Highest Rated Posts
Dad’s Canoeing Adventures
We took a canoe out at Sandy Beach. Your dad can’t swim and was scared to death of drowning. I was rocking the canoe and he was freaking. Apparently he hadn’t noticed that the water was only about 3 feet deep. Eventually the canoe tipped over and he screamed…only to then stand up in water just past his knees. He was embarressed (and a little pissed off) but it was funny.
Love mom
Packing List: Birth Control and Sheets
Backstory: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend, and my aunt is letting us use her house since she will be out of the country.
Mom: Did E send you Aunt R’s address?
Me: Yes, I’m so excited! Cheap vacation, woo hoo!!!
Mom: I’m excited for you. Please take your own sheets.
Me: Ummm, ok. Thanks?
Mom: Don’t want any presents left behind…
Me: Eww I get it.
Mom: Also don’t forget your birth control. I love you, but that’s how I got you – forgot to pack bc.
Me: Love you too??
Dad and the Garage Door
Backstory: My dad is VERY particular about his car and keeps it very clean.
Mom: you better call your father asap
Me: why what happened?
Mom: i didn’t see the car on the driveway when i pulled in the van and smashed it through the garage door
Me: holy s*** are you okay
Mom: your father isn’t
Me: why
Mom: he was in the car cleaning the windows
Thank you for introducing me to this world!
Backstory: I came out to my mother almost six years ago, when I was 14. She was hesitant at first, but she has gotten increasingly excited about being the parent of a lesbian ever since.
At [PFLAG's] dinner now. Wonderful scene at a trendy building in Tribeca overlooking the Hudson. I am now hearing speeches from men dressed as Miss America contestants in crowns and evening gowns. Thank you for introducing me to this world!
Burpin’ Bubbles
Mom: You will NEVER believe what your father did last night!!!
Me: Oh Lord, did he fall off the ladder again?!?!
Mom: Hehe! No. He got drunk.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: He got so drunk, he ate a bar of soap.
Me: GROSS!!!
Mom: Yeah, no kidding. It was Irish Spring.
Me: Well is he ok?
Mom: Oh he’s just dandy. The only side effect is that he keeps burping and tasting it. Unfortunately, he’s not burping any bubbles, which is what I really want to see.
Me: Why?
Mom: I think it’d be cool to be married to a walking, talking bubble machine.
Me: You seriously need to redefine your definition of cool woman.
Mom: So do you want me to videotape it for you if it does happen?
Me: duh!
Actually, I Don’t Get It
Me: Do you want to hear my new favorite joke?
Mom: Of course.
Me: ok, what do vegan zombies eat?
Mom: What?
Me: GRAAAINS! GRAAAINS!
Me: Ha ha!!
Mom: Ha ha!!!
Me: I love it.
Mom: Well, actually, I don’t get it.
Me: They eat grains instead of brains because they’re vegan.
Mom: Do zombies usually eat brains?
Me: Yeah, that’s what zombies eat. Are you not up on your zombie literature?
Mom: I guess not. But I learn something new every day! Now, what’s a vegan?
I am in awe of you…until I see your room.
I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.
And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”
xoxoxoxoxox
Mama
Text Message Panic
mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do
Re: David Carradine’s Death
DEAR DAUGHTER,
DON’T TIE A ROPE AROUND YOUR NECK AND YOUR GENITALS. IT WILL MAKE THE PAPER, IF YOU DIE.
LOVE,
MOM
Um…no.
Don’t you think they should name a hotel the Put It Inn?
A “Bong”
Do you know what a “bong” is? I’m reading a police report that came in and have no idea what that is.
Best Buy Jailbreak
Help, I’m a prisoner in Best Buy and dad has a manila folder and a stack of Consumer Reports
Reasons to Call Dad, from 1987
Sunday is father’s day. Call your dad and say something nice. He saved your life when you were choking around 1987. Thats the only reason I can come up with right now. Other than a “Thanks for the random fertilization and DNA shit.”
Words of Encouragement
Backstory: After I got a D on my economics exam.
Honey, econ is for boring and ugly people. You shouldn’t be in that class, you’re too pretty and creative. I’m sick of these hard classes. Next semester sign up for gym classes.
No Mustaches For You!
Mom: I just spent $2 on 12 fake mustaches
Me: WTF?
Mom: I saw the ad and told J and he wanted me to get them so could wear them at work hahaha
Me: you’re retarded
Mom: keep talking like that and you’re not getting one of them
