Postcards From Yo Momma

Lottery Disappointment

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 15:00:57 +0000

Mom: Did you check our WINNING TICKET NUMBERS?
Me: Yes, we are not winners. Three people won in Illinois, Kansas and Canada. :(
Mom: O i did not know more than one would win but i cant believe it was not us.. I think its cuz i broke my hand mirror last nite& ruined our luck. :( I was going to save the world and have fun

Facebook Is For Learning

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 15:00:38 +0000

Mom: What is q-u-e-e-f? Queef?
Me: Why are you asking?
Mom: Well there is a picture of a gymnast with her legs spread and it says “queef”.\
Me: Well… [insert definition here].
Mom: Oh my god. Why would anyone do that? How could anyone do that? Do you want the picture? It’s a bumper on facebook?

The Dogs Are Catholic

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:00:37 +0000

Mom: I hope you didn’t eat any meat on Good Friday. We gave the dogs a vegetarian dinner but the cats had meat as usual because they are Protestants.

Why Are You Giving Me Smiley Testicles?

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:00:09 +0000

Mum: I miss you already! Im not weeping honest! Good luck this aft and if u get time email me the details cos im nosy. Love you precious one mx

Me: Haha, aww. Don’t worry, i’ll find the time somehow. Love you! <3 xxx

Mum: Can i just ask…….whats the smiley testicle thing???? Mx

Me: …what.

Mum: <3 ?

Me: IT’S A HEART! wtf mother

How to Impress Celebrities

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:00:12 +0000

Backstory: My husband and I were at an event that involved meeting Richard Dawkins. I was pretty nervous about it, so this is how my mom…helped?

I just now drank a bottle of 5-Hour Energy. I feel pretty good!

Don’t fart in front of Richard Dawkins tonight!!!!

More importantly, don’t let DAN fart. Dan would just DIE.

Stop Beastin’, Yo

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 15:00:57 +0000

me: I’m so nervous
what if everything I’m doing is exactly wrong!
mom: A, you’re “beastin”…
isn’t that what L [my sister] says?
me: you are NOT allowed to use that word
mom: beasting with a “g” ?
then?

Jesus Does Not Approve of Melted Bunnies

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 15:00:13 +0000

Backstory: I was giving my mother the play by play on my successful interview for a barista job. This was her response to how I described my latte art.

Mom: A melted bunny? You are melting bunnies now, you heathen?
Me: and they took the time to interview me..
Me: Yes, mother. I am a bunny melting heathen. That’s your daughter.
Mom: oh Christ. and Easter just around the corner…

Your Daily Dose of Total Gibberish

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 15:00:44 +0000

Backstory: My Mum often send me gibberish via text when she’s bored. Sometimes I indulge her but often I’m busy and can’t. There are many more texts from my Mum just like this.

Mum: yo booboo
Me: What?
Mum: yo hubbly bubbly
Me: What the actual fuck?
Mum: hahahohoheheyoyo
Me: Get away
Mum: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhaaaaaaane hearties
Me: No.
Mum: ooh mama says yessssssssss
Me: YOU SHALL NOT PASS.
Mum: i will i know the secret door
Me: I’m ignoring you now.
Mum: at ur peril

Part of Your Inheritance

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 15:00:49 +0000

Backstory: I bought my Mum a pen with Moomins on it as part of her birthday present. I received this text the next day with no context. Took me a minute to work out what she was talking about!

You will find this pen when I am dead amongst my treasures. Look hard in all the boxes. x x x

Greek Boyfriends for All

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:00:50 +0000

Backstory: I’m studying abroad in Greece this spring. My sister, S, and her best friend, C, are very excited to visit me.

I g-chatted with S and she said C is saving her $$ and has bought Lonely Planet and is spazzing; she wants to come when her term ends in April; so S is now thinking she’ll go too and you guys are all three going to hit the town and find you a Greek bf.

Dad & I are supposed to join you a bit later, like, give the three of you about five days — is that going to be enough time to find a bf? I told her you’ll totally hook up and surprise us when we arrive with your very own Niko with the moped.

so there you have it

Google was Already Taken, I Guess.

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:00:14 +0000

Backstory: My mom started a beautification committe in the west end of her town (West End Beautification), and since then I have become her de facto administrative assistant. Every day I get a new email or text with a request like this.

I want to get a website. Please check the availability of the domain name www.web.com. Thanks. Mom.

St. Patrick’s Day Mishaps

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 15:00:19 +0000

Good Morning-So beautiful out. Nice weekend to go to Virginia. How was AC? Did you ever get those forms for getting donations? Patrick chipped his tooth in Boston from an IRISH BOMB? $350.00 Later. I had to get a root canal. Well have a great time with your cousins in Virginia.

Love you

MOM

Demanding Truth in Advertising

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 15:00:09 +0000

Mom: Oh, I need to change the channel. That awful Hardee’s commercial is on.
Me: Is that the one with the girl eating the hamburger?
Mom: She’s having an orgasm while she eats the hamburger. I should march over to them and tell them all right, can you make this happen to me?

I’m Concerned About the Health of Your Hoo-Hoo

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 15:00:26 +0000

So, I’m watching the show “The Doctors” and learned that I am not alone, there are other women who have hairy nipples! Just an FYI, if your partner has a cold, sore throat, etc. your Hoo-Hoo can catch it if he pays a visit down there. I can’t stop laughing, true, but so funny!

I’ve Moved on from Snooki

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 15:00:31 +0000

Backstory: My mom and I both love Jersey Shore and Snooki, and my mom has told me that she prays for the cast to change their ways.

Me: Did you hear the rumor that Snooki is pregnant!?!
Mom: No, I haven’t heard. All my friends who know Snooki have moved on. Love, Mom

Don’t Worry, I Told Your Ex You’re on Weight Watchers Now

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:00:23 +0000

Backstory: My mother recently ran into a guy I dated briefly……

Mom: I saw Fred last night. He’s doing well. I told him you’re doing great. And that you’re on Weight Watchers now.
Me: You told him THAT????
Mom:……yeah….was that bad?

Daily Death Update

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 16:00:13 +0000

Backstory: My Mother loves to e-mail my work address with instructions on what to do when she dies. This one was just in the subject bar – nothing in the body of the e-mail.

Subject: no obit for me-please-save the $

Fashion Police, Officer Mom

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 16:00:59 +0000

Backstory: My mom and I were discussing the dresses from Oscar night. Her reaction to my pick for worst-dressed.

That has to be the ugliest dress I have ever seen, hands down. If you ever come near me wearing something like that I will pretend you are not related to me.

-your loving mom who has her limits

Drop It Like It’s Hot

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 16:00:39 +0000

Since you are the expert in utilizing the web sight I am going to ask how I can download the exercise music that I heard are the best.

They are;

Push it (salt & pepper)

Drop it like it’s hot (snoop dog)

Umbrella (Rihanna)

The heat is on (Glen Frey)- I remember this

one from 80′s

I plan to get a exercise tape well maybe yoga and start working in a fun and not so boring music.

Can you check and let me know?

Thanks. Love, mom

God Knows Where to Meet Men

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 16:00:44 +0000

Backstory: I was telling my mom about how I broke up with the guy I was dating the day before Valentine’s Day.

Mom: So are you still going to vday dinner with him?
Me: No, of course not.
Mom: Well, then you can go to church.
Me: What? So I’m not alone on vday?
Mom: No, to meet men. There are plenty of nice men at church. Or your local synagogue.
Me: Oh god. What about my local mosque?
Mom: No. I can’t picture you in a burqa.