Postcards From Yo Momma

I Pick Option 5

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 17:30:24 +0000

Okay. I sent you 2 texts, called once and e-mailed you this AM. Please write to tell me if you are 1) Okay, but not feeling like writing 2) Phone is dead 3) In the bathroom 4)Upset at me or 5) Drowning in chocolate pudding.

Friend With Benefits

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 15:30:36 +0000

Dear L:

I need you to treat me with more respect. Instead of treating me as your mother, please treat me as you would a friend with benefits.

-Mom

Your New Address

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 13:30:47 +0000

Mom: Don’t forget to give your sister your new email address
Me: what new address?
Mom: well since you moved and changed your phone number that changes too right?
Me: *silence*
Mom: oh never mind!

How Cousin J Broke His Penis

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 15:32:41 +0000

me: we were talking about crazy families today so of course ours came up…
me: i said how [my cousin] J broke his penis.. he broke it having sex, correct?
mom: do not know…but I assume so
mom: I did not get specifics…thank god!
mom: he has a bit of a drinking problem…perhaps he missed his aim
me: hahahaha mom!
mom: I’m just saying…..

Smoking and Drinking

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 17:30:52 +0000

Me: Hey Mom! How was your birthday?
Mom: It was wonderful! We smoked and drank ALLL weekend!
Me: Umm …really? You smoked and drank all weeekend?
Mom: Yep! We made a pitcher of margarita’s and smoked a turkey and a brisket and even some sausage!!

That’s What She Said

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:30:01 +0000

“That’s What She Said.” Went completely over my head, because it’s something from “The Office.” Can you explain it to your mother?

Beware the Unlabeled Travel Size Bottle

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 20:06:47 +0000

Backstory: I had left an unlabeled plastic travel size bottle at her house filled with a self heating clay facial cleanser.

Hi Honey, it’s your mom.

I hope you don’t mind but I used some of the conditioner you left here after your last visit. It made my scalp get really hot, and totally dried out my hair. Strange. Well, I love you. Call me.

The Politics of the Ballet Recital

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:05:04 +0000

Backstory: Since this is my mother’s first grandchild, she’s still getting used to the idea of parenting as a spectator’s sport.

Me: Here is a copy of the program for A’s ballet recital. I don’t have many addresses here at work so please forward this on to M and K for me.

Mom: Is A only in the Butterfly one?

Me: If you are referring to performance 19 of 26 you would be correct… Make sure to go to the bathroom and eat something before we go.

Mom: So, what you are trying to say is that we have to make nice and sit through every tap dancin’, glitter-spewing, fall down balling, pageant on crack event until we finally get to some real talent. Grand… Oh, and since K’s ex-wife’s daughter’s chubby little tinkerbell is in A’s class, I may have to hold off on that invite.

What’s Coffee Without Cream Like?

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:01:39 +0000

I’m trying to do coffee w/out cream & artificial sweetner and it’s like toast w/out butter or sex w/out penis…

We Were Definitely Stupid

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 18:30:33 +0000

Hi honey!

Thought you might like to see this pix. The person who took it had to have her head examined. Wow it’s incredible! I thought it might give you thoughts of home. When I lived in western Kansas, we always jumped in our cars and pickups and chased tornadoes.

We were definitely stupid.

Love you lots, Mom

Seriously, Gary

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:30:48 +0000

Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.

Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form. It looks like scabs all over the top of my head! I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on…. happy I packed it my sat-chill. I had no idea it was so noticeable. Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree. I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair. It looks permanent!

In Case of Craigslist Murder

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:30:11 +0000

I’m going to pick up a clay cooker from a guy on Craig’s list. Dad was going to come with me; however, he isn’t feeling well so I’ll probably go alone. I’ve done it before but in case the guy, Russ, (details left on desk by the kitchen phone) hacks up my body and feeds me to the ducks, I want you to know that I love you very much. And if it comes to trial, I think Dad should get the $15 back that I’m paying for the clay pot.

Today in Mom News: Not Realizing You’re Preggo

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:30:10 +0000

One of my favorite guilty pleasures on TLC is I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. For those of you not familiar with the show, it’s pretty self-explanatory–it’s a reality show about ladies who did not realize they were preggo until they’re giving birth in the toilet at work or whatever. The New York Times’ Lisa Belkin points us to the latest “surprised mom,” Kentucky native Kelly Bottom. We want to hear your own urban legends: Do you know any “surprised moms” personally or were you one yourself? Are you also a fan of crazybananas reality shows? We want to hear from you in the comments!

Planning for a Barista-in-Law

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:05:28 +0000

Mom: I think the guy at starbucks likes you.

Me: Ew. We call him Jethro – cause he’s dumb.

Mom: I can’t listen to you say mean things. Don’t call him Jethro – he’s cute.

Me: He’s on drugs.

Mom: Well, I don’t want you mixed up with someone on drugs.

Me: But you want me mixed up with a barista!? Do you want me to have to bring your grandchildren to live with you after my barista/drug dealer husband leaves us????

Happy… Birthday?

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:05:50 +0000

Hope you are having a great day. I don’t remember having such a great day about this time 27 years ago! (My exact quote: “Give me drugs, I don’t care if she is brain damaged for life.”) But I love you anyway. I’ll call this evening. Love, Mom

Where the Heck is Click?

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:30:24 +0000

Opened your list as a word doc. It say to press control+click … where the heck is click? I have been racking my brains trying to figure out how to view a couple items. I tried control+every key and nothing. HELP!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention I need… HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Love you

The Case of the Deodorant Thief

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:30:10 +0000

Backstory: The thing is, I really did steal my mom’s deodorant.

Did you steal my deodorant????????? If so where is it??????GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR! MOM

Ok, no one will be in trouble, I will not be angry at all if you just tell me where it is.

he will RUIN this!

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:30:42 +0000

i LOVE this!!!! steam with hot water tonight when you get home, over a pot with a towel on your head. try not to eat ANY sugar this week. it is the absolute worst for your skin, and cool the caffeine and NO chocolate. call allie and find out what that stuff is she has and worse comes to worse buy the over the counter persigel. you will be fine. play up your eyes and juicy lips. yayyyyyyy. fuck billy, i mean it. do NOT speak to him ANY MORE. he will RUIN this. xo mommy

Red Carpet Commentary

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:30:55 +0000

Mom: So what do you make of clooneys date?
Me: I haven’t looked yet…
Mom: In an interview he said she didn’t speak english.
Me: What?! That’s weird!
Mom: No honey………… that’s beard! Lol… snort!

Radical Mom

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:05:14 +0000

Backstory: There was recently a protest at my school were 16 kids got arrested for throwing snowballs at cops, so I told my mom about how exciting it was to have riots and such on campus.

Your aunt Linda participated in a lot of riots in the ’60’s. UWM sounds like maybe they’re over-reacting but I wasn’t there. I think they should call the wambulance. That Chancellor makes a ton of $$$$$$$. Just like all teachers he’s whinning about having his salary reduced when he’s making way too much anyway. I need to come down and riot with them.
Love and kisses, radical MOM