Highest Rated Posts
We Should Probably Stop Hugging.
Mom: i just heard an awful story in the news today
Me: oh?
Mom: some kid in texas pretended to hug his mom and then stabbed her
Me: holy shit! that’s horrible!
Me: i’d never stab you
Mom: i know, but to be sure we probably should stop hugging
Contact Lens “Solution”
So, after we left you on Friday night, back at the campground I realized I had forgotten to bring along my contact lens case, No problem, because teaspoons will substitute nicely, in an Emergency. Unfortunately, Dad had cereal for breakfast, and ate my left lens. He’s such a fun, alert guy to hang out with!
Medical Possumbilities
I had a CT done today of my stomach. I’m sure it was fine but the patient before me was a possum from the zoo. I have to be the only person in the world that had to wait for a possum to go first for a medical test.
Don’t Worry About Me
Do either of you lovely girls have the energy to pick me up – i arrive on AA#700 at 11:35 pm….if not, don’t worry, i can get in a cab with jack the ripper
love, mamasita
So how long have you smoked pot???????????//
Interesting picture of you on your my spacepage. So how long have you smoked pot???????????//
Just so you know, potential employers will look to see if you have a myspace page. I’m not sure you’d really want them to see this. Nice URL Address: penis envy………………great
Mom
Thoughts on Death
Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.
Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture”
Big Girl Potty!
I’m so proud of you my babygirl. Haven’t been this proud since you pooped in the big girl potty. :)
XOXOXOXOXO
You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby
Backstory: I had just received a grant from my graduate school.
Congratulations sweetie, we are so proud of you!!!! Especially since we thought you were retarded for the first few months after you were born.
Love,
Mama
Care Packages
Princess,
I need your list of the stuff you want me to pick up @ the store, so I can send your package.
example….
measuring spoons
cookie sheets
mixing bowls
Condoms? type & size?
Love,
Mom
Beyonce and Sigg Bottles
Me: can you please, please mail me the sigg bottle I left at your place?
Mom: no way… its mine now. If u liked it then u shld have put a ring on it.
Tyra Text
tyra says the average woman has 8 sexual partners in a lifetime….yo mamas a ho!
A “Bong”
Do you know what a “bong” is? I’m reading a police report that came in and have no idea what that is.
Where Did You Go? (On AIM)
Mom: Hi pumpkin!
AIM away message: Hi Mom, since you haven’t yet grasped aim fully, I just want you to know, I’m not ignoring you. this is an automatic pop up when I’m not here, please don’t leave anymore passive aggressive messages for me to return to.
Mom: well did you have to put that up for the world to see?
Mom: Why aren’t you answering me? You just wrote something 2 seconds ago. Where did you go?
Packing List: Birth Control and Sheets
Backstory: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend, and my aunt is letting us use her house since she will be out of the country.
Mom: Did E send you Aunt R’s address?
Me: Yes, I’m so excited! Cheap vacation, woo hoo!!!
Mom: I’m excited for you. Please take your own sheets.
Me: Ummm, ok. Thanks?
Mom: Don’t want any presents left behind…
Me: Eww I get it.
Mom: Also don’t forget your birth control. I love you, but that’s how I got you – forgot to pack bc.
Me: Love you too??
Text Message Panic
mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do
