I keep responding and saying that I’m not her daughter, because I know how mad my mom would be if she thought I was blowing her off.
chris hi honey do you know megans e mail? i wanted to send her happy birthday! i got the internt. so write me so i can see its working. how is kristi? did you get the chicken i left at grannys? iwant you to work on my tatoo when are you going t grannys? i love you mom
Backstory: My mother apparently ran into someone who was rather unfriendly to me in High School. Karma I guess.
I wanted to tell you last nite, but Dad was on the phone and he would have gotten mad. But we saw M[high school acquaintance] at the old Albert’s. And she has gained a lot of wait, her butt is big. I shouldn’t be this way, but it shocked me.
Backstory: I recently told my mom that I was on a low cal diet and now she insists on sending me ideas on how to avoid temptation.
u need to throw those m&ms in the trash and eat salad for dinner. ha ha. the biggest loser is on now that should help. Have you seen them??
Backstory: My boyfriend and his two cats moved in with me apartment this week.
hi,
please tell me again the name of the cats and a brief description of each. i want to be able to call them by name when i meet them. don’t want to be rude.
luv u,
mom xoxo
I am rather proud of the impressive purple bruise on my hip. It continues to grow. It’s about 12 inches long, 6 inches wide and in the shape of Africa!! Beat that!!
I would have Rick take a picture of my hip to show you but Africa with cellulite would just be gross!!
Principles of Thomas Jefferson to live by (in part): ‘moderation in all you do’ and ‘do not adjust your crotch in public’. Dad falls short on both accounts.
