Postcards From Yo Momma

Macho Died With Your Father

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:00:01 +0000

Mom: I found a box in the attic full of your Dad’s Fields & Streams magazine collection. They are from 1976 through 1981 and surely are worth something, do you want them? Course some of them are missing pages because he would take these on his fishing trips and would pull pages out to use as toilet paper. He was such a macho man (sigh).
Me: Mom, I don’t even know how to respond to this so I’ll just say no thanks.
Mom: What? I thought his machoness was kinda hot.
Me: Trust me, it’s not and no one say’s “macho” anymore.
Mom: So you’re saying machoness died with your father?
Me: Um, ok, I’ll go with that.

“Sex and Defenders”

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:00:39 +0000

Mom: I’ve been getting into law shows lately.
Me: Which ones?
Mom: Sex and Defenders.
Me: ….what? Is that like some kind of warped Judge Judy?
Mom: No, they investigate sex crimes. And they go to court a lot. There are two separate groups.
Me:…you mean Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?!
Mom: No. Every episode begins with a “dun dun.”
Me: Yeah, that’s Law & Order. Here’s a youtube link of the opening.
Mom: Ok, that’s the one.

Something to Tell the Police

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:00:31 +0000

Have fun at the beach!!! Please keep in touch with me, I’d like to be able to tell the police where to start looking for the body

Blind Date (Just as a Friend)

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 13:46:57 +0000

Dont call me crazy but a met a hispanic pastor that is 28 and I like y to met him when y come to SA I like y to has a blind date just as a friend I like his spirit is in the right place Think about it Im going to Austin on Friday to a church during the day can we have lunch or a coffee?

So It’s Not the Phone?

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:00:15 +0000

Backstory: My mother calls. I have no voice, so I ignore the call and text her back. She responds by text.

Me: Can’t talk, I have no voice. I’m sick.
Mom: Don’t you have another phone?
Me: It doesn’t matter, I can’t talk. I don’t have a voice.
Mom: so why don’t you talk on your other phone.
Me: because I have no voice.
Mom: why is that phone broken too?
Me: the phones are fine, I just don’t have a voice. I can’t talk. I’m sick.
Mom: so it’s not the phone.
Me: no. I’m sick, I have no voice.
Mom: oh. hope your fever gets better.

Old Dog Blues

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 18:19:37 +0000

Backstory: Our 14 year old beagle Snickers is nearly blind, deaf, incontinent, and has a slew of age and anxiety related disorders…this email came along with a creepy pic of Snicky staring off into space, looking like she’s thinking about eating your head.

Here’s a pic of Snicky at the Vet for consult to change all her Meds. The long staring into space like we know her to exhibit are related to decreased cognitive function they say… Or as papa george Says: She Has. The HAMMER.
Snickers would say hi if she could remember who you were!
Love you girls
Mom

Urgent New Guy Questions

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 14:18:10 +0000

Is he nice do you like him what does he do do you have a lot in common do you share mutual friends does he text you is he cute

Million Dollar Idea

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 15:00:24 +0000

We have been saying “people suck” about people in general as you can appreciate. So how would we go about making tshirts that say that on the front and on the back we could just list all the things that have made the news that forced us into saying this. Any info will be helpful. Thanks mom

At Least She Remembered to Wave

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 15:00:45 +0000

Mom: Passed you by the mall, i was driving hearse but i did wave

How to Make a Match

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 14:22:34 +0000

Hi honey,

1. Do you have the first Barefoot Contessa Cookbook?

2. If a guy from Match wants to talk to me, do I give him my cell phone number or land line? Or what?

Love you!
Mom

Airbrushed Makeup with Brian Champagne

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:00:32 +0000

Laurie and I are going to get airbrushed makeup for the wedding and we are having a trial run on Aug 2nd here in Houston with my facial man Brian Champagne (yes his real name). Would you be interesting joining us?
I think it could be really fun.
Let me know
Love Mom

Goiters and Such

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 15:00:06 +0000

Hi children – Some good news, and sorry to say some bad news: Grandma from Florida had more stents today. I was told everything went well. Aunt Rhoda is going to a doctor today to have her nodules checked on her goiter. Your cousin Justine was put in a mental hospital. I just heard she had a nervous breakdown because Dave told her he doesn’t love her any more, and he has another girlfriend. She was begging him to take her back. Grandpa Morty probably has to go to a nursing home because he keeps falling.
Love you both.
Mom

How Twitter Works

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:10:50 +0000

Mom: Oh..so could I follow Lady Gaga on Twitter?
Me: Yes
Mom: Will she follow me?

The Meaning of Gray Hair

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 13:09:07 +0000

me: i just found my first gray hair

mom: really

me: [sent pic text to mom]

mom: oh oh! should start family soon

The Septic Tank Saga (Ft. Josh Groban)

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 15:00:02 +0000

So..there I was.
It was a long and stressful day. The basement flooded, the dumpster arrived this morning and its 3/4 full, there is still water in the basement even though we have 2 sump pumps going. Little did I know the main sump pump directed the water into the septic tank. The septic tank became full of basement water. Full to the brim. Called Fred’s..my very favorite people..and they came and emptied the septic tank thank god before shit started backing up into the basement. I never ever thought I would be happy to see Fred’s. Major crisis averted. Repeat…MAJOR CRISIS AVERTED.
Dad is exhausted. Did I mention it was in the high 80’s with a dew point hovering around 75?? Sauna weather. There is basement water and crud tracked all over the kitchen and the basement stairs. It looks like a disaster area and smells kinda funky.
So…I wondered. Should I head for the pharmaceuticals or possibly the moonshine…or should I try to transport myself to a state of calmness with music. I’ll give it a shot. I decided to listen to some relaxing music in a feeble attempt to decompress from the past couple days, possibly avoid a migraine in the works, basically wind down. First a little Mozart. Nice. Then I grabbed a random cd and it was Jose Carreras. Very nice, but a little too emotional and powerful. Hmmmm….as I looked through my “relaxing” music I found something I hadn’t listened to for a while. Wow..perfect…I haven’t listened to Josh Groban for ages. I excitedly put Josh in my handy little boom box and it was like magic. Josh did the trick. I had forgotten what a beautiful version of “Vincent” he does, and also that he does a lovely duet with Charlotte Church at the end of the cd. As I was listening to the blending of their two beautiful voices, I was thinking to myself, this is fabulous, it worked. Perfect. I feel so much better, so relaxed. Thank you Josh. Ahhhhh. I was sad to think the cd was over, and I should play it again.
But wait.
There’s more.
This was a burned cd. I think Kristin burned it for me years ago, before I became savvy enough to actually burn a cd all by myself. There was a hidden track. One I had forgotten about.
It was Vincent.
Cleverly and enthusiastically sung by Me First and the Gimme Gimme’s.
Time to start over….with a shot of moonshine followed by the original purchased cd.
Just thought I would share.
xoxo
Mom
ps….it was really really funny :-)

There’s an App for THAT?!

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 17:01:17 +0000

Backstory: Mom was trying to learn how to use her new Droid.

Did you know that people are doing sex on their apps?

Camel Toe Explained

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:12:42 +0000

Mom: I asked Dad what camel toe was and he explained it to me. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT AT THE DINNER TABLE!

Me: Mom, I told you what it meant and you laughed.

Mom: YES, BUT I DIDN’T GET IT! I just didn’t want to look stupid!

I Die.

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 16:00:19 +0000

OMG - I was just watching a repeat of the Rachel Zoe Project and they were showing the highlight of Paris fashion and the platform high heels like your hooker shoes are sooooo in! I die – isn’t it bananas? Can’t wait to see what’s up with Taylor this sason – Love, Mom

That’s How Bad This Haircut Is.

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 14:00:29 +0000

Backstory: My mom ALWAYS goes to Supercuts. She thinks it’s a waste of money to go to a salon. Yet, she complains every time about her haircuts.

PS I got a haircut today and I look like a little boy– with wrinkles. She said, “I guess it’s a little shorter than you wanted, huh?” I’m meeting people for lunch tomorrow and I might need to wear my wig–that’s how bad it is! I may have to use the men’s locker room tomorrow. That’s how bad it is. I now have 3 bald spots. That’s how bad it is.

The Tao of Mom’s Booty

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 15:00:37 +0000

Me: Tell him to feel better. I love and appreciate you. Am I cute?
Mom: On occasion. Am I hot and is my butt big?
Me: You are hot because your butt is big.
Mom: I have a brick boohang.