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Mom: So when we come to Sydney can we stay at yours?
Me: Oh. Sure. Well, actually there are a number of awesome hotels just a two minute walk from my house. I’ve just emailed you a bunch of links. Have a look! Am happy to book any of them for you. But, yeah, of course you are welcome to stay at mine, if you really want to.
Mom: You were welcome to stay in my uterus for nine months, and then my house for 17 years. But I understand, a week at your apartment might be a bit … much. :)
Me: Don’t you passive-aggressive-smile-face-ME, woman.
Mom: Fuck off. Love you – M.
Mom: How do I unfriend on Facebook?
Me: What, you only have like 8 friends, who do you want to get rid of.
Mom: That’s really none of your business, and I have 40 friends thank you very much.
Me: That’s right, Dad has 8 heheh
Mom: Not for long!
Surprise, I am writing you an email.
I NEED HELP AND SOON, BEFORE I STARVE TO DEATH !!!!
I am guessing that you are wondering how come I’m doing this — it’s just because I am locked into my computer room and cannot get out. I was trying to put a door knob on the door and got started, but the thing went completely closed as I was trying to see if it was going to fit — and now here I am having to stoop so low as to write an email to you to see if you could call someone to come get me out. My phones, of course, are all in the other room. I thought that perhaps you could call Beverly and have her and Howie come over and get me out. If you happen to have Tami’s number then call her.
Anyhow, can you get me out of here. I guess I’ll just play games on the computer until someone lets me out of here. Send me an email to let me know you are doing this for me.
Friday I’m doing something fun as well. Joan and I are starting a club called The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club. Our mascot is Gert Boyle (One Tough Mother) from Columbia Wear. Your stepfather is making fun of us but I think he’s just petty and jealous. I finally told him to shut up. That’s what GAW do when they are confronted with negativity. One of our field trips is going to be on a Saturday and we’re going to find those Red Hat Ladies and shove them down. They’re ridiculous and need to be eliminated.
I bought some baby clothes for you today.
I know you aren’t pregnant, but I thought that maybe if I bought the clothes it would work in reverse…like I could will you to get knocked up.
Are you knocked up? Tell that husband of yours to get busy. I want you two sexing it up like rabbits.
PS: Your father is getting a vasectomy.
Mom: hey chickie
Mom: made meatballs.
what more can a poor working girl want
than her mama’s company
Me: did you just call me a prostitute?
Mom: no, those are skanky working girls, with a tramp stamp
you have a stamp, but not in the trampy spot
Me: oh man alive.
Mom: but don’t want to see you and j cupcaking
Me: what does that even mean?
Mom: and i am your peep
you should check your vitals
and dont talk smack about kathy
obvi you are the bomb
and ridonkulous beyond sick for shizzle tight and wack to boot
a total nutter, and snogging your boo with a totes badonkadong
I been reading the aarp magazine
how many of those do you know?
Me: like- the old people magazine?
Me: You are scary.
Mom: bet i made your day huh
we aarp’ers are right up on it
Mom: so what thinks you my baby girl
am i cool or what?
Backstory: My mom was a kindergarten teacher in a bad part of town.
Mom: It was a rough neighborhood. The kind of place where the men would come to the playground and let their snakes out of their bags.
Me: Ew! Mom that’s so gross.
Mom: I know. I hate snakes.
Me: Wait, that was a euphemism for something right?
Mom: No! They had real snakes! We had to go check the playground before recess to make sure they weren’t slithering around by the swings or anything.
Backstory: My parents are getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, and word has gotten back to a certain Great-Aunt who has always had a fondness for sending us Bibles and other unsolicited Christian literature. Up to this point, my mom tactfully stays quiet about the religious stuff, but she gets kinda fierce when anyone tries to tell her how to handle the end of her marriage.
For Christmas, your great-Aunt F sent me a postcard wishing me success in the reconciliation of my marriage.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, she sent me a DVD about saving my marriage the Christian way. She said “Even though I am a Christian, I’m not trying to convert you. I accept that you are not a Christian, but I hope you’ll find this helpful.”
I’m gonna write her back- “Even though I am a sinner, I’m not trying to convert you. I accept that you’re not a sinner, but I hope you’ll find this helpful.”
The note will be attached to a vibrator.
Mom: SORRY i WAS VACUMING THE KEYBOARD
Me: I was sorting through my closet today and I thought it’s kind of funny that I have “vacation clothes” and “date clothes” when I neither date nor vacation.
Mom: Really??? Do you have “work clothes” and “gym clothes” in there too??? HA HAHHA HA HAHA AHAH A.
Me: Not funny
Mom: Sorry, I couldn’t resist :)
Me: I don’t know what to get my husband for his birthday
Mom: Well, I don’t know if the standards are higher in New York, but in Oakridge, a 6-pack and a blowjob would do. That’s all men around here want.
Airports are the best places to kidnap someone. Be watchful. Stay together. Buddy system. If you are kidnapped, speak french… no one wants them!
Mom: Your dad and I were watching the SNL thing and were confused, what is a MILF?
Me: Seriously? You don’t know?
Mom: No. We were so confused at that part.
Me: It means Mother I’d Like To “F”
Mom: Gross. What?! Who would do that to a mother?!
Me: I don’t know, obviously you aren’t a MILF.
Mom: Obviously. I’m just a MILM. A Mother I’d Like to have as a Mother.
Backstory: Two nights before my wedding mom thinks we need to have “the talk”.
I just want to let you know that if you have any, you know, QUESTIONS, you can ask me anything. Your father isn’t the best lover in the world, so I also know a lot about toys. Let’s get dinner tonight.
Mom: Can’t get the scanner to scan a photo. What am I doing wrong?
Me: it’s too complicated. put photo in and try to hit scan button
Mom: Did – doesn’t do anything. I’ll just mail the photo to your aunt. It’s a pic of our parents graves. She has difficulty accepting that they are dead.
Me: That’s pretty harsh, lady. I’m not gonna open mail from YOU anytime soon!!!
Mom: Maybe I’ll put it in a card.