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Mom: The kindle cover you picked out for Christmas is ugly. I’m buying you a different one.
Me: Why do you care?! It’s not for your own kindle and you’ll never have to even see it.
Mom: It has velcro on it. Seriously? VELCRO.
Me: Mom, it’s the one I want.
Mom: Who cares what you want?
Backstory: I ended up owing the government some money due to filing my taxes wrong. This was my mother’s advice.
Yes, tax debacles can be problematic. Hopefully, if you take a page from Anne of Green Gables, you won’t make that mistake again. Positive imagery. Have a piece of meat (I’m reading your joy of chemistry book. I forgot about it for awhile), you must have a pork chop someplace.
Backstory: At the ripe old age of 24, my Jewish mother is concerned that I will never meet my nice Jewish husband.. Apparently a visit to Barnes & Noble is exactly what I need.
“How to Shop For A Husband” by Janice Leiberman.
I was told that it is a good read. Might be worth having coffee and reading in the store.
Backstory: My parents send out a Christmas card every year with a picture of my sister and me. I thought red lipstick would be cool and festive, but apparently my conservative dad has a problem with it.
Hi, Dad and I would like to send out this photo with our Christmas card this year. Would you be able to work your Photoshop magic on it so your red lips and your sunburn don’t show so much? Let me know! Otherwise we are stumped for a photo this year. Love you doll.
Ma
Be careful walking the streets on your way to the metro. It’ s a fact that protesters in other cities have have pooped and peed on the streets.
So glad to hear that you have dinner plans with friends tonight. You know enough to try to keep busy. But, living alone, one cannot always talk to someone else–on the other hand, you can talk to yourself. I think I do that sometime. Lady used to get up and look at me like “are you talking to me?” and I realized I was talking to myself. Perhaps you need a pet, naah–too much care.
Mom: I am testing something found on the internet
I was going to buy a turkey to have leftovers for the next week or so when I realized I had found two frozen turkeys downstairs when I cleaned out the freezer so I googled how long is a wrapped frozen turkey good for
it said a year
one of the frozen ones was a 22 pound turkey so I brought that up to thaw and saw a sticker on it from Giant
dated
wait for it….
2001
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mom: I thawed it, it doesn’t smell bad so it’s in the oven now
Me: woman, i gradated high school in 2001
Mom: if I die, tell them what I ate
Backstory: my brother sent us all an email with a pic of their new car, which was an upgrade from their old car, which had windows that didn’t roll up. This is a month after they moved from a tiny dump of an apartment to a shiny 2.5-bed apartment. So I replied all with the lyrics to “Movin’ On Up.” And my mom replies all…
Mom: Kate, great poem!!! You are a natural writer, you know that?
Me: aw Ma, I appreciate your faith, but that’s the theme song to the Jeffersons.
Mom: Oh how funny. Well, it’s still good!
Backstory: My mom is getting plastic surgery in a few days and will be on bed rest for two weeks…she thought she would get some early Christmas shopping done and told us to email her with gift ideas… although after our replies, I’m thinking we won’t be getting anything at all.
Mom: Ok Kiddies,
Since I will be laid up for some time starting tomorrow. I’ll have plenty of time to do some online shopping.
How about sending me some ideas for Christmas gifts.
Love ya
Mom
Older Brother:
Kind of scared what gifts we’ll get if you’re shopping in a post-surgery, medicated state :D
Me:
who knows? With all that medication maybe this year I’ll finally get that pony I’ve always wanted…
Younger Brother:
I want to get branded with the Dallas Cowboys logo on my stomach.
Mom:
You are all just too hilarious. Ponys and brandings? Where do you think you all live? The Ponderosa?
