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You know, I hooked your dad by being able to cook so well.
Yes, only a fool would think you are not capable of flapjacks….what will he do if you makes those lucious blackberry blondies…pee his pants? Become the Jizz-Master of all time? Maybe he needs Depends or something if you continue to cook for him. :)
Backstory: I had written a blog on my xanga about how I never had the “birds and the bees” discussion with my parents, which my mother read, and had this to say.
Hi,
I just read your latest Xanga, and I feel I must defend myself! We certainly never hid the subject–it just appeared that you were very aware of the way things were. I guess by not being very specific with you I was trying to save you from my own “sex talk” experience with my own mom: picture Grandma throwing a load of laundry into the washer and explaining how a penis gets hard when a man wants sex….eeeewww…..
Love you!
Mom
Backstory: My sister has consistent problems with her boss and tends to complain to the family about their trouble. Mom was concerned.
I said a rosary 4 her. She doesnt need 2 b put down by a jealous bitch anymore. No wonder she has stomach problems & anxiety.
Oooh! Guess what! Death Cab for Cutie is on the new Twilight soundtrack! Be still my bleeding neck!
Backstory: My mom is very enthusiastic about her life and works in movie quotes into all her conversations (in this case, Twister)
Well I cannot say I have had a boring life! Sunday afternoon, after church, we were going to take a walk- I have a bad cold from large children sneezing on my face! The sky looked dark so we decided to go to a farmers’ market south of us. I got into a long conversation with a chicken farmer- have you ever heard of Easter egg chixs? Their eggs are pinkish and purple!
Things started blowing around a bit. We all looked up in the sky, and then “Look, we have cows!”
Actually, the sky was very green and scary! Where I used to work at Home Depot a tornadoe touched down! It ripped through the whole mall, smashing windows and roofs, but no one got hurt. When we got home, we had golf balls of hail in our yard!
Sooo, unfortunately we have had 8 tornadoes within 50 miles in 3 days and sadness, the tstorms are coming east :(.
Backstory: I’m going to Florida with my mom and her best friend for few days.
Oh boy, the Goodland Mullet Festival is January 29-31, 2010. You’re in for a treat. Bring something kind of slutty to wear!!!
Love you,
Mom
XOXOXOX
Calling the doctor has always been a pain. Then when you finally get through she is scheduling appts for at least 4-6 weeks in advance. I just scheduled my first mammo, I do not look forward to that event. I have heard it is painful. The smaller the breast, the more painful as they try to squeeze it between two metal plates. A test designed by men i am sure. Funny how the test for prostrate cancer does not involve squeezing the testicles between two metal plates.
Backstory: My husband and I both have children from previous marriages, so it’s kind of hard for my mom to keep up with what holidays we will have them.
It is the time of year when those with children need to start trying to figure out who is going to be where when for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Christmas Eve. Those of us who throw the bash need to know how many to plan for so that we can beging buying the necessary ingredients.
(How was that? Did it sound sort of professional?) :)
Backstory: My friend Bill wrote & performed a comedy sketch in which he cruelly berates a dog about his incessant barking. All the while, the dog continues to gaze at Bill lovingly. By the end of the sketch, Bill realizes that a dog’s neverending loyalty and love is really what it’s all about. This is Mom’s response after having watched said sketch.
The more I think about the whole idea of that skit, the more I aspire to being very dog-like in temperment. Maybe it’ll be my New Year’s resolution even though I don’t believe in making them. Or maybe I’ll just start today. Maybe if Aunt J tells me AGAIN about the on-going crisis in her life (loose tile in her condo), I, too, will be able to just listen and smile contentedly. Or maybe when the business phone rings and I know I shouldn’t answer it but I do and it’s the Police Benevolent Society asking for a donation, I’ll be able to a)listen to the whole spiel without crumpling into a pile of self-hatred at having answered the phone in the first place and b) give generously, without dramatically sighing and sputtering with irritation. Maybe if I ever win the Nobel Peace Prize, I’ll be able to say, and I quote, as will so many others, “It all started with Bill and a dog.” Can you feel the Zen?
Backstory: My mother is completely obsessed with Facebook, and will spend hours every evening on the computer. This was the night before her birthday.
Mom: I’m waiting for my cupcakes to be done so I can go to bed.
Me: You made cupcakes?
Mom: Yeah, and after all the money I paid for them I don’t want them to burn.
Me: Wait, you made your own birthday cupcakes? You baked?
Mom: No, on Yoville. I’m sitting at the computer waiting for them to finish – oh there, they’re done. NIGHT!
Backstory: I posted a video of my mom trying (unsuccessfully) to do an underwater flip. She didn’t know about it for the longest time and then…
Mom: Why in God’s name did you put me on youtube? I’m so embarrassed!
Me: No one will know who you are…. Unless they know your butt reaaallllyyy well….
Mom: Well all the men who ogle my booty while I’m grocery shopping are going to recognize me right away. I’ll own it.
Backstory: The Google logo featured Cookie Monster’s eyes as the o’s in celebration of Sesame Street’s 40th birthday.
Hi honey,
Google made me smile this morning. Sesame Street is 40 years old!!
I thought they started it just for you!!
Do you remember anything you learned from that show?
Love,
Mom
Backstory: I just started my PhD emailed my Mom an article that rendered my university a top 10 research university in the country.
Hi Honey,
awesome article!! Are you a research person?
ps please dont marry the contact person for the article. Im just not crazy about his name.
My potassium is low and the doctor is recommending that I simply eat potassium-enriched foods….on the list is chewing tobacco!
I think I’ll start to chew!
love, mom
Just concerned, that’s all. Make sure you wash your hands often to keep the flu away. The hand sanitizers arent as affective as people think. Soap and water still best.
Also, never use any outdated Bisquick mixes or cake mixes or anything like that. The yeast in them goes bad and creates a deadly bacteria.
OK I’m done.
Love you
Hey. Girls
Please be careful you both go to schools near. Ghettos. I know you think you are safe and invinsible but please be aware & please be careful
I love you
Xoxo
Backstory: I recently moved to Russia. As you may expect, it is colder here than at home. I was telling my mother about the weather and comparing it to President Obama’s inauguration in January, where I couldn’t feel my anything below my knees after several hours on the street.
Barack Obama is your new thermometer?
I’ll send you very warm (lined with thinsulate) gloves, hats, scarves, and BTW, you NEED a long down coat, dude!
xox
Good morning girls!
Dad has given me 2 things for his Christmas list.
1. Cordless Drill Driver
2. 12 gauge pump Shotgun – nothing fancy – all purpose for hunting – he’s thinking that when he retires he might go hunting with his son-in-laws. He also wants to get one before they are outlawed. He thinks that is coming sometime.
So, there you have it so far.
Backstory: I had emailed my mom about having a “senior citizens” dinner with a close friend on a saturday night and said I should start buying cats….I turned 30 a month ago.
you are too young to get cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Backstory: My mom is a 55 year-old Indian lady. She recently started watching football.
Even I was livid watching the bozo and I couldnt care less about football. They had project bye bye FAvre and burned his jerseys then they stopped . But they had groups standing outside and chanting things about Favre. People in MIlwaukee are thoroughly disgusted and depressed about this blatant traitor -idiott.
I hope he breaks his arm
Love,
Amma
