Feel… Better?
Awe don’t be sad. God didn’t give you a pretty face but he gave you big boobs and a sense of humour! Love the Mom
Your Brother’s Taste in Women
Backstory: My mom and I are conspiring to get my brother to apply for a perfect-for-him internship at an organic nursery.
By the way if you tell Matt there will be hippy chicks working at this nursery he might be interested! For some reason he likes women with hairy arm pits…go figure!
How to Choose a Gyno
Mom: You need to schedule a gynecology checkup. I’m sure you can find a woman gynecologist where you live if you’d prefer one.
Me: Well, the way I see it, it’s like that joke; would you go to a mechanic who had never owned a car?
Mom: Yeah, but he’s ridden in one.
True Online Scrabble Confessions
Backstory: Me and my mom play scrabble on Facebook and she’s borderline obsessed with it. I went to her house one day to find a dictionary RIGHT BESIDE her laptop. She tried to say she wasn’t cheating by looking up words, but I guess she couldn’t take the guilt anymore.
I am sorry I used the dictionary. I won’t any more. I will probably never win again but I will play fair. Sorry. Bad example from your mother.
Useful For “Brawn,” Not “Brains”
Backstory: My boyfriend and I were having trouble assembling a piece of furniture.
Mom: did Bob try and help you?
Mom: I’m not saying a man would do a better job, but I know Daddy has more hand strength than I do when it
comes to turning screws, etc
Mom: in other words, men can be useful for “brawn” as opposed to “brains”
Here, Bob, tighten this screw…
Don’t ask any questions, just turn
Mom’s Secret Criminal Past
Mom: Ugh I hate this song and its like the 5th time I’ve heard it this week! I wish we had better reception at work.
Me: What song?
Mom: It’s old, you wouldn’t know it. It’s called Downtown, they used to play it constantly when I was in Juvi.
Me: Excuse me? Juvi? As in Juvi Hall for bad kids??
Mom: I told you about that didn’t I? How a few friends and me stole a car when we were 16 and drove to California and got arrested. Grandma made me stay for 2 weeks to teach me a lesson.
Me: Definitley not, I feel like I would have used that for reasoning to do alot worse things as a teenager.
Shouty Crackers
Backstory: These messages happened about 30 seconds apart, my mom had just got a new phone and couldn’t work it!
Mom: ARE YOU COMING FOR DINNER ON SUNDAY?
Mom: DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?
Mom: HELLO?
Me: Blimey mother, what’s with all the shouting?
Mom: WHAT SHOUTING?
Me: When you text all in caps it’s generally considered to be indicative of shouting!!
Mom: OH SORRY
Mom: NEW PHONE. CANT WORK IT!
Mom: I REALLY AM SORRY. NOT SHOUTING. PROMISE.
Mom: I ASKED YOUR FATHER FOR HELP. WE GOT THE SAME PHONE. HE CANT STOP SHOUTING EITHER!
Winged Migration
Mom: I thought my new finch feeder was broken because I didn’t have any birds, but two of them showed up last week…
Mom: They spent all week hoarding the food, but then I think one of them must have blabbed, because now there are 50 or so out there.
Mom: And I know the one who didn’t blab is saying, “Dammit, there goes all my fucking food.”
Me: Ha!
Mom: But I’m glad I didn’t return it to the store. I thought it was broken because I had no birds!
Me: Well, it might just be that they hadn’t migrated up there yet.
Mom: Oh.
Mom: I hadn’t thought about that.
Investment Advice
If you see an extra $1000 in your checking act. don’t spend it. it’s for your Retirement act. or don’t spend it on trash and not tell me.
How to Get Revenge on Facebook
Mom: I don’t like the new layout, can I change it?
Me: No, that’s part of why people like Facebook, you can’t change your page layout.
Mom: But I don’t want other people to be able to edit my profile
Me: What? They can’t.
Mom: Under my picture it says ‘Edit Profile’…it never said that before.
Me: Mom that is because YOU are looking at your profile…go look at mine it won’t say that.
Mom: Whatever, I don’t like it. I want to change it.
Me: Well you can’t.
Mom: Yes I can…I can delete my page.
Me: You’re really stickin’ it to Facebook huh?
MOO-nopoly on lameness
Backstory: Today, one of my piano students told me that the state drink of Maryland is milk, to which her father responded, “What a lame state!”
Couldn’t resist looking it up.
20+ states list “milk” as their official beverage, so MD doesn’t have the MOO-nopoly on lameness. Unfortunately, NJ doesn’t even HAVE a state drink! Maybe I should start a campaign to name one. How about Danny de Vito’s Limoncello? He’s a local guy. My favorite one listed is Nebraska– Kool-Aid!
Great Hair Day on the Crazy Train
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful. BTW another person told me my hair looks great. Her name is diane but we call her Ozzie b.cause she is riding the crazy train.
Your Roommate’s Deep Level of Depravity
Backstory: My crazy roommate made me cry at work, my mom wrote me this to make me feel better.
You know what? I do think she is nuts, but, think about it. God somehow can sift through all of her “stuff” and see the good. I know that I have never met her, her Facebook Profile is base and full of self absorption, she would make a horrible spouse, she is not a very happy person deep down. She wants to bring everyone in her circle of influence down to her level of depravity. If someone joins her in her misery, it somehow absolves her from dealing with her wrong living.
Are you still watching Glee???
HAHA,
Love you,
MOM
International Travels
Backstory: This is what my mom e-mailed me from London.
I always look at the Burger King and think of you!
Having Technical Difficulties
Mom: Do you know if this blackberry phone you were using has a setting where it will keep beeping if you missed a call or message? Also what exactly does sms and mms stand for??? I think I have it just about all figured out except for that!
Me: SMS – Short Message (texts) / MMS – Multimedia Messages (pics and videos)
Mom: Ohhhh…what about my first question – can I set it up to alert me that I missed a call?
Me: I don’t think so. The little light will blink red when you miss a call, text or email. You’ll have to check the screen. Your Motorola Razor is the only phone that did that…people hated it, so most of the other companies got rid of that feature.
Mom: Okay, you young guns know it all in the techno world. You are soooo funny and predictable – I just got done asking the other 26 year old that works here the same question and she gave me the SAME answer!!!
Me: “young guns” “techno world” Mom, really? You’re a computer teacher.
Special Delivery
Backstory: I didn’t get the job I wanted.
Deposited beer money in your checking acct. Love, mom
Shuffle off to Buffalo
I hope that you were not in Times Square on Sat. night. It must have been frightening to see so many people evacuated from places and with a slew of policemen in abundance.
Buffalo is a wonderful, economical place to live. And there is so much green space!
Love,
Mom
P.S. I am planting my flowers today and tomorrow.
Safe Sex in Texas
Backstory: I am recently divorced and mom and I have talked a lot lately about me moving to another city. We talked last week about the possibility of Austin.
Heard on the news today Austin, Tx has the highest condom purchases in the country? Must be a sign. Mommy Dearest.
Mother’s Day Instructions
Since you guys will be spending Mother’s together I want you to be sure to follow my instructions to THE LETTER!!! Gammy and I both, DO NOT WANT A GIFT FOR MOTHER’sDAY!!!!! We want you to spend your money on a nice card for us (or feel free to make one) AND THAT IS IT!!!!!
WE ARE GOING TO GO OUT FOR DINDIN, AND VIC AND I ARE GETTING GAMMY AN AZALEA BUSH OF HER CHOOSING AFTER GAMMY,VIC, PEACHES AND I TAKE A LEISURELY DRIVE OUT TO POSSUM RUN GREENHOUSE.
I FORGOT ABOUT THE CAPS SO JUST PRETEND I AM SHOUTING THIS!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!1XOXOXOXO MOM(MY)
Happy Mother’s Day!
Happy Mother’s Day to all! Thanks for reading these past 2+ years.
Love,
Postcards From Yo Momma
