Practicing My DogMa

Backstory: My mom writes me e-mails from the point of view of the family dog.  There are even nicknames for every member of the family including Littermate (which was me), TreatGoddess (my mom), and NightWalkman (my dad).

Boy, did I have a bad day today!  TreatGoddess read me your email it sounds like you are feeling a little left out about the whole sorority rush thing. All I can say is that I once I tried to pledge Alpha Borda Colla and they didn’t let me in, they said it was just because  I wasn’t a  purebred, but I think it may really have been because they were jealous of my beautiful big eyes and small, elegant nose.  All those bitches had such long, long noses and little bitty eyes and I knew they would just be threatened by the way my face would stand out in the crowd. Well about my bad day. We went to the stinky vet and there was no cat to torture in the cage, just some lame parakeets. Dr. B. said I have to come back and have the growth removed on Thursday. I’m not worried, but I really don’t like that I don’t get any breakfast on Thursday morning and nothing to eat after ten on Wednesday night. So Littermate Camille, say a little prayer for me, and I’ll practice my dogma for you. I m
iss you!

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    • 1.  kelly jean

      I’m not crazy about dogs but this was adorable ;)

      February 2, 2011 at 11:35 am

    • 2.  Terry

      Very clever. I used to write our family’s Christmas letter from our dog, Crazy Daisy, the Literary Labrador. Hope the surgery goes well.

      February 2, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    • 3.  retropink

      Sweet! When I was in college (before cell phones & email – the horror!) my dog used to send me typewritten letters. Complete with crumbly bits of dog food in the envelopes. Why he was eating while typing I’ll never know. I love those letters & still have the first one.

      February 2, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    • 4.  chelsea

      Aww. This makes me smile :)

      February 2, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    • 5.  funnelwebkitten

      I’m not a dog person, but that’s kinda sweet 8-)

      Anyway I can’t talk, I have a twitter account for my cat.

      February 3, 2011 at 7:44 am

    • 6.  Peter

      Hmm, I thought the OP’s mother was weird, but apparently more moms let the dog do the talking. Makes saying ‘I love you’ easier?

      Liked the part about torturing cats, though I am a cat person.

      February 4, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    • 7.  Liz

      so funny – i kind of wish my mom would try it!

      February 5, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    • 8.  thundacat

      ummm…this is just crazyness….weird, weird, crazyness

      February 7, 2011 at 10:29 am

    • 9.  Anne-with-an-e

      My family is one of those unable to say things outright, so my mom especially talks through the pets when I’m there (“X wants to know if she can cheer you up.” “Is your kitty keeping you company while you get better?”) She hasn’t gone this far, though!

      February 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    • 10.  AnnaJ

      This sounds exactly like an old coworker of mine. My old boss and I teased her and called her “crazy lady” (all in good fun and to her face, I adore her!). Oddly enough…her daughter’s name is the same. I love fun parents like this.

      February 15, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    • 11.  DooDoo Face

      This is weird. I wouldn’t allow my mother to do this, it’d be encouraging her to become a batshit crazy old lady.

      February 18, 2011 at 1:43 pm

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Love, Mom