Postcards From Yo Momma

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jess — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 16:30:03 +0000

Backstory: This is my mother’s response to a paper I wrote for work on investing in China.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are such a professional!! And I read your cooperative education evaluation today while I was waiting for NaNCY IN mARBLEHEAD WITH YOUR CAR. mOMMY

Father’s Day Casino

jess — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 14:30:30 +0000

Mom: We’re booked for Father’s Day lunch at noon. Leaving for casino by 11:30. Love you !
Me: oky doky! I’ll have to remember to bring my ID. Last time the wouldn’t let me in!
Mom: I remember that ! I wish someone would ask me !! Of course I’d haave to have a bag on my head!

Older Men

jess — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 19:00:53 +0000

This is just a word to the wise and I am sending this so you can read this at your leisure. I need you to be careful as well of older men because they look wiser and all but they are sneaky too. How old do you think your dad was?? heh heh 13 years older than me. But anyway he knows you and **** and he has heard your situation. Sometimes men are just waiting on the sidelines for you without letting you know they want you too. And always protect yourself when you :-O because you never know.

Love ya

Mom

I don’t want to have to add him to my list of people I have to beat up for you.

Remember To Brush These Areas

jess — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 17:00:03 +0000

A commercial of a new toothbrush by Crest that has a tonge cleaner and it says that 80% of bacteria are on the tongue, gums, and mouth. That mean only 20% are on the teeth.

Remember to brush these areas as well. And rinse brush afterwards because water is a great cleanser of bacteria and the removal of sweeteners in the toothpaste.

Bye for Now.

Love,

Mom

It’s Fishy

jess — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 17:45:26 +0000

Mom: FYI, Women of childbearing age should only eat Lake Erie fish once a
week or month (I forget which). Pregnant women - more stringent. Maybe not at all, I forget that too. We had Lake perch last week and then I saw the warning in the paper
Me: Does that include women of childbearing age who are not having children
at the moment?
Mom: YES. Just in case. Perhaps it stays in your body and will farm your
future embryos.

Tru Dat

jess — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:45:44 +0000

Mom: my bad, as they say.
Me: Tru dat, as they say.
Mom: That’s how I roll….I’m a ding dong.

Handsomest Boy In School

jess — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:00:02 +0000

Sounds to me like your performance review should be GREAT, but of course, I’m the mom and you’re the handsomest boy in school. Let me know what’s going on…just as an FYI today is my last day at work until 7/21, so don’t e-mail me here after today, OK.

Carnal Love For Windows Vista

jess — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:00:01 +0000

Hi Sweetie,

If you ask me real nice, I might let you caress the keyboard of my computer. It is sweet and fast. Ahh……..I love Windows Vista. I figured out your father’s password and gave him an icon on the desk top. I wouldn’t have done this but the other computer started flashing like a strobe light.

Mom

Wee Wee And Dead Bodies

jess — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:06:00 +0000

How was your trip? Did you catch any fish?

Dad and I walked the dam this morning and looked for dead bodies! A couple is missing off of their boat in Lake Murray since Saturday and there was a plane flying over searching. Then Dad and I saw a group of buzzards on the rocks and we looked over but didn’t see anything, thank goodness!!

I think I sat in wee-wee yesterday at the library! I sat in a chair to read a magazine and when I got up my pants felt totally wet down to the underwear. I looked in the seat and it had a wet spot. I just about flew home and washed everything. EWWWWWW!

Nothing else new. Dad and I are still working on the kitchen. Don’t know what it will look like when we finish but it will be clean.

Love, M

Bon Jovi Is Gonna Be Huge

jess — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:00:20 +0000

bon jovi is at the grand army plaza next weekend. gonna be huge. do-able for me and dad, do you think? ask your husband if he’s up for it. you don’t have to come.

mom

ps: don’t forget to make me an accupuncture appointment.

Namaste?

jess — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:00:53 +0000

Hi,

I was so glad you weren’t with me at yoga last night. The woman next to me kept burping really, really loud. I held it together with an occasional giggle. If you’d been next to me we would have looked at each other and lost it. Really hard to focus on your breathing with all of that loud burping.

Veeeeerrrrrrrrry magical!!!!!

jess — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:38:52 +0000

Backstory: my sister got a new email address and notified the family of the change. This was my mom’s response

Is this in connection with your home computer? I do need my shampoo out of my shower, AVEDA, as I cannot buy it up here. Just the regular stuff not the purple. Hey!!!! How do I do the underline for your new address. When I try to underline it, the whole thing disappears!!! Veeeeerrrrrrrrry magical!!!!! Hugs! Mom

…Old Is Old

jess — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:00:33 +0000

Backstory: I am turning 26 in a few weeks and am not excited about it. Thinking of staying 25 for another year.

Your life has just begun…..But 57 for me needs to stick around for a least 6 years. By that time it doesn’t matter if your 57 or 107… old is old.

I was just really kind of shocked.

jess — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 16:00:48 +0000

I saw this show called The L-Word on Showtime last night. OMG This girl strapped this leather thing with a big purple ____ on another girl and they were going at it. You couldn’t see anything really because of a pillow, but OMG I’ve never seen anything like that before even in the movies. Other than that it was a very good show - Marlee Matlin, Cybil Shephard, Jennifer Beal. I was just really kind of shocked. But at least that answered my question that you never would answer.

Love you,
Mom

Noted A Few Typos

jess — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:00:57 +0000

Loved your blog. Laughed hysterically. Keep it up.!

Noted a few typos, though. It is hard to edit your own stuff. If you would like me to take a quick look at future entries, you could send me a draft, though I know you have plenty of editor/writer friends who would be happy to do it for you, and perhaps do a better job.

Love,

Mommy

A Brave New World Of Thingies

jess — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:00:55 +0000

HI!
I remembered I hadn’t said thank you for the wireless connection thingy that you also sent. Dad is very excited by that. Apparently we can also use it with the IPOD thingy too but we definitely haven’t figured that out at all!

Once again thanks for bringing us in to this brave new world!

Love you guys.
Mom

If you get too busy to call, just call

jess — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:00:39 +0000

I know you get busy sometimes and don’t have time to call and check in with me on your way home and things are so busy when you get home with getting dinner and everything. Don’t worry about it if you can’t check in, just give me a call and let me know.

Cleaning Out The Closet

jess — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:00:35 +0000

Me: I was sorting through my closet today and I thought it’s kind of funny that I have “vacation clothes” and “date clothes” when I neither date nor vacation.
Mom: Really??? Do you have “work clothes” and “gym clothes” in there too??? HA HAHHA HA HAHA AHAH A.
Me: Not funny
Mom: Sorry, I couldn’t resist

Hope It’s Not Something Kinky

jess — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:30:40 +0000

Backstory: I sent my dear, sweet Mumsi the link to your website and ever since she has been signing her emails “LOL Mom”. I wasn’t quite sure she understood what it meant, so I asked her…

I got the LOL from that website about Moms’ emails - some of the Moms used it to sign off - it means Lots of Love of course, what else COULD it mean?? - hope it’s not something kinky as I don’t do kinky - have been racking my brain to think of something off-color that it could mean and just can’t come up with anything!!

If LOL is off limits for signing off, I might adopt your xxoo - it’s a nice one - love is nice too but gets boring to just put “love” all the time - variety is good, right? So, bye for now … xxoo Mom

I am crazy, its true.

jess — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 16:30:39 +0000

Hi there Missy,

How are you today? We’re having James and Nancy over tonight, and of course, I couldn’t rest thinking of all the stuff I wanted to get done - so I didn’t get to sleep till after midnight and I’ve been up since 5:00. I am crazy, its true. But I got the vacuuming done this am., cleaned the downstairs bathroom, folded one load of laundry,unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned carton of strawberries (which I promptly dumped all over the kitchen floor- gads!) and misc. odds and ends. Now I just have to cook when I get home, and I can handle that, I think. I’m getting my allergy shots today, I just hate them, they hurt and my arms swell. Oh well, I am a big baby.

Love,
mom