Highest Rated Posts
Gidget and Debbie Live Very Different Lives.
Mom: Movie time – yeah! We’re starting with “Debbie Does Dallas”. Sounds weird. Tonight is double feature; don’t know what’s next. lv u
[2 hours later]
Mom: Well, that was an eye opener if I say so myself. 2nd feature is Gidget Goes to Hawaii. lv u
Me: are u kidding or have you been replaced by pod people?
[2 hours after that]
Mom: Well, debbie and gidget live very different lives. From now on I’m leaving the movie choices to your dad.
I was just really kind of shocked.
I saw this show called The L-Word on Showtime last night. OMG This girl strapped this leather thing with a big purple ____ on another girl and they were going at it. You couldn’t see anything really because of a pillow, but OMG I’ve never seen anything like that before even in the movies. Other than that it was a very good show – Marlee Matlin, Cybil Shephard, Jennifer Beal. I was just really kind of shocked. But at least that answered my question that you never would answer. :)
Love you,
Mom
How to Live to 100
Hi! Here is my chatty email of the week. I am off today instead of tomorrow but am very bored since I have nothing to do.
I ‘m half way through a new book on my kindle about pockets of populations that live to be over a hundred- I have to start walking rocky terrain 3-5 miles day , start drinking 2 glasses of red wine a day, drink goats milk and eat more soy much less meat., and gossiping every day at 3 pm with friends. I missed out on eating sweet potatoes 3x day as I was growing up and forgot to almost starve several times in my childhood- mistakes I can not correct.- so maybe I’ll make it to 90 instead. I’m also supposed to live with my children – so get ready.
Love,
Mom
PS I forgot to tell you – someone used my mastercard card on line this am and charged $4700! in sporting goods. How rude! Now my card is no good and my faith in mankind has been shattered.
PSS I love O’Bama
A Christmas Poem
Backstory: A few years ago my mom gave my brother and me her living will in our Christmas stockings. This year she enclosed a poem for us to read on Christmas morning. This is the first stanza.
If you should come to see me
and surprise! you find me dead
there’ll be a box of important papers
under Mommy’s bed.
Dye Job
mom: Have you seen that show “The Doctors”?
me: yes.
mom: Tt’s very informative. I really love it.
Did you know your can dye your p*ssy hair??
me: WHAT!? MOM!!!
mom: I KNOW, I was so surprised! But you have to use a special dye.
You Want Me to be Blogger Mother of the Year?
So it’s not enough that I gave birth to you, raised you as a single parent, organized countless birthday parties, play dates, and sports activities (remember the diving team?), made brownies and science projects, paid for braces and contact lenses, took you trick or treating in the rain, was the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and Dr. Phil, cooked for you, cleaned up your vomit, decorated your bedroom, took you to the emergency room, paid for 4 years of a private college, watched you die your hair a million different colors, pretended not to mind when you showed up for my 50th birthday with a shaved head, bought you your first car, consoled you throughout your countless relationships, moved you about 12 times (including security deposits-which I never got back!), paid rent when your psycho roommates bounced, bought you outfits for proms, graduations, and interviews, wrote your college essays and resumes…
and now you want me to be blogger mother of the year??????
A Two Shower Kind of Day
How are you 2day? I had to take 2 showers this AM. I accidently put toothpaste in may hair instead of frizzeze
STOP laughing1
Mom’s Recessionista Advice
Don’t do drugs!! You can’t afford them.
OMG I can’t believe I just said that.
I have not been able to get ahold of your brother. Haven’t talked to him in over a week. Last night he called to say he was in town. I told him great because the guest room was all clean and ready. Then, he informed me that he would be staying with his girlfriend. I thought they were done. Has he mentioned any of this to you? Oh well, maybe he just needed a quick lay. OMG I can’t believe I just said that. Don’t tell your father.
Love,
Mom
Mom’s Voting On A Donkey
Me: I’m registered to vote!
Mom: Yahoo! Barack & I can rest easy now
Me: I will be at the polls on the 4th, but I won’t wear any Obama shirts.
Mom: It would be a neat idea if obama supporters could figure out something to wear that is nondescript but would signify unity in a wink wink sort of way so start something like that okay?
Me: I’ll give Barack a call and see what he thinks
Mom: Great idea! If he’s not available though, maybe you can get up with Joe
Me: I’m sure he can spare a few mins to chat with me
Mom: I would suggest that we wear hawaiian leis in honor of his grandma! Everyone else will think there’s a big luau party that they weren’t invited to
Me: No, I think they’ll just think we look stupid. I suggest wearing blue.
Mom: I’m thinking I’ll ride up on a donkey
Breaking Olympic News
Hi Darling. Michael Phelps shaves his pits.
M
Lemon Line, Limewire, Whatever!
Mom: Hey, can you get me some more Marshall Tucker Band music off your Lemon Line?
Me: It’s called limewire, mom.
Mom: Whatever. I just know it’s citrusy and provides free music.
Me: Well, technically it’s not free, its illegal.
Mom: There you go again, ruining all my fun.
No Kind Words for an Ex-Fiance
Backstory: My ex-fiance had a baby, and I sent my mom facebook pictures of the baby and the wife.
The baby is ugly and so is she.
Stiff.
Backstory: My other half helped my dad mix/pour concrete Friday night and all day Saturday.
How did J feel after all that physical labour on Saturday? Dad could hardly move Saturday night, but then of course he was just laying on the couch, so when he did get up to go to the bathroom or whatever he was all stiffened up (well not everywhere, that never happens *sad face* ).
Love Mom xoxoxoxox
They May Try To Cut Off Your Finger!
Honey, i have been thinking about your trip to New York tomorrow and I am worried about your wedding ring. I think you should leave it at home. You know there are criminals up there who may see your ring while you are walking around and try to steal it. They will do anything to get what they want – if they can’t pull it off easily, they may try to cut off your finger or your hand to get it. They’ll cut it right off without thinking twice!!!! Don’t forget you need your left hand to type at work. I don’t think it’s worth the risk.
Call me when you land.
xoxo, mom
