Highest Rated Posts
Dad and the Garage Door
Backstory: My dad is VERY particular about his car and keeps it very clean.
Mom: you better call your father asap
Me: why what happened?
Mom: i didn’t see the car on the driveway when i pulled in the van and smashed it through the garage door
Me: holy s*** are you okay
Mom: your father isn’t
Me: why
Mom: he was in the car cleaning the windows
Thank you for introducing me to this world!
Backstory: I came out to my mother almost six years ago, when I was 14. She was hesitant at first, but she has gotten increasingly excited about being the parent of a lesbian ever since.
At [PFLAG's] dinner now. Wonderful scene at a trendy building in Tribeca overlooking the Hudson. I am now hearing speeches from men dressed as Miss America contestants in crowns and evening gowns. Thank you for introducing me to this world!
The Truth Behind Dad’s Itinerary
Backstory: I’m in Spain for a semester abroad and Dad is coming for a visit.
Mom: Daddy flew home last night and spent the night in CT, then left this afternoon for the airport. He is excited about your weekend together. Heard that he rented a car. If my memory is correct, the roads in Spain between Madrid and Grenada can be steep and twisty so if anyone tends to get carsick they should sit in the front. He has your stuff (I hope) but I don’t see it anywhere around the house so that’s a good sign! Love, the Mama
Me: I was a bit curious why his itinerary showed him flying out of JFK. So he just came home for a day?
Mom: Quite frankly, your father came home for a booty call.
Text Message Panic
mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do
Dad’s Canoeing Adventures
We took a canoe out at Sandy Beach. Your dad can’t swim and was scared to death of drowning. I was rocking the canoe and he was freaking. Apparently he hadn’t noticed that the water was only about 3 feet deep. Eventually the canoe tipped over and he screamed…only to then stand up in water just past his knees. He was embarressed (and a little pissed off) but it was funny.
Love mom
I am in awe of you…until I see your room.
I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.
And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”
xoxoxoxoxox
Mama
Re: David Carradine’s Death
DEAR DAUGHTER,
DON’T TIE A ROPE AROUND YOUR NECK AND YOUR GENITALS. IT WILL MAKE THE PAPER, IF YOU DIE.
LOVE,
MOM
We Go On, We Live Life
Backstory: My mom died when I was 14. Reading this site has made me realize that though I don’t have a mom, I do, at least, have her sister, who sets me (and my brother) straight about as often as a mom would. She’s currently mad that other, out-of-touch family members have said I haven’t “gotten over” the loss. Anyway, thank you, Post Cards from Yo Momma, for giving me a glimpse into adult mother/daughter relationships.
I just want you to know that I don’t expect to ever get over my sister’s death, and you will never get over your mother’s death. For anyone to tell you “get over it” is foolish. It will always be a significant part of your life, and hopefully, the greatest loss you have to suffer. We go on, we live life, we remember all the good, and we miss her. We won’t get over it, but the pain lessens and we can feel blessed she was in our lives at all. To this day, even your uncle says it was the saddest time of his life!
Hugs to both of you and Happy Holidays……
Auntie
Um…no.
Don’t you think they should name a hotel the Put It Inn?
Reasons to Call Dad, from 1987
Sunday is father’s day. Call your dad and say something nice. He saved your life when you were choking around 1987. Thats the only reason I can come up with right now. Other than a “Thanks for the random fertilization and DNA shit.”
Words of Encouragement
Backstory: After I got a D on my economics exam.
Honey, econ is for boring and ugly people. You shouldn’t be in that class, you’re too pretty and creative. I’m sick of these hard classes. Next semester sign up for gym classes.
I was just really kind of shocked.
I saw this show called The L-Word on Showtime last night. OMG This girl strapped this leather thing with a big purple ____ on another girl and they were going at it. You couldn’t see anything really because of a pillow, but OMG I’ve never seen anything like that before even in the movies. Other than that it was a very good show – Marlee Matlin, Cybil Shephard, Jennifer Beal. I was just really kind of shocked. But at least that answered my question that you never would answer. :)
Love you,
Mom
Actually, I Don’t Get It
Me: Do you want to hear my new favorite joke?
Mom: Of course.
Me: ok, what do vegan zombies eat?
Mom: What?
Me: GRAAAINS! GRAAAINS!
Me: Ha ha!!
Mom: Ha ha!!!
Me: I love it.
Mom: Well, actually, I don’t get it.
Me: They eat grains instead of brains because they’re vegan.
Mom: Do zombies usually eat brains?
Me: Yeah, that’s what zombies eat. Are you not up on your zombie literature?
Mom: I guess not. But I learn something new every day! Now, what’s a vegan?
Best Buy Jailbreak
Help, I’m a prisoner in Best Buy and dad has a manila folder and a stack of Consumer Reports
No Mustaches For You!
Mom: I just spent $2 on 12 fake mustaches
Me: WTF?
Mom: I saw the ad and told J and he wanted me to get them so could wear them at work hahaha
Me: you’re retarded
Mom: keep talking like that and you’re not getting one of them
