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Backstory: My mom just called me with this opener. Since I have skinny legs, it was a pretty big downer. I told her I’d call her back.
Hi hon. I just read an article about how people with skinny thights die of heart disease a lot sooner than people with fat thighs, and it made me think of you.
Backstory: I was telling my mom about my lesbian issues but skirting around the more private details but, as usual, she saw right through my subterfuge.
Hon, I may be old and straight, but I’m not stupid.
I don’t know if you are aware of it, but when I drive to and from work every day, I’m pretty much a crazy person. The fact that anyone else is on the road totally annoys me. And, of course, NOBODY knows how to drive.
So you would never know by looking at me, and I would certainly never say anything directly to anyone, but in my own little driver space I am yelling and criticizing each and every person & vehicle
that is in my way (which is all of them). But the absolute worst torture is when a truck shows up - my very existence is ruined – I cannot believe they are legal in this country. I want to get out of my car and just lay in the road in front of the truck.
Backstory: Almost 40 years after getting her Bachelor’s degree, Mom has enrolled in a Master’s program. Watching her adjust to college in the modern era has been hilarious.
Aaack!
I just spent $126 on textbooks.
I know it probably doesn’t sound like much to you 2 experienced college students, but I didn’t have to buy any texts for my last class.
–MOM
Sorry to hear about Dave breaking up with you. But he was kind of a douche. Why don’t you go online and look at some pictures of penises? there are plenty of penises in the sea.
XO Mommie Dearest
Mom: Dad had his “new employee orientation” yesterday and came home with all sorts of goodies
Mom: like decent health insurance
Mom: and a picture frame
Backstory: My youngest brother started high school and is quite into “looking the part”. His hipster-ish look and nonchalant demeanor have already attracted lots of attention from the girls, so mom wanted to make sure he’s safe.
J looked so cute today when I dropped him off at his first day of H.S. He had his skinny jeans on with E’s old Mash t-shirt, and his flip flops. He looked really cute. I prayed with him this morning and asked protection for him from the savage beast girls that were going to be after him.
Backstory: I told my mom that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child.
OMG OMG OMG.
I can’t believe that sack of hers can hold any more babies!!!! Can you imagine how her uterus looks on the INSIDE????? Yuck.
Me: I’m looking up all the Kennedy grandsons to see if any are my age and cute. Do you think I could get one of them without the annoying accent?
Mom: your age? I’m sure there are one or two- after all that family seems to double at every funeral. just watch out for the teeth. that’s how you know he’s a true kennedy.
Me: oiy. Can you imagine those teeth and my old teeth. I think that would just be too cruel to do to a child. of course so would making a Kennedy live in Texas…
Mom: Hey, Texas is better than making a Texan live in Boston. They talk funny up there.
Mom: the problem with good wine is you don’t know you’ve had too much until later.
Me: what were you doing drinking good wine?
Backstory: I live in New York City and my mom finds that absolutely fascinating sometimes. Becky is her co-worker.
Do you ever watch “the Secret Lives of Women”? According to Becky there was a woman on last night who is a freegan. She gets everything she needs from trash containers in NY. Apparently there are trash tours. Becky and I would like to go on one with you. How about for your birthday. You never know what we might be able to find for you.
Meanwhile I chanted long and hard for you, that you’d get something long and hard soon. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! But seriously, I did give you a really super chanting.
XXOO
MA
Backstory: I discovered that my mother had been facebook-stalking some of my younger brother’s friends. These guys had been quoting items from the website www.textsfromlastnight.com.
Mom: I have a question
Me: ok
Mom: I have been reading these quotes on facebook that ur brother’s friends keep posting
Me: ok
Mom: they are so random
Mom: one of them says something about a queef. what is a queef?
Me: Mom, it’s kind of vulgar
Me: It’s the sound of air escaping from a woman’s vagina
Mom: Oh. Who writes that on facebook?
Im txting you from my new super cool purple phone same insane mother new cook phone xoxoxo
