Highest Rated Posts (last 183 days)
Good Luck with Your Mutant Ear
Backstory: I got an ear infection while scuba diving in Thailand because I got a small piece of seaweed lodged in my ear.
hi honey-
sorry to hear about your ear. i saw a movie on the sci-fi channel about that once. he turned into a swamp thing. good luck with that.
love-
mom
Patience Is a Virtue
Backstory: I got impatient while trying to give my mom computer support.
I learned all by myself. Yea me. It’s a good thing I had more patience that you do, you might still not be potty-trained.
You’re the Best Adult Vomiter I Know
Kiddie barf, though, is what got me over my fear of seeing people vomiting. Kids are so easy to deal with and they make very little noise, too. You’re the best adult vomiter I know, even now. I guess it was the noise that made me vomit-phobic to begin with. From the time you projectile vomited across your crib and onto the wall until the time you had your gall bladder out, you were, and are, a gentle, soft-spoken retcher.
If I Die, Tell Them What I Ate
Mom: I am testing something found on the internet
I was going to buy a turkey to have leftovers for the next week or so when I realized I had found two frozen turkeys downstairs when I cleaned out the freezer so I googled how long is a wrapped frozen turkey good for
it said a year
one of the frozen ones was a 22 pound turkey so I brought that up to thaw and saw a sticker on it from Giant
dated
wait for it….
2001
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mom: I thawed it, it doesn’t smell bad so it’s in the oven now
Me: woman, i gradated high school in 2001
Mom: if I die, tell them what I ate
The Dogs Are Catholic
Mom: I hope you didn’t eat any meat on Good Friday. We gave the dogs a vegetarian dinner but the cats had meat as usual because they are Protestants.
Who Cares What You Want for Christmas?
Mom: The kindle cover you picked out for Christmas is ugly. I’m buying you a different one.
Me: Why do you care?! It’s not for your own kindle and you’ll never have to even see it.
Mom: It has velcro on it. Seriously? VELCRO.
Me: Mom, it’s the one I want.
Mom: Who cares what you want?
Threatening Christmas Lunch
Change of date. Please note is now at 2 pm on Friday 23 December.
See you there or you are fucked.
Movin’ On Up
Backstory: my brother sent us all an email with a pic of their new car, which was an upgrade from their old car, which had windows that didn’t roll up. This is a month after they moved from a tiny dump of an apartment to a shiny 2.5-bed apartment. So I replied all with the lyrics to “Movin’ On Up.” And my mom replies all…
Mom: Kate, great poem!!! You are a natural writer, you know that?
Me: aw Ma, I appreciate your faith, but that’s the theme song to the Jeffersons.
Mom: Oh how funny. Well, it’s still good!
Mom’s Thanksgiving Excitement
Backstory: This was my Mom’s response when I sent her my Thanksgiving travel itinerary. I’m Emily and my sister is Valerie.
Yippeeee, Turkeeeeee, Emileeeee, Valerieeeee, Momeeeee, Dadeeee, Funeeeee
Killing Intruders, Then Dinner and Sangria
Backstory: My apartment was recently broken into. also, mom has a black belt.
hola,
¿como estas? Just thinking about the tae kwon do class I will be conducting. Ha!
Let me know if your friends would like that self defense class and I would be thrilled to come on a friday and teach how to kill an intruder. (Dinner and sangria at that Greek restaurant would be great afterwards!!)
Love you!
mom
Happy Milk Day
Am in the taxi and watching the crazy tv in the back and I see that we along with mayor bloomberg and many more are celebrating milk day! I am thinking, what the hell, is the recession so bad that we have to say thanks to the cows?!?
I now see that it was MLK day as in Martin Luther King!! I think I am really losing it!
Your mom!
Daily Death Update
Backstory: My Mother loves to e-mail my work address with instructions on what to do when she dies. This one was just in the subject bar – nothing in the body of the e-mail.
Subject: no obit for me-please-save the $
The Joys of Aging
Backstory: Mom’s response to my email asking how old Dad is turning next week.
He was born in 1950…………….yikes, 62. Don’t say anything about getting old. It is bugging him that we are getting old and he is a little depressed. When he gets depressed, he obsesses about his bowels.
Love MOM
Wedding > Cancer and Jesus
Me: I saw the frame that Beth got us as a wedding present at Hobby Lobby for $10.
Mom: What? You’ve got to be kidding me. Do you know how much money I’ve given her kids for their crap?
Me: Like what?
Mom: Like Jane’s leukemia fundraisers and mission trips.
Me: Mom, that’s cancer and Jesus.
Mom: Oh. Still seems like it’s not balanced.
Do You Need Therapy Now?
Backstory: I had been teasing my mom about having a tough childhood, which of course we didn’t, and she gave me way TMI.
Me: Get your panties out of a bunch, I was just kidding!
Mom: Since I met my new man, panties are optional. yes you did have a great childhood.
Me: Oh wow…
Mom: Do you need therapy now?
Me: Yes
