Accident, Mugging, Gender Transfer…

I just figured that I should make sure you are okay since we got cut off from you yesterday.  Hopefully there was not a train accident, mugging, bolt of lightning, spiritual enlightenment, deep hatred for your parents, gender transfer, fall into a manhole, hit your head and have amnesia, or any other general malaise.  Again, i tend to go with the “no news is good news” theory but this is the third or so time your father has mentioned it.  If you are not dead or buried, I hope things are going well for you.  Will talk to you soon.

Love you lots and lots

mom

Posted on 02.05.2010 at 1:30 pm// Tagged:

He Was Being So Damned Chipper

Backstory: My mom and I are on a family plan, and are shuffling around the accounts a bit for boring reasons. My grandmother is not dead.

Mom: I just cancelled the -1043 phone, and the guy asked me in such a chipper voice why I was doing that (“what’s going on?”) that I told him it was because my mother died.
Do you think God will strike her dead? or strike me dead?
Me: whoa
Me: why’d you say that??
Mom: I don’t know.  He was being so damned chipper
Me: wow
Me: weird, mom
Mom: yeah, maybe

Posted on 02.05.2010 at 11:30 am// Tagged: ,

Floral Distraction

Just got the most gorgeous flowers. All kinds including stargazer lilies–my favorite! My office smells wonderful. These flowers take my mind off of my back fat. :)

Posted on 02.05.2010 at 9:30 am// Tagged: ,

Some IUD Confusion

Backstory: I recently started a job as a nurse practitioner at a women’s health clinic.

me: I inserted an IUD today!
mom: what’s that?
me: its like the copper one you had after you had [my sister]
mom: oh! you found someone to have sex with?
me: no mom. I put one into someone else at work. crazy..
mom: Ahh.. I thought you got it and I was happy for you.

Posted on 02.04.2010 at 3:05 pm// Tagged: , ,

Prevaricator, Prevaricator, Pants on Fire

Backstory: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months and I haven’t brought him to meet my grandparents yet. My grandmother, who likes to use big words that I have to look up, is starting to get pretty peeved with me about this.

You can tell the boy the truth….we’d like to meet him!  Or you can prevaricate and tell him I can’t seem to get my email address book to work properly, which isn’t really a prevarication, prevaricator.

Posted on 02.04.2010 at 12:05 pm// Tagged: , ,

Wanted: Garden Variety Porn

Mom: I’m shocked at all the different kinds of pornography they have on the computer now!

Me: …oh good, you’re still doing that.

Mom: But I don’t like it very much. Isn’t there a way I can search for romantic, heterosexual porn?

Posted on 02.04.2010 at 9:30 am// Tagged:

Home Maintenance

Backstory: My mother had been bugging me to go see the “lady doctor”. I texted her to say that I made that appointment as well as an appointment to get my hair cut.

Oh, so now you are taking care of the upstairs as well as the downstairs?

Posted on 02.03.2010 at 4:00 pm// Tagged: , ,

IDK Who’s On First!

Backstory: Mom was really proud to tell us about this exchange with a client, as she felt equally proficient at text language.

Mom: what time should I pick you up?
Client: IDK
Mom: I don’t know what IDK means
Client: I don’t know
Mom: You don’t know what it means either!

Posted on 02.03.2010 at 12:30 pm// Tagged: , ,

The Non-Dating Life

Backstory: My father died 12 years ago and my mom never dated after his death.

Thought you would get a kick out of this – I sold a house last October to a young girl – her father talked to me a year or so ago and thought I was a good agent – so they came to me and I helped them – make a long story short – I thought he liked me and he took me out to dinner and lunch a couple times – just very friendly – I like him as a friend – I talked to his daughter tonight who asked me if I had good gaydar – daddy’s gay – I kind of thought he was sort of effenimate – a visiting nurse – but again, to make a long story short – THE ONLY MAN WHO HAS EVER ASKED ME OUT TO LUNCH OR DINNER IS GAY!!!

Posted on 02.02.2010 at 3:02 pm// Tagged: , ,

Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Momkini

Me: Woah, Mom, you’re not hiding anything in this bikini pic we just found!
Mom: Girls… your mom was HOT.  Men wanted her and women feared her.

Posted on 02.02.2010 at 12:00 pm// Tagged: , ,

There’s No Such Thing As Just Enjoying Pizza

mom: What are you doing today/tonight?
me: I am going to emily’s for domino’s night
mom: Are you playing regular old dominoes?
me: no, we’re ordering regular old domino’s PIZZA
mom: oh….that company who hates anyone but catholic conservatives etc.
me: oh geez
let me have my pizza!
mom: I hate dominos and I would never eat it. I mean he is anti everything liberal..Catholic radio station, that king of kings church on his property, the convent! The strict catholic school. He even has his own village in Florida. I would GAG on that pizza…positively gag? Have you ever heard of Gino’s?
me: yes, but domino’s is cheap
mom: Thin crust?
me: I just want to eat my friday night pizza!!
mom: Here I thought you were playing dominoes. Which also would have been weird
me: I didn’t realize I was such a pizza disappointment. I’ll hate myself a little more with every bite
mom: oh good. I did my job

Posted on 02.02.2010 at 9:30 am// Tagged: ,

Your Dad Is Gross

Your dad is gross: like this is new news to us. He just got back from a long run and was in the laundry room. He bent over to pick something up sweat came out of his sleeve. Did it drip out? Of course not, it squirted out like a grapefruit!! The things you miss while you are away :)

Momsy

Posted on 02.01.2010 at 1:30 pm// Tagged: , ,

Mom Logic

Me: do you think i’m too old for forever 21?
Me: never mind…i’ll just give in and start shopping at banana republic or something
Mom: They say 35 is the new 25.
Mom: By that logic you are 14
Mom: 14 isn’t too old for Forever 21

Posted on 02.01.2010 at 11:30 am// Tagged: , ,

You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby

Backstory: I had just received a grant from my graduate school.

Congratulations sweetie, we are so proud of you!!!!  Especially since we thought you were retarded for the first few months after you were born.

Love,
Mama

Posted on 02.01.2010 at 9:30 am// Tagged: ,


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Love, Mom