Backstory: My 70 year-old mother just met my sister’s new boyfriend. Phil is mom’s boyfriend.

Mary, Mary Maryyyyyyyy,
OMG.  Does Sue know how lucky she is??? I saw a picture of him, but it didn’t do him justice.  He has dark hair, blue eyes, and very white teeth that are just crooked enough to be so   sexy.  Like he needs the teeth thingy.  I wish I were 40 and sexy and cute because I would give him the ride of his life.  DO NOT tell Sue.  She has a big mouth and would tell him.  You know she would.  I love her but she can’t keep anything to herself.  OHHHH, Mary.  WOW.  OH OH OH no kidding.  WOW.  Phil got the kids so worked up they were having fun.  I wonder what he thinks of this not ever been married or had children.  He seems to take it in stride.  OMG.

Okay girls I need your honest opinion here. This is probably caused by the fact that I am heading towards the big 60 and can already see the signs of aging creeping up on me. Anyway, I need to know how you girls see me because you are my best critics.
Am I too thin?  Do you like my hairstyle or did you like it better when it was shorter like in your cousin’s wedding pics or longer like I had it 8 years ago? Do you think I could stand to change what I wear, like are my sneakers too old lady looking? Have I lost my “Hotness” ? If so, what can I do to get it back? Can you really see the newly acquired wrinkles on my face and do I look OLD? You will go through this too some day so don’t laugh, just tell me what I need to know. Answering honestly will not disqualify you from any inheritance…LOL, but then again you never know.
Love, Mom

Dad and I are going on Wed. to have our wills updated. Which one of you wants to handle the $$$$$ (executor)  and which one wants to pull the plug (health care proxy)?

Backstory: After a late night out, I let my phone die; apparently, this means that I died too. I really don’t know why she signed this as the Great Pumpkin.

Hi,

Probably everything is fine and I am just in a panic, but….

I sent out my usual good morning text this morning and there was no reply.  No matter, thought 7  was too early, but there was no reply at 9:30 either.  So I thought I would give you a call, and it went straight to voice mail.

So, you can see that a paranoid person, such as myself, with a vivid imagination, could become worried.

There is probably a logical explanation for this, such as you are busy and your phone is dead.

Just want to make sure you are okay, so can you please send me an email and let me know that you are okay?

Sincerely

The Great Pumpkin

Backstory: I broke up with my girlfriend and when I shared the news with my mom, she accused me of being a chronic masturbator!

Love goes through a lot of changes and seasons.  Did you once have romantic feelings for her?  To whom do you compare her?  She is a gem, a treasure of a person, albeit not a Christian.

Honestly, and this is hard to write, I saw a stack of your mail at Tom’s when you were on your long trip.  I saw the magazines, and no real woman could ever measure up – nor should they ever have to or be compared to a model, a prostitute, or other woman who has allowed herself to be subjected to the lust of strangers in return for money.  It breaks a woman’s heart to see her man’s head swivel at the image of another woman – an image he likely tucks away in his mind to masturbate about later.

Backstory: My Dad was a Navy Captain and was always out to sea, so Mom got used to writing telegrams.  All her e-mails are one paragraph and include ALL the news fit to print, no matter how diverse the subject.  Her stream-of-consciousness updates always delight me.

Thanks for the stroke material. I was worried too which is why we went straight to emergency yesterday. Dad’s b/p and other responses were good. Did you access Jim’s attachment with all the photos? That place sure does photograph well. The inside, while incredibly charming, needs lots of TLC (e.g. paint, floor refinishing, new appliances). But it really is like a mini-estate. ANd the price is a bargain. I think they paid more plus the new roof but now they have three houses and prefer the latest one. Did you see it? Meanwhile I am laid low with IBS. I started to cook a complicated Chinese meal and then said to hell with it, we’ll have frozen pizza.

Going on major diet tomorrow. Guess what?? Was typing tomorrow and left off the “t” and didn’t get the “m” in and it autocorrected to Oreos!! Woohoo! I am not joking

How’s that boy you were seeing? I can’t remember his name, the one that works at TGYF of Rudy Tuesdays or Applebee’s. I know he likes the red sox tho.

Backstory: My parents’ dog has been really sick and not eating lately, so I emailed Mom to see how he’s doing. Clearly, she is more worried about this dog than she ever was about her human child.

Hadn’t eaten one bite of anything until just now.  I heated up a scrambled egg I’d made for him this morning.  Ate about half of it.  He threw up in the night and then again this morning after our walk.  Dr. N called a while ago.  I’m now to give him Prednisone 2 x a day, back on Pepcid 2 x a day, along with all the other meds.  Also, tomorrow I’m going to Whole Foods to find a special type of Magnesium for him to take.  His Mag is low, which Dr thought was because he wasn’t eating, but it could be low and that’s why he’s not eating.  Chicken and egg???

Chat with you tonight.

Love,
Mom/pill pusher