Backstory: My mom suggested I get my dad a beer making kit for Christmas

Me: I got the kit, it’s pretty easy. Comes with different beer mixes and the equipment. You mix it up, put it in the plastic keg for a week, then pour it into these big plastic bottles they give you and let it sit another week. Done.
Mom: So in 2 weeks, we’ll have crap beer. Great. You know he’s going to make me drink it and I’ll have to pretend I like it.
Me: No you don’t. Don’t drink it if you don’t like it. But there’s a Pale Ale mix and I know you like that.
Mom: I’m not going to let him drink it all himself! As it is, he barely leaves his chair. If he’s all boozed up, he’ll just meld with it and I’ll be stuck trying to peel him off the leather. I’m 65, I’m too old for that crap.
Mom: Maybe you shouldn’t get him the kit after all.
Me: Too late, Amazon’s already shipped it.
Mom: Well, then you’re responsible for what might happen. There’s no telling.
Me: You’re the one who told me to get it for him!
Mom: Well, damn.

Mom: how much snow in chicago?
Me: none really, it’s just wet outside
Mom: here its colder than a witches tit and blowing 50 mph
Me: oh my. so at what temp is it as cold as a witches tit?
Mom: 23 w/50mph wchill12

Mom: Hey, can you call me on my cell phone? I set the ringer to vibrate and I need to make sure I did it right. I’m getting ready to go in somewhere and I don’t want it to ring if someone calls me.
Me: (snicker) OK.
[Called Mom’s phone]
Me: Did it ring or vibrate?
Mom: It rang AND vibrated.
Me: It did? What are you going to do??
Mom: I don’t know. I don’t want anyone to hear it.
Me: Use the volume buttons on the side of the phone. There should be a button with up & down arrows on the side. Use that to set the ringer. Look at the display and set it to “Vibrate Only.”
Mom: Oh, I thought I had to go into Tools.
Me: No.
Mom: Okay.
Me: Did you set it to vibrate?
Mom: Yeah but I can’t hear it very well.
Me: Sigh.

Backstory: C is my notoriously bad-dressing roommate of the past 4 years in NYC. I always tell my mom the horrible outfits she wears and wonder why. K is my sister, another notoriously bad dresser that we have been trying to get on the TLC show, “What Not to Wear”.

Me: C just went outside in a pink and orange tie dyed sweatshirt, a red and white plaid Burberry scarf, and lime green gloves. What goes on in her head??
Mom: I’m thinking she thinks she looks young and hip!
Me: She needs to adjust her thinking then!
Mom: She sure does: Glad you have good taste!
Me: Compared to her, everyone does…even K
Mom: ESPECIALLY K. Lets get them on a joint episode of What Not to Wear.. no wait take her clothes and give them to me then I can go on the show and get free stuff!

Me: You should see my double wide trailer gingerbread house with the broken down Ford in the front yard.
Mom: Dream big, girlie.

Backstory: My 15 yr old niece is “in love” for the first time.  She lives with my Mom so she’s been keeping me updated.

Me: So what’s it like to observe unjaded, unscarred young love blossom?
Mom: Mostly, I just feel sorry for them.

Me: Mom, I remember you taking pictures from graduation of me and L and i would really like them for the scrapbook I am making him for Christmas, can you email them to me?
Mom: Will have to down load and up load, should be able to send tomorrow.
Me: Where do you save your pictures then?
Mom: I buy new memory cards.

Backstory: This was in response to an e-mail I sent her that had funny clippings from newspapers. The one we’re referring to said, “Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.”

Me: My favorite is the one about the baby found in the trash can that turned out to be a burrito.
Mom: You looked a lot like a burrito when you were a baby. A really cute burrito, though.
Me: what kind of burrito? Was I like a comforting bean and cheese burrito, a salty fried carne asada burrito, or a disappointing machaca burrito?
Mom: Oh, I’m sorry. I mis-spoke. Or mis-typed.
It was your DIAPER that looked like a cute burrito. YOU looked like an adorable monkey.
Don’t ask me what type of monkey besides being a lovable monkey. xoxo

Backstory: This is my mom’s response to comments on the email from her I’d sent in that was posted on here.

mom: Hello!  Back in the late ’60′s and ’70′s when I was dating, “the pill” was the best form of birth control.  And we didn’t know about AIDS yet, so condoms weren’t so widely promoted for “safe sex.”
mom: Besides — how many of THEM have read “The Joy of Sex.”  PLUS the sequel, “More Joy of Sex.’
mom: YoMomma has.  :-)
me: so what’s the joy of sex then?  I’m assuming condoms aren’t part of that?
mom: Let’s just say that after reading the first book, you’d never be able to look at goldfish (the fish, not the cracker) or green grapes the same way