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Me: When I pick up the cake where should I put it?
Mom: just make room in the freezer in the garage – just watch out for Spike
Me: I’m sorry, Spike the cat?
Mom: yes, he died
Me: he died in the freezer??
Mom: No he died in the yard – but we can’t bury him yet the ground is frozen.
Me: so you put the DEAD CAT in the freezer?
Mom: Oh stop whining – I liked that cat. All we keep in there is sodas and stuff.
Backstory: My mom teaches catechism classes and I made a poster for her 1st Communion group.
Mom: I measured the poster board. It’s 19 1/2 long x 29 3/4 wide. Mom
Me: Ok, got it.
Mom: Would it be too much of a problem to print last year’s poster with the new photos? I think the cup and colors are nicer. Let me know. Thanks. Mom & Jesus
I wore this top yesterday with my very cute brown capris. I’ve worn this top several times before but yesterday I decided it was really ugly. Why does this happen? Does something happen to clothes while they are hanging in the closet? Something to ponder…
So, just tell me one thing – are you back together with Josh?
Just so I know if I should hang myself tonight or tomorrow.
I bought one from Target,but not sure it’s the right thing. It says “for moderate exercise like biking, hiking, etc.” Says nothing about “jogging so fast your tits will hit your face if you don’t wear this bra.”
I don’t know what store would sell one that firm. Probably some bondage shop.
:)
Momma
I just saw your subject line False advertising and just about shit myself. You are so effin beautiful that when I see you in a photo I don’t know you are in I don’t always recognize you because I still filter you through my minds eye and just never really understood how absolutely gorgeous you are. I always thought it was just because I love you so much. Does that make any sense? I always knew you guys were beautiful but then I get to see you how others do and I just feel sorry for all the ugly people.
Me: Mom, I thought I would share with you the type of emails I am now receiving from my mommy group.
Subject line, “4 year old holding poop”
Mom: What?
Me: I guess this poor little guy is having a hard time pooping and the mom wants some advice as to how to help her son feel comfortable to go poop
Mom: Who ever knew kids did this… I am so out of it that I thought it was literally HOLDING it, as in “in the hand”, sort of like the poop that floated up in the wading pool when we all visited grandma and you were in the wading pool in her back yard.
Me: thanks mom
Mom: Your aunt and I want to know if you’ve ever heard of a camel’s foot?
Me: Um, do you mean a camel toe???
Mom: Yes! That’s it. What is it?
Me: Well, it’s when a woman wears really tight pants and gets a wedgie….um, in the front…
Mom: Oh! Well, wouldn’t that look more like the entire foot??
Mom: Punkin, I’m going through the house now deciding who will get what when I die. Would you like me to send you all the mounted antlers and stuffed pheasants your dad had around here?
Me: Um……no
Mom: Why not? He was proud of those kills.
Me: Mom, I’m a vegetarian.
Mom: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’re one of “those people”.
Me: What do you mean “those people”?
Mom: You know, California hippie tree huggers. How’s that Obama working out for you, huh?
Mom: Warning: sis is in high priss form.
Me: Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!
Mom: Yes, darling, that’s it exactly. Just be prepared. No one is smarter about food, excercise and anything else. Maybe we can stuff her full of carbs and wine and calm her down!
Backstory: My mom is obsessed with Twilight and is going to see the midnight show…she was telling her Bible study group about it.
Rob’s girlfriend has only seen Twilight and was telling me that Rob thinks the movies are evil…get over it!!! She was asking me if I had read the books and I told her I had. Then she asked if I owned them, which I confirmed. When she told me that maybe she would borrow them I nearly passed out. I DON’T THINK SO! Sorry, but the only person I would lend them to is you. They’re family heirlooms for crying out loud!
Backstory: My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. My mom feels he’s an underachiever. My mom feels that even IF he did propose, he wouldn’t be able to give me the life that “I” (read: she) would want. Also, my 30th birthday is in mere days and this to her renders me a lukewarm commodity in the dating sphere.
Mom: Hey, I just heard it’s “free communication weekend” on eHarmony. Just saying…
Me: uh…I’m not single. Isn’t that like false advertising?
Mom: Can you say “it’s complicated” like on Facebook?
Me: Uh… I don’t think so… I think if you’re on that site, it’s pretty much like you’re single and looking for a date.
mom: Well, he said you could start looking if he didn’t propose by June, and next weekend will be July;-)
Me: true… but I have a problem with looking while we’re still together.
Mom: Ok, I just thought “free weekend”.
Hi,
How goes it? I spent an hour or so cleaning up your room. You have to turn over a new leaf when you get back. We’re going to get rid of some clothes you don’t wear and even look at the books. You’ll feel good when you’re better organized, and it won’t be a big deal.
Anyway, I found a wallet with a driver’s license, etc. Don’t you need it?
Would you like me to send you the articles on your desk that you probably didn’t have time to read when you were home?
Do you have a mailing address?
You had a role of undeveloped film, so we’re having it developed.
I’m throwing out the dildo (or however you spell it). Not funny or cute, in my opinion.
Would you like your Appalachian trail certificate framed? If so, with our without the badges?
Did you realize that we bought you that clock (in Germany)? You never said anything.
Are all the arrows usable? I guess you’ll have to sort them out yourself.
You have tons of shoes now, by the way.
