Holding Your First Born for Ransom
me: I applied for the job
mom: Yay for you, yay for me!
me: why yay for you?
mom: You owe me like 10k. Im gonna hold your first born hostage til paid in full. Im gonna name it Ardsley. So excited
Major Fraudulent Activities
i just tried to forward you an email from patch, but it was suspected of spam. about a brookline resident, 63, last name of [x], and his major fraudulent actitivies. didnt’ you have a friend with that last name?
Heavy Meds
Backstory: I had been worried about a medication I am on for my migraines and emailed my mom about it.
I had looked this up along time ago and if you Google further the med has been successful in treating Migraines. You have some heavy meds that you take. Try to sell them ……HAHA just kidding do not, they’ll throw you in the huscow. Anyway I would prefer that you learn to handle your stress and anxiety through deep breathing and yoga or tai chi. Bring the medicine home (I’ll take it or sell, I’ll throw a sneaker over the telephone wire) AGAIN HAHA I am just cracking myself up tonight. Love you
MOM
Stepford Wives at Work
Me: Ok so the new girl at work is like Martha Stewart. She came in today with cupcakes. The cupcakes have the prettiest liners I have ever seen. I think she is trying to buy our sugared-up affection, which would work for me, but on a female team where the baking pecking-order has already been established, she is about to make herself some enemies…
Mom: Tell the stepford wife wannabe she better watch her aproned backside! ;-) Ok, but before you all burn her at the stake…for being a baking witch and all…tis the season! Ask her where she got the pretty papers!!
Me: No. I refuse. She took my desk. We are not friends.
Mom: It’s ok, someone will find a hair at some point…or maybe a roach leg…just be patient! ;-)
I Found Your New Boyfriend
Backstory: My mom is obsessed with this gay friendly church I used to go to…so they’re opening a new branch in my current neighborhood and she’s… very hopeful.
Did you check out the pictures from Trey’s Wicker Park church launch party? Thought I saw some good looking guys in the pictures! You may know all of them already but you know I’m always on the look for the future love of your life! :)
On Pap Smears and Emoticons
Me: Hey Mom, just wanted to let you know that my pap smear came back negative! Love you. 12:36 AM
Mom: Thank god I’m so happy for you 12:37 AM
Me: Good night :-) I will probably be over for a few after work tomorrow 12:38 AM
Mom: Ok ({}) 12:39 AM
Me: … on my phone that looks suspiciously like a vagina. how apropos 12:40 AM
Mom: Its a big hug silly 12:41 AM
Mom: Not the vag!! 12:41 AM
You Mean a Snuggie?
Mom: do you still want a cuddle up?
Me: huh?
Mom: you know those things you wear that keep you warm while your lounging/watching tv
Me: lol- a snuggie? No thank you.
Me and You Down the Aisle!
Me: Hey mom, do you happen to have your old wedding dress? I need it for Halloween. I’m going to be a shotgun wedding.
Mom: I have no idea where my wedding dress is…pretty funny…you DO realize that that dress would’ve been perfect as it WAS a shotgun wedding…you did know that didn’t you? YUP, me and you down the aisle!!! Go to a salvation army or something or maybe your father has the wedding dress!! ha ha Hey, how was your date?
How a Bike Ride is Like a Mezuzah
Backstory: My mom’s response to an email I sent about riding my bike to work through central park
Hearing this made Dad very happy. Kind of the equivalent of having you call me to be reminded where to put the mezuzah. Of course, putting up a mezuzah does not put you in the same traffic pattern as two ton trucks.
You are the best.
–
Mom
Thanks Homies.
So what does that song…somethin somethin i’m so fly like a g6. what is g6? Thanks homies.
How to Solve a Problem, Mom-Style
Backstory: I had missed a call from my mom and texted her back a while later.
Me: Sorry, I was at work
Mom: Nevermind. I had a problem, but it is gone and so is a bottle of wine. Go figure
Barking Bathroom
Backstory: This is an excerpt from this morning’s phone conversation with my mom.
Me: I had one yesterday that was sooo long and had a big arc.
Mom: A bark?
Me: What?? No, I said an “arc.” If my poo barked at me I’d be really scared.
Mom: Yeah, I’d want to do a parasite check on you.
The “Damn It, My Mom’s On Facebook Filter”
This Saturday Night Live sketch from last night’s episode starring Jane Lynch is near and dear to our hearts. It’s for a product called the “damn it, my mom is on facebook filter.” It turns potentially controversial status updates like “There isn’t enough beer in the world for me to deal with Glenn Beck’s holy roller b.s.” into the mom-friendly “Boy, do I need new dungarees!” Sigh, if only there were something like this in real life.
Apologies For Being Sooooooo Ignorant
Let’s talk on the phone, please, about facebook.
So, I signed on because info about CPE’s 35th reunion was on it. Instantly, something like 300 people wanted to be my friend and I ignored all of it. Now, I can’t retrieve Maud’s photos of her middle east trip. She’s a “friend”of yours – can you retrieve them and send them along to me, or do I have to do something else and what do I have to do? Apologies for being sooooooooooooo ignorant. xxoo
How Texting Works?
I’m trying to call Jessica to get my hair cut but it says her phone is disconnected. Can you text her for me?
Home Cookin’
Mom: did you use butter or oil?
Me: oil
Mom: if the stew tastes bland, add some spices and also add some butter. My saying is, even shit tastes good if you put butter in it.
Grown Up Job, Grown Up Hair
Me: I am really excited about starting my job tomorrow a little nervous too.
Mom: I can’t wait either. Maybe now you will start styling your hair differently. You really look like a 12 year old girl with those bangs.
Dad is Home! But…
dad is home!
he’s feeling better
he still hasn’t had a good bowel movement since last wednesday
so he is full of shit :-)
love
mom
XOXO
Meticulous Yoga Bob
Mom: I’m doing Match.com. Ugh.
Me: any catches on there?
Mom: I’m emailing one guy named Bob who does a lot of yoga. I think he is probably scrawny.
Me: Probably
Mom: He says he’s “meticulous.” He LOOKS meticulous.
Me: that probably means he has OCD.
Mom: I bet you’re right. He IS a virgo.
They Are Old!
Backstory: A lot of my friends have been dating older men lately and mom wanted to make sure I didn’t follow their lead.
If you meet a man that is 40+ (even at church- HA) please take off your heels and run very fast in the opposite direction….. they may or may not have money. They may adore you (because you ar fun and 25 years old), but guess what? They are old! They will be 60 when you are 45 years old.
Love, Mom
