New Dress/STD Testing

Hi Honey,

Seems like a while since we chatted, How are you doing. I am really looking forward to seeing you next week. Dad has not booked a hotel yet but we should either get one near the wedding reception or near you.

I ordered a new dress I hope you like it.

Are you taking good care of yourself. Eating right and getting your exercise /That will help you deal with all the ups and downs in life. Also if you had unprotected sex with J. or anyone K. you should always get tested for std’s as many people have them and don’t know.It can cause sterility as well as a host of problems.

love you

mom

Posted on 07.29.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: , , , ,

Online Dating=Fistful of Gumdrops

Backstory: Mom has recently entered the world of online dating.  Her facebook status this morning:

Well I got a hot blind date for lunch today so I went to Jazzercise this morning to lose a quick 20 pounds. It didn’t work so I came home and had a fistful of gumdrops. Now to hope my blind date has cateracts.

Posted on 07.27.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: ,

Has the Heat Got to Your Brain?

Backstory: I live in Montreal, home to the Orchestre symphonique de Montreal, thus my confusion.

Me: anything new?
Mom: it is really hot
Mom: I just watched the OSM’s last you tube video and [houseguests] are downtown
Me: the OSM, or E&S?
Mom: ohhhh, I wish the OSM was downtown. I would follow him anywhere. I forgot about him, but he is amazing. Sigh.
Me: Nagano?
Mom: Nagano???
Me: you said you would follow “him” anywhere, and we were talking about the OSM, so I thought you meant Ken Nagano, the director
Mom: no, no the Old Spice Man
Me: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Mom: he is so lovely *sigh*
Me: are you ok? or has the heat got to your brain?
Mom: sigh. have you watched him?????

Posted on 07.25.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: , ,

I Should Sound Like Jane Austen

Backstory: My mom was emailing me about an email conversation she had with my sister who had been writing differently than usual.

I did ask her why she was so formal, she told me it was because of all the books she reads.

If books effect your speech that much, I should sound like Jane Austin or a middle aged black lady from Botswana.

Posted on 07.22.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: , ,

Sprinkles to Slumlord

My iPhone just auto corrected sprinkles to slumlord. What’s up with that?!

Posted on 07.20.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: ,

One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, No Fish.

Backstory: My sister and her husband got some fish but did not take the best care of them, and they both died within a day of each other.  My mom discovered that the second one had passed and informed them through text.

FOLLOWS IS WHAT I TEXTED TO NICOLE AND MARK THIS MORNING:  Another fishey not swimming…Reason: dead.  So sorry for your losses.  Instead of only a memorial service for dead fish #1, you can combine it with the funeral flush (oops, sorry… I MEANT funeral service — my mistake– won’t happen again) for dead fish #2 today.  One fish. Two fish. Dead fish. No fish.  My deepest sympathies to you both.  I will start praying now that the 2 of you do better with my future grandbabies.

Posted on 07.18.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: ,

Your Furniture Looks Like Death

Backstory: I recently took away my mom’s commenting privileges on facebook because it was getting a little out of hand. Today I posted a link to a chair made out of an old suitcase I thought was cute and she decided to let me know just what she thinks about it via facebook message.

re: luggage furniture…the handle is in an awful place that would get in the way of your legs. Also, they kind of look like mini-coffins…

Love,

Mom

Posted on 07.14.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: ,

Coffee Date or Ax Murdering?

Backstory: My mom just started online dating and is planning her first date.

Me: So are you going for coffee?
Mom: Coke, coffee, whatever.  Just short, maybe sweet, definitely public! What if he is an ax murderer, has three heads and wears polka dots!?

Posted on 07.12.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: ,

Not That Desperate

Backstory: I recently gave my mother a few mini-bottles of port.

Mum: You know, I can’t open one of the bottles. The cap turns and turns but won’t come off.
Me: Maybe you could make a little hole in it
Mum: What?! And drink it like a baby’s bottle??  I’m not quite that desperate, I’ll have you know.
Me: Ok, ok.
Mum: Nah, what we’re going to do is your dad’s going to hold onto one end, with a set of pliers, and I’ll use another set on the cap to unscrew it. And voila!
Me: Not desperate, huh?

Posted on 07.07.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: , ,

Where Did the Breasts Come From?

Backstory: Sent my mom pictures from a girls’ beach weekend.  Received this e-mail back from her.


Hello,
You look beautiful in every picture, love the dresses.  Where did the breasts come from…did you get implants?
MOM

Posted on 07.05.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged:

Go Granny Go!

Backstory: My mom is renown for leaving ridiculous comments on my blog. People read my blog just for her comments. This was in response to a post I did about visiting the Oregon Coast last year.

sounds like you had a good time seeing the Oregon coast. It is quite beautiful but very cold water even in the summer. My friends and I like to pretend we were “California beach girls” when we were in high school. Oh yes those were the days–the
Beach Boys and the little deuce coup and now I am just the little old lady from Pasedena–go granny go granny go granny go! I love you MOM

Posted on 07.01.2011 at 11:00 am// Tagged: ,



Love, Mom