Highest Rated Posts
Where Did You Go? (On AIM)
Mom: Hi pumpkin!
AIM away message: Hi Mom, since you haven’t yet grasped aim fully, I just want you to know, I’m not ignoring you. this is an automatic pop up when I’m not here, please don’t leave anymore passive aggressive messages for me to return to.
Mom: well did you have to put that up for the world to see?
Mom: Why aren’t you answering me? You just wrote something 2 seconds ago. Where did you go?
Put it on! Put it ALL on!
Me: I never thought I’d see the day when one of the highlights of my weekend would include going to Lowes to buy weatherstripping.
Mom: And I never thought I’d see the day when I could proudly say my daughter is a (weather)stripper.
Mom: Put it on! Put it ALL on!
I was just really kind of shocked.
I saw this show called The L-Word on Showtime last night. OMG This girl strapped this leather thing with a big purple ____ on another girl and they were going at it. You couldn’t see anything really because of a pillow, but OMG I’ve never seen anything like that before even in the movies. Other than that it was a very good show – Marlee Matlin, Cybil Shephard, Jennifer Beal. I was just really kind of shocked. But at least that answered my question that you never would answer. :)
Love you,
Mom
Re: David Carradine’s Death
DEAR DAUGHTER,
DON’T TIE A ROPE AROUND YOUR NECK AND YOUR GENITALS. IT WILL MAKE THE PAPER, IF YOU DIE.
LOVE,
MOM
I am in awe of you…until I see your room.
I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.
And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”
xoxoxoxoxox
Mama
Dad and the Garage Door
Backstory: My dad is VERY particular about his car and keeps it very clean.
Mom: you better call your father asap
Me: why what happened?
Mom: i didn’t see the car on the driveway when i pulled in the van and smashed it through the garage door
Me: holy s*** are you okay
Mom: your father isn’t
Me: why
Mom: he was in the car cleaning the windows
Dad’s Canoeing Adventures
We took a canoe out at Sandy Beach. Your dad can’t swim and was scared to death of drowning. I was rocking the canoe and he was freaking. Apparently he hadn’t noticed that the water was only about 3 feet deep. Eventually the canoe tipped over and he screamed…only to then stand up in water just past his knees. He was embarressed (and a little pissed off) but it was funny.
Love mom
Um…no.
Don’t you think they should name a hotel the Put It Inn?
The Truth Behind Dad’s Itinerary
Backstory: I’m in Spain for a semester abroad and Dad is coming for a visit.
Mom: Daddy flew home last night and spent the night in CT, then left this afternoon for the airport. He is excited about your weekend together. Heard that he rented a car. If my memory is correct, the roads in Spain between Madrid and Grenada can be steep and twisty so if anyone tends to get carsick they should sit in the front. He has your stuff (I hope) but I don’t see it anywhere around the house so that’s a good sign! Love, the Mama
Me: I was a bit curious why his itinerary showed him flying out of JFK. So he just came home for a day?
Mom: Quite frankly, your father came home for a booty call.
Words of Encouragement
Backstory: After I got a D on my economics exam.
Honey, econ is for boring and ugly people. You shouldn’t be in that class, you’re too pretty and creative. I’m sick of these hard classes. Next semester sign up for gym classes.
How to Live to 100
Hi! Here is my chatty email of the week. I am off today instead of tomorrow but am very bored since I have nothing to do.
I ‘m half way through a new book on my kindle about pockets of populations that live to be over a hundred- I have to start walking rocky terrain 3-5 miles day , start drinking 2 glasses of red wine a day, drink goats milk and eat more soy much less meat., and gossiping every day at 3 pm with friends. I missed out on eating sweet potatoes 3x day as I was growing up and forgot to almost starve several times in my childhood- mistakes I can not correct.- so maybe I’ll make it to 90 instead. I’m also supposed to live with my children – so get ready.
Love,
Mom
PS I forgot to tell you – someone used my mastercard card on line this am and charged $4700! in sporting goods. How rude! Now my card is no good and my faith in mankind has been shattered.
PSS I love O’Bama
Breaking Olympic News
Hi Darling. Michael Phelps shaves his pits.
M
Reasons to Call Dad, from 1987
Sunday is father’s day. Call your dad and say something nice. He saved your life when you were choking around 1987. Thats the only reason I can come up with right now. Other than a “Thanks for the random fertilization and DNA shit.”
You Want Me to be Blogger Mother of the Year?
So it’s not enough that I gave birth to you, raised you as a single parent, organized countless birthday parties, play dates, and sports activities (remember the diving team?), made brownies and science projects, paid for braces and contact lenses, took you trick or treating in the rain, was the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and Dr. Phil, cooked for you, cleaned up your vomit, decorated your bedroom, took you to the emergency room, paid for 4 years of a private college, watched you die your hair a million different colors, pretended not to mind when you showed up for my 50th birthday with a shaved head, bought you your first car, consoled you throughout your countless relationships, moved you about 12 times (including security deposits-which I never got back!), paid rent when your psycho roommates bounced, bought you outfits for proms, graduations, and interviews, wrote your college essays and resumes…
and now you want me to be blogger mother of the year??????
Dye Job
mom: Have you seen that show “The Doctors”?
me: yes.
mom: Tt’s very informative. I really love it.
Did you know your can dye your p*ssy hair??
me: WHAT!? MOM!!!
mom: I KNOW, I was so surprised! But you have to use a special dye.
