Highest Rated Posts
Dog Language
Mom: It’s funny, I leave food out for the dogs all day and they don’t touch it. They wait until I’m there and then they gorge it all down. They’re like, ‘Karen’s home! Time to eat!’
Me: They call you Karen? Doesn’t that bother you?
Mom: Well, they know I’m not their mom. Actually, I’m sure they have some special name for me in dog-language that I don’t understand, but I’m sure it is very respectable.
you don’t TELL me anything!
Mom: I found a girl who’s perfect for you!
Me: What makes her so perfect?
Mom: She has brown hair and she drinks
Me: … That’s it? That’s all you think I go for?
Mom: Well that’s all I seem to be able to surmise about your girlfriends from the facebook pictures. Since you don’t TELL me anything else about them.
Me: You’re facebook stalking me mom.
Mom: I might call it “being a mother” :)
Me: I might call it “you’re pushing your facebook friendship privileges”
Good Music to Sex To
Backstory: My fiance and I spent the weekend at my parent’s lake house, and evidently left behind a CD that I burned for him to listen to in the car, a long while back.
Mom: I found a CD on the bureau in the third bedroom that had “I (heart) you” on it. Looks like your writing.
Me: Oh. Sry. We must have left that by accident.
Mom: Is that your lovemaking cd?
Me: What? NO! Did u LISTEN 2 it?
Mom: No, I did not want to think of you and Jason making sweet love on that new mattress that I just bought, tainting it.
Me: MOM! It’s a CD with rock music on it. Seether, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Shinedown, etc. I highly doubt that we would be hittin’ it to that!
Mom: I have never heard of those bands. Is that what Denise calls “Kill Your Mother Music”?
Me: Knowing her, probably.
Mom: Well, it could be possible you use it for that. Some people like rough sex.
Me: OK Mom, that’s enough. But no, it is not our “lovemaking” CD.
Mom: Ok….I’ll mail it. Wait! Does it have any music on it from that Kahnyay person? A nurse at the hospital was having a fit her daughter was listening to his music????????? I wanted to hear some.
Me: NO, there is no KANYE West on there.
Mom: Okay, well maybe you should check him out. He might make some good music to sex to.
Me: Ok, mom. Enough.
Are You Gay?
Yeah Chris is cute. Are you gay? I’d be all over him if I was your age. But then maybe you are all over each other and you are still just friends. Or that unrequited love thing. Sniff. None of my business. He seems like a nice guy. I always forget I’m wearing my prescription sunglasses. It is considered rude in some cultures to hide your eyes. By the way, if you are gay, no problems for me as long as you have kids.
Mom’s Awkward Airport Pick Up
Hey honey! I’m at the airport and there is a whole team of UCLA basketball players. How serious are you about your boyfriend? I know you like chocolate.
Mom Gets Taken For A Ride
Mom: So I finally went a bought a new computer yesterday!
Me: That’s great! What kind?
Mom: I got a Dell laptop. And I also got a wireless mouse.
Me: Oh cool! Wish I had a wireless mouse!
Mom: Yeah, well I need it ’cause I’m going to get a scanner soon.
Me: What? What does a wireless mouse have to do with a photo scanner?
Mom: You know, to scan the photo you have to swipe the lazer from the mouse back and fourth across the picture!
Me: Oh my god, I bet the salesman had a field day with you.
Am I Using the Term Correctly?
Didn’t you say your dad took a golden shower at that bar he was at in the city? I’ve been telling all of my friends but your dad says I am wrong and I probably shouldn’t repeat this story. Am I using the term correctly?
First You Pierce Your Nose, Then You Have Illegitimate Children
Me: I’m piercing my nose
Mom: Fine, I’m not raising your illegitimate children.
Me: What?
Mom: You’ll pierce your nose, get a trashy boyfriend and end up with illegitimate children. You and your trashy boyfriend are not living in my house, and neither are your kids.
Me: Wow mom, thanks for the credit. Clearly that’s the natural progression after piercing your nose.
Apocalyptic Pee
me: Oh my gosh Mom, the most awful thing happened to me at my desk right now.
mom: Did you sneeze and pee at the same time?!
me: Umm, noo…why would that be it.
mom: That happens to me sometimes, I thought maybe you too?
me: Wow
Start Doing Hand Jobs
Me: mom, I talked to an agent today who specializes in just parts. She liked my hands and wants to send me on go-sees!
Mom: That would be great if you could start doing hand jobs!
Me: mom, in the business, I think they call it “hand work”
Mom: oh. that’s a much better name for it.
Debate Hangover
I have a little bit of a headache this morning. We decided that the only way to watch the debate was to take shots every time she said maverick or heck or darn or doggone or nucular.
Why Not to Get a Cat
DO NOT GET A CAT…I’VE HAD IT WITH ALL FUCKEN CATS… EVER TRY AND GIVE A CAT A PILL?… IT SUCKS AND YOUR DAD DOESN’T HELP! I CAN HARDLY WAIT TILL ALL OF THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DIE AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE.
SORRY, I JUST HAD TO VENT… YOUR BROTHER WENT OUT. MOM
Not THAT Kind of Threeway
Backstory: My mom wanted a Conair 3-way curling iron for Christmas.
mom: I also want a three way for christmas
me: what do I look like? Your pimp? If you want a threeway, well you’re on your own, although you might want to run the idea by dad first
mom: huh? your father doesn’t care about what I do with my hair
me: whats a three way have to do with your hair?…or better yet, I’d rather not know
mom: well usually curling irons are used for hair
me: curling iron? oooohhhh, we were SO not on the same page on this one
Dad’s “Man-Spirit” Is Long Dead
Backstory: My dad is the only male in our family, with my mom and then my two sisters and myself. He is constantly out numbered. In fact my husband is convinced we killed his “man-spirit” years ago. My dad is also a weepy kind of guy, cries more then my mom by far. Poor dad.
Your dad just walked in to take my lunch order. He is my slave, no wait, he is my bitch. Hey bitch! I want some lunch! Your dad would like to say a quick hi, but he’s too busy being my bitch. Love you.
41-Year-Old Virgin
I just talked to Grandma and your aunt’s wedding is going to be the 6th of December. She asked if she could send your invitation here and I told her that if she wanted YOU to get it, she should mail it to YOU. Novel idea? Anyway, the best part of the conversation came later when she told me that your aunt had found her dress and it is beautiful but your aunt is worried that because the dress is ivory, people will think she’s not a virgin. Are you kidding me? She’s 41 years old. I’d be wearing flaming scarlet so no one would think I was a virgin, especially if I were. I didn’t think there was such a thing as a real forty year old virgin. I thought even nuns had had an adventure or two by that age! Geez! At least I’m not related to them by blood.
L,
M
