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Hi honey!
Thought you might like to see this pix. The person who took it had to have her head examined. Wow it’s incredible! I thought it might give you thoughts of home. When I lived in western Kansas, we always jumped in our cars and pickups and chased tornadoes.
We were definitely stupid.
Love you lots, Mom
Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.
Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form. It looks like scabs all over the top of my head! I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on…. happy I packed it my sat-chill. I had no idea it was so noticeable. Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree. I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair. It looks permanent!
I’m going to pick up a clay cooker from a guy on Craig’s list. Dad was going to come with me; however, he isn’t feeling well so I’ll probably go alone. I’ve done it before but in case the guy, Russ, (details left on desk by the kitchen phone) hacks up my body and feeds me to the ducks, I want you to know that I love you very much. And if it comes to trial, I think Dad should get the $15 back that I’m paying for the clay pot.
One of my favorite guilty pleasures on TLC is I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. For those of you not familiar with the show, it’s pretty self-explanatory–it’s a reality show about ladies who did not realize they were preggo until they’re giving birth in the toilet at work or whatever. The New York Times’ Lisa Belkin points us to the latest “surprised mom,” Kentucky native Kelly Bottom. We want to hear your own urban legends: Do you know any “surprised moms” personally or were you one yourself? Are you also a fan of crazybananas reality shows? We want to hear from you in the comments!
Mom: I think the guy at starbucks likes you.
Me: Ew. We call him Jethro – cause he’s dumb.
Mom: I can’t listen to you say mean things. Don’t call him Jethro – he’s cute.
Me: He’s on drugs.
Mom: Well, I don’t want you mixed up with someone on drugs.
Me: But you want me mixed up with a barista!? Do you want me to have to bring your grandchildren to live with you after my barista/drug dealer husband leaves us????
Hope you are having a great day. I don’t remember having such a great day about this time 27 years ago! (My exact quote: “Give me drugs, I don’t care if she is brain damaged for life.”) But I love you anyway. I’ll call this evening. Love, Mom
Opened your list as a word doc. It say to press control+click … where the heck is click? I have been racking my brains trying to figure out how to view a couple items. I tried control+every key and nothing. HELP!!!!!!!!!
Did I mention I need… HELP!!!!!!!!!!
Love you
Backstory: The thing is, I really did steal my mom’s deodorant.
Did you steal my deodorant????????? If so where is it??????GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR! MOM
Ok, no one will be in trouble, I will not be angry at all if you just tell me where it is.
i LOVE this!!!! steam with hot water tonight when you get home, over a pot with a towel on your head. try not to eat ANY sugar this week. it is the absolute worst for your skin, and cool the caffeine and NO chocolate. call allie and find out what that stuff is she has and worse comes to worse buy the over the counter persigel. you will be fine. play up your eyes and juicy lips. yayyyyyyy. fuck billy, i mean it. do NOT speak to him ANY MORE. he will RUIN this. xo mommy
Mom: So what do you make of clooneys date?
Me: I haven’t looked yet…
Mom: In an interview he said she didn’t speak english.
Me: What?! That’s weird!
Mom: No honey………… that’s beard! Lol… snort!
Backstory: There was recently a protest at my school were 16 kids got arrested for throwing snowballs at cops, so I told my mom about how exciting it was to have riots and such on campus.
Your aunt Linda participated in a lot of riots in the ’60′s. UWM sounds like maybe they’re over-reacting but I wasn’t there. I think they should call the wambulance. That Chancellor makes a ton of $$$$$$$. Just like all teachers he’s whinning about having his salary reduced when he’s making way too much anyway. I need to come down and riot with them.
Love and kisses, radical MOM
Last week, we had a mom who was down with all the slang the kids are using these days, one who was encouraging her daughter to take up the oldest profession, and another who thought that condoms might be good for her son’s care package.
1. Thought You’d Appreciate My Coolness
2. Hockey Problems
3. Show and…Vibe?
4. The Happy Hooker?
5. Snuggle Time Coming Right Up
6. Agree To Disagree
7. What Goes Into a College Guy’s Care Package
8. Maybe I Can Get Dreads
9. Think About It
10. Mass Intensity
Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Me: bfb?
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!
Backstory: Talking to my mother about my best friend still be a virgin at 24.
We should make her into a superhero…The Untouchable Heather and her Happy Hymen ..i think there is a huge market out there for virginal superheros.
Kiss,
Your creative mother.
Oh, what a Mensch ….. Honey, you’ve been seeing that bum long enough. He promises you the world but never delivers.
My girlfriend is on Jdate and thinks this guy, “Jedigolf” would be great for you.
PLEASE, make Mom happy, at least look at him.
hey i was thinking of sending your brother a care package. Do you think he would like girl scout cookies, teeth whitening trays and condoms or is that too weird?
Backstory: I’m working on a Ph.D. in Medieval History. My mother despairs of me meeting “nice boys”. When I met a promising chap at a Chaucer lecture, she wanted all the details.
Mom: By the way what is [he] studying ….is he also history?
me: no, philosophy
influence of medieval ideas on twentieth-century thought
Mom: Ah…..and yet can discuss Jane Austen too! A little scary, no?
me: only in a good way
and it’s kind of mutual
Mom: oh goody…
me: so the Nerd Scores are even ;)
Mom: Ha! I forgot that part of the “list”…
“Matching Nerd Score!”
me: yes, it’s very important
big storm here. ashley thinks that these roaring clouds are bringing jesus. i think it’s gonna be a giant rabbit. we have agreed to disagree :)
xxoo
The excellent website Babble is fielding the following question from a stumped Momma-to-be: How do you pick a baby name? Jessica’s mom was inspired by the Merchant of Venice when she named her daughter. She thought she was being original. Little did she know that Jessica was the most popular name for girls in 1982. D’oh! We want to hear about how you chose your child’s name or how your mother chose your name. Post your stories in the comments below.
I know I have reminded you to call Grandpa, Fran and Margaret. I know you’ve got a lot going on, but no one is that busy!
Ever heard the old saying, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.
Please think about it.
Love, mom
