Belated Valentine’s Day Greetings
Happy V Day to you! Hope your gifts warm the cockles of your heart and that cupid brings you a cock to warm. That was disgusting.
MA
Happy Birthday, You Snore
Thanks for the wishes…But you know I’d rather not acknowledge it. Not that I mind being 67….I just think it’s time to fuhgetaboutit. Your father gave me a mouthpiece-thingee to eliminate my snoring…..now is that any kind of gift? That’s like giving someone Depends or Preparation H!!
There Are No Dumb Questions
This might be a dumb question, but on John’s facebook post….
what does FML mean???
Cell Phone Paranoia
Just saw on cnn site that (lots of?) exposure to cell phones before and after birth is not so good for children.
(Behavior problems?) Probably computers too. Yikes! So much to think about. And it’s really impossible to avoid it. It’s good that you like to cook, read, watch movies, and go for walks. (Walk with a friend, stay near home, and don’t go after dark…you would need your cell phone then…well, you may need it most of the time when you walk anyway.) It’s good you don’t walk around with it attached to your belt all the time! I wonder about those new “Kindle” readers. I’m sticking with books and paperbacks!
Love you!
-Mom
Do As I Say, Not As I Do It
Backstory: My mom has been encouraging me to abstain from sex in my dating relationship to be pure for a potential marriage. After our first sleepover, she definitely wanted to know if I was a good girl.
Mom: So…..did you behave yourself? Did you scar him for life?
Me: No! We just kissed. Thats it.
Mom: Well good. Its important to wait before having sex so its special and means something. Maybe you two could wait until you’re married. I mean, I know you’re not a virgin or anything but it would be so special to wait for your new husband. That way you know you can trust in each other.
Me: How long did you and dad wait?
Mom: 3 hours
Me: WHAT?! Three hours?!
Mom: Well, he was hot.
Better to Be a Ho
Backstory: A freelance job that was helping me bring in some extra income just ended and I’m tightening my belt to make ends meet. I suggested getting a second job and this is what my mother retorts with.
No you are not driving a cab. Better to be a ho.
Happy Hooterific Valentine’s Day!
Backstory: My friends and I have a running tradition of going to Hooters on Valentine’s Day. My mom knows about this, and sent me a card with $10 in it.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Have fun at Hooters! Don’t spend this on a lap dance!
Are You Having A Seizure?
Mom: Sometime soon will u look in your glovr
Me: ? I don’t have a glovr?
Mom: Glove box and see if u can find out how mu h sales taz I paid when I bought your carr
Mom: I think I cqn take if off my yaxes
Mom: Taxes
Me: Are you having a seizure?
Mom: No, holding a smoke.
Are You Sure You’re Not Pregnant?
Backstory: I got a big tattoo on my back, and my mother was always against tattoos. So, naturally I was very nervous to tell her, and did not tell her about it for a month or so. Also, I recently broke off my engagement, and was single at the time, which she constantly talked about.
Me: Mom, there is something I have to tell you.
Mom: Are you getting married?
Me: No, just listen. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, and it is very important to me.
Mom: You are pregnant!
Me: No, mom
Mom: You have a boyfriend!
Me: Mom, i’m trying to tell you something!
Mom: You already got married?
Me: NO!
Mom: So you are pregnant!
Me: OH MY GOD MOM! I GOT A TATTOO!
Me: Mom?
Mom: I thought you were pregnant. Are you sure you’re not pregnant?
Covering All the Bases
Me: There is a HUGE storm here. They canceled classes and work sent everyone home early. I’m safely tucked away at Panera doing homework.
Mom: Geez! Glad you’re safe. Is Panera close to home?????? It’s crazy here too, but not as bad as there. It’s been thundering and lightening all day. I haven’t gone out. Be safe. Stay warm. Don’t text while driving. And don’t do drugs. Love M
Wrong Kid, Sorry.
Mom: Love you!!!!!! Know that everyone here supports you.
Me: What?
Mom: Wrong kid sorry. We don’t support you.
Me: Thanks a lot.
Practicing My DogMa
Backstory: My mom writes me e-mails from the point of view of the family dog. There are even nicknames for every member of the family including Littermate (which was me), TreatGoddess (my mom), and NightWalkman (my dad).
Boy, did I have a bad day today! TreatGoddess read me your email it sounds like you are feeling a little left out about the whole sorority rush thing. All I can say is that I once I tried to pledge Alpha Borda Colla and they didn’t let me in, they said it was just because I wasn’t a purebred, but I think it may really have been because they were jealous of my beautiful big eyes and small, elegant nose. All those bitches had such long, long noses and little bitty eyes and I knew they would just be threatened by the way my face would stand out in the crowd. Well about my bad day. We went to the stinky vet and there was no cat to torture in the cage, just some lame parakeets. Dr. B. said I have to come back and have the growth removed on Thursday. I’m not worried, but I really don’t like that I don’t get any breakfast on Thursday morning and nothing to eat after ten on Wednesday night. So Littermate Camille, say a little prayer for me, and I’ll practice my dogma for you. I m
iss you!
