I Ate It All
Backstory: I’ve been sick for the past few days and live 1200 miles away from my mother.
Me: I miss you.
Mom: you just want me with you when you’re a sicky
Mom: i made popcorn for you saturday night. you didn’t show up so i ate it all
Travel Worries: Random Drugs
Backstory: Mum checking up on me on a 4 1/2 hr drive home.
Mum: Are you home yet?
Me: No, stopped in Bathurst by the police
Mum: What for?
Me: Random drugs test
Mum: I told you not to take random drugs!
NURSES GONE WILD!
I was really sorry I missed your call for my birthday. Thanks for the picture disk; sorry I haven’t gotten one off to you. I can’t believe with Linda here I completely spaced on picking your things up at the armory. I’m going to try to make it there tomorrow. I am having a party here tomorrow and it should be a lot of fun. All girl-sleep-over optional. I don’t want any drunk drivers. We’re playing WII, Karoke, cards, ping-pong and just being nurses gone wild…wish you were here to celebrate. Can’t believe I’m 50 hoping for a better decade than the last one. I’m glad things worked out for your leave. Is this a short one? Are you going somewhere? Well I’m off for now. Love, MOM
Made in the USA
Backstory: I bought a car power adapter on sale but the original price tag was still on it and she saw it.
Mom: $60?!?! Eh, what do you expect? It was made in the United States.
Me: Really? It was made here?
Mom: Yeah, it says right here “made in USB port.” Is that on the west coast or something?
Love Story
Hey Jelly!
Tomorrow I have to get up at 5 because one of my Java Java coffee buddies recently became a widower. He is about 80. He contacted an old fraternity buddy of his and found out that the woman he was engaged to before he broke it off to go fight in WWII is a widow!!! He gave her a call and he is catching a 7:30 flight tomorrow morning to go see her! I really have to laugh. His wife has only been dead less than a month and he is out in the field!!!!! He says what he is truly looking for is a 28 year old nymphomaniac!!!!
Love,
Mom
What Did I Do To Deserve This?
Your brother may be suspended from school. Somebody in Mr Harrison’s class, during Paul’s period drew a penis and wrote in all caps, “Mr Harrison is a penis head” on an empty desk. Mr Harrison later saw Paul carrying a black marker and assumed that it was Paul. Paul of course swears it was not him, but that he does not want to rat on the person who did it. Good Lord. What did I do to desrve this kind of crap?
Mom
Looking for a Happy Father’s Day
Mom: So, did I tell you that your dad asked if I would sleep him again now that the divorce is final?
Me: Ummm. Did you tell him that ship has sailed?
Mom: Oh, honey, that ship SANK.
Engagement Shoes
Backstory: This is the first email I received from my parents after I told them I was engaged. My mom does not use the computer so my dad sends the emails on her behalf…
Mom wants to know what your shoe size is. She wants to get you a special pair of shoes that help you to lose wt.
Love, Dad
The Cure for Allergies
My allergies cause me to get fluid in my ears sometimes. It is very irritating. My doctor suggested using a little spray of nose spray every night to dry it up and it has helped. Last night, I opened a new bottle. Went to take a little squirt—1/2 the bottle went up my left nostril. OMG, throat was on fire, tears were pouring out of my eyes, my ear canals were burning, the left side of my mouth went numb. (still a little numb this am) so, how do you get that out of your system. drinking water—no, cough drop—-no, piece of cheese–no. but, grab the bottle of kahlua in your pantry and take a big gulp.
So, if you can;t laugh at yourself, at least your friends can.
Phone Call Blackmail
i hate to admit it, but i threaten to send my son’s unit (he has been in the Navy for 13 yrs) pictures of him in a superman outfit(holding a cabbage patch doll) unless he calls me . He calls within 15 minutes
Exciting Weekend Plans
We’re heading to WalMart shortly in order to buy tweezers, so we can remove a tick from the dog’s face. After that, I suspect the rest of the day will be anti-climactic, especially if Daddy finds the type of pocket combs he favors.
Mom’s “Hodar”
Backstory: My little brother just broke up with his very wholesome and sweet girlfriend.
Mom: Im worried your silly little brother is going to pick some drunken ho for his wife while he’s in this dumb partying mode lol
Me: hehe
Mom: I know but seriously
Me: i doubt he’d marry one
Mom: I told him not to do that
Me: but i can see him dating one or a few right now
Mom: I KNOW!
scaaaary
I will slap her down
whoever she is
I have good hodar
Me: haha
Mom: I can spot a ho from a mile away
Computer Emergency
Backstory: My mom frantically called me because her computer was acting “weird.”
Mom: Help! I think I broke my computer!
Me: What happened?
Mom: I don’t know. The screen went black and there’s lines going across it.
Me: What happens when you hit a key or the mouse?
Mom: It goes away but if I leave the room and come back 10 minutes later it comes back! WHAT DID I DO?!?!?
Me: That’s your screen saver
Mom: Well that’s dumb
I Want to Adopt Steve Jobs
I love you and my ipad.
Mom
Defend Yourself!
Backstory: My sister is smaller and skinnier than me. My mom wanted her to take a self defense class in college.
me: You never wanted _me_ to take self defense classes.
mom: Well, you’re …. sturdy.
Pandora Knows I’m Old
Mom: UGH! Does it mean I am old when I am listening to music on Pandora, and it gives me an AARP ad?
Me: LOL
Mom: I’m going with the ads are not prompted by the music I pick.
Me: You aren’t old. I’m guessing you are rocking out to some classic stuff?
Mom: yep
Me: Rock on, mom!
Ever Wonder Where Your Brothers Came From?
Backstory: I was telling my Mom about how my dog ate a loaf of bread off my kitchen counter.
Mom: Rondy, our old dog, ate my birth control pills, foil and all. Spit out the plastic compact. It was all chewed up. Had to take him to the vet because I thought he was going to die…………embarrassing!
Me: hahaha
Mom: 4 1/2 months before I could get a prescription for more at the Air Force Hospital
Ever wonder why your brothers are 19 months apart?
Mom’s Epic Trilogy
Love you more than galaxies!
Mom
The Bomb
P.S.: Dad and I took a walk in the yard tonight and I found a DEAD SNAKE IN THE SAME AREA THAT ALL THE OTHER SNAKES HAVE BEEN FOUND IN. BUYING DYNAMITE TOMORROW TO BLOW UP SIDE YARD BY ARCHWAY. **Screams and runs off. Wets pants. Hates snakes.**
P.P.S.: Planning to write a trilogy. Listed from first to last are the titles I have planned.
1) Screams and Runs Off
2) Wets Pants
3) Hates Snakes
The New Neighbor’s “Work”
New neighbors seem very nice but can see she has had “work done” she has the goofy looking lips that remind me of a duck’s beak but now lines around the mouth.
Love you,
Mom
Talking Container
Mom: So where can I get the 5 cents refund for the juice container?
Me: I’m afraid we do not have this service in our state, you’d actually have to go to one of those states listed on the container.
Mom: Really? So these are state names?
Me: Yeah these abbreviations.
Mom: So what does ME stand for?
Me: The State of Maine
Mom: REALLY? I was thinking it was actually a way of explaining the value of a juice container to people who are illiterate or not very bright. You know, saying : “Me- 5 cents”, “Me” referring to the container, as if it was speaking for itself.
Me: um… I think most people are brighter than that…
