Highest Rated Posts
Mom Might Be Boiled as an Owl
Mom: u ever heard of the phrase “boiled as an owl?”
Me: no…
Mom: there’s a guy in the online cribbage room here, so i googled the boiled thingy ’cause that was his user name
Mom: and it’s slang for REAL drunk lol
Mom: i got boiled as an owl last night!
Me: uh…really? you did? or is that just an example of how to use that phrase?
Mom: i was a good girl last night. as far as you know, anyways ;)
Mom: google it. right now. BOILED AS AN OWL.
Me: uh, that’s ok, mom…i think i’ll trust you on that one
Mom: so…what’d u and ur man make for dinner last night?
Me: burgers fries and shakes
Mom: and a cold brewski?
Me: nooo…that’s for tonight lol
Me: i mean…i don’t drink! i’m not 21 yet ;)
Mom: well when u go home…ask him if he wants to get boiled as an owl tonight
Mom: DO IT. heeeeeeheheheheee
Me: …mom? are you ok?
Mom: BOILED AS AN OWL! it’s my new favorite phrase!!!!! :D
Me: i’m not talking to you anymore
Instant Messenger
I have a stupid question. Do you think that I have instant messenger? Because I seem to get your emails right away.
Don’t Just Listen to Dear Abby
Backstory: When my mom dropped me off for my first day at college, she gave me a Dear Abby column about leaving home that she was keeping in her purse. I was slightly underwhelmed.
Mom: I’m sorry about that Dear Abby column. I did think of some better advice: Never have sex in the same room as a pit bull.
Me: ?
Mom: There’s something about it that sets them off. Every time I hear about someone being mauled by a pit bull it involves a prostitute.
Me: Uhhh…thanks?
Mom: Well, I have already told you about all the other ways you could die. If I knew about this and didn’t tell you, I’d feel awful if it really happened.
Me: [silence]
Mom: Also, don’t fall in with a nest of lesbians. Love you!!!!!
Teenage “Dark” Times
Backstory: I sent my mom an article about a woman who has trust issues in relationships because her mom read her journal when she was a teen (my mom is also a giant snoop, especially when I was going through my “dark” times).
Dear Daughter,
I never, ever read your journal or your letters, only your poems. They were great by the way. Even the woman at the suicide hot-line thought so.
Love Mom
Free the little birthday check!
On May 1st a check was born. Alas, like an unbaptized soul in Limbo, it has not reached check heaven. Check heaven is a place of great joy for birthday checks because there it can reach its full potential. No longer folded upon itself, ashamed to show its worth; it is free to pay bills, pay down debt, buy things you need or even to swell the balance of your checking or savings accounts. It could even be earning interest! Don’t let it suffer any longer. Free the little birthday check.
Most Morbid Momma
Backstory: I neglected to call my mom to let her know that my plane had landed safely after a visit home. as usual, she fears the worst…
me: hey, are you there?
mom: yes
mom: are you alive?
me: yes
mom: you didn’t call so I thought you crashed
me: i think you would have heard if i’d crashed
mom: you couldn’t be identified you were so mangled
Applebee’s Just Doesn’t Measure Up.
Backstory: My mom LOVED Bennigans. We would go to Bennigans for any and all occasions. Since she heard that they went bankrupt and would be closing nationally, she has been completely devastated. It is all she can talk about, even on my 21st birthday!
Happy Happy Birthday to you on this special day
Happy Happy Birthday that’s all I have to say
Happy Happy Birthday may all your dreams come true
Happy Happy Birthday from Mommy to you
Benningans RIP 2008
Now We’re Even
Yeah, I think I accidentally speed-dialed you. I had my phone in my pocket and then heard this voice and it was a voice mail message. I then saw it was you I dialed so I just hung it up. Sorry about that! That pays us even for the time you dialed me with your phone in your purse while you were at a bar and I spent 5 minutes saying “Hello…hello” because I thought maybe you were being raped and had sneakily called me so I could call 911.
YourFace
Mom: You know, it’s a good thing I don’t have a YourFace account, because then I would be on the internet all day long.
Me: Ummm… MySpace?
Mom: Oh yeah, I guess that’s it.
Mom’s Wonderful Life
Me: So today I went to the city and just had a really great day to myself, I went over to Sassafraz and had a glass of wine, then..
Mom: So the wedding is in a week. I’m so excited I can’t believe it’s happening to me! I’m 54 and so in love… I just can’t wait to kiss his face!!!
Me: Yeah, I know it’s great isn’t it? Can I finish my story?
Mom: No…. I just find my life so much more interesting :D
Don’t forget the weed
MOM: Have a good day, Darling!
ME: thanks…
MOM: Oh, and make sure your sister doesn’t forget her weed today.
ME: …
ME: you mean her oboe reed?
MOM: Yes
ME: you wrote “weed”
MOM: Did I? Oops! You know what I mean.
A Different Kind of Dunce Cap
Please don’t hey me. And please don’t write telephono. As a language teacher (and as your mother), that offends and annoys me. And what is <3 ? Is that a woman with a dunce cap and large breasts?
- tu mami
Pulling A Mama Gump
Backstory: I just found out I didn’t get into grad school…
mom: Do U want me to call one the the Deans and offer them sex like Forrest Gumps mother did?
me: You are priceless
mom: because I will just for You!
me: you crack me up, that’s going on the internet
mom: okay where Facebook, cause if U post my picture I want my new hair shown
Next Stop…Barstow.
Mom: Just a reminder. Today is your dad’s birthday.
Me: Got it. Thanks mom!
Me: Wait dad was born in May.
Me: It’s March.
Mom: Ok the wheels have finally come off.
TSA Troubles
Backstory: I am going on a trip to NYC tomorrow and I asked my mom to buy some tupelo honey for my friend who I am going to visit. AJ is my Aunt Jamie and she’s a germophobe.
AJ packs her underwear in plastic bags so the inspectors don’t get their hands on it. Like her cooch is sterile or something. What the heck.
