Great Benefits
Backstory: My 52-year-old mom was just hired to work at a department store for the holidays. This is what she sent me from orientation.
Good news…I get maternity leave!
Hip-hop Sweater Vest
i just bought your brother that sweater vest. do not say a word. its very hip hop urban!
It was good to be involved with death?
Went with Pam to watch the Detroit Marathon. James did really well, just missed qualifing for New York by 19 seconds. Pam is so good to include me. 3 people died. It was good to be involved.
Love,
MOM
Who can ask for anything more?
Mom: In a month it will be Christmas Eve! Last night I came up with the idea of a Wii system for our gift to ourselves. Then we will be able to exercise and have fun and be in the air conditioning. Who can ask for anything more? Dad will be researching.
Me: Oooh, love that idea! Do you mean the Wii Fit, with the pad that you stand on, or just the regular things that you hold in your hands?
Mom: I have no idea. I thought I was being way cool just to come up with the general theme. Now you want specifics! Get out of here…
Mom’s a Wanker
Backstory: My parents are going to meet up with me in Miami, as I fly from NY to Argentina. Also, my mom just saw ‘Pirate Radio’ in her movie class and enjoyed the British slang.
We will meet you in miami you “posh tosser”.
like you weren’t looking
Me: my math prof was edward scissor hands for halloween
Me: in class
Mom: did it look good?
Me: it wasn’t bad but it was creepy
Me: because he was wearing tights
Mom: oh my
Me: and you could see EVERYTHING
Mom: oooh not good or was it?
Me: …
Me: mom
Mom: what?
Me: :(
Mom: oh please!
Mom: like you weren’t looking
WHAT MOM WANTS
I WANT AN ELECTRIC STARTER FOR MY CAR
SINCE I LIVE IN THIS ICE CUBE OF A STATE.
What Did I Do Wrong?
Your sister called tonight on her way to her boyfriend’s for dinner. I’m impressed. He’s 30 and his house is paid for. I’m 62 and mine is not. What did I do wrong?
Time for Change
brb im going to change from my tight cougar jeans into my reality tv pajama pants
The (Physical?) Possibilities Are Endless
Mom: How was dinner?
Me: Good I think. I just have a hard time reading him and whether he’s really interested in me or not.
Mom: Well is he physical?
Me: Like physically affectionate? Yes.
Mom: That’s a good sign.
Me: Yeah, but that could also mean he is just trying to get into my pants.
Mom: You know dear, sometimes it’s okay to have a relationship that is “mutually satisfying.”
Me: …
Me: Wait, are you talking about being f*** buddies?
Mom: Just think about it honey. Your mother loves you!
Slightly Overwhelmed at Thanksgiving
When are you coming home for Thanksgiving? Does G want to stay over? He can use H’s room. When is S coming home? When is anyone coming home? Who is going to come home? Where is everyone? Who is going to do all the cooking and cleaning? Who is going to paint the living room and kitchen before Thursday? I am canceling Thanksgiving.
Never Too Soon for the Holiday Spirit
Ding ding ding ding ding ding dingy dingy ding ding dingy ding am feeling xmasy already
A Fine Dating Prospect
Backstory: My mum is desperate to get me off the shelf and married with babies. This was her latest “offering”. (Gail = her best friend, Gary = friend of my cousin).
I told Gail about you being out there and being a bit lonely and she suggested you got in touch with Dave, who now lives in Rotterdam and is trying to get a job there, such a coincidence! Do you remember him, he used to be friends with Gary at school? I know he was a bit strange when he was younger, but the thing is darling he is now apparently a lovely boy and has got over his eye problem now and also has got through to the last round on several interviews so won’t be unemployed much longer
Can’t Start Her Too Young
Backstory: Hazel is my 19-month-old niece.
We’re giving Hazel a stove/sink kitchen set from Target and if you’re wondering what to get her for Xmas, think about some pots and pans and such. Can’t start her too young on the woman-as-slave notion.
OXOXOXO,
Mom
Christmas Shopping Fail
Me: i have picked things out of this coldwater creek catalogue that i know you want to buy me. ;)
Mom: buy em and send em to me…. i will wrap em
Me: …
Mom: lol
Mom: it is the only way i can ever buy you clothing
Mom: i am a failure
Christmas in DC or Bust!
Backstory: My mother sent this to my father, my brother and sister and me under the subject IMPORTANT: READ NOW. We never have christmas with her family because it’s too insane (hence the weirdness), and my grandmother has like 50 cats (hence the smells). But she’s decided that she will have christmas with them this year, with or without her children and husband.
Morning, everybody. This is the mother speaking. Do not delete.
This year, for the first time in 22 years, I would like Christmas to be in DC. You all know why: [your uncle] will have [your cousins] and of course he wants them to have a fun time with family. I know all of you would rather be here but that’s not the issue. I’m going to DC and I would love to have everybody there, but I don’t want anybody to go who’s going to be acting like a sullen asshole, or constantly complaining, etc. I’m going, please come, but if you come you must be there to participate and have a good time regardless of whatever weirdness or smells you might encounter.
Mom Discovers Spanx, and the Pee Hole
Backstory: it’s my mom’s 50 birthday this week and after listening to much complaining about what she thinks is her flabby tummy/thigh/booty region, i told her about Spanx and then got her a pair for her birthday. i guess she liked them.
me: have any jeans you’ve been wanting to wiggle into? i think they have a pee hole but i’m not entirely sure what the process is like for getting in and out of them, so i’d like a full report afterward
Mom: well you shall have one. i am reading the back and it does indeed have a peepee hole – this should be interesting! lol
Mom: oh my God! i took them out and they look like they could fit a DOLL
me: well, i hope they work. i heard a lady say that her coworkers asked her if she’d lost weight
Mom: hell, good enough for me
[one hour later]
Mom: SPANX SPANX SPANX!!!!!
Oh yeah baby. I even asked MYSELF if I had lost weight!
I Don’t Want to See Any of That
Me: you have a facebook?
Mom: Yes! I need one, but don’t worry. I don’t want to be friends with you or your brother. I don’t want to see any of that.
Why Punish the Rest of Us?
Backstory: My mom thinks I’m in AA because I once took her to a restaurant that did not have a liquor license. On her last visit, she was convinced I planned to take her to the same place (even though it was a completely different restaurant) and sent a series of crazy e-mails explaining why she refused to go.
I was very clear in our discussion that we are unwilling to go to a restaurant that does not serve wine. Why is that so hard to understand? If you and your husband have taken a vow to abstain from alcohol – then do so. Why punish the rest of us?
The last time we were at X restaurant it was practically empty. It was our group and, at the most, four other people.
So in summary, we thought the food was pedestrian and the room devoid of ambiance. I can make this judgment
because almost every dish served I have cooked with much better results. I am not a professional chef, but definitely know food and what level of cuisine is being served. I think at 71 years of age you all can accommodate my request.
Be thankful I did not inherit my mother’s taste buds and asked to go to the Olive Garden.
Waiting for That Relationship
Backstory: apparently my mom really does think I’m the only 27 currently not in a relationship.
Hey, did you by any chance write an inquirey about a 27 year old who has never had a serious relationship? I read it in the new ELLE and immediately thought of you. I’ll save it for you to read.
How are things going?
Love xoxoxoxoxox and God bless you, Mom
