Hi sweetie:
Dad had to go to the VA today, because of a pain in his…ahem…groin area, wtih burning sensation that he said was like having hot sauce on him. (interesting way to put it,don’t you think ?).  Anyways, he just called, and he has a rupture, and they are scheduling surgery in the next month [...]

me: good morning! just wanted to tell you i had a dream you went to clown college.
mom: Sometimes nursing school was like clown college. Did I graduate?
me: i swear i think the hospital was sponsoring you! you did.
we all went and saw your final performance.
mom: Well don’t keep me guessing, how was I?

Dana,
Can you check Bobby’s away message and tell him:
1. No drinking during the work week. The wkds are for that, that’s why it’s the wkd, so you don’t go to your employer smelling like booze, hung over, risking you job.
2. Don’t put an away message up that might offend someone. If that girl see’s or [...]

Good news! My colon is as clean as a whistle! Polyp free so no traditional colonoscopy, just the virtual/CT colonography! (o:

Just because your brother is having problems at school does NOT give you permission to have a baby or marry a bum or anything like that to counterbalance it, just so you know.

I have a little bit of a headache this morning.  We decided that the only way to watch the debate was to take shots every time she said maverick or heck or darn or doggone or nucular.

Bee ( no pun intended haha) glad you are not home right now!  The  hornets
have invaded your room, well actually the house but more concentrated in  your
room. Like we probably have killed several dozen! YUCK!
Had a tomato that was just about red enough to be picked and discovered
yesterday that some critter took it off the [...]

OK, what is an idea for your new hubby for his birthday?  I have no good clue – I guess you are all just living too far away.  Is there anything on the Amazon registry that would be appropriate for him?
Does that registry stay “up” after the wedding date?
Give me a clue.
What did you think [...]

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Backstory: we’re going on a family vacation to London and Paris and Virgin sent us the wrong tickets.
I just talked to the village idiots over at Virgin and reminded them that I ain’t no punk.  Anyways, they gave me a tracking number for our package.  Girrrrrrrl, our shiznick is in Charlotte, NC and it’s not [...]

Hey-sorry for the mix up on skype chat! It was funny–I kept hearing what sounded like the cat either farting or throwing up!–but it was the skype sound for a chat coming through on the computer! so fyi–turn the sound down cause it might make a sound when we respond.
love you,
mom

Unfortunately I don’t have your original birth certificate.  Something told me I’d given it to you, and when I found the envelope in your file it had a note that said, “Daughter took original birth certificate on 7/18/04.”  I think you needed it for something when you started work at your new job.  I have [...]

did you watch dancing with teh stars?  how did lance do…who did the worst? fill me in.   we were busy watching the country and our finances collapse!

I can see that you have been outbid on a Lacoste Jacket, and have a bid in for a slim skinny jumper.
My money is not yours, so is it really OK, ask yourself?   You have bought on ebay a teeshirt and jacket (the duck one), which would have fitted the average toddler, so it seems [...]

Me: So Friday I got stung by a bee for the first time ever.
Mom: If I were with you I would have peed on your arm.
Me: …
Me: I think that only works for jelly fish stings.
Mom: Oh
Me: Yeah
Mom: Are u trying to tell me you don’t want me peeing on your arm?

The Wedding videos are great.  Dad enjoyed watching his monolog - he said he didn’t realize he looked so much like Jerry Lewis.
Dad gave the dog a bath - said he didn’t see any fleas, but I used the flea stuff this morning.  The reason the spray didn’t work is because it’s for cats - [...]

Backstory: All three children the e-mail was sent to no longer live at home and are of legal drinking age.
Children,
While cleaning the area under the garage I came across a disney backpack with six or so full bottles of michelob light beer bottles. I have the chilling in the fridge now.
love
mom

SaRAH JUST INFORMED ME I ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. WELL SHE ANNOYS ME TOO! GOOD NIGHT K Dinners ready. Mom

Can you teach me how to use the elliptical over the phone?  I want to get wild and kick up my workout.

This is one of those “Are you ok?” kind of emails. I really felt bad for you yesterday, having to experience the incompetent post office system and most importantly a shortage of underwear! No washing machine and no clean underwear can really send a girl over the edge. I hope by now you are in [...]