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Your idiot brother bought a tortoise. I am so angry. He knows in a very clear way that I don’t want pets in my house. Plus it needs a light on all the time and so is living in Dave’s room where I sleep a few nights a week, that will have to change. Would like him to return it.
Me: hi mom
Me: guess what
Mom: what?
Me: i can go from new york to warsaw for $621
Mom: oh boy
Me: i know
Me: in january
Mom: you have a dentist appt in january
Me: Can I go to grad school in Naples next year and live at your condo? Pay rent of course.
Mom: hahahaha you must be kidding….. no effing way.
We had President Obama ring the doorbell! Also, someone who turned out to be a “meatball” but I thought he was poop. Then we had “bacon” but I didn’t know what it was until “eggs” showed up a few seconds later.
Backstory: Bringing a new guy home for the weekend. Mom is unsure, considering my long history of questionable companions.
Maybe you should see someone to find out why you think you need to be with loosers. Does it stem from something from your childhood? We loved you so much and tried to protect you by not letting you do much, I hope it’s not from that
Background: Sent my mom a scan of my first sonogram pictures (only 10 weeks along). The best part of this is she was an OB/Gyn nurse for twenty years.
Mom: I think you can see RIBS in that sonogram!!
Me: really?
Mom: I keep looking at the diagonal dark and light stripes across the chest
Me: huh. I guess so…
30 minutes later…
Mom: Oops. The “ribs” were lines on my computer screen.
Me: That’s hysterical.
Backstory: My Mom is both completely computer illiterate and always trying to get me to like Dr. Laura. I love her regardless.
hi
could you take a peek at the dr laura website and tell me if you have to pay for her podcasts
the way i look at it, it seems that is the only way they just took her off the air on our local radio station
drats! (although , you probably are happy to hear that!)
me
Mom: Hey not to sound creepy but I googled your sister
Me: Ummmm…okay
Mom: Have you seen her latest facebook picture?
Me: yeah
Mom: What exactly is she doing?
Me: It’s called a beer bong
Mom: Oh THANK GOD! I was worried that she might be doing drugs
Me: christ
Backstory: My mom has recently discovered how to shop online.
It is a great time to be an old shopaholic with a lap top and a credit card.
OK, I also ordered a feather mattress topper.
OHMIGOODNESS!!! THIS IS SCAREY.
I now shop for my bed instead of that magical pair of pants that does not make my ass look big.
Backstory: I occasionally flush my tampons down the toilet, and my mom was cleaning the bathroom.
My precious petunia pl dont put your Ts down the loo had to pluck it out with my fingers tx luv mom
We are still in the cities. I am going to the history center and an antique store today. I got my nipples pierced at St Sabrinas – I don’t know why. Ha ha. I wasn’t even intoxicated. then I bought an Eddie Bauer grey turtleneck on sale. Now I need to save up for a breast lift. Remind me to give you that money for your credit card dentist bill. Hope you are over the flu. Love you – mom
Backstory: My cousin is moving in with a trucker she just met.
let’s just HOPE he is divorced and not just SAYING he is divorced. truckers are like sailors one in every port.
Backstory: Oreo is the 17-year-old cat that owns my parents. And she did indeed send a picture, and it’s Oreo sitting on their bed, wearing her latest big blue post-surgery collar.
Mom: you should hear the discussion dad and oreo are having right now.
we’re in bed and she just came in, went straight to dad’s side of the bed and started talking to him
Me: awwwww
Mom: he replied,’i;m not feeding you anymore tonight.’ and she answered and now they’re going back and forth
Me: how long can they keep this up?
Mom: longer than you’d think! just sent you a pix
