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Mom: Believe me, if I could have your symptoms for a while to give you a break, I would totally do it.
Me: i am so touched that you would want these guts of mine
Mom: I would take anything of yours, but honestly, would you want what I have in return? A bum leg that is cold and purple? Thinning hair? A sagging ass? Dark circles? A bad memory?
Me: This wedding is going to be a Tanya & Alice Production
Mom: oh yes, a T & A production
Me: Do you know what T & A stands for?
Mom: TITS & ASS
Me: Yes mom
Mom: I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck tanya.
Backstory: Mom had breast cancer and then subsequent breast reconstruction. Three years later she finally had the nipple construction and was so excited she posted about it on facebook.
Mom: Did I horrify you?
Me: No lol I already knew. I don’t care. It’s your nipple do with it what you will.
Mom: Yeah but no one wants to see their Mom’s nipple on Facebook.
As you know, I’m into lighting. There is nothing I hate more than energy-efficient lighting—the color of the light makes me sick—so after hearing that as of Jan 2012, you can no longer buy 100W incandescent bulbs, I bought 216 of them tonight. And I plan to buy more. Call me crazy, but I love incandescents!
Backstory: My mom emailed me asking me for the link to the video I made for her 50th birthday last year. This is what she wrote after she watched it again.
When I see myself at 50, I think of the saying “Time marches on…your face.” Oh well, we all get old. I stopped at an assisted living center today and wow…please don’t ever leave me sitting by the door unable to move with my mouth wide open. The flies will get in.
Mom: Stop watching Sponge Bob, it makes your brain tired. You need to color so you can focus better.
Me: Its entirely too early on a Monday morning to already be this drunk mother.
Mom: I’ll have you know I am not drunk. It was on the news this morning they did a study with 6 year olds and determined that Sponge Bob made their brains tired. Think about how relaxed I am after coloring.
Me: I’m more concerned that you are comparing my brain to that of a 6 year old.
Mom: No you are missing the point. If it makes a 6yr old brain tired, it has to affect a grown up brain too. They just probably couldn’t get any grownups to take the test.
Me: They probably tried to find a group, but they were too busy coloring. I say we do our own study, but turn it into a drinking game. Every time Mr. Crabs says ‘SPONGE BOB!!’ we have to take a drink. When the show is over we have a coloring competition to see who can stay in the lines
Mom: you know I would win, I take pride in staying in the lines
SORRY I accidently hit “3″ on my speeddial instead of “2″ for dad. It rang & I did not leave a voice mail when I realized it was your #. Don’t want to talk to ya, don’t need to talk to ya — but still luv ya.
Mommy
Me: thank you!!!
Mom: no problemo
lamo
laimo?
lameo?
romeo?
huh?
lemo?
Nemo?
There is NO way to spell that word
That is a lot of good news! I’m glad you are settling-in…. J
ESL for Peace corps sounds perfect for meeting your teaching requirement. Americorps sounds too good to be true since you get to stay in school and still get the benefits! And I know you’ll love the yoga job since you are still trying to meet your life goal of kicking yourself in the face. Boyfriends with jobs are always better than boyfriends without.
Call when you can can’t wait to hear all of the outcomes. Glad Chirpy is not suicidal.
Mom
Backstory: My brother is heading to college pretty far away and doesn’t know anyone, so of course my Mom and I were gossiping about it.
Mom: I guess he’s been fb a girl from there. They are meeting on saturday
Me: too cute. I shall have to FB stalk her
Mom: well she hasn’t met him face to face yet.
Me: FB is so creepy. I’ll probably never meet her, but i know her belly button’s pierced
Mom: ohhh gross. I don’t want to know.
Me: haha it’s her belly button, not her crotch
Mom: that will be the next thing i don’t want to know. I gotta go to work.
Backstory: I just turned 29 this week. My father called and advised me to start having children before it was too late. In reply, I joked “I have been practicing a lot!”. The next day I told my mom and sister the ‘practicing a lot’ joke. She did not respond. The next day, I received this email. She signed it with my sister’s name as well, whether she was in on it or not.
My Adorable 29th B’Day Girl:
If you’re trying hard to become a mom, make sure you and your sex partner have a clean bill of health, zero gonohrea, herpes, use vaginal, mouth, throat and pipi hygiene before and after.
Happy love making, an intimate indoor exercise sadly missed but not forgotten.
Love,
Mom & Sarah
Mom: I think your boss is kinda cute
Me: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that
Mom: Is he married?
Me: You must be drunk
Mom: Getting there
Me: I’d hope so
Mom: It was a fun group shot. You looked cute in a red-neck sort of way
Me: You’re so awesome
Mom: Pretty much. Just ordered another glass of wine. Stay away from the Iowa State Fair grandstand for crying out loud! And where the hell is Aruba? I forgot to take geography in middle school.
Me: You’re frightening me
Mom: I really don’t know where Aruba is.
Me: I don’t either
Mom: Do you have J’s address? I am sending her a doggie sympathy card.
Me: Can I send it later?
Mom: Can I have the damn address?????
Me: Right now? I’m out eating sushi!
Mom: Never mind I’ll google it. Enjoy the raw fish.
Mom: Got it, thanks for nothing.
Me: Why don’t you take a shot, you’re getting hateful
Mom: Done
