Backstory: I e-mailed my mom asking her for motherly advise on how to get my boyfriend to help me clean up around our apartment.

Ok so this is advise from your friend and not your mother. You have to make him understand that you are not his mother. You can suggest that if he would like to continue to be in you good graces….ie your pants that he remembers you arent the maid or the cook. Good luck.

Backstory: this was the only line in the email – not in any way a p.s.

ps I hate the picture you have for your facebook profile pic. Pick the one by the tree in europe. its very pretty.

Is your correct school email address [ ]AT[ ].edu? I have it in several different formats. I hope all of the shit I send to that account hasn’t gone to Neverland.

I have to take Sam to the doctor. Two nights in a row, he has been lying on the couch next to me when suddenly he announces, “rocket thrusters engage” and he blows a big one. I told him he needs to get his butt checked.

Backstory: Still not sure if mom sent this to me because of my blatant love of bacon, or because she thinks I use a lot of lube.  I’m too afraid to ask.

Love bacon and all its goodness? Want to spice things up in the bedroom? Well, you’re sure to love this new product, baconlube™ . baconlube is a delicious personal lubricant designed to “keep it sizzlin’”. Now you can have your cake and eat it too.

Please note that the product is still undergoing FDA testing, although the makers feel confident that it will be fast-tracked given that pigs have been using something very similar to this as a breeding enhancer for years with no ill effects.

Love, MOM

Your cousin’s fiancee’s grandmother died Sunday. The wedding is still on, but they had to bury the woman immediately to accommodate the wedding couple, and the fiancee is said to be devastated. Real bummer.

I got Botoxed today; I get Titaned tomorrow. Plane tomorrow night.

Have a super rest of vacation.

I miss you!

Backstory: I haven’t lived at home in 10 years and haven’t worn short shorts in at least 15.

Labor Day weekend. Nothing to do. So, I closed the pool (very difficult), cleaned the house, did all the laundry, AND finally got all the way to the bottom of the ironing basket! I found two (2) pairs of J. Crew (very short) shorts: size 2 blue, size 4 tan. I presume they’re yours from middle school. While you will undoubtedly never wear them, they are in your drawer with all the other clothes you will never wear.

Don’t you DARE talk to me with that tone!
You came out of my vagina! I own EVERY PART OF YOU!

xoxo
Mommy

Backstory: I called my mom because I got an awful (though aren’t they all) yeast infection and wanted to know natural remedies besides just using monistat.

Did you get anything for your problem?  It was your sister who told me yesterday that she is taking antibiotics for sinus infection and we talked about yeast.  She really doesn’t get them.  if you get the cream you can swab it on and give you relief.

Where are my TWEEZAHS??  You would not believe my CHIN!  OMG.  I go to the salon Friday morning.  They will get my chin unless you get here with my TweezAh.  You bitch.  How could you do that to me?  Both tweezahs are gone?  Let me know if one of them is here somewhere.  I love you, even though you took the tweezah! Whore.
love, mah mah