A repository of modern day maternal correspondence

Don’t Passive-Aggressive-Smile-Face-ME

Mom:  So when we come to Sydney can we stay at yours?

Mom: Hello?

Me: Oh. Sure. Well, actually there are a number of awesome hotels just a two minute walk from my house. I’ve just emailed you a bunch of links. Have a look! Am happy to book any of them for you. But, yeah, of course you are welcome to stay at mine, if you really want to.

Me: Mom?

Mom: You were welcome to stay in my uterus for nine months, and then my house for 17 years. But I understand, a week at your apartment might be a bit … much. :)

Me: Don’t you passive-aggressive-smile-face-ME, woman.

Mom: Fuck off. Love you - M.

posted on 08.04.2008 at 4:01 pm

 add +1  RATING: 470

Get me out of here!

Surprise, I am writing you an email.

I NEED HELP AND SOON, BEFORE I STARVE TO DEATH !!!!

I am guessing that you are wondering how come I’m doing this — it’s just because I am locked into my computer room and cannot get out.  I was trying to put a door knob on the door and got started, but the thing went completely closed as I was trying to see if it was going to fit — and now here I am having to stoop so low as to write an email to you to see if you could call someone to come get me out.  My phones, of course, are all in the other room. I thought that perhaps you could call Beverly and have her and Howie come over and get me out.  If you happen to have Tami’s number then call her.

Anyhow, can you get me out of here.  I guess I’ll just play games on the computer until someone lets me out of here.  Send me an email to let me know you are doing this for me.

posted on 06.26.2008 at 1:07 pm

 add +1  RATING: 388

Hear me…RABBITS.

I bought some baby clothes for you today.

I know you aren’t pregnant, but I thought that maybe if I bought the clothes it would work in reverse…like I could will you to get knocked up.

Are you knocked up?  Tell that husband of yours to get busy.  I want you two sexing it up like rabbits.

Hear me…RABBITS.

Love,
Mom

PS: Your father is getting a vasectomy.

posted on 09.10.2008 at 10:30 am

 add +1  RATING: 323

Mom, Dad and Facebook: A Dangerous Combo

Mom: How do I unfriend on Facebook?

Me: What, you only have like 8 friends, who do you want to get rid of.

Mom: That’s really none of your business, and I have 40 friends thank you very much.

Me: That’s right, Dad has 8 heheh

Mom: Not for long!

posted on 10.15.2008 at 9:01 am

 add +1  RATING: 249

The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club

Friday I’m doing something fun as well. Joan and I are starting a club called The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club. Our mascot is Gert Boyle (One Tough Mother) from Columbia Wear. Your stepfather is making fun of us but I think he’s just petty and jealous. I finally told him to shut up. That’s what GAW do when they are confronted with negativity.  One of  our field trips is going to be on a Saturday and we’re going to find those Red Hat Ladies and shove them down. They’re ridiculous and need to be eliminated.

posted on 05.25.2008 at 3:00 pm

 add +1  RATING: 235

Cleaning Out The Closet

Me: I was sorting through my closet today and I thought it’s kind of funny that I have “vacation clothes” and “date clothes” when I neither date nor vacation.

Mom: Really???  Do you have “work clothes” and “gym clothes” in there too???  HA HAHHA HA HAHA AHAH A.

Me: Not funny

Mom: Sorry, I couldn’t resist :)

posted on 06.30.2008 at 10:00 am

 add +1  RATING: 226

Photo scanning blues

Mom: Can’t get the scanner to scan a photo.  What am I doing wrong?

Me: it’s too complicated.  put photo in and try to hit scan button

Mom: Did - doesn’t do anything.  I’ll just mail the photo to your aunt.  It’s a pic of our parents graves. She has difficulty accepting that they are dead.

Me:  That’s pretty harsh, lady.  I’m not gonna open mail from YOU anytime soon!!!

Mom: Maybe I’ll put it in a card.

posted on 06.26.2008 at 3:47 pm

 add +1  RATING: 213

Are You Gay?

Yeah Chris is cute. Are you gay? I’d be all over him if I was your age. But then maybe you are all over each other and you are still just friends. Or that unrequited love thing. Sniff. None of my business. He seems like a nice guy. I always forget I’m wearing my prescription sunglasses. It is considered rude in some cultures to hide your eyes. By the way, if you are gay, no problems for me as long as you have kids.

posted on 07.21.2008 at 3:55 pm

 add +1  RATING: 211

What Mom Learned From AARP

Mom: hey chickie

Mom: made meatballs.
what more can a poor working girl want
than her mama’s company

Me: did you just call me a prostitute?

Mom: no, those are skanky working girls, with a tramp stamp
you have a stamp, but not in the trampy spot

Me: oh man alive.

Mom: but don’t want to see you and j cupcaking

Me: what does that even mean?

Mom: and i am your peep
you should check your vitals
and dont talk smack about kathy
fo shizzle
obvi you are the bomb
and ridonkulous beyond sick for shizzle tight and wack to boot
a total nutter, and snogging your boo with a totes badonkadong
I been reading the aarp magazine
how many of those do you know?

Me: like- the old people magazine?

Mom: obvi
tramp stamp

Me: You are scary.

Mom: bet i made your day huh
we aarp’ers are right up on it

Mom: so what thinks you my baby girl
am i cool or what?

posted on 10.09.2008 at 4:09 pm

 add +1  RATING: 193

Not a MILF

Mom: Your dad and I were watching the SNL thing and were confused, what is a MILF?

Me: Seriously? You don’t know?

Mom: No. We were so confused at that part.

Me: It means Mother I’d Like To “F”

Mom: Gross. What?! Who would do that to a mother?!

Me: I don’t know, obviously you aren’t a MILF.

Mom: Obviously. I’m just a MILM. A Mother I’d Like to have as a Mother.

posted on 10.05.2008 at 2:07 pm

 add +1  RATING: 185

41-Year-Old Virgin

I just talked to Grandma and your aunt’s wedding is going to be the 6th of December.  She asked if she could send your invitation here and I told her that if she wanted YOU to get it, she should mail it to YOU.  Novel idea?  Anyway, the best part of the conversation came later when she told me that your aunt had found her dress and it is beautiful but your aunt is worried that because the dress is ivory, people will think she’s not a virgin.  Are you kidding me?  She’s 41 years old.  I’d be wearing flaming scarlet so no one would think I was a virgin, especially if I were.  I didn’t think there was such a thing as a real forty year old virgin.  I thought even nuns had had an adventure or two by that age!  Geez!  At least I’m not related to them by blood.

L,

M

posted on 06.25.2008 at 1:27 pm

 add +1  RATING: 185

Are you going to be a f***ing potato doctor???

Backstory: I sent my mom a particularly entertaining YouTube video involving a choir of singing potatoes.  She was either inspired by the Budweiser ‘Swear Jar’ commercial I also sent along, or she was *very* concerned I wasn’t taking medical school very seriously…

Child, stop watching f***ing youtubes and get the h*** back to work!!  What the s*** do you think you’re doing?  Are you going to be a f***ing potato doctor???  Love,

Your G**D*** Mother

posted on 06.18.2008 at 1:30 pm

 add +1  RATING: 183

What is wrong with you?

I can’t believe your grades and you have an incomplete.  What is wrong with you?  You have so much to offer and you keep fucking it up.  Dad said your one scholarship isn’t on the new statement, did they take it anyway because of your grade point average?  I have enough problems, without you adding to them.  You are TWENTY, not TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   You better call me!!!!!!!White boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted on 06.15.2008 at 11:47 am

 add +1  RATING: 183

SWF Hates Cuddling, Walks In The Rain

Backstory: I was telling my mother that she needed to get into Internet dating.

I hate internet dating.  All the men want to cuddle and take walks in the rain.  Do you know what my hair looks like when it’s wet?

posted on 07.14.2008 at 12:00 pm

 add +1  RATING: 180

First You Pierce Your Nose, Then You Have Illegitimate Children

Me: I’m piercing my nose

Mom: Fine, I’m not raising your illegitimate children.

Me: What?

Mom: You’ll pierce your nose, get a trashy boyfriend and end up with illegitimate children. You and your trashy boyfriend are not living in my house, and neither are your kids.

Me: Wow mom, thanks for the credit. Clearly that’s the natural progression after piercing your nose.

posted on 08.24.2008 at 12:03 pm

 add +1  RATING: 167


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