Backstory: A senile grandmother misplaces things… like her keys, her teeth and apparently her underwear.
mom: guess what is missing today…
me: her teeth again?
mom: she has entirely run out of underwear
I checked at Marshalls and Kohls … lacey and bikinis … no Hanes in packages of three
just picture Gram in thong?
me: you just ruined me
mom: [...]

Mom: I found a girl who’s perfect for you!
Me: What makes her so perfect?
Mom: She has brown hair and she drinks
Me: … That’s it? That’s all you think I go for?
Mom: Well that’s all I seem to be able to surmise about your girlfriends from the facebook pictures. Since you don’t TELL me anything else [...]

Mom: Katie, may i see your blog? Gina [my aunt] told me about it. She was knocked out by your fabulous writing? love, mom
Me: Nooooooooo!!!
Mom: really!
Me: Nooooooooooo!!!
NOT ALLOWED!!!!
it’s all lies!!!!
Mom: i think i’ll search for it. why does gina get to see it
Me: because she’s my friend on facebook
you are really not allowed to look [...]

Mom: Your mom is sick. How are you? Today is our anniversary, your dad forgot … as usual
Me: How are you sick? Like a cold or like your kidneys are failing?
Mom: ok smarty I am not that old. I have the sickness a cold.
Me: i know you are not that old but you do get [...]

Backstory: My mom sent out one of those friends test that ask you to put a check next to the things you’ve done.  
 
Mom: AWWWWW!  You made prank calls, skipped school, and went skinny dipping! I’m shooooooooooocked!
Me: Not as shocked as I was to find out that YOU went skinny dipping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom: Heeeheee!

mom: y do i luv hey there delilah so much? i luv it!
me: haha..what are you listening to?
mom: i found the music video on u-tube. i can’t stop watching it. he’s ugly but the song is so sweet & sincere its making me cry WTF?!
me: not only are you a year late but you’re nuts.
mom: [...]

Mom: we are having electric problems,  who knows what is wrong
Me: uh oh
Mom: the toaster works great IN YOUR ROOM
Me: lol
Me: no where else downstairs?
Mom: everything downstairs is 1/2 power
Me: at least now you can have breakfast in bed
Mom: hahahahha   you’re right

Mom: Isn’t camel toe an inappropriate reference
Me: yes
Mom: refering to the genital area?
Me: yes
Me: why?
Mom: OK  I threw a kid out of class for saying it repeatedly
Me: yeah that was a good call

mom: your dad just went to get your brother - should be back any sec - tina fey / office tonight
me: her show is called 30 rock, mom.
…: heh
mom: duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: did you know oprah was guest starring on it tonight?
mom: double duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: just checking
mom: nam
me: …
mom: “not a moron”

Backstory: My mother is Chinese - I think some of these are idioms translated poorly.
Mom: I just can not stand the palin’s big mouth and empty brain.
Me: i know
i’m glad you also think she’s stupid
Mom: If McCain dies, she will be our president? So stupid. Why some people think with their foot?
Me: exactly

me: yes, I can hear you but I can also hear you breathing directly into the mic - LOUD!
mom: but I am not even breathing……!
me: Uhh…….
mom: seriously, I have been holding my breath the entire time

Me: I’m registered to vote!
Mom: Yahoo!  Barack & I can rest easy now
Me: I will be at the polls on the 4th, but I won’t wear any Obama shirts.
Mom: It would be a neat idea if obama supporters could figure out something to wear that is nondescript but would signify unity in a wink [...]

Me: happy halloween.
did you dress up? are you giving the neighborhood kids a ride on your broom?
Mom: no, your dad’s wife borrowed it.
Me: why would she borrow your broom? hers works just fine.
Mom: Hahahaha……  Oh I forget she has the updated  model.

Mom: I figured I would talk to you about it when you came next weekend - are you coming?????????????
Me: umm, 90% sure
Mom: how come you are not out trick or treating?  ask for money . . .

me:  did [cousin] ever get back to you?
mom:  no
me:  do you think she will?
mom:  yeah, i don’t know if she reads her e-mail everyday
me:  that’s true
mom:  i’ll let you know if she does.  Hey, i got my nose hairs waxed today!
me:  oh my god
that sounds so painful
mom:  My nose looks so clean and it feels [...]

Dad:  hi, it’s mom iming for the first time in my life.
me: welcome
….to 2008
Dad: How do you like my beard?
me: excuse me?
what beard????
Dad: The picture, of daddy, can’t you see the beard and it’s me talking?
me: What???????

mom: have you ever had a brazillian wax
aunt sherrie wants to know
me: no lol
mom: lier

Me: So I got kinda drunk last night.
Mom: Oh yea? What did it take you, one or two drinks?
Me: No, I can drink more now that I’m off that medicine.
Mom: Oh so you can drink like a sailor again?
Me: Yea
Mom: Well that’s good

Me: I’m watching the employee screening of High School Musical 3, so be really jealous…
Mom: Slap urself, ur not a high schooler anymore…it’s illegal to look at those kids like that.
Me: I’m not interested in zac efron
Mom: you should be he’s a cutie

Mom: So I finally went a bought a new computer yesterday!
Me: That’s great! What kind?
Mom: I got a Dell laptop. And I also got a wireless mouse.
Me: Oh cool! Wish I had a wireless mouse!
Mom: Yeah, well I need it ’cause I’m going to get a scanner soon.
Me: What? What does a wireless mouse have [...]