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Mom: Watcha up to?
Me: listening to my loggins and messina lps and smoking pot
Mom: That is not ok.
Me: sorry mama :(
Mom: I’m disappointed in the decisions you are making. That’s something not even I would do, not even in the 70s.
Me: what are you talking about!?!? you smoked so much pot!
Mom: I mean the Loggins & Messina. That is just so uncool.
Backstory: My mother in law sent this in an email titled “little advice” after she saw pics of my hubby in my summer photos on facebook.
mom: Sweetheart, if you must take a photo of my baby without a shirt, PLEASE DON’T POST IT. He looks very big and I worry about him. Has he gained a lot since last year? Love, Mom
me: Sure but I guess I will be posting no pics of him then except winter because he is always shirtless in the summer. Also Everyone looks heavier in photos and rest assured he hasn’t put on any weight since last year. He works out religiously and has passed all his check ups. Hope your all well. How are you doing on the quitting smoking? Love, Me
Mom: is your computer on?
Me: yes, why?
Mom: i’m trying to send you an email and it won’t go through
Backstory: I live in Nashville and work in the music industry. The other day, I almost got into a car accident with Kenny Rogers near my office. I e-mailed my mom to tell her. Mom’s reply:
can’t wait to hear play by play action of the near crash. Did he raise his eyebrows in distress? or were they already fixed that way? lol
Me: I just sneezed so hard my ears popped!
Mom: Just wait til you’re 50 and you pee your pants every time you sneeze that hard. Your ears will be the least of your worries!
Me: Thanks mom for always giving me something to look forward to.
Mom: That’s my job!
Mom: That guy on the bachelor pad is such a DUDE! ugh!
Me: a what?
Mom: A dude!
Me: do you mean… a douche?
Mom: No- I don’t say that word! I call them dudes.
The mood of this email is: SMILEY FACES :-) :-) :-) :-)
Magazine project does sound FUN. Features Director is the most fun job – but you should do the sub editing role as well (you are good at picking up grammatical errors and spelling etc). :-) :-)
No need to spaz out. All will be good tonight. I am looking foward to it. :-)
Love you lots xx :-)
;-) :-P
Me: You’ll be happy to know that there were 3 more people in my class tonight and two were guys around my age.
Mom: Single? Cute? Straight?
I love you with every breath in my body but I do think you’re a little dead inside.
Backstory: This was my mothers response when I sent her photos from an old family friends wedding.
Yeah, Elizabeth is a natural blonde.
When did her legs get so unattractive?
Could Kathleen have married someone who looks more like Tom?
Looks like Kathleen is back on the sauce.
Rita is still alive! She looks great!
Kathleen does a mean dance!
Looks like Kathleen is giving Elizabeth a pep-talk. Is it because she’s not married yet?
I’m such a cat!
Mom: you and [your boyfriend] need to watch how much you drink when you start back next week
you’re getting too old to overdo it all the time
Me: oh we KNOW. don’t worry
Mom: how about fewer drinks and higher quality drinking??
just a suggestion
I’m your mother so I’m supposed to say things like that
Me: i don’t drink sh*tty stuff
hahaha no worries
Mom: good, avoid hard stuff
Me: yeah i’ll just drink good beer on my bday
Mom: at least beer has some nutritional value
Me: like what?
Mom: i dunno
maybe I made it up
Backstory: I assume she’s referring to a photo I took of a mural in NYC where there are kittens engaging in immoral activity (drinking from a beer bong, etc). I tagged my friends and brother on it and I got this message later that day.
PULEEZE be careful of your language and what you say on FB, baby. It is not only a social network. It is Your Future network! I love you and only interfere when I feel it is absolutely necessary. Mention that to Bren sometime, ok??!!
I did not mean to make you a (Facebook) friend, I love you but I do not want to see what you are doing so please unfriend me…. I did the same thing to your brother, Somebody needs to show me how to do that thing.
Love,
Mom
Backstory: I was at the World Cup for mountain biking, and she hadn’t heard from me in a few days.
You didn’t become a biker groupie did you? Like running off to join the circus. From what I read it mostly entails young 20 somethings — mostly males. They end up with fertility problems from having their jewels pounded by bike seats.
I love you. With the exception of a slightly bloodshot eye, you looked exceptionally lovely today….
off to make dad pasta salad…talk with you later.
I’m so glad a chunk of ceiling didn’t fall on your head. I also thank you mille fois for contacting us immediately. It was extremely thoughtful and saved me from having to wet my pants.
XXXXXOOOOO
MA
P.S. Your father has started taking his laxatives and is shitting every 5 minutes. I’ll be worrying about our septic system all night.
Mom: I found a box in the attic full of your Dad’s Fields & Streams magazine collection. They are from 1976 through 1981 and surely are worth something, do you want them? Course some of them are missing pages because he would take these on his fishing trips and would pull pages out to use as toilet paper. He was such a macho man (sigh).
Me: Mom, I don’t even know how to respond to this so I’ll just say no thanks.
Mom: What? I thought his machoness was kinda hot.
Me: Trust me, it’s not and no one say’s “macho” anymore.
Mom: So you’re saying machoness died with your father?
Me: Um, ok, I’ll go with that.
