Highest Rated Posts
Next Stop…Barstow.
Mom: Just a reminder. Today is your dad’s birthday.
Me: Got it. Thanks mom!
Me: Wait dad was born in May.
Me: It’s March.
Mom: Ok the wheels have finally come off.
Don’t forget the weed
MOM: Have a good day, Darling!
ME: thanks…
MOM: Oh, and make sure your sister doesn’t forget her weed today.
ME: …
ME: you mean her oboe reed?
MOM: Yes
ME: you wrote “weed”
MOM: Did I? Oops! You know what I mean.
Medical Possumbilities
I had a CT done today of my stomach. I’m sure it was fine but the patient before me was a possum from the zoo. I have to be the only person in the world that had to wait for a possum to go first for a medical test.
Thoughts on Death
Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.
Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture”
TSA Troubles
Backstory: I am going on a trip to NYC tomorrow and I asked my mom to buy some tupelo honey for my friend who I am going to visit. AJ is my Aunt Jamie and she’s a germophobe.
AJ packs her underwear in plastic bags so the inspectors don’t get their hands on it. Like her cooch is sterile or something. What the heck.
Don’t Worry About Me
Do either of you lovely girls have the energy to pick me up – i arrive on AA#700 at 11:35 pm….if not, don’t worry, i can get in a cab with jack the ripper
love, mamasita
Where Did You Go? (On AIM)
Mom: Hi pumpkin!
AIM away message: Hi Mom, since you haven’t yet grasped aim fully, I just want you to know, I’m not ignoring you. this is an automatic pop up when I’m not here, please don’t leave anymore passive aggressive messages for me to return to.
Mom: well did you have to put that up for the world to see?
Mom: Why aren’t you answering me? You just wrote something 2 seconds ago. Where did you go?
So how long have you smoked pot???????????//
Interesting picture of you on your my spacepage. So how long have you smoked pot???????????//
Just so you know, potential employers will look to see if you have a myspace page. I’m not sure you’d really want them to see this. Nice URL Address: penis envy………………great
Mom
Beyonce and Sigg Bottles
Me: can you please, please mail me the sigg bottle I left at your place?
Mom: no way… its mine now. If u liked it then u shld have put a ring on it.
Big Girl Potty!
I’m so proud of you my babygirl. Haven’t been this proud since you pooped in the big girl potty. :)
XOXOXOXOXO
Care Packages
Princess,
I need your list of the stuff you want me to pick up @ the store, so I can send your package.
example….
measuring spoons
cookie sheets
mixing bowls
Condoms? type & size?
Love,
Mom
Tyra Text
tyra says the average woman has 8 sexual partners in a lifetime….yo mamas a ho!
Packing List: Birth Control and Sheets
Backstory: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend, and my aunt is letting us use her house since she will be out of the country.
Mom: Did E send you Aunt R’s address?
Me: Yes, I’m so excited! Cheap vacation, woo hoo!!!
Mom: I’m excited for you. Please take your own sheets.
Me: Ummm, ok. Thanks?
Mom: Don’t want any presents left behind…
Me: Eww I get it.
Mom: Also don’t forget your birth control. I love you, but that’s how I got you – forgot to pack bc.
Me: Love you too??
A “Bong”
Do you know what a “bong” is? I’m reading a police report that came in and have no idea what that is.
Put it on! Put it ALL on!
Me: I never thought I’d see the day when one of the highlights of my weekend would include going to Lowes to buy weatherstripping.
Mom: And I never thought I’d see the day when I could proudly say my daughter is a (weather)stripper.
Mom: Put it on! Put it ALL on!
