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Mom: I’ve been getting into law shows lately.
Me: Which ones?
Mom: Sex and Defenders.
Me: ….what? Is that like some kind of warped Judge Judy?
Mom: No, they investigate sex crimes. And they go to court a lot. There are two separate groups.
Me:…you mean Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?!
Mom: No. Every episode begins with a “dun dun.”
Me: Yeah, that’s Law & Order. Here’s a youtube link of the opening.
Mom: Ok, that’s the one.
Have fun at the beach!!! Please keep in touch with me, I’d like to be able to tell the police where to start looking for the body
Dont call me crazy but a met a hispanic pastor that is 28 and I like y to met him when y come to SA I like y to has a blind date just as a friend I like his spirit is in the right place Think about it Im going to Austin on Friday to a church during the day can we have lunch or a coffee?
Backstory: My mother calls. I have no voice, so I ignore the call and text her back. She responds by text.
Me: Can’t talk, I have no voice. I’m sick.
Mom: Don’t you have another phone?
Me: It doesn’t matter, I can’t talk. I don’t have a voice.
Mom: so why don’t you talk on your other phone.
Me: because I have no voice.
Mom: why is that phone broken too?
Me: the phones are fine, I just don’t have a voice. I can’t talk. I’m sick.
Mom: so it’s not the phone.
Me: no. I’m sick, I have no voice.
Mom: oh. hope your fever gets better.
Backstory: Our 14 year old beagle Snickers is nearly blind, deaf, incontinent, and has a slew of age and anxiety related disorders…this email came along with a creepy pic of Snicky staring off into space, looking like she’s thinking about eating your head.
Here’s a pic of Snicky at the Vet for consult to change all her Meds. The long staring into space like we know her to exhibit are related to decreased cognitive function they say… Or as papa george Says: She Has. The HAMMER.
Snickers would say hi if she could remember who you were!
Love you girls
Mom
Is he nice do you like him what does he do do you have a lot in common do you share mutual friends does he text you is he cute
We have been saying “people suck” about people in general as you can appreciate. So how would we go about making tshirts that say that on the front and on the back we could just list all the things that have made the news that forced us into saying this. Any info will be helpful. Thanks mom
Mom: Passed you by the mall, i was driving hearse but i did wave
Hi honey,
1. Do you have the first Barefoot Contessa Cookbook?
2. If a guy from Match wants to talk to me, do I give him my cell phone number or land line? Or what?
Love you!
Mom
Laurie and I are going to get airbrushed makeup for the wedding and we are having a trial run on Aug 2nd here in Houston with my facial man Brian Champagne (yes his real name). Would you be interesting joining us?
I think it could be really fun.
Let me know
Love Mom
Hi children – Some good news, and sorry to say some bad news: Grandma from Florida had more stents today. I was told everything went well. Aunt Rhoda is going to a doctor today to have her nodules checked on her goiter. Your cousin Justine was put in a mental hospital. I just heard she had a nervous breakdown because Dave told her he doesn’t love her any more, and he has another girlfriend. She was begging him to take her back. Grandpa Morty probably has to go to a nursing home because he keeps falling.
Love you both.
Mom
Mom: Oh..so could I follow Lady Gaga on Twitter?
Me: Yes
Mom: Will she follow me?
me: i just found my first gray hair
mom: really
me: [sent pic text to mom]
mom: oh oh! should start family soon
So..there I was.
It was a long and stressful day. The basement flooded, the dumpster arrived this morning and its 3/4 full, there is still water in the basement even though we have 2 sump pumps going. Little did I know the main sump pump directed the water into the septic tank. The septic tank became full of basement water. Full to the brim. Called Fred’s..my very favorite people..and they came and emptied the septic tank thank god before shit started backing up into the basement. I never ever thought I would be happy to see Fred’s. Major crisis averted. Repeat…MAJOR CRISIS AVERTED.
Dad is exhausted. Did I mention it was in the high 80′s with a dew point hovering around 75?? Sauna weather. There is basement water and crud tracked all over the kitchen and the basement stairs. It looks like a disaster area and smells kinda funky.
So…I wondered. Should I head for the pharmaceuticals or possibly the moonshine…or should I try to transport myself to a state of calmness with music. I’ll give it a shot. I decided to listen to some relaxing music in a feeble attempt to decompress from the past couple days, possibly avoid a migraine in the works, basically wind down. First a little Mozart. Nice. Then I grabbed a random cd and it was Jose Carreras. Very nice, but a little too emotional and powerful. Hmmmm….as I looked through my “relaxing” music I found something I hadn’t listened to for a while. Wow..perfect…I haven’t listened to Josh Groban for ages. I excitedly put Josh in my handy little boom box and it was like magic. Josh did the trick. I had forgotten what a beautiful version of “Vincent” he does, and also that he does a lovely duet with Charlotte Church at the end of the cd. As I was listening to the blending of their two beautiful voices, I was thinking to myself, this is fabulous, it worked. Perfect. I feel so much better, so relaxed. Thank you Josh. Ahhhhh. I was sad to think the cd was over, and I should play it again.
But wait.
There’s more.
This was a burned cd. I think Kristin burned it for me years ago, before I became savvy enough to actually burn a cd all by myself. There was a hidden track. One I had forgotten about.
It was Vincent.
Cleverly and enthusiastically sung by Me First and the Gimme Gimme’s.
Time to start over….with a shot of moonshine followed by the original purchased cd.
Just thought I would share.
xoxo
Mom
ps….it was really really funny :-)
Backstory: Mom was trying to learn how to use her new Droid.
Did you know that people are doing sex on their apps?
Mom: I asked Dad what camel toe was and he explained it to me. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT AT THE DINNER TABLE!
Me: Mom, I told you what it meant and you laughed.
Mom: YES, BUT I DIDN’T GET IT! I just didn’t want to look stupid!
OMG - I was just watching a repeat of the Rachel Zoe Project and they were showing the highlight of Paris fashion and the platform high heels like your hooker shoes are sooooo in! I die – isn’t it bananas? Can’t wait to see what’s up with Taylor this sason – Love, Mom
Backstory: My mom ALWAYS goes to Supercuts. She thinks it’s a waste of money to go to a salon. Yet, she complains every time about her haircuts.
PS I got a haircut today and I look like a little boy– with wrinkles. She said, “I guess it’s a little shorter than you wanted, huh?” I’m meeting people for lunch tomorrow and I might need to wear my wig–that’s how bad it is! I may have to use the men’s locker room tomorrow. That’s how bad it is. I now have 3 bald spots. That’s how bad it is.
Me: Tell him to feel better. I love and appreciate you. Am I cute?
Mom: On occasion. Am I hot and is my butt big?
Me: You are hot because your butt is big.
Mom: I have a brick boohang.
Some 25 Years ago your Grandpa told me that the peace symbol was negative and did not mean peace.
I was doing some research and found some info on it.
This symbol has been known as a Nero Cross and or a Teutonic rune of death used by Wiccans and Satanists in rituals. When you have a little free time you may want to google this and do some reading for yourself. If you still have the guitar strap with this symbol on it get rid of it for your own good.
I trust you are feeling better!! Love You , Mom
